To expect husband to pay towards childcare

[heartshapedcloud]

Sorry this is long... will preface it by saying my DH is a lovely man, a very hands on dad but can at times be a bit tight.

Baby is only a few months old and this won't come in to play till beginning of next year but already feeling a bit off about it and just need to check if IBU before I bring it up...
I'll be taking a years maternity and going back half time when baby turns 11 months.

Husband is a much higher earner than me, salary just under 50k when mine is around 25 and will approximately halve once part time.

We both contribute to bills and mortgage, him 800 a month me 500 and I pay for most of the food shopping as I do it, unless I ask him when he will pay but never offers. He has a lot more than I do in savings, I don't have much since we had the baby.

I've already said I won't be able to pay for all the food on mat leave and will need to put a bit less towards bills, however I have bought pretty much everything so far for the baby other than gifts - hundreds of pounds on clothes,nappies wipes bottles etc and he makes me feel awkward asking and brings up how he pays for petrol and other stuff for the house. But he brings home thousands more than me each month.

What I'm worried about is that he seems to expect me to pay for childcare when I go back to work which will almost cancel out my earnings.

He's made loads of reference to how lucky I am having mat leave and going PT while baby is small but I did suggest him asking for part time hours too and he said no.

So he sort of acts like because I get time with the baby I don't need disposable income? I don't need a lot but am worried about having money just a bit for myself, my phone contract and occasional haircuts, baby groups etc

I really don't think I am, but before I gear up to potentially fall out with him AIBU for wanting some disposable income even though I get to stay off work with the baby?

@Suewiththeredford, you and I have very similar stories! And couldn’t agree more that the woman shaming needs to stop. People who smugly ‘can’t understand all these women who set the bar so low’ and ‘sleepwalk into this situation’ are clearly lucky enough to have not experienced a relationship with an abuser.

I responded earlier having mainly read ops posts

But will throw in another vote for @AlexandraLeaving spreadsheet

I do a spreadsheet anyway for household budgeting but it's a bit weird how I do it according to my accountant aunt

But it makes sense to me!

When dd left school and started working full time - and earning very well! I also lost the benefits I had been receiving for her but of course she was still needing fed, housed, heated and bathed!

Over the years I've shown her how I budget anyway so when she balked at what I asked her for keep (only 1/5 of her wage!) I was able to show her - in blanch & white as AlexandraLeaving says - that actually that didn't even COVER what she cost!

Dd then understood thankfully as I simply couldn't afford to keep another adult and receive no income to do so.

A grown ass man should already know the realities of life though!

Babies aren't free! And neither unfortunately is mat leave or the impact of child bearing on women's earning capabilities.

Wishing you loads of luck for the talk tonight

@AlexandraLeaving agree it very much depends what type of tightwad op is dealing with

Op please if he won't act fairly seriously consider leaving. My mum has been subjected to this kind of crap by my dad for almost 50 years now (as part of a whole package of abuse!) and its miserable!

It also extended to us children, my parents are always saying we "never went without" and it's true we didn't miss out on essentials - but we DID miss out on better quality essentials and lots of luxuries that our family should easily have been able to afford if it hadn't been for the combination of dads miserliness and his pissing his money away on booze!

But I've also a number of friends who's dads were "JUST" miserly - what we now understand as financially abusive - and again it extended to the children in every case.

Your child is only a baby just now so won't be aware of anything amiss but as they get older they definitely will and it's horrible not being able to do certain things or buy certain things or go certain places - not because it's unaffordable but because of a miserly parent. Not least because others are pretty good at roughly assessing likely household income, in my case dad was army and the other army brats, well certainly their parents KNEW what pay dad was on and couldn't understand why we were almost ALWAYS having to say no to school trips, days out, hell even just going swimming! Especially if their dad was 2/3 ranks lower and they had bigger families and their mum didn't work!

It made no sense.

It affects confidence and socialisation massively!

No money isn't everything but when people know you're on a low income they understand better than if they believe you're on a higher income but not living as such.

Hard to explain as it sounds a bit "keeping up with the Joneses" but it wasn't that, it was missing out when we knew there was really no good reason to be missing out other than dad simply didn't want to spend what he saw as "his" money that "he'd earned" on either mum or us kids!

Mum tried her best, but his job and his alcoholism limited what she could do work wise, she used various bits of subterfuge to hide her true wage from dad but he'd also use underhand techniques to find out and then there'd be hell to pay for her!

It's an awful thing to grow up with, so I'm glad you're going to hopefully resolve matters sooner rather than later.

Sorry that went on a bit - but it's why I find these threads where women and by extension children are being taken advantage of financially so frustrating and heartbreaking.

Agree with the consensus - you’re married and having a baby together for goodness sake.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

Be prepared to see a side of this man you havent before. This situation did not come about by accident he has engineered it to leave you in weaker more vulnerable position than him. These actions indicate he is not the lovely man you think he is.

Judge people by their actions, not their empty words. Dont be bullied into accepting less than a full and fair partnership - that's what marriage and having babies together is all about.

All money and expenses shared, equal spending money, and dont be one of those women who doesnt know anything about the finances thats a dangerous situation. Take an interest in it, discuss savings and plans for the future. Anything less and you're better off without him with a Court reminding him of his responsibilities.

Many many women have walked this path, gone part time, had their careers stall, been left with all the household drudge work and then reminded daily of how little their contribution is valued. And then eventually when it ends, because it will if its not a fair partnership, they are left in dire financial situations. Dont let someone do that to you.

I agree. Please do not leave yourself financially dependent on him.

[quote AlexandraLeaving]@heartshapedcloud well done for going to tackle him on this and for realising that the situation is not fair. You are absolutely right to do so.

Please can I suggest two things:

(1) That you try to pull together a spreadsheet (example attached, I hope) to demonstrate the massive unfairness of the situation. I think it is much easier to show the ridiculousness of his position if it's set out in that way than simply a discussion based on a list of numbers. So much harder to ignore what is in black & white.

(2) That you do not start the discussion from a standpoint that the pre-baby situation is reasonable or fair and that all you need to do is to adjust it to take account of additional expenses post-baby. In my view, the original situation was ALREADY unfair and unequal - and while I can see how easy it is to drift in to that sort of situation, that doesn't make it right to accept it as the baseline.

I know the figures in my spreadsheet are guesstimates, but if they are even broadly indicative this suggests that you currently contribute proportionately more of your income to household expenditure than he does even if the sum he contributes is slightly more. And, post-baby, the situation is much much much worse.

Good luck.[/quote]
This!

And this (from quoted post) is very important
you currently contribute proportionately more of your income to household expenditure than he does even if the sum he contributes is slightly more. And, post-baby, the situation is much much much worse

You can't be a good dad or a "hands on" dad if you don't pay for anything.

If you have to start a thread by saying "he's a great man but..." It almost certainly.means that actually he isn't.

Your arrangement doesn't sound fair at all and he should be contributing far far more anyway, even before you had kids. Really you should just share things.

It does actually sound like you would be financially better off without him.

Couldn't even be bothered to read all your OP.

I'd be looking at giving him one chance to become a decent person and then if not, stop buying him anything as you can't afford it with having to pay all for the baby, look at full time work, save ever penny you can. Then leave the tight twat. He's none of those lovely things you said when he keeps his wallet padlocked.

Good luck with the talk. You should not be married to a high earner and be worrying about paying for your phone and haircuts.

He's anything but a good father or husband.🙄

Tight men like him are NEVER stupid with money.
He's knows well he is screwing you over.

He probably thinks you are, at best naive, at worst a bit dim.

You are in a financially abusive relationship.

Deny it all you like.
Be shocked and disbelieving.

But you are with a man who is financially abusing you, and plans on continuing to do so....if he can get away with it.

Google financial abuse, take a good hard look, because this is where you are.

Be very, very careful of the decisions you make going forward.

He is not a good man.

Good men, husbands, fathers don't try and screw financially the mother of their child.

Please protect yourself.

Sort out your contraception.

Do NOT depend on him financially, his go to inclination is to screw you.

You need to prepare yourself tonight, to give it to him with both barrels.

Do NOT go softly softly.

Reach out for support from family and friends.

He wants things to go on as before, with him banking money and you scraping around for money for a haircut.

The sheer indignity of it.

What is your background like?, do you come from an abusive family, that you have thought this is all you deserve up to now?

You do not have to be a victim of an abusive relationship.

You are young.

Protect yourself, he does not have your best interests at heart.
He certainly doesn't for his child.

Wishing you strength OP.

You deserve better than this excuse of a man.

If he denies that this was his intention.

He will make a substantial transfer into your account, fully compensating you for his meanness and agree ALL finances are available to you.

Anything else is him trying to get away with financially abusing you.

If this is the case.
Go back full time and get out of a relationship that will leave you wasting years on a mean pig of a man.

Meanness goes to the core of a man.

In my situation the salaries are reversed. Both salaries go into one account, all household bills eg mortgage is split 50/50 and then I pay all the childcare and the food bill. He has a set amount of spending money each month as do I but mine is higher because I earn twice what he does. But it evens out as if there are things to buy around the house etc or kids clothes or money for days out then I pay

I'd be going back to work full time tbh. If you split up you'll want the peace of mind that you have stayed financially independent and you will have contributed to a pension etc.

I have 3 under 5 and building on my career has been really important to me. DP took some of the parental leave and we take an equal amount of days off when the children are ill.

I’m confused. What is his reasoning behind his theory that you alone should be responsible for childcare costs?

Good luck OP. He’s neither a lovely man nor a hands on father based on what you’ve described, unfortunately, but hopefully he’s just been a thoughtless twat rather than an abusive one.

Anyone who is “a bit tight” is, by definition, not a nice or generous or giving person. Regardless of any other positive personally traits they may have.

A genuinely good bloke would never have allowed things to get to this point in the first place. I hope you can resolve it.

Good men fall over new mother's.

They would no more rip off and be mean with the new mother of their child.

Seriously, what head space are you in to want to leave the mother of your child short?

Ugly, ugly men.

Certainly neither good men, husbands, and fathers.

I really hope the OP is going to protect herself against anoher odious MN twat.🙄

I can’t get my head around how you earn half what he does yet pay £500 and he only pays £800 and pays for food shopping! This is crazy. You are married - things should be more equal. We don’t have his / her money - we are a family and it’s combined (my husband earns 6 times more than me). Like others have said - he’s not a “good man” he’s selfish. Please please sort this before baby comes. I had a friend on mat leave who had to ask for spending money to buy a coffee from her husband - it totally destroyed their marriage.

You should have the same amount of spending money each month.

And they're not his savings. Cheek!

Did he skip the 'all that I have is yours' bit of his wedding vows or did he think it wasn't true?

I hope you've drawn a line in the sand OP. He doesn't see you as an equal at present. Not a good sign in a marriage.

Wow that spreadsheet really brings it home. @AlexandraLeaving is there any chance you could make a template in a public Google doc for other people to use? I honestly have read so many threads here where the poster could really do with putting it all down like that. It’s so powerful seeing the disparity side by side like that.

I've just read your updates OP. Good for you standing your ground. He is absolutely in the wring here. I echo others in saying that (a) this is financial abuse, and (b) if you reduce your hours to look after your and your husband's child, then you are facilitating his career, and he does not get to reap the financial benefits of that by himself.

Another point: do not stop paying into your pension! Many women make this mistake and it would leave you less well off in later life if you were to split. (I believe in a divorce you can claim on your husband's pension, but it doesn't always work out fairly). Keep paying in the same amount as you were when full time.

I hope you managed to have a good and productive conversation last night.
Hopefully he's taken on board that this is HIS child as well and HE needs to support and help raise it.
If he didn't, then I hope you are putting together your exit plan!

There should be no his or yours.. and you shouldn't be worried about discussing finances with your husband. You sound a lot like a friend of mine and she's now divorced.

Me and my husband do keep our own salaries, we both put half of the bills into a joint account. Every set monthly payment comes out of there including phone contracts, childcare etc. We then wing the rest.. if the kids need something we discuss who'll pay. It usually him who pays for more routine stuff like shopping and fuel and me who pays for the extras. But If either of us want anything we cant pay for then we just ask each other.. if he needs £50 for something and I have it then I give it, same the other way round. We tend to buy each other's things like clothes, shoes etc because neither of us can ever commit to spending our own salaries on ourselves.. but will happily hand the other £100 for a new pair of shoes!

I genuinely don't know how anyone, male or female puts up separate finances.. if you're married and split up there's no mine/yours then..my friends husband learnt that the hard way when she divorced and took half his precious savings.

He's not 'bit' tight at all. He's taking you for a mug, whether its deliberate or not