To expect husband to pay towards childcare

[heartshapedcloud]

Sorry this is long... will preface it by saying my DH is a lovely man, a very hands on dad but can at times be a bit tight.

Baby is only a few months old and this won't come in to play till beginning of next year but already feeling a bit off about it and just need to check if IBU before I bring it up...
I'll be taking a years maternity and going back half time when baby turns 11 months.

Husband is a much higher earner than me, salary just under 50k when mine is around 25 and will approximately halve once part time.

We both contribute to bills and mortgage, him 800 a month me 500 and I pay for most of the food shopping as I do it, unless I ask him when he will pay but never offers. He has a lot more than I do in savings, I don't have much since we had the baby.

I've already said I won't be able to pay for all the food on mat leave and will need to put a bit less towards bills, however I have bought pretty much everything so far for the baby other than gifts - hundreds of pounds on clothes,nappies wipes bottles etc and he makes me feel awkward asking and brings up how he pays for petrol and other stuff for the house. But he brings home thousands more than me each month.

What I'm worried about is that he seems to expect me to pay for childcare when I go back to work which will almost cancel out my earnings.

He's made loads of reference to how lucky I am having mat leave and going PT while baby is small but I did suggest him asking for part time hours too and he said no.

So he sort of acts like because I get time with the baby I don't need disposable income? I don't need a lot but am worried about having money just a bit for myself, my phone contract and occasional haircuts, baby groups etc

I really don't think I am, but before I gear up to potentially fall out with him AIBU for wanting some disposable income even though I get to stay off work with the baby?

@ hellsbellsmelons of course I have spoken to her as has her mother ( friend of mine) but fur various reasons she won’t leave !

It’s all very well saying “all this should be sorted out when TTC” but sometimes life throws curve balls. The problems come when one party can’t/won’t change their position.

If I had asked my husband “can you ever see a point where you charge me a fiver to use your car?” he would have laughed. And yet fast forward when life looks different and that’s the sort of bell-end behaviour he’s in the habit of.

As for the cries of “leave the bastard” it’s harder than you think because in all other ways they may appear normal and you find yourself second guessing what’s really going on - and saying to yourself “I can’t actually have married such a weapons grade arse, surely?”

And then it settles down and you think “I’ll just get through, it’s not THAT bad, he doesn’t cheat or beat me, we are all fed” etc.

Good luck with the chat op! You m definitely need to change this setup and I hope he responds well

The lack of financial education in this country has a lot to answer for. I often think there should be a compulsory course on it before anyone is allowed to get married.

@Suewiththeredford

It’s all very well saying “all this should be sorted out when TTC” but sometimes life throws curve balls. The problems come when one party can’t/won’t change their position.

If I had asked my husband “can you ever see a point where you charge me a fiver to use your car?” he would have laughed. And yet fast forward when life looks different and that’s the sort of bell-end behaviour he’s in the habit of.

As for the cries of “leave the bastard” it’s harder than you think because in all other ways they may appear normal and you find yourself second guessing what’s really going on - and saying to yourself “I can’t actually have married such a weapons grade arse, surely?”

And then it settles down and you think “I’ll just get through, it’s not THAT bad, he doesn’t cheat or beat me, we are all fed” etc.

This is all unfortunately too true

That is financial abuse!!! Why is it your income???? That's nuts!

You need a joint account and to use that for all joint / household spend. You can discuss the contributions of each of you into it - I earn more than my partner so for certain costs like childcare and household bills we have agreed I pay more, in proportion to my income. I said no to that approach for other things tho (like food and going out expenses) as he eats a lot and can have expensive tastes whereas I am more frugal!

Well done op. This needs sorting now.

When we had my dd we had separate accounts but partner made sure we never went without. We now have a joint account. He seems very selfish to me.

OP Is your house in joint names?

I can't understand why you describe this man as 'lovely'. He sounds highly selfish and potentially financially abusive.

@AlexandraLeaving Love the spreadsheet!

So you have a family income of 75k, so the childcare comes out of the joint money you have. A bit pointless having separate finances if married as it's all shared money.
How can you be with someone like this, even as a sahm our finances were shared.

It keeps freezing so I can’t read it all but just wanted to add when you’re sorting it all, make sure you get yourself life insurance and allow for a pension for you.

@heartshapedcloud

Yes true as a pp said, we haven't changed our set up since we first moved in together years ago as boyfriend and girlfriend and I think he's just got used to it, probably loves it as it works so well for him but tough tit is my feeling now!

I'm really hoping he's just a bit ignorant about it and agrees easily but I'm ready to stand my ground. I've got the calculator out on my phone and started working some bits out.

I'm going to say that we need to put a proportionate chunk each into the joint account to leave us with similar disposable each month.

And all the household, food and baby stuff can come out of the joint acc.

The more I consider it the more I'm confused to how I ended up in this situation and a bit cross at myself.

You are amazing OP! Hope you get it sorted 😊

He is being an arse! Borderline financially abusive!

Your finances as far as the law is concerned are joint - you're married!

Personally I think you should have a joint account which pays for bills and joint outgoings (that INCLUDES costs for the JOINT) baby and each have a personal account where you both have an equal amount per month for personal expenditure - the rest being pooled into the joint account, possibly also a joint savings account - for household emergencies, potential job loss, illness etc though ideally both should have life assurance and critical illness cover too.

What is your actual monthly household expenditure including EVERYTHING? Bills, groceries, transport, anything baby needs (which includes things like breast pads etc) and also "occasional" expenses like Christmas, birthdays, holidays?

Bet it's more than £1300!

He should be covering 2/3 and you 1/3 if based on regular salary - if you're on less at the moment adjust accordingly so you're each contributing proportionately.

I had just the one joint account with my ex which worked well while we were married as we just pooled all funds and had an agreed monthly budget inc personal spends which both of us were mindful of.

However, when we split he emptied that account and left me up shit creek! So I'd never have JUST a joint account.

If you're receiving any benefits for the baby I'd have that go into your account too - just in case - because dwp etc are nightmares to deal with to change things!

Childcare costs are most definitely BOTH of your responsibility - his child too! If child wasn't in childcare and you were working he'd either have to have time off work to care for child or pay for childcare - it's called BEING A PARENT!

Ffs

WHY do women keep sleepwalking into these situations? Finances should have been discussed and arranged properly before marriage let alone before baby.

things are definitely going to change!! good!

I've got the fire in my belly now

Excellent! Do a list now and add it up - bet you'll be shocked how much you've spent!

Very much looking forward to the update, hope he's simply blind to the issue rather than deliberately mean!

I think it’s quite easy to sleepwalk into this and you are doing the right thing. There are many ways of doing things (we are joint directors of our own business and we don’t have a huge income - we each pay what we’ve worked out we can afford into the joint account each month to cover all direct debits. He buys food, I pay for top up nursery funding and buy what the twins need and we save what we can. If either of us runs out of money, we just tell the other we need more. No drama.)

You are taking a hit on your wage to take care of your child, he can’t get to have the child, the wife, the job and have nothing change while you take the hit on everything. It does not bode well that he thinks he can!

Given you’ve said your DH is generally a good person, I wouldn’t jump to such sinister conclusions as some PPs.

Your DH might be genuinely thinking that you’re getting a much sweeter deal than him in life.

If he does think this, you can see how he would be feeling both resentful, and anxious about the financial responsibility.

Who will be getting the better day-to-day lifestyle out of this new arrangement?

It totally depends on how easy or difficult your child is, and how hard/stressful/boring/fulfilling both of your work environments are.

It could sway massively one way or the other, and could end up very unfair, either way around.

Perhaps he feels he’s getting the bad end of the deal, and rather than properly discussing it, he is taking it out by these little jibs and jabs when you talk about money.

I think you need to openly discuss the perceived imbalance, and see each others’ points of view, and then commit to trying to balance your quality-of-life going forwards.

Emphasise the negatives that may be hitting you that he might not have thought of - e.g. no career progression or fulfilment at work, boredom at home, lack of sleep, stigma of being a part-timer in the office and having to take time off for sickness etc.

Also discuss his worries such as feeling trapped in his job- if he wanted to quit and do something less well paid, you could reassure him that you would be willing to pick up more hours.

Sounds like the lack of a joint account has not been an issue until now, so maybe you just need to prod him about that too.

I could be wrong, but just giving him the benefit of the doubt.

He's not lovely.

In fact, I'd say he's a massive arsehole.

Imagine, leaving your wife and child scrambling around for loose change while you have £££s left over every month for yourself. Because that's where you're headed.

If I’m reading it right, you are not going without anything at the moment so it’s a hypothetical that he won’t pay for childcare?

Maybe he just feels anxious about letting go of the purse strings, given he’ll be responsible for earning 80% of the gross income going forwards.

However, agree you should get a joint account sorted ASAP and stop the mentality of split finances, which it sounds like you’ve just carried over from pre-marriage days.

Good for you for wanting things to change

Some great advice on here and I think you have a lot of support. Please don’t feel foolish for sliding into this position. It’s extremely easy to do and very common. It doesn’t mean you’re silly or DH is a bastard. It just means you’ve done things one way and it’s no longer working and will change!

@AlexandraLeaving I love the spreadsheet idea!

AlexandraLeaving. An excellent spreadsheet for those unfortunate enough to live with tight-arsed twats like your DH!