Sexual language from teenage daughter to boys

[Upsidedownrightnow]

My daughter has just turned 13, I took away her phone and ipad recently as she was having conversations with a boy which were very inappropriate.

She had a brick phone after that which I have also taken away as she was messaging this boy again.

I had an old phone lying around and she has recently been using it to play music she said. I was abit suspicious and tried checking the phone to see if she has had any apps to message on and I didn't see any.

Tonight I caught her messaging on ticktock on the phone she said she was using to play music.

I have tried explaining calmly that she should not speaking like that etc, but she is being sneaky and finding ways to message this boy.

She is far too young to have sexual conversations and I am not sure what to do to stop her.

When I try to speak to her about it she is also quite rude, if my parents found out i was talking this way I wouldn't have been rude I would have been so embarrassed and worried my dad would kill me.

This now means she cannot go out with friends as she can't be trusted, I can't even leave her alone to do work on my laptop as I am sure she has a way to message this boy on there too.

The language is just so inappropriate and I am trying to teach her about self respect and getting no where. What can I do?

Keep an eye on your fridge too...

www.cbsnews.com/news/teen-goes-viral-for-tweeting-from-lg-smart-fridge-after-mom-confiscates-all-electronics/

You are already too late op. Teach her about safe sex. And not to send nudes via social media. Etc. but the sex talk....I don't think you could stop that train anymore:(

What repercussions do you get about talking about sex @Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel ?

Hormones create an interest in this, it doesn’t mean they’ll go ahead and do it.
Talking to your child about sex and sexual relationships in a supportive way doesn’t mean you’re giving them the green light to go ahead and do it.
You can’t control what they do anyway, you can however be open and honest and give them the tools to do the right thing for them.

I had waaaay worse sexual convos at 13 and didn’t lose my virginity until I was nearly 17, btw...

Taking away tech is a strategy that isn’t working and the sneakiness is probably adding fuel to the fire. Invite the boy round and bring the sex talk into the open.

If you really want to support your daughter then you are going to have to let go of the ‘this isn’t how young ladies speak’ sentiments and pretending that sex doesn’t exist. If you want you daughter to display maturity when it comes to sex, then you need engage with her on her level and open a dialogue where all her information isn’t coming from dick led teenage boys.

This is a teaching opportunity, embrace it.

YANBU at all. Speak to the boy's parents and to the school.

I had strict parents. I didn't sneak out. I didn't lie. We talked about boundaries and how to keep safe in every type of situation. I do hate the narrative that 'strict' parents force their teens into risky behaviour. It can be the case but it's much more complicated than that.

I was a pretty wayward teen myself, but I wasn't having sexual conversations at 13!

The responses saying to ignore it are quite frankly disgusting. She is a child!

Some people on here are talking like the girl is about 18 - she's 13, a child! It's horrifying that some pp's are more or less saying it's the girl's sex life, leave her to it. Ffs. She shouldn't even be having a sex life at 13. Leave her be and she'll lose all her boundaries and be at risk of coercion or teen pregnancy.

*Hormones create an interest in this, it doesn’t mean they’ll go ahead and do it.
Talking to your child about sex and sexual relationships in a supportive way doesn’t mean you’re giving them the green light to go ahead and do it.
You can’t control what they do anyway, you can however be open and honest and give them the tools to do the right thing for them.

I had waaaay worse sexual convos at 13 and didn’t lose my virginity until I was nearly 17, btw...*

Same, Jellybeans. I was having all sorts of conversations in high school about sex, with friends and boys I liked, because I was interested (and basically just a teenager full of hormones). Didn't have actual intercourse until I was in sixth form.

Obviously, obviously, there are dangers with social media and messaging apps and children under the age of consent - talk to her about not sending nudes, talk to her about the dangers of older people online and the fact that people might not be who they say they are, talk to her about taking her ideas of sexuality from what she finds on the internet.

But some abstract chats with a boy her own age? Developmentally normal and really not a cause for concern in and of itself.

I was in complete agreement with you op, and was ready to advocate removing all electronic devices and grounding.

But now you've given us examples, along with confirmation that you know the boy she's talking to, I think you've over-reacted hugely.

I teach sex ed and they are exactly what 13yo kids, and younger, talk about. I'm sorry for all those parents who don't believe that their children talk about this sort of stuff, but they do. They hear stuff that they don't fully understand, from older kids and media, and want to talk about it.

You are making a big mistake driving this wedge between you and showing that you don't understand her. He is a first boyfriend, and higher in her affections than you right now. You are pushing her towards him and ensuring that she won't come to you if she's worried about something in the future.

I personally think you are right to take her electronics off her. I remember when I was her age talking to OLD MEN and my mum told me to stop and gave me my phone back. What did I do? Continued. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's nothing that any mother wants to go through. You've already said that you've discussed safety online and such. Maybe express how you are only doing it for her safety and if she wasn't acting like this then you would be fine with her having her phone. However, I do also think that once they understand about sex, they instantly think they're old enough to act on it when they're not. It's a tricky one and I do think that she will try and rebel either way. I hope you find some solution to this, I'm sorry I couldn't give much advice. Good luck.

Some of the comments on here are disturbing.
How can you think this is ok at 13 and just let her carry on ?
Op, maybe come from the angle of whatever she sends to this boy can be shared by him to people she doesn’t know and if she posts pictures she could end up on the internet forever for anyone in the world to see including teachers, parents , friends parents and dirty old men .

I can’t believe that the general majority would be happy that their 13 yr old is receiving messages about blow jobs and squirting and think you should do nothing. The boys are talking like porno films. The girls learn to act like porno actresses. It’s gross. I’d be upset too. I’d speak to the boy’s mothers too, they need to speak to their sons about what is a decent way to treat women.

@StatementKnickers

YANBU at all. Speak to the boy's parents and to the school.

Why to the school? What do they have to do with this?

@Honeyroar

I can’t believe that the general majority would be happy that their 13 yr old is receiving messages about blow jobs and squirting and think you should do nothing. The boys are talking like porno films. The girls learn to act like porno actresses. It’s gross. I’d be upset too. I’d speak to the boy’s mothers too, they need to speak to their sons about what is a decent way to treat women.

Where has anyone said they would be happy about it?

People are just rightly pointing out this isn't uncommon, or not normal for teens to hear things and discuss sex when their hormones are going everywhere.

For the OP to tell her daughter she isn't being a lady etc. Is just going to put shame into an already evolving situation.

See Fluffy I agree wholeheartedly on this:

maybe come from the angle of whatever she sends to this boy can be shared by him to people she doesn’t know and if she posts pictures she could end up on the internet forever for anyone in the world to see including teachers, parents , friends parents and dirty old men

But I don't think there's anything inherently disturbing about a teenager exploring the concept of sexuality. The actual method of doing so - i.e. in a way that leaves a digital trail - is definitely a concern, but it's entirely normal and biologically driven that hormone-riddled teenagers are interested in sex. That's not disturbing in itself!

We seem perfectly comfortable with acknowledging that teenage boys are having 'long showers' and leaving crusty socks lying about, but there's a particular panic about teenage girls being even vaguely interested in sex that always really grates on me.

So many people have said she’s making a fuss over nothing..

The way you're reacting is very unreasonable

Your examples are nothing over the top. Kids hear things and then want to discuss and think they're funny.

Saying to your daughter she isn't being a lady etc is also very damaging. Why should she be ashamed, you should want her to not be ashamed discussing things like this with you.

By making such a big deal about it will only push her to continue in this way or worse start acting on these pretty benign messages.

In your possition I would simply re-educate on the risks of pregnant, how she should never send intimate pictures to anyone no matter how close a friend they are and I would also let the boys parents know so they can do the same if they see fit. I would then continue monitoring their messages and then reevaluate if they got worse or more explicit

@Honeyroar

So many people have said she’s making a fuss over nothing..

Ah reading comprehension clearly isn't your thing

People saying the OP is making a fuss isn't the same as saying they would be happy with this.

There are many things I don't make a fuss over but don't love the idea of.

@Honeyroar

I can’t believe that the general majority would be happy that their 13 yr old is receiving messages about blow jobs and squirting and think you should do nothing. The boys are talking like porno films. The girls learn to act like porno actresses. It’s gross. I’d be upset too. I’d speak to the boy’s mothers too, they need to speak to their sons about what is a decent way to treat women.

I don't recall ppl saying do nothing. The majority of people are saying: talk to her. On a slightly other note: I do not believe that school should do the "talking to" as I want my son to have the values that are in our family, not some teacher's or institutions backward thinking.

We have talked it through with our son that:

• you never hit a girl. Never. Even if she hits you. If it's really serious call the police (well, this prompted a laugh...)
• sex is about both parties having fun and enjoying themselves
• if either one says stop or no, than that is a no. Not a maybe, or an overt yes. No means no in this situation. Even if it's hard to stop at that point.
• It's okay to try things out if above things are in place
• there is nothing he can't talk to us about and we'd rather he talked to us than look it up on the internet and get crap advice.
• There is nothing shameful in sex. It's a natural part of life. But the media blew it out of porportion and anime/manga paint a very sick picture. So he needs to know what is fact/fiction.

And these ideals come up in different conversations and we can only hope that they stick and he will be respectful and good to his future girlfriends.

@yelyah22

See Fluffy I agree wholeheartedly on this:

maybe come from the angle of whatever she sends to this boy can be shared by him to people she doesn’t know and if she posts pictures she could end up on the internet forever for anyone in the world to see including teachers, parents , friends parents and dirty old men

But I don't think there's anything inherently disturbing about a teenager exploring the concept of sexuality. The actual method of doing so - i.e. in a way that leaves a digital trail - is definitely a concern, but it's entirely normal and biologically driven that hormone-riddled teenagers are interested in sex. That's not disturbing in itself!

We seem perfectly comfortable with acknowledging that teenage boys are having 'long showers' and leaving crusty socks lying about, but there's a particular panic about teenage girls being even vaguely interested in sex that always really grates on me.

It’s not the interest in sex that bothers me , that’s totally normal . It’s the talking about it over message and directing it to a boy ,not even sure she actually knows him well going by the posts . That’s not good in my eyes

Fluffy - the OP knows the boy!

@jizz why do you need to reply so rudely? You can disagree politely, you know! Why make a personal attack? I don’t understand people like you.

@Meangallery

Fluffy - the OP knows the boy!

Oh ok , must have missed that. Still not good though as when does “talk” stop being just talk ? especially at 13

A lot of people are talking sense here. The more you push against the harder she will try. I remember being like this at 13, 13 is actually the age where you are become more aware of your sexuality, do you not remember being 13 op. What you describe message wise is quite tame. I had far worse conversations with my bf at this age (I was mentally far older than 13) I think you need to make your daughter feel she can talk to you. I used to willing show. My mum messages as a teen when I started to feel uncomfortable, wouldn't you rather she did that? I went on contraceptive at 14, as my mum had openly spoken to me and we were both aware I was concidering it. Isn't this better than her potentially sneaking off, having sex in the park, ending up Pregnant and panicking! She may be young by your standards but sadly not by societies, the way they are encouraged to dress, to grow up too soon it leads to this. But the way you are acting will just lead to her to not trust you and hide everything from you and if your Not careful resent you. I'm not saying suggest she does anything (an explicit std chat can put an end to. Most) but it may lead to her being manipulated but not feeling she can ask you.

Good luck whatever you choose to do, but she will meet this boy in person.