To expect husband to pay towards childcare

[heartshapedcloud]

Sorry this is long... will preface it by saying my DH is a lovely man, a very hands on dad but can at times be a bit tight.

Baby is only a few months old and this won't come in to play till beginning of next year but already feeling a bit off about it and just need to check if IBU before I bring it up...
I'll be taking a years maternity and going back half time when baby turns 11 months.

Husband is a much higher earner than me, salary just under 50k when mine is around 25 and will approximately halve once part time.

We both contribute to bills and mortgage, him 800 a month me 500 and I pay for most of the food shopping as I do it, unless I ask him when he will pay but never offers. He has a lot more than I do in savings, I don't have much since we had the baby.

I've already said I won't be able to pay for all the food on mat leave and will need to put a bit less towards bills, however I have bought pretty much everything so far for the baby other than gifts - hundreds of pounds on clothes,nappies wipes bottles etc and he makes me feel awkward asking and brings up how he pays for petrol and other stuff for the house. But he brings home thousands more than me each month.

What I'm worried about is that he seems to expect me to pay for childcare when I go back to work which will almost cancel out my earnings.

He's made loads of reference to how lucky I am having mat leave and going PT while baby is small but I did suggest him asking for part time hours too and he said no.

So he sort of acts like because I get time with the baby I don't need disposable income? I don't need a lot but am worried about having money just a bit for myself, my phone contract and occasional haircuts, baby groups etc

I really don't think I am, but before I gear up to potentially fall out with him AIBU for wanting some disposable income even though I get to stay off work with the baby?

Why don't you have combined finances? You're married with a baby and it makes no sense to me to do anything else.

YABU to have his savings and your savings. You’re married so legally everything is shared anyway. Putting everything in one pot will solve your problems.

yanbu. We just have a pot of money that is our money that we buy things we need with because we need them.

I’ve earned 4x as much as DP and he’s not worked, and I’ve been a student, and we’ve both had middling quite similar jobs. But we’ve always just pooled the pot & not gone without.

Did you discuss this before having a baby? And of course you aren’t being unreasonable he’s being ridiculous, everything should be split into household money and you should have the same amount of disposable income.

This is not a lovely man.

Have a look at the other thread that is running: “Husband won’t buy things for the children” (or words to that effect) as I think it will really help you.

Posts like this blow my mind - and not in a good way.

You need to tell him every single time he owes you money. Agree with him about petrol etc. say everything should come out of the joint account for visibility so for the moment 1300 ain't going to cut it. Do a household budget where you account for weekly spend on food, petrol, house expenses, social expenses (together, take aways etc) and baby expenses (formula, clothes, wipes, nappies). Acknowledge how much extra he's spending and agree to make it all shared expenses- that way he can't fob you off, if he's making it a problem you're making it a solution.

You should absolutely have discussed this before having a baby.

If you're married, it's pretty weird to not have combined finances, but once you've had a baby the set up he's suggesting is pretty much financial abuse. You need a joint account, into which you both pay the same % of your monthly earnings, and from which all household expenses - mortgage, bills, food, childcare, kid stuff etc - is paid from. Then you both have the same % of your earnings left over for "fun" money (haircuts, shopping, nights out etc).

Tell your DH that you have changed your mind and are going back full time. Tell him that he has to do half the pick ups and pay half of the child care. Itemise what you have bought so far and give him a bill for half. Do not let him get away with this or you will be miserable.

This kind of attitude to money would drive me to divorce.
You're married, there should not be your money/my money. Fine to have some desperate, but not to this extent.
Tbh, child is as much his responsibility and if you're giving up work to provide childcare I would expect him to pick up most, if not all of the nursery bill.
I think you need a conversation about money. No way should you be working all hours at your job and childcare and being expected to pay for it all.
Tightness with money is deeply unattractive and his attitude is sexist and borderline financial abuse.

Me and DH have never combined our finances but we work it so we have similar disposable income; when I worked full time we earns pretty much the same and both paid half to childcare: when I go back to work after my second maternity leave he’ll earn 15k more than me so will put more towards our shared expenses.
Since my DH was furloughed and saw what 24/7 childcare is like he no longer sees it as a break/time off.

Bloody autocorrect - separate not desperate!

Childcare and costs related to your child should be joint costs, with perhaps more of a contribution from him because of his higher earnings if you want to do it that way.

You need to have a conversation with him now and make it clear that childcare costs will be divided according to income.
I earned a little more than DH before having our DD 3 years ago. I decided I wanted reduce my hours after maternity leave and now we earn about an equal amount with me part time and DH full time. We split the childcare costs 50/50 and if DD is unable to attend nursery due to illness etc we split having to take time off to look after her. We discussed this shortly after DD was born, I think it’s important you address it sooner rather than later.

Jesus wept. Does he think it's 'your baby' not his or sonething? You need joint finances. It's absolutely outrageous that he's expecting you to pay everything connected with the baby and humiliating you by making you have to come to him cap in hand for money when you need it.

If you don't want to pool household earnings then you guys need to work out how much all the bills cost including food and childcare and each pay a share at least proportional to your wages so you've got the same left.

So if he's earning £50k and you are earning £12.5k you have a £62.5k income as a family. He's earning 80% and you are earning 20%. So he's paying 80% of each bill and you are paying 20%.

It's still not absolutely equal but it's much fairer.

Lol and what's he paying for the use of your body in bearing him a child??
He sounds awful. You should have combined finances. Work it out like this - when you combine your salaries if your salary is say 30% of the total amount, you pay 30% of food, 30% of utilities, 30% of childcare.

you are married. Childcare is a joint cost from combined income.
All costs for home house baby petrol are from joint income.
Or is it not his child too?

@OwlinaTree sorry didn't see your post there

How much petrol are you even churning through weekly? Unless you live rurally wouldn’t the weekly food shop & baby expenses exceed that ?

I am child free but this setup doesn’t sound very fair from your side & YANBU

He doesn’t sound that lovely - sounds like he enjoys keeping finances separate despite being married & should be a team. He also seems to think of everything to do with baby as your responsibility.

A spreadsheet could help & combining finances - it just seems so basic to have to spell out to a father why paying for petrol is not enough of a contribution & why he should be helping to pay for childcare.

It is grossly unfair in a marriage for one partner to have ample play money & the other partner is broke & has no visibility as to where the other partner’s money goes. It borders on financial abuse if someone insists on this setup.

all costs of the baby should be at least halved if both working- more to the working parent if reduced hrs for the other.
And no he’s not a “lovely” guy, he’s a guy that sees everything re: the baby as your job, your responsibility.

These threads appear with depressing regularity.
Your husband is not a lovely man.
He may be a hands-on dad but he puts his own financial security ahead of his baby’s needs.
Go back to work full time, split all costs equally and have no more children with him.

Wtaf youre actually paying out more a month on half the earnings!!!!

No. Absolutely not. You need all the figures in front of you on the actual monthly spends. Everything you spend. Food, snacks, nappies, days out with the baby, clothing, petrol bus fares, every single expense. It will be far more than his £800.

You need to say you will absolutely not be paying childcare costs out of your wage. That would mean your expenses were more than his and that would be nothing short of financial abuse.

You need to suggest both salaries go into one account for bills and savings, and you each have the same amount go into your own accounts for general spends. Obviously, all baby related days out / classes come out of the joint account.

I would STRONGLY recommend you go back full time and progress your career. He is not a team
Player.

He earns about 2700 a month and you earn 1300.

Start a joint account for food, bills, mortgage etc. I do most of the food shopping but it comes out the joint which we both pay into.

Your dh does not sound like he wants you to be a team though. He seems really selfish

Well he's sitting pretty isn't he, a couple of grand each month for his fun money which is more than you earn. You are already on a raw deal with the 800/500 split.

As a pp said do a full budget, a proportional split goes in the joint account and all bills are bad from there.

However I do think it takes a spectacularly shit person to sit on hundreds of pounds a month whilst your wife is left with no money for anything.

YANBU. I don't think there's anything wrong with having separate accounts if you want to, that each have a small amount of 'me' money in, but only when combined with a joint account that you both put a (large) percentage of your wage in. This has to be fair.

I've been with a tightarse before. I left with my toddler. Never again.