To expect husband to pay towards childcare

[heartshapedcloud]

Sorry this is long... will preface it by saying my DH is a lovely man, a very hands on dad but can at times be a bit tight.

Baby is only a few months old and this won't come in to play till beginning of next year but already feeling a bit off about it and just need to check if IBU before I bring it up...
I'll be taking a years maternity and going back half time when baby turns 11 months.

Husband is a much higher earner than me, salary just under 50k when mine is around 25 and will approximately halve once part time.

We both contribute to bills and mortgage, him 800 a month me 500 and I pay for most of the food shopping as I do it, unless I ask him when he will pay but never offers. He has a lot more than I do in savings, I don't have much since we had the baby.

I've already said I won't be able to pay for all the food on mat leave and will need to put a bit less towards bills, however I have bought pretty much everything so far for the baby other than gifts - hundreds of pounds on clothes,nappies wipes bottles etc and he makes me feel awkward asking and brings up how he pays for petrol and other stuff for the house. But he brings home thousands more than me each month.

What I'm worried about is that he seems to expect me to pay for childcare when I go back to work which will almost cancel out my earnings.

He's made loads of reference to how lucky I am having mat leave and going PT while baby is small but I did suggest him asking for part time hours too and he said no.

So he sort of acts like because I get time with the baby I don't need disposable income? I don't need a lot but am worried about having money just a bit for myself, my phone contract and occasional haircuts, baby groups etc

I really don't think I am, but before I gear up to potentially fall out with him AIBU for wanting some disposable income even though I get to stay off work with the baby?

I really really don’t get these threads on MN. If you’re married with a child then everything should be split. If you’re going PT and part of reason is to look after child then everything should be split.

DH earns slightly more than me (2350 more a year) but I do 4 days and he does 5 (my job pays better). I also get about 15k a year from a rental property. DH sold his rental property. Whilst I pay the mortgage/any other bills on that property, everything else is split 50/50 and whilst the rental is in my name only (simply cos I bought it in 2003 and only met DH in 2014) as far as I’m concerned, the equity in it is family money and our futures are planned taking that into account.

We have a credit card in my name for which DH is an extra card holder and any shopping (food, kids clothes, stuff for kids, house, presents for family, meals out etc) all goes on there and we split it end of month. If either of us spends for “us” (clothes, going out with mates etc) then we pay for that ourselves out of “own” money. But even though we have “own” money we know it’s not really, it’s all family money. We both put set amount into a joint account for mortgage, bills etc and all car insurance a split.

I just don’t get why anyone does it any other way when they’re married with kids

Oh and I will come back tomorrow and update how the chat goes down... I hate when people don't return!

It’s easy to end up buying stuff out of one pot as the woman is often the one to start nesting. It was the same with me. We’d go into a shop, I liked an outfit or a toy etc and I was working, wed go to then I’d pay. Then the big stuff I can’t remember. Either DP bought it or we’d share the cost. I can totally see how it happens, the point is now you need to change it and this will show you how strong your relationship is and whether he’s a ‘lovely guy’ or not.

Why can’t you just merge your accounts and just have a pot of money that you share? I don’t understand married couples with separate finances, it just sounds hard work.

I wouldn’t have a baby with someone unless finances were joint, you are basically taking a hit financially and in terms of your career whilst your husband is sitting pretty adding to his savings and carrying on with his career, nah.

This is financial abuse. Period.

Is he benefiting from having a child? I think he is.

Science dictates which orifice your baby came from. Science (arguably) states who is more likely to have time off once your baby is born (to physically and mentally recover and also soak up those maternal hormones). There is absolutely no way you should pay for the childcare on your own. He is still on the same wage as he was pre-baby and you have enriched his life.

Yes, this could have been discussed pre baby, but sharing childcare duties and money shouldn't have to be IMHO.

My husband and I both earn well and have seperate bank accounts. It's an unwritten rule who pays for what between our shared life, eg car, mortgage, bills and then we have as much as we want to spend on ourselves. Obviously everything is shared, if something terrible happened, but we like not having to discuss a shared account and I'm glad I don't get to see how much he spends in the pub (pre lockdown of course). This attitude might be because we earn equally, and were financially independent before we met.

I am pregnant with our first, and I'm choosing to be the one who takes a year off and my salary will halve for that year , and it's unlikely I will go back full time (reducing future income for the sake of our child). He could have made this sacrifice, but instead I am. Therefore once the baby is born, we will be sharing more. Why on earth should I not have enough money to go out with my friends for dinner, after I've enriched his life by giving him a child? This goes for pregnancy aswell, we both pay for maternity clothes etc. Not just my fault I'm growing out of my clothes!

He wouldn't get away with that suggestion if he was my husband... why on earth does he think he doesn't have to pay, and have you go without?

Wow thanks for all the replies - I'm bringing it up this evening and things are definitely going to change!!

@heartshapedcloud - it's so good that you are doing this now, early on in the changing dynamic of becoming a family, not just a couple. DH and I had some rocky times but I absolutely stopped being a doormat at one point. I still remember his confusion when his family were cvoming and I didn't lift a finger, because I was the one who would single handedly haul mattresses up and down flights of stairs, clean, cook, make beds, then be grumpy and exhausted by the time they arrived while he would be bemused by me and charming to them. The day I stopped, he realised how much physical effort i was putting in. It was my turn to swan around all calm and sweet while he got hot and bothered.

Teach him to be fair and equal from the outset. Don't make any of the work you do invisible. During teen years I have been saying to DH: DS is struggling emotionally. He comes to me for hour long chats every night. They are emotionally draining. I consider this household work, so please while he's going through this and i;m supporting him, will you pick up the slack on XYZ. He did. But you have to explain it all very calmly and very directly. You'll need to do this about work as well as finance. When he gets back from work, he shares the chores. You've not been sitting on your sofa all day, looking after children. You've been working too.

Some people will say, 'You shouldn't have to teach him'. Well no, but far better teach him than be silently resentful and invisible.

I like your solution. Joint account, same disposable income.

I also like the suggestion upthread of saying you're both responsible for 2.5 days of childcare when you go back to work. You're covering yours by going PT - he can cover his by going PT too, or by outsourcing (and paying for it).

Why isn't he taking any parental leave?

Make sure you get as much free time as him, even on maternity leave. And at weekends, he's equally responsible for the housework.

You are not unreasonable. Explain it all to him and ask if he would feel degraded having to ask you for haircut money.

Sorry when I say 50/50 I mean in your case proportionately. It’s easier for us to do 50/50 as we earn pretty similar (I get an extra 2.5% towards my pension from work than DH does so it’s pretty even when looked at that way). I don’t think you should be 50/50 but proportionate to what you each earn

Jesus not another one. Why do women set the bar so depressingly low? I agree with a PP, why was this not discussed as part of the TTC conversation? Why are childcare costs seen as womens? I genuinely dont understand this.

Do not accept paying for everything for the baby and shouldering all the costs of having a child. This would be a deal breaker for me. Once you divorce he will be forced to pay, I would remind him of that, but how depressing that you need to, to your own husband...

OP I am glad that you are going to tackle your DH. Good luck.
It does annoy me on MN the way some posters pile on to the OP in these situations and say she has to tell her DP/H that he has to contribute half of childcare costs and they have to have a joint account . Some men simply flatly refuse to join accounts or pay for childcare .
My God daughter is in this situation. Her DH is a high earner but refuses to contribute to childcare and my GD has to pay 50% household costs . She permanently struggles for money..He will not even discuss it . Also, he does absolutely no childcare .
Again MN would then say , leave him and he will have to do EOW etc. It wouldn’t happen.
Sorry , I am not trying to derail this thread , I am trying to point out that often it is not as easy to make things fairer .

gahh threads like this absolutely boil my blood!!!!
Why on earth should he NOT pay for childcare for his own child??? Just because you're a woman does that mean it's automatically your sole responsibility? He helped make the baby, he can help pay for its upkeep as well, and more than half as he earns far more than you.
As for the maternity leave you have taken, remind him that it's labour, not a fricking holiday in the Maldives. If you didn't do it, he'd have to, and his career would suffer. It's your labour that enables him to both enjoy the privilege of having a child whilst keeping his lucrative career going from strength to strength. Don't ever let him forget that the child is just as much his as yours, or that housework and child rearing is real work.

Good luck

I would also bring up the savings as he has those because actually you have been paying out more than him for a long time (food adds up)

How does he really feel about you going PT? Its all well saying he could too, but could afford both of you going PT? Could it affect his prospect of earning more in the future?

If you earn £25k, all your income would not go into childcare, so your choice of going PT will affect the pot coming in and maybe that's why he feels that it's not fair he should have to make the difference up.

@Oldbutstillgotit - then what is the point of him?
Why is she still with him?
She doesn't benefit at all from staying.
You should be encouraging her to get the hell out of there.

The way we work it is that rather than a percentage of our salary in the joint account, all of our money goes in the joint account. Bills set up from there. Each month we get the SAME spending money into our personal accounts and anything left over at the end of the month goes into the savings to pay off mortgage quicker/emergency repairs.

All child related costs are joint costs. This needs resolving ASAP.

You should both have equal personal spending money regardless of who earns what...

Just like you should have equal "leisure time regardless of who works or not...

Hi OP,

This is so far from fair.

I'm currently pregnant and will take just short of a year mat leave from October. I currently earn around 1/3 more than DP (his £45k to my £63k) but when tax is taken into account it's only about £600 difference each month. We live in a flat that I own and split all bills/mortgage/utilities/cleaner etc. in half; I buy 90% of the food and have bought more bits for the baby. We are engaged and very happy, but prefer to keep our finances separate but open and readdress how we share responsibilities as and when things change.

TO put into context, DP is now paying 50% again of all the household costs into an account in my name each month, so when my income drops to SMP after 6 months, I won't pay anything towards the household bills for those four months. My paltry £150 each week will be for lunches out, coffees, clothes for me if I want them etc. so I can really enjoy maternity leave. When I go back to work, childcare will be split 50/50. This is what a partnership based on kindness looks like to me.

Hi OP

When working out the bills, also do a future forecast factoring in childcare costs.

Child Maintenance alone would be £477 per month, that's without his bills etc if you were to separate, so that's a starting point alone on your baby's basics to begin with!

Should say - I am responsible for all repairs etc. as it's my flat, but we share things like a new dishwasher and I put most of the extra money I have each month into a savings account that will go towards our next place that we will buy together.

Good luck OP

Good luck with the talk OP. . Marriage should be a team with a united front, not unequal.

Does he think the baby isn't his?FGS! What a twat. Does he think he has no responsibility for him?

You need all earnings to go into one account from which everything is paid for, including things like food, and baby clothes etc especially childcare.

If you both have access to that account then that's all that you need to happen and you'll both have some money for emergency purchases/coffees out/new jeans/whatever he wants too.

Otherwise, everything gets paid and you divide what's left by 3, between savings, money for you to spend, money for him to spend. That's it.

Reading your original post made my blood boil at his attitude!