To expect husband to pay towards childcare

[heartshapedcloud]

Sorry this is long... will preface it by saying my DH is a lovely man, a very hands on dad but can at times be a bit tight.

Baby is only a few months old and this won't come in to play till beginning of next year but already feeling a bit off about it and just need to check if IBU before I bring it up...
I'll be taking a years maternity and going back half time when baby turns 11 months.

Husband is a much higher earner than me, salary just under 50k when mine is around 25 and will approximately halve once part time.

We both contribute to bills and mortgage, him 800 a month me 500 and I pay for most of the food shopping as I do it, unless I ask him when he will pay but never offers. He has a lot more than I do in savings, I don't have much since we had the baby.

I've already said I won't be able to pay for all the food on mat leave and will need to put a bit less towards bills, however I have bought pretty much everything so far for the baby other than gifts - hundreds of pounds on clothes,nappies wipes bottles etc and he makes me feel awkward asking and brings up how he pays for petrol and other stuff for the house. But he brings home thousands more than me each month.

What I'm worried about is that he seems to expect me to pay for childcare when I go back to work which will almost cancel out my earnings.

He's made loads of reference to how lucky I am having mat leave and going PT while baby is small but I did suggest him asking for part time hours too and he said no.

So he sort of acts like because I get time with the baby I don't need disposable income? I don't need a lot but am worried about having money just a bit for myself, my phone contract and occasional haircuts, baby groups etc

I really don't think I am, but before I gear up to potentially fall out with him AIBU for wanting some disposable income even though I get to stay off work with the baby?

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov has good advice. You need to acknowledge that you both contribute now (don’t get too hung up on who does more/less) but that as now you have a baby and your careers will be impacted in different ways it is now the moment to move to a joint pot. How this works is you each put all your pay check into one account, which you use for all household stuff which of course includes food and petrol and childcare. You can then have joint savings accounts that you also pay into. Then if you want you can also have separate spending accounts but the same amount should go into each persons account each month - this would be more for clothes, treats etc.

I’ve never understood how people can share their lives with someone, see how hard they work, but turn around and say “but I work really hard and earn £50k and I’m not sharing it, even though you also work hard and are spending more time working to raise our child”. It’s bonkers and doesn’t seem at all loving to me. I think people wind up in these situations by sleepwalking into them as obviously when you first get together it doesn’t make sense to combine finances. But by your stage it definitely does. We did it the day we got married.

Having a baby usually hits women’s finances and especially if they go part time as they care for their child. A healthy relationship recognises this. Your earnings are reduced, your pension pot suffers and your future promotions compromised. A good partner recognises that you have taken this hit for your family and shares money accordingly. A shit one sees you as nothing more than the funds you bring and cost and sees the becoming a father as something that shouldn’t impact on him.
Quite frankly fuck that.
In the longer term imagine what rude surprises could be in store for you both - redundancies, sackings, health problems - this is the shit no one sees as it arrives but can transform finances over night. You have to have a team attitude to survive.
Longer term still you plan to be secure in case he turns out not only to be a shit with money but also turns out to be the kind of shit who leaves you. You need to know where money is and have equal access at all times.

I’m not usually a fan of joint acc but if one partner is being an asshole then yes it’s the way forward

I never understand these posts. It’s not you OP, but I really struggle to understand how married couples have these issues.

I don’t see the points in getting married to then say this is mine and that is yours. Why is it not equal? Why is it not joint income?

You’re a partnership. He chose to marry you, to share his life with you- but not his finances?

It just blows my mind.

I can understand none married couples more so having separate finances. On the basis that they’ve decided not to get married and not to follow the legalities of what marriage brings.

Why should you be worrying enough to post in here about how you’ll manage when he’s got ample in the pot

Some of these threads HAVE to be made up - surely?! There’s no way there are actually this many women in the world having children with this type of man. I struggle to believe that it is that easy to find such a twat, let alone that you would then marry him and have a baby with him?? Have I just been very, very lucky with the type of man I have encountered in my life?? I’m just blissfully ignorant that there are really that many assholes and just as many women with no self esteem who are willing to marry them and have their children? Honestly, I’m not trying to be a dick. I’m just not sure I believe these threads can all be real.

This is horrendous! I have discussed this type of situation with my husband before and he has always said that he doesn’t understand how, if a couple are long term and have kids together, you would do anything but pool your money.

When I went back to do a post grad degree my then boyfriend now DH offered to support us both financially so I could focus on my studies and not have to juggle working and everything else.

What the...?
I really do not understand why married couples act as if they are single financially, your husband has a really good deal and he knows it which is why he is trying to make you feel guilty for being able to work PT and stay at home with HIS/YOUR baby. There should be one pot of money which is used to pay for everything, in law if you divorced that’s how it would be dealt with, equally. Your husband would do well to remember that.

Why are so many women still having babies without ensuring all financial arrangements regarding your new family are discussed and agreed before your baby arrives. Actually the sensible thing to do is have these discussions before conception.

What you are saying is that your husband does not want to have any financial investment with your child. You say he is a lovely man and a good dad? Take your blinkers off, he is not lovely or good.

You will be contributing towards childcare by doing it yourself during the time you are not working. He needs to either do the same amount of childcare himself personally while you work or pay a professional to do his share.

So basically, as far as he's concerned, the baby is 100% your responsibility in terms of managing childcare, costs etc? And he sees you as "lucky" that you get to spend time with the baby but isn't interested in doing the same? So clearly he doesn't see it as lucky at all.

Please OP, you need to address this right now because otherwise it's just going to get worse. Not only will you be working part time, earning less with much less disposable income but your career is going to suffer because I assure you that he won't be doing the emergency childcare when the baby is sick or rushing out of a meeting that has run over because he has to do the nursery pick up. It's all going to be on you and you're the one who will suffer - emotionally, mentally, financially and in terms of career progression.

Agreed, NOT a lovely man. A selfish, financially abusive man who sees the child as something you wanted, therefore you pay for.

Is it his child?! The only possible reason for his keeping ‘his’ money for himself, is if you’re not married and it’s your child.

There's a way to make him pay 50%

FFS. Enough with the blaming!!!

People DO sleepwalk into this - and regardless of how it should be, there is still a huge misogynistic culture of thinking that the little missus is at home with the baby, playing and napping and meeting up with mates in Starbucks whilst the mister is busting his arse. We are programmed to pretend it’s all fluffy toys and cuddles instead of it being utterly relentless grinding toil.

I’m leaving a financially abusive marriage - it crept up on me somehow - I was too busy thinking about the kids etc to see my husband for what he is. Even now I struggle - the cognitive dissonance is agony - how can someone who plainly adores their children as my husband does, have such a twisted view of what’s appropriate financial behaviour? I am still baffled.

It’s will add to my last post though that I had to really point it out to my DP that we were going to have an issue when our first was born as I wasn’t going to return to work (due to poor pay and lack of career progression) and as such I couldn’t just pay for everything out of my savings as I wouldn’t be able to top them up.

He hadn’t giving it any thought whatsoever and immediately put me as a joint name on two of his credit cards. So that’s how we do it. It’s not obligatory to have a joint account but the conversation you have with him about this and how you move forward is going to be very telling indeed.

Wow thanks for all the replies - I'm bringing it up this evening and things are definitely going to change!!

I just don't get this at all, we are not married, and have no children, everything goes into a shared joint account. We are a unit, these post make me so angry. He is being financially abusive. I didn't even know that this was a thing until mumsnet.

And I'm going to add up what I've spent on baby so far from my bank statements and show him - I think he either doesn't realise or is pretending not to! I've got the fire in my belly now 😂

I’d just tell him firmly, this evening, and see how he reacts. That will tell you whether you’ve found yourself with a controlling abusive bastard or not. Please don’t hang around if it turns out he is.

Honestly, I would be quite suspicious of this behaviour. It just isn't the normal behaviour of a lovely man as you describe him. He seems to be gathering lots of money for himself - maybe for later life?

All our money is shared. We just pay the bills, all savings are joint. Both have access to the credit card which is paid off monthly.

You are married. It makes no sense for one person to live a worse quality of life than their spouse. It’s cruel in fact.

Also baby groups are not for you, they are for the baby. You need money for meals out with friends, hair, your hobby, whatever it is you damn well want to spend it on.

And no, if he's not willing to change the setup then I would have to take a long hard look at things.

Why are so many women still having babies without ensuring all financial arrangements regarding your new family are discussed and agreed before your baby arrives. Actually the sensible thing to do is have these discussions before conception.
This. With bells on.

Also another one reiterating he is neither a lovely man or a good father.

Good luck OP!

If he is just an ignorant man then maybe this can change. If he is aware, and you get an inkling or him being aware, then he is financially abusive and/or a tight fucker willing to put himself before his wife and child. This makes him an abysmal man. NOT lovely at all.

Basically if he doesn't contribute, he's a sperm donor, not a father.