Sexual language from teenage daughter to boys

[Upsidedownrightnow]

My daughter has just turned 13, I took away her phone and ipad recently as she was having conversations with a boy which were very inappropriate.

She had a brick phone after that which I have also taken away as she was messaging this boy again.

I had an old phone lying around and she has recently been using it to play music she said. I was abit suspicious and tried checking the phone to see if she has had any apps to message on and I didn't see any.

Tonight I caught her messaging on ticktock on the phone she said she was using to play music.

I have tried explaining calmly that she should not speaking like that etc, but she is being sneaky and finding ways to message this boy.

She is far too young to have sexual conversations and I am not sure what to do to stop her.

When I try to speak to her about it she is also quite rude, if my parents found out i was talking this way I wouldn't have been rude I would have been so embarrassed and worried my dad would kill me.

This now means she cannot go out with friends as she can't be trusted, I can't even leave her alone to do work on my laptop as I am sure she has a way to message this boy on there too.

The language is just so inappropriate and I am trying to teach her about self respect and getting no where. What can I do?

Call the "stopitnow" helpline.

[quote Temp123999]**@Meangallery it's not normal to turn a blind eye at 13yr olds sexting unless your a pedophile[/quote]
Who's turning a blind eye?

[quote Temp123999]**@Meangallery it's not normal to turn a blind eye at 13yr olds sexting unless your a pedophile[/quote]
This 13 year old girl is texting a 13 year old boy 2 messages that have sexual content - it needs a chat not an hysterical reaction.

petingo because of course the Daily Mail is staffed entirely by experts and they never ever find one 'expert' who will say what fits their agenda?

Both my DDs have used their phones for school work in 6th form. It's expected that they be able to do this, to the point where the school funds smartphones for those unable to afford one. Banning stuff isn't the answer, parenting is. Clearly the boy in the OP has been exposed to porn - that's not good. Pretending none of it exists isn't the answer though - knowledge is power, as is trust. OP needs to talk to her DD, not make herself the Mum Who Always Says No - because that will not end well.

@Meangallery
You just seem determined that it’s normal and your posts read like your a teenager or predator

@Temp123999 I agree with Meangalley that throwing a wobbler like the OP has is the absolute most counterproductive thing she could have done to resolve matters. Does that make me a 'predator' as well? Good grief. This is how vigilantes end up petrol bombing paediatricians. Tone deaf nuance free hysteria.

[quote Temp123999]**@Meangallery
You just seem determined that it’s normal and your posts read like your a teenager or predator[/quote]
It is normal for teens to talk about sex, I talked about sex with my friends at 13 years old - I didn't have sex till I was 21 years old. You need to talk to your teens about, the consequences and risks of discussing this stuff online. But it is normal for teens to be fascinated by sex - as parents we might not like it but that's the reality. Your posts come across like you are slightly hysterical - people can have a different view to you without being a criminal you know!

I work in child protection with younger children age 5 and under and I get alerted if thier teenage siblings are known to be sexting others I’ve been to case conference in a secondary school when 12 year old was using sexual explicit language with her peers and both myself and the police officer who was in attendance both had children of a similar age and we both discussed how we safeguard our children. None of the professionals thought this was normal behaviour.

[quote Temp123999]**@JBizz so you think it's normal to be interested in a 13 year old?
Do you have kids?[/quote]
It's normal for 13 year old boys to be interested in fellow 13 year olds. So yeah depending on the age of the person in question it can be very normal for them to be interested in 13 year old girls.

Of course I have children, I also happened to be a 13 year old girl once upon a time. It's perfectly normal at that age to have hormones flying everywhere, starting to consume adult content (whether that's porn or stories online or even in teen romance novels) and then talking about it to friends.

No one has said turn a blind eye. There is however a mature and non damaging way to deal with this. The OP has decided instead to go down the ole shame a girl road which is not going to be productive

@crosstalk

JBizz Agree that at 13 if it's a boy of the same age it's not paedophilia but it's still illegal. And the language discussed is inappropriate.

The home office guidelines are clear. They are not interested in perusing charges from teens sleeping together if both consented even if both are under 16 so next...

And I quote- 'It is an offence for anyone to have any sexual activity with a person under the age of 16. However, Home Office guidance [1] is clear that there is no intention to prosecute teenagers under the age of 16 where both mutually agree and where they are of a similar age.'

I have already on several occasions explained why she shouldn't talk like that, how she is a young lady and the language that has been used shouldn't be used by her and the impression she is giving out of herself etc

Well, I can see why this isn't working...

At 13 it is unfortunately possible that your daughter is being groomed and the messages she sends / receives could be seen as evidence of abuse. You would do well to have a look at some of the websites which aim to communicate with teens - CEOP comes to mind, Internet Matters another, I think Google have their own too. There are videos on there explaining the slippery slope to manipulation and exploitation.

@Temp123999

I work in child protection with younger children age 5 and under and I get alerted if thier teenage siblings are known to be sexting others I’ve been to case conference in a secondary school when 12 year old was using sexual explicit language with her peers and both myself and the police officer who was in attendance both had children of a similar age and we both discussed how we safeguard our children. None of the professionals thought this was normal behaviour.

I hope none of the professionals you know, throw around an accusation like paedophilia as casually as you do. I seriously doubt your credentials.

I think if the OP had not drip fed the whole situation this thread would have made a lot more sense. Read the read people!

This place is so odd. Couple of days ago there were posters saying they'd never allow their 12-13 years old to spend a few hours alone at home, because God knows what could happen, but now a 13 years old having sex is fine?

I really don't understand all this tiptoeing around your kids:" Oh, if I put some boundaries they will never tell me their secrets! Best to stay out of it". You are their parents, they have a right to feel protected and supported, not bloody neglected because mum has decided to play the cool friend. The world is crap enough without being out there on your own.

And 13 years old is ridiculously early for sex, they are barely teens! And no, I'm not ancient, I'm 28.

@bambinaballerina

This place is so odd. Couple of days ago there were posters saying they'd never allow their 12-13 years old to spend a few hours alone at home, because God knows what could happen, but now a 13 years old having sex is fine?

I really don't understand all this tiptoeing around your kids:" Oh, if I put some boundaries they will never tell me their secrets! Best to stay out of it". You are their parents, they have a right to feel protected and supported, not bloody neglected because mum has decided to play the cool friend. The world is crap enough without being out there on your own.

And 13 years old is ridiculously early for sex, they are barely teens! And no, I'm not ancient, I'm 28.

Who said 13 year olds having sex was fine?

Just to clear up a few points, I have never met the boy she has been messaging so I don't 'know him' but i have heard about him for some time so I know about him and where he lives.

I have spoke to dd about this boy before and explained that if she likes this boy and wants him to be her boyfriend that is fine. I also explained to her that him talking about squirting is not fine, its way above their age and there should not be talk like that as it is inappropriate.

I told her if talk like that happens again I will be speaking to his mum.

I took away her phone at the same time of the above talk as she gave a stranger her number, we had previously discussed online safety on many occasions and again after I found this out.

On many occasions I have discussed with dd that she must never send naked photos etc, as even if she really likes a boy and he seems very nice, at a later date the photos could be posted all over the internet or sent to everyone in her school etc.

as for the comments of people saying I should invite the boy round or tell her she can message him if i am present, I do not think that I should be rewarding her behaviour of sneaking around by saying yes go ahead and see / speak to him.

Also someone suggested I invite him round and have a chat with them both - I would not be happy if dd was at another child's house and their parent discussed sex with my dd.

I think there are a few issues here, one is the type of conversations they are having which are not appropriate.

another issue is she is completely going against what I said - I told her when I took the phone away that she needs to earn my trust back and we can then work it out so she can have her phone back. but instead she is sneaking around messaging this boy and still talking in an inappropriate way.

It really feels like a lot of people might not have read the thread.

OP's dd and this boy have been friends for many years and op knows where he lives - they are the same age. This is not grooming or paedophilia.

They have communicated extensively and there has been ONE inappropriate comment from the boy. OP's dd did not respond and he apologised and said his friends told him to send it.

OP's dd has made ONE comment about something she says she saw in a movie.

They are kids talking about sex, about stuff they've heard and barely understand. I teach sex ed to teens and successfully navigated four of my own to adulthood.

This situation created a perfect excuse for a real, substantive, productive conversation. My taking away every device and grounding her indefinitely, I really do believe that an opportunity to educate has been missed, and op has ensured that her dd will never confide in her or come to her for relationships advice. Indeed, her dd is already showing contempt.

Cross posted op. Giving numbers to strangers justifies removing devices, no question. And supporting him as a boyfriend whilst making it clear that such conversations are wildly inappropriate also fine imo. I think your most recent update suggests a far more measured response to that described earlier.

Also there have been other messages but I am not going to list every sexual type of message I have seen. There has been more than two, however alot of the talk is about games like fortnight, and alot of talk about i like you and what if i asked you to be my girlfriend / boyfriend.

As I said above this kind of talk I spoke about with dd and said that is fine, however talking about sex is not as they are currently at an age where it is illegal and it is not appropriate.

They have not been friends for many years, I would say one year or less, and all the talk is by text / online messaging. They know each other from school but as far as I know they never meet up.

@Upsidedownrightnow

Also there have been other messages but I am not going to list every sexual type of message I have seen. There has been more than two, however alot of the talk is about games like fortnight, and alot of talk about i like you and what if i asked you to be my girlfriend / boyfriend.

As I said above this kind of talk I spoke about with dd and said that is fine, however talking about sex is not as they are currently at an age where it is illegal and it is not appropriate.

They have not been friends for many years, I would say one year or less, and all the talk is by text / online messaging. They know each other from school but as far as I know they never meet up.

It is not illegal to discuss sex at this age.

They are actually at the age where they cover a lot of sex Ed at school - and in far more depth and far more graphically then we did - because of phones and the web etc.

They discuss sending nudes, they discuss all the alternative words for sexual acts etc.

My own ds who is now 15 and autistic and is very factual. I had an interesting sexual education during his secondary years - he would happily quiz me on knowing certain words in his innocent way.

We learnt about x today in pdl. Do you know what that means?!

If they are generally chatting shit with the odd sexual reference added in that doesn't escalate or indicate they would follow through I wouldn't be coming down as had as you are. You are alienating your DD.

The chatting to a stranger is obviously a concern. Therefore I'd have an agreement she uses the phone for messaging only rather than say SM etc. You have full access and maybe parental controls to prevent some sites.

But other than a few stupid immature sexual references between her and a friend it really doesn't sound like she's lost her self respect and flashing her mutton at all and sundry.

@SlyOldStoatyStoat

Sort this out now or she’ll be pregnant in a year or two.

Move if you have to.

😂 overreaction much?!

Also some posters have mentioned they had self esteem issues and some mentioned for example if their dad wasn't there.

My dd's dad has not been around and I am worried that this may be part of the issue. She has good male role models that she is close within my family but I still worry her dad not being there for her is a problem.

Also another thing that concerns me is that dd has issues with friendships often with school friends. I do not know why as when i see her with friends out of school she is fine and gets on well with other children.

I normally encourage her to meet with friends etc and after seeing some rude messages between her and this boy I did have a very calm chat with her and said its fine for her to be friends with him, but she also needs to make an effort with girls too. As when she goes back to school if she puts in effort now then she won't feel lonely at school like she has no real friends.

She has a few girls she gets on well with but doesn't seem to make the effort to chat to them and meet up etc so I told her she also needs to make effort with girls and not focus only on messaging this one boy.

When I found she had been messaging him last night he is the only person she has been messaging - no girls and I am concerned about this.

I am not trying to sex shame dd etc but I really do not feel she should be messaging like this. I am worried that she isn't making lasting friendships and instead is only showing interest in one boy.