Sexual language from teenage daughter to boys

[Upsidedownrightnow]

My daughter has just turned 13, I took away her phone and ipad recently as she was having conversations with a boy which were very inappropriate.

She had a brick phone after that which I have also taken away as she was messaging this boy again.

I had an old phone lying around and she has recently been using it to play music she said. I was abit suspicious and tried checking the phone to see if she has had any apps to message on and I didn't see any.

Tonight I caught her messaging on ticktock on the phone she said she was using to play music.

I have tried explaining calmly that she should not speaking like that etc, but she is being sneaky and finding ways to message this boy.

She is far too young to have sexual conversations and I am not sure what to do to stop her.

When I try to speak to her about it she is also quite rude, if my parents found out i was talking this way I wouldn't have been rude I would have been so embarrassed and worried my dad would kill me.

This now means she cannot go out with friends as she can't be trusted, I can't even leave her alone to do work on my laptop as I am sure she has a way to message this boy on there too.

The language is just so inappropriate and I am trying to teach her about self respect and getting no where. What can I do?

Desktop, OP. Lock the laptop away, get yourself a family desktop. A big thing, no webcam, sat in the corner of the living room on a desk. That's what my parents did. Highly irritating as a teen but put paid to most online shenanigans.

You can also get keystrokes software which tells you what has been typed on the device.

Still not good though as when does “talk” stop being just talk ? especially at 13 - the kid is not allowed to see or communicate with her friends or this boy that cannot continue - is the OP going to pull her dd out of school?
The OP has completely over reacted to "talk" and has lost credibility, she now she needs to fix her relationship with her dd

And those people commenting that the OP is doing the right thing - do you have teens or are you project your toddler into this situation?

@UmmH

You can also get keystrokes software which tells you what has been typed on the device.

That is low. That is not parenting at all.

@Honeyroar I agree with you. That's why I think OP needs to have a discussion with her DD about porn too and its impact on relationships/conversations. There's a brilliant website with resources for parents but I can't remember it's name. Perhaps someone else will post it.

Christ almighty UmmH if you install a keylogger on your child's phone you're instilling:

1. That you don't trust them whatsoever

1. That they have no privacy (yes, I know, your children have a more limited right to privacy than they will when they're an adult for safety purposes, but what if they want to have conversations that aren't dangerous but are personal, without your knowledge?)

1. That they will need to be creative and devious to do what is relatively normal teenage stuff.

Instead of turning into CSI: Suburbia OP, talk to your daughter about how what she shares via the internet and messaging is not fleeting - that is has ongoing consequences.

That she doesn't have to talk about things she's uncomfortable with, ever, but that if she does have questions or concerns about sex that she can always talk to you without fear of judgement.

Without fear of judgement doesn't mean 'no consequences' - if she was sending explicit photos or bullying someone, for example, then obviously there would be consequences to that.

Tell her that being interested in sex is normal, and that she is no less allowed to be interested than boys her age, but that she should be comfortable with any conversations going on. Tell her about safe sex, and consent, and how she's not there to be an object used by boys for their pleasure - how you hope she wouldn't be doing anything physical at 13 and that you'd like her to start that part of her life later down the line, preferably with someone she likes and trusts.

But that regardless of all that, that if she fucked up in the worst possible ways, you would STILL be there for her, without making her feel like she's not a worthwhile and proper 'young lady', and that you are an open book who will always answer her questions and help guide her.

I think you’ve massively overreacted here by grounding and taking all her technology away from her for two instances of sexual talk which sound more like banter and curiosity than anything else. You’re pushing her away, breaking her trust and she will become more secretive and risky as a result. Also, as others have said I was with you as well until you gave examples of what was said.

I think you need to rebuild the damage you’ve done and create a more open understanding relationship and talk to her about contraception and consent etc, rather than trying to shame her for talking about sex twice, coming down on her like a tonne of bricks and making assumptions about her self esteem. Having curiosity about sex and a crush at 13 is normal and doesn’t mean you have low self worth, it’s not like they’re sending naked pics and having phone sex, what they’ve said sounds pretty normal for two 13 year olds and tame compared to what I was expecting, and I say this as someone who didn’t lose their virginity until they were 20!

Op whatever you decide to do just remember this will impact on yours and your daughters relationship for the remainder of your lives.

Im a bit shocked at some of these comments tbh. OP if your still reading, I suggest you book a few days of work and spend a lot of time really reconnecting with your dd.

It’s so important that children understand the value of self worth and respect. It’s so important that they understand why this type of language is inappropriate because of the repercussions that will come of it, Humiliated at school, being spoken to in a derogatory manner by boys and ultimately leading her in to sexual experiences she is not physically or mentally capable of dealing with - which will have an effect on her self esteem.

Raising girls by Steve Biddulph is a great read and I recommend it.

But please don’t underestimate the amount of work you have to invest in your daughter now to pull her back from this

[quote Honeyroar]@jizz why do you need to reply so rudely? You can disagree politely, you know! Why make a personal attack? I don’t understand people like you.[/quote]
Why do you need to not read properly?

Clearly you lack the comprehension and nuance of the English language displayed on this thread.

No one has said they would be happy for their 13 year old to do this, however many have rightfully pointed out it's not uncommon and should be dealt with carefully

@Meangallery

Still not good though as when does “talk” stop being just talk ? especially at 13 - the kid is not allowed to see or communicate with her friends or this boy that cannot continue - is the OP going to pull her dd out of school? The OP has completely over reacted to "talk" and has lost credibility, she now she needs to fix her relationship with her dd

And those people commenting that the OP is doing the right thing - do you have teens or are you project your toddler into this situation?

My eldest is 25 and yes I would have done the same thing.

The taking away of communications halts any further such messaging. BUT there has to be many talks of why this is not good for her to do.

It’s a bit like telling children then need to lock their front door at night when they get older but never explaining why.

What the lad said is not normal at all and I’d be contacting his parents.

13/14 year olds are at the age 17 years olds were when I was younger. These are still children regardless if they think or act much older.

I also agree with the poster up thread about trolls coming on to start sexualised conversations about children - so I’m going to report just to ask MN to check it out

Early teens here and none of DS' friends parents would think this behaviour or language was acceptable. It's not about 'being a lady' - which is where I disagree with OP - because none of us would accept it from our sons either.
We all have open conversations about sex, porn, relationships, consent but none of our DCs are watching films with blow jobs.
In fact though we're all quite different, our approach to these issues is so similar that I'm genuinely bemused by the posters on here who think any of this is 'normal'. I do wonder if those posters grew up in a pornified culture so don't appreciate that what they have been conditioned to accept as 'normal' actually isn't.

@Meangallery

Still not good though as when does “talk” stop being just talk ? especially at 13 - the kid is not allowed to see or communicate with her friends or this boy that cannot continue - is the OP going to pull her dd out of school? The OP has completely over reacted to "talk" and has lost credibility, she now she needs to fix her relationship with her dd

And those people commenting that the OP is doing the right thing - do you have teens or are you project your toddler into this situation?

I have a 20 year old and a 10 year old .. I’m not talking out of my arse . You can think what you want but I’ve seen how things like this go as my brother works in safeguarding and I would be doing anything possible to protect a young teen from making a massive mistake.

Fluffybutter I am saying the age of one's kids is relevant - I have seen countless times on here people giving posters teen advice when they only have a toddler and are projecting...I don't agree with your approach, I have not insulted you in any way!

my brother works in safeguarding
Yy I wonder if that is impacting the different responses too. In our social and family circle, lots of us have an understanding of safeguarding issues either through working with DCs, being police officers, lawyers or working in social services or child protection.

@jbizz that’s purely your opinion. I’ve got a degree in language actually. Im also capable of working out that different people take different things from a text depending on various factors. Your opinion is no more correct than mine. This is a discussion.. Some people see your view, others see mine. I’m mature enough to know that. I don’t need to be rude to you to make myself feel better.

@AnneOfQueenSables

my brother works in safeguarding Yy I wonder if that is impacting the different responses too. In our social and family circle, lots of us have an understanding of safeguarding issues either through working with DCs, being police officers, lawyers or working in social services or child protection.

And because you have knowledge of safeguarding it might lead you to over-react, as you have a heightened sense of risk.

And because you have knowledge of safeguarding it might lead you to over-react, as you have a heightened sense of risk

This is the most bizarre reasoning I’ve ever seen on MN

Bit like saying - because you know matches start fires, your over reacting when you stop your child from playing with them

It’s those who dont have a heightened sense of risk completely underestimated the severity of it and the damage it causes.

@AnneOfQueenSables

my brother works in safeguarding Yy I wonder if that is impacting the different responses too. In our social and family circle, lots of us have an understanding of safeguarding issues either through working with DCs, being police officers, lawyers or working in social services or child protection.

Yes. It’s because people have had a peep in to the reality of it. Whilst others are blazè and don’t see the risk because they never imagine it happening to their children

As a teacher I have had many, many hours of safeguarding training and I’m a bit shocked at many of the responses on here. A bit that people think that it’s overreacting.

Rightly or wrongly, young girls who get themselves in these prematurely sexual situations generally suffer far more than boys. My friend’s daughter used her phone camera inappropriately at school ‘for a laugh’ and was vilified and bullied so much as a result she became a school refuser.
I don’t think the OP is overreacting at all.

I've not read the full thread I've just skipped through and read OP posts mostly.

I do think you are massively over reacting.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned, you should, she's years too young to be thinking about physical sex.

But the talking and flirting etc does tend to start in early teens and there's very little anyone can do to stop it.

You need to keep her on side, educate her, talk to her calmly and rationally, not ban this that and the other and stop her going out. All she will do is push harder and find a way.

@LizzieBlackwell

And because you have knowledge of safeguarding it might lead you to over-react, as you have a heightened sense of risk

This is the most bizarre reasoning I’ve ever seen on MN

Bit like saying - because you know matches start fires, your over reacting when you stop your child from playing with them

It’s those who dont have a heightened sense of risk completely underestimated the severity of it and the damage it causes.

Someone who is familiar with safeguarding is over exposed to the risk and the rest of us are maybe under exposed. There's nothing bizaar about that. Being over protective is not good either. The OP had cut all communication between her dd and her friends and won't let her out of the house - that is not sustainable.

It's mind-boggling that anyone would say safeguarding teaches people to over-react.In fact that comment shows how little you know about safeguarding.
It's a deliberate slippery slope approach to undermining safeguarding, to framing DCs as sexual beings. It all sits firmly in the Peter Tatchell camp of sex education which ends in abuse apologism.