To expect husband to pay towards childcare

[heartshapedcloud]

Sorry this is long... will preface it by saying my DH is a lovely man, a very hands on dad but can at times be a bit tight.

Baby is only a few months old and this won't come in to play till beginning of next year but already feeling a bit off about it and just need to check if IBU before I bring it up...
I'll be taking a years maternity and going back half time when baby turns 11 months.

Husband is a much higher earner than me, salary just under 50k when mine is around 25 and will approximately halve once part time.

We both contribute to bills and mortgage, him 800 a month me 500 and I pay for most of the food shopping as I do it, unless I ask him when he will pay but never offers. He has a lot more than I do in savings, I don't have much since we had the baby.

I've already said I won't be able to pay for all the food on mat leave and will need to put a bit less towards bills, however I have bought pretty much everything so far for the baby other than gifts - hundreds of pounds on clothes,nappies wipes bottles etc and he makes me feel awkward asking and brings up how he pays for petrol and other stuff for the house. But he brings home thousands more than me each month.

What I'm worried about is that he seems to expect me to pay for childcare when I go back to work which will almost cancel out my earnings.

He's made loads of reference to how lucky I am having mat leave and going PT while baby is small but I did suggest him asking for part time hours too and he said no.

So he sort of acts like because I get time with the baby I don't need disposable income? I don't need a lot but am worried about having money just a bit for myself, my phone contract and occasional haircuts, baby groups etc

I really don't think I am, but before I gear up to potentially fall out with him AIBU for wanting some disposable income even though I get to stay off work with the baby?

Agree with all the comments.

You're married with a child - your finances would be better combined.

I earn over x2 my partner's income (we're not married but have two children). We pay the bills out of the joint income which is paid in to the same account each month. It would never enter my mind that I should get to keep some of my additional earnings. My partner helps facilitate my career and therefore earnings potential. Everything I earn is for the good of the family - I'm not sure I honestly could be with someone who thinks differently.

Your husband is a knob.
It is his baby too. Why should he not contribute to the baby being looked after?
I agree it's weird to have separate finances at this stage.

This is an insane set-up. We have completely joint finances but even if we didn’t, I’d never want to be with someone that didn’t pay their fair share towards a child they brought into the world.

@OwlinaTree

If you don't want to pool household earnings then you guys need to work out how much all the bills cost including food and childcare and each pay a share at least proportional to your wages so you've got the same left.

So if he's earning £50k and you are earning £12.5k you have a £62.5k income as a family. He's earning 80% and you are earning 20%. So he's paying 80% of each bill and you are paying 20%.

It's still not absolutely equal but it's much fairer.

This.

He needs to work flexibly if he won't work PT.

You also need to make it clear to him that you will expect him to do at least two drop offs/pick ups a week otherwise when your child goes to school you are going to be screwed. (Most men do the drop offs.)

Ask to see his work conditions as if he's in an office job and he says his employer won't let him he is very likely lying. I work in a male dominated field and when people have children virtually every employer I have has been flexible. The downside of that is you have to be flexible, so you may have to do some urgent work when the kid goes to bed or on a weekend afternoon. For men it actually doesn't hinder their career.

You’re responsible for 2.5 days of childcare a week each. If you’re part time, you’ll be doing your own 2.5 days. Ask him what he plans to do for his 2.5 days - look after the child himself or pay for childcare?

He's being ridiculously mean. Just the two of us, but we put in a % of our earnings into a joint account each month which pays for all of our joint stuff, including mortgage, bills, food, nights out and holidays. Whatever is left of our own money is ours to spend or save. We put in way more than this and earn a lot less.

We have separate finances but and both pay proportion of salary into joint household account. DH earns more than me so pays more in to joint account. When we earned the same we both paid in the same. Joint account pays mortgage, gas, electricity, water, council tax, TV and internet package, food, takeaways, kids gifts, kids activities, cleaner, babysitter, Xmas costs, holiday costs, and joint gifts to extended family. We both have joint card to pay for these things. We pay out our own accounts gifts for each other, mobiles, car tax and insurance, car fuel, travel cost on train, any credit card spending, lunches out with friends, costa coffee at.lunchtimes, treats and snacks, charity donations, sponsoring friend, etc.

We both have similar amounts left after paying into joint. If joint is running a bit low we both contribute a bit more.

It works for us, as I would not like DH to see how much his gifts cost and I am able to treat a friend to lunch without DH knowing. I have also sent some cash to my sister when her car broke down and she did not have money to get it fixed but needed it repaired to get to work. I know DH sent his niece money out of his account when she was travelling and ran low on cash. I also know if I told DH I needed money for something and did not have enough he would just gift me some and I would do same for him.

Could you explain this method to your dh and ask him to do it. Explain baby and related childcare cost should be shared. His baby too.

It's so difficult because so many women feel quite grateful to be able to have time with their baby and then be part-time. It's only looking back that I realise how inequitable it all was when I had two small children with my exH and he carried on with his life and expenditure as normal, but at the time the most important thing to me was being with them so I just fitted part-time work around their needs and spent barely anything on myself.

It is his child too, so he should share costs. Paid childcare is a cost which should be indisputably be shared. And not going back to work or going part time, if that's the decision made by the couple, means sacrificing income - so that reduction should also be shared, as it's just another form of childcare costs.

The baby is half his biologically. You are married. He should give you 28% of his salary for the baby. This metric is commonly used for American child support cases. Yes, you share a home, but you do most of the hard baby care.

Why on earth does he have ‘his’ savings? Is he planning for a big pot just for him later on in life?

I can’t believe he isn’t contributing towards paying for things like nappies, is he not aware he is a father now?

I’d ask him both of these questions and see what he says.

OP

You need to list all your outgoings as a family and give him the lost to digest.

Include car tax petrol bills phone contracts insurance repairs food clothes groups every penny!

It's so difficult because so many women feel quite grateful to be able to have time with their baby and then be part-time. It's only looking back that I realise how inequitable it all was when I had two small children with my exH and he carried on with his life and expenditure as normal, but at the time the most important thing to me was being with them so I just fitted part-time work around their needs and spent barely anything on myself.

I was told by two of my SILs when I was in my early 20s that if I had a child with a man you have to tell them exactly what you expect them to do from the beginning and ensure they do it. Then it gets easier as they will have bonded with their child and know they have to step up.

Words fail me.

This man is at best thoughtless, if not completely selfish. You are a team, that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have joint bank accounts but family expenses should be shared appropriately as a % of earnings.

You need to have a conversation ASAP because personally I wouldn’t be taking full maternity leave allocation or returning part time if this was his approach. Stop being so conciliatory, this man is happy to not financially contribute whatsoever to his own child. Let that sink in for a moment and tell me what you would think if a friend’s husband was like this?

Oh god, not another one 😖

How does this happen to women?

OP - this is a massively unfair set up.

You should be pooling your money and have the same amount to ‘fritter’ each month.

Childcare is a joint cost for your joint child.

A lovely man would not be letting you worry about how you're going to afford childcare while happily stashing away his 50k salary in savings.

What is his reasoning for expecting you to pay for childcare?!

You need to talk to him op. Forget all this I think he think stuff. Tell him you're stressed about finances as your mat at is going to drop so you want to talk.

You're paying 1300 in total and day 300 in food, milk and nappies? Tell him you either need to share finances or he needs to cover everything until you're back in work.

If he's getting 3k a month and you're getting 1k then he needs to be covering at least 3/4 of the costs so maybe you do food/nappies and some childcare and he pay the rest or you can't afford to work. So not get into the red whilst he's sitting flush

This is not a lovely man, or a good father.

Joint account. Each have own equal spending money. Excess from joint account goes into savings.

I am genuinely confused as to why this was not sorted before you had a baby. You are married, your finances are joint.

This is outrageous I'm afraid. All of your money is family money. It should all go into one pot and you each should have a personal allowance each month to spend as you want. The central pot should pay for all bills, food, childcare, children's clothes etc.

If he won't agree to an approach like this to your family money, I would be very wary about damaging my career for him.

I get it as my DH and I have always had separate finances and used to split costs evenly until we had children and I went back to work 3/5 days. Definitely get all your numbers worked out and sit down together to make a plan. For us, I kept some utilities in my name but stopped contributing to the mortgage at all. I took on all the costs for childcare and baby related purchases from wipes and baby groups to nursery fees and furniture. Be prepared though that in order to keep your job there may be a few lean years, especially if you have another baby in quick succession. For a couple of years I had 2 children in childcare for 3 days a week at about £100 a day each and I barely netted anything at all after travel costs and petrol. It's well worth it, I love my job it's part of my identity and it keeps me sane, and now they are both at school I have a lot more money though most of it still goes on them!!

@Pumperthepumper

This is not a lovely man, or a good father.

I agree.

I thank the stars for my lovely PIL who brought up both of their sons in a home with even distribution of childcare, money and responsibilities and taught them how to look after themselves.

My DH and I moved in with him not expecting me to look after him, rather he expected an equal partner.

When we started talking about finances post baby he instantly said that we’d obviously pool our money, pay all the expenses including childcare and savings and then split what was left as it wasn’t reasonable to expect SMP to fund much of anything, and when I was PT it wasn’t fair for me to have less because I was with the baby.

I manage the budget (I’m an account so it’s easier) and he’s not interested in the detail but there’s a detailed monthly spreadsheet if he ever wants to see. He still hasn’t asked in 8 years.

As far as I’m concerned anything less is unacceptable.

I am not grateful to my husband for the statutory right of maternity leave, or that his salary was most of our incomings during it. He wanted a baby. If he had said he wanted a baby but didn’t want his finances impacted I’d have left him and found someone who might actually be a good dad and partner to have a child with.
When you talk about it, ask him what he thinks everyone else you know will say when you say I’m completely skint as dh thinks our child is my problem and won’t pay for childcare so it takes every think I earn. These men know it’s not a reasonable approach and that others will judge them, he won’t be happy with you telling people! You should never cover for selfish entitled people like that. Let everyone see them for who they are- it’s not a ‘lovely dad’ that’s for sure.

We're not married, DP earns about 7k less then I do, first baby due soon. We currently contribute the same amount to the joint account every month for mortgage bills and have separate savings for emergencies, or joint/individual large purchases. We have agreed that whilst I'm on maternity leave we will pool all our income, take off the bills etc then split the remainder 50/50 for spending money, petrol each etc. When I go back to work we will both be full time and pay the nursery fees 50/50. I'm thinking about offering to take a larger share because I earn more but DP is happy if I don't. I actually think keeping our money separate so far has been good, neither of us has to justify anything we spend and there's an joint expectation that we have enough in our savings to stump up for things like house repairs. I made it very clear when I got pregnant that I did not expect to be financially disadvantaged compared to him because of it, and as he's not a dick head he's never suggested I should be. I think you need to have a firm word with him about responsibility. Also shocked he hasn't paid for or towards baby equipment.

Stop calling him a lovely man and a lovely dad in your head and start calling him what he is: a mean, parsimonious twat who is on the verge of financially abusing you and has no interest in financially supporting his own child.

Then get angry about it.

Sorry OP, this is all shades of wrong.

how is he lovely hes financialy abusing you and your child

hes going to be earning 3 times more than you and you have to pay for all childcare and baby stuff

i dont think so-why was this not discussed beforehand