Sexual language from teenage daughter to boys

[Upsidedownrightnow]

My daughter has just turned 13, I took away her phone and ipad recently as she was having conversations with a boy which were very inappropriate.

She had a brick phone after that which I have also taken away as she was messaging this boy again.

I had an old phone lying around and she has recently been using it to play music she said. I was abit suspicious and tried checking the phone to see if she has had any apps to message on and I didn't see any.

Tonight I caught her messaging on ticktock on the phone she said she was using to play music.

I have tried explaining calmly that she should not speaking like that etc, but she is being sneaky and finding ways to message this boy.

She is far too young to have sexual conversations and I am not sure what to do to stop her.

When I try to speak to her about it she is also quite rude, if my parents found out i was talking this way I wouldn't have been rude I would have been so embarrassed and worried my dad would kill me.

This now means she cannot go out with friends as she can't be trusted, I can't even leave her alone to do work on my laptop as I am sure she has a way to message this boy on there too.

The language is just so inappropriate and I am trying to teach her about self respect and getting no where. What can I do?

If you know the boy and he has been her friend for a long time I would invite him round. Sit them both down and say:
"Lovely that you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend now. You can see each other here or I'll take you to McDonalds. You can text each other but I will be supervising that. There will be no more innappropriate messages or behaviour, as you are both 13 and nice people. Please talk to me if you have questions or want to know what's appropriate. If I am worried again we'll all sit down for another nice chat."
That should put a stop to it!

@TheLegendOfZelda

If you want your daughter to never talk to you about her relationships, this sounds a good way to achieve this.

It sounds like she has met a boy she likes. If there wasn't a pandemic, they would be meeting up at school and maybe even dating? Why not sit and talk with her, find out what she likes about him, explore what a date might look like etc

This phone confiscating thing is just setting up conflict between you and blocking communication. Now it's Romeo and Juliet against the world.

This.

I agree you need to talk to your dd more. Prohibiting her access to the boy she fancies will make her pine more. Far more. Talking to our children is key. At 13 your dd is far less likely to engage in sexual activities if you talk to her about her boundaries. The law states children age 12 and under cannot consent to any kind of sexual activity. By 13 if she’s engaging with another child of a similar age, the law will not prosecute either party.

And you dd is texting one boy not boys - your title makes it sound like your dd is having text sex with loads of boys. Are the two examples you mentioned the beginning and the end of the sexual language you have uncovered? I they are you need to get into the business of building some trust back again with your dd, she will have learnt you have no control over your responses - you've hit the nuclear button over a very normal conversation...she will have learned that you are not someone she can trust if she gets into genuine trouble.

If those two examples are all of the "sex talk" then you've gone way OTT here.

Sounds like you're very controlling and this won't end well for your relationship.

I went to a “good” school and some of the girls there were very forward from an early age, dishing out blow jobs and hand jobs from 11-12, abortions at 14, and laughing at girls like me who had no interest in boys until much later.

I do wonder if any of them had daughters and worried they’d do the same because at the time it seemed normal but looking back 14 wasn’t a grown up age at all.

It sounds to me as if this boy and/or his friends have been accessing porn. That is (sadly) pretty normal - and it isn't a reason to shut down conversation with regards to your DD's emerging sexuality. You should be talking to her about her feelings, discussing the porn industry and what it's trying to sell/how unrealistic it is. You should be working on her self esteem through being open and honest with her. Your current course of action is set to alienate her and drive her further into secrecy.

Of course you don't want your DD to be sexually active, of course you want her to express herself in a way that is appropriate for a confident young woman with high self esteem - but cutting her off and suppressing all conversation isn't the way to go about it.

You seem to be more concerned she isn't acting like (as you say) a "young lady" more than anything else

You need to talk and listen more. And sit and tell her about consent. And that 16 is age of consent. And talk about the unreality of the porn industry.
And watch documentary about kids being groomed on Internet.
Just banning or taking away isn't going to teach her how to be savvy.

I think you are doing the right things - keep talking to her, remove devices for the moment til she can gain your trust and speak to the boy's parents.

I'm a secondary teacher and once found some year 9s we're sending intimate photos to each other on a school trip. They were immediately sent home, parents informed and school took appropriate action. This was pre smart phones but I hate to think of the consequences for a stupid decision for otherwise smart kids if they had been posted online.

I was like this from aged 14. It was a cry for help. I wanted to feel loved by someone. It’s very common behaviour in girls where their Dad has left.

I was quite depressed. Luckily I had a lovely boyfriend from aged 14 too (for 3 years).

It scares me to think what might have happened if I didn’t have him. No wonder he’s still my best friend. (We’re both Mid 30s now)

my mum called me a slut when I was 13 (I hadn’t actually done anything to deserve this) and I still haven’t forgiven her - so don’t do this. Don’t shout.

Stay calm, chat openly, ask her if she’s ok.

@AnneOfQueenSables

OP don't post any more of the messages. This entire thread reads as though it's been inundated with paedophiles trying to justify why they think it's ok for 13-yr-olds to ignore the legal age of consent and they will get a massive kick from detailed messages. You need another chat with your DD. These messages could end up in front of her school teachers. We've had more than one occasion where inappropriate messages were reported to school. You need to get to the bottom of where she is watching the films she's talking about and you need to talk to her about porn, consent and the law. There are websites that cover these topics if you need support on how to start the conversations.

Jesus that's an over reaction

Also FYI at 13 anyone interested wouldn't be a pedophile...

I assume you're new to both MN and Twitter. MN has always had trolls trying to encourage posters to discuss certain issues or latching on to threads they think they can manipulate in a certain way. Twitter has a very active community that does the same. Both have been discussed extensively on MN.

I agree with others that you are taking the wrong approach here and it is going to blow up in your face. It does worry me that you equate this with a lack of self respect and are telling her she is a "young lady", women no longer have to feel ashamed to have and want sex, so this seems a bit of a repressive attitude to take.

I think most of us agree that we don't want 13 year olds to be having sex, but for me that's mainly because they are too young to deal with the consequences, the power games that can sometimes come with sexual relationships, the possibility of pregnancy or STDs - we don't want them to get hurt or damaged by sex, not that sex isn't something "young ladies" should be thinking about. Some young teenagers are going to be curious, that is natural - you need to give them a guiding hand to steer them in the right direction, but you are a stomping foot!

By forbidding her to speak to this boy, you are making her want to contact him more and making her much less likely to speak to you honestly about stuff like this - which will make her more vulnerable in the future.

I think you would be better off letting her speak to him, even meeting in your garden, or something, where you can keep an eye on them. I think this sex talk is them trying out stuff they think that other people are doing. If you let them do more normal stuff, it's going to be much healthier in the long run.

@Upsidedownrightnow

Can’t you just change the Wi-fi password?

When I was 14 if I ran out of credit - that was it. The end of communication until I had money for a top up.

Unless she has a contract phone? With lots of data?

how she is a young lady and the language that has been used shouldn't be used by her and the impression she is giving out of herself etc

...Aside from the fact that a 13 year old may not socially be ready for sex, but biologically speaking has hormones flying all over the place - i.e. it's normal, and while I think you should speak to her about consent and how she may feel ready for this kind of talk it's not the same as actually doing it, she's allowed to wait etc etc, but also acknowledge that there are plenty of horny teenagers out there who aren't sure what to do with this newfound feeling of interest in the opposite (or same!) sex...

This is a really misogynist view of sexuality, and you're setting your daughter up for a life of shame because she can't reconcile having sexual desires with 'being a good young lady' and 'giving herself away'. So maybe work on how you approach that, because my mum was the same and it took me until I was about 24 to stop feeling shame and unworthiness for being a normal person when it came to sex.

This is a really misogynist view of sexuality, and you're setting your daughter up for a life of shame

@yelyah22 very well said. Exactly how my mum made me feel too. I was even embarrassed to tell her I was pregnant when I was 27 (I was a married woman ffs!)

Also all those assuming she's being groomed - obviously it IS a possibility, but having been a 13 year old girl not that far in the distant past it's also really not that unusual for them to be working out the boundaries and interests of their sexuality with these kind of chats. I read Lady Chatterley's Lover at 13 and was thinking about much ruder things than 'someone is giving a blowjob on telly'.

I would also give these books a read, I found the first one really helpful.

Get Out of My Life: The bestselling guide to the twenty-first-century teenager

How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk

Omg you are not overreacting! If i’d been doing this at 13 i’d never been allowed to leave the house again or have a phone !
I’d try to stay calm though And chat and to her.

OP, She’s a hormone charged teenager and if there’s someone she fancies, this behaviour isn’t really that strange.

Of course, it depends what exactly is being said and whether she has planned to carry anything out, so I would keep an eye on it, for sure.

Talking sexually is very different to engaging in sexual activities though. I was curious about sex at 13/14 and I discussed it but I had no intention or desire to have sex until I was older.

I think it can be normal, really.

Have a word with her, not about the conversations per se, just let her know about the age of consent, etc.

And obviously try to ascertain the boy is the same age and not a grown man!!

People telling the OP to relax her parenting are the same people who would judge her parenting if her 13 year old fell pregnant.

Protect your daughter's innocence OP. I wish my mother had been more hands on when I was that age.

@yelyah22

Also all those assuming she's being groomed - obviously it IS a possibility, but having been a 13 year old girl not that far in the distant past it's also really not that unusual for them to be working out the boundaries and interests of their sexuality with these kind of chats. I read Lady Chatterley's Lover at 13 and was thinking about much ruder things than 'someone is giving a blowjob on telly'.

The OP knows the boy her dd is texting - he's 13 too, this is not about a child being groomed. That might be a worry but it is the worry specific to this thread. If grooming is a concern talk to them about that - this is just a boy in her class she probably just fancies.

Worth noting - one kid my dd hangs around with has very strict parents - she sneaks out quite a bit - they don't have a clue what she is doing, they are not protecting her - she has just learnt how to be a better liar.

Some appalling , poor parenting going on reading some posts! Ffs 13 is FAR too young for this shit. She's a child with no clue of the repercussions.