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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect husband to pay towards childcare

222 replies

heartshapedcloud · 30/07/2020 10:01

Sorry this is long... will preface it by saying my DH is a lovely man, a very hands on dad but can at times be a bit tight.

Baby is only a few months old and this won't come in to play till beginning of next year but already feeling a bit off about it and just need to check if IBU before I bring it up...
I'll be taking a years maternity and going back half time when baby turns 11 months.

Husband is a much higher earner than me, salary just under 50k when mine is around 25 and will approximately halve once part time.

We both contribute to bills and mortgage, him 800 a month me 500 and I pay for most of the food shopping as I do it, unless I ask him when he will pay but never offers. He has a lot more than I do in savings, I don't have much since we had the baby.

I've already said I won't be able to pay for all the food on mat leave and will need to put a bit less towards bills, however I have bought pretty much everything so far for the baby other than gifts - hundreds of pounds on clothes,nappies wipes bottles etc and he makes me feel awkward asking and brings up how he pays for petrol and other stuff for the house. But he brings home thousands more than me each month.

What I'm worried about is that he seems to expect me to pay for childcare when I go back to work which will almost cancel out my earnings.

He's made loads of reference to how lucky I am having mat leave and going PT while baby is small but I did suggest him asking for part time hours too and he said no.

So he sort of acts like because I get time with the baby I don't need disposable income? I don't need a lot but am worried about having money just a bit for myself, my phone contract and occasional haircuts, baby groups etc

I really don't think I am, but before I gear up to potentially fall out with him AIBU for wanting some disposable income even though I get to stay off work with the baby?

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 31/07/2020 09:03

Good luck with your chat. Lots of men shoe their true colours when a baby is born. This isn't a good dad or husband. Hope he steps up. Also interested in his reasoning for not sharing the cost of childcare!

confused38473 · 31/07/2020 09:10

I earn £13k part time but my DH earns almost half what your DH earns and he contributes towards childcare. We both pay a set amount into the joint account for bills DH pays more than me (I pay £450 he pays £850 which includes our food bills). Childcare is £300 a month and we both pay £150 each equally. You DH must be left with £££! Whilst you will have next to nothing that is appalling OP.

Skyliner001 · 31/07/2020 11:25

Hope all is good OP

timetest · 31/07/2020 11:36

You’re a team and should pool your assets. Your DH might not realise it but he has acted in a selfish, financially abusive way. Stand your ground.

Original poster

heartshapedcloud · 31/07/2020 12:17

So the chat went a bit badly... he actually got really upset almost tearful and was saying he was hurt that I would assume the balance of money wouldn't change - even though there had been no mention of it so far so I don't think I was unreasonable having the discussion! I did feel like I had possibly been a bit overly suspicious and he genuinely thought everything was fine/ I hadn't asked for money so didn't need it.

I don't know whether he was possibly feeling guilty or what as I seriously wasn't accusatory at all, he seemed really upset I think he really just assumed it was all unspoken?

Anyway, I stayed calm and just kept repeating that we needed to have this conversation and i said how much I was prepared to pay towards bills and that he would need to cover all food shopping and baby necessities going forward. He agreed to this fine and I also said I need disposable income to pay for personal things and I'm not prepared to have to ask him for money for anything. Again he seemed hurt by this so I felt a bit bad but i wasn't saying anything hurtful. I just don't feel it's dignified.

I really pushed for him to look at going part time too but he kept saying it wasn't doable in terms of finance, I've said I'm willing to live on a budget for a while if it's something he would like to do. I've said I am very keen to have time with the baby so totally understand if he would like this too and am happy to sacrifice some of our luxuries to make it happen. Not sure if he is actually that keen or willing to sacrifice his pay progression etc. But I want to fully show him the option is there.

I've also said we are sitting down this evening to list all our incomings and outgoing and calculate exactly what we are spending and getting and what each person gets for personal things. Spreadsheet time!

So thank you for all the help and advice, I am very happy I brought it up now as I can see there would have been misunderstandings and probably resentment on both sides if I hadn't!

OP posts:

Onekidnoclue · 31/07/2020 12:32

I think that sounds fantastic. It was always going to be stressful and there were unclear expectations and feelings on both sides.
Well done OP! Hope the spreadsheet brings some clarity.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/07/2020 12:36

Well done OP! Sounds like will all be fine

LannieDuck · 31/07/2020 12:37

I suspect that he wanted to be able to say he was jealous of you ("oh isn't he such a good Dad"), whilst not actually needing to sacrifice his career or do any of the work of child-raising. And simultaneously stopping you being able to complain about how hard it is ("because he would have loved to have so much time with the baby"). Of course now you're encouraging the idea, he'll find all sorts of reasons why he can't do it. Maybe I'm being overly cynical.

Could he at least take 3 months parental leave and you go back after 9 months? That shouldn't be so much of a financial hit.

Skyliner001 · 31/07/2020 12:43

I don't think it went badly. Sounds like you did brilliant and he was reasonabl. Well done.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 31/07/2020 12:44

No. You put down my thoughts exactly. She’s taken away his shitty get out clause which I suspect he’ll hate.

Graphista · 31/07/2020 12:44

Hmmm

I think that sounds fairly manipulative on his part to be honest.

Very clever actually as it's not an obvious way of talking you out of moving things forward.

Hopefully I'm wrong.

Don't let him put you off, be very matter of fact and push on with your plans.

It's his choice ultimately if he goes part time as that kind of decision has to be a joint one, but certainly I would want to know in your position that he is fully on board that he needs to be taking time as much time off work when child is sick, on school holidays etc as you

And I'd also advise you to be vigilant in maintaining fair financial arrangements.

As I and others have said a decent man wouldn't have allowed this situation to have occurred in the first place, he knew full well what your salary was and his and knew he was benefiting from your current setup, yet did nothing to change this.

Be cautious he sounds a canny one.

HerNameWasEliza · 31/07/2020 12:47

It sounds tense but hopefully will lead to some needed changes. I wonder whether you guys could make things less complicated if you just properly joined your finances? When my OH and I both did this we gave ourselves the same amount of 'pocket money' each and everything else was in a joint pot. When things got tighter we both had to have less 'pocket money'. A couple of years ago we went to just sharing one joint account but we are better off now so there was no so much focus on needing to balance the books (and hence each of us feeling guilty if we ever bought anything for ourselves).

Graphista · 31/07/2020 12:48

I agree he's probably pissed off he now can't claim he couldn't be home more with baby, he'll be "on notice" now too so may well be thinking of ways to persuade you around to his way of thinking.

HerNameWasEliza · 31/07/2020 12:50

PS please don't be manipulated by this getting teary. Maybe you could have said something earlier but he is not an idiot so if he bothered to stop and think about it he would have been able to see for himself that there was an issue. If he feels bad it's because of his own actions and it's guilt which he should use to become a better person. You don't need to write him off but neither do you need to protect him from feelings associated with actions which he needs to take responsibility for.

billy1966 · 31/07/2020 12:53

A good start OP.

Beware of him being "wounded" as a manipulative move on his part.

He has been conveniently very mean with you .....unless he somehow imagines you can magic money from water, whilst on Maternity leave.🙄

I think a fine big spread sheet laying it out clearly with all savings noted is definitely the way to go.

You need money lodged into your personal account to cover your huge over spend over the past months.

View him and his actions with a critical eye OP...if he tries to push back on things being fair and equitable, you have a major problem going forward.

Much better to call the problem out NOW, loudly and clearly and not let him think you are naive and he has gotten one over you.

I personally would take the tears with a pinch of salt.

You need to see decisive action immediately, anything else is financial abuse and you will have a miserable life ahead of you.

Oh....and bullet proof your contraception.
Move children with a tight man means greater poverty for you.

Wishing you well, please update us again.

dontdisturbmenow · 31/07/2020 12:53

I really pushed for him to look at going part time too but he kept saying it wasn't doable in terms of finance, I've said I'm willing to live on a budget for a while if it's something he would like to do
Is this really feasible? Are you going to go down to 3 days? In which case, you'll be £10k down. If he does the same, he'll be £20k down. That's £30k down gross a year.

That's close to £2k a month, which ultimately is likely to be close to double what it would cost for the child to go to nursery ft.

chubbyhotchoc · 31/07/2020 12:54

Ignore the tears and plough on! Don't get distracted from the matter in hand

MaskingForIt · 31/07/2020 13:03

@dontdisturbmenow

I really pushed for him to look at going part time too but he kept saying it wasn't doable in terms of finance, I've said I'm willing to live on a budget for a while if it's something he would like to do Is this really feasible? Are you going to go down to 3 days? In which case, you'll be £10k down. If he does the same, he'll be £20k down. That's £30k down gross a year.

That's close to £2k a month, which ultimately is likely to be close to double what it would cost for the child to go to nursery ft.

But why would the child be in FT nursery if they are working 3 days a week each? Surely they’d only need one day of nursery?

Daftapath · 31/07/2020 13:07

I absolutely agree that his tears were manipulative. The non manipulative reaction would have been horror and him being sorry for you being in this position and a promise to ensure that the situation is changed immediately.

The only response/action that would be acceptable now would be for him to recompense you for all your spending and for full disclosure of his current and savings accounts and any other assets as they stand.
Then he should ensure that you have access to all savings and a free rein with them (obviously with discussion about big spends).
If he is reluctant to allow you access to his savings, he should ensure that you have the same amount of savings that you can access.

You should both have access to the same amount of disposable income each month to spend on things that would not be considered to be a family expense.

Stick to your guns OP and ignore the tears and any other manipulative behaviour

LannieDuck · 31/07/2020 13:12

@dontdisturbmenow

I really pushed for him to look at going part time too but he kept saying it wasn't doable in terms of finance, I've said I'm willing to live on a budget for a while if it's something he would like to do Is this really feasible? Are you going to go down to 3 days? In which case, you'll be £10k down. If he does the same, he'll be £20k down. That's £30k down gross a year.

That's close to £2k a month, which ultimately is likely to be close to double what it would cost for the child to go to nursery ft.

Or he could drop to 4 days, and the OP could drop to 4 days (instead of 3 days). So you'd add back in 1 day/wk of her salary and subtract the nursery costs. Yes, it would be slightly more expensive - the OP's budget conversation will be able to determine whether they can afford it.

...not that he's actually interested in doing it. He just wants to say he it.

Incidentally, my DH and I both dropped to 4 days/wk while the kids were young and it worked really well. OP - definitely worth considering. We both learnt how to look after the kids by ourselves and understood the demands of childcare vs working. And we both kept our careers mostly intact.

dontdisturbmenow · 31/07/2020 13:13

But why would the child be in FT nursery if they are working 3 days a week each?
The point was that OP was saying that the cost of childcare will mean she has nothing left from her salary.

Indeed, if they both work 3 days (although OP talks about halfing her income, so maybe more), they will collectively lose much more in income than what they gain by only paying one day.

I suspect the reality is that they couldn't afford for her OH to cut down his hours like OP has decided to do so this suggestion is pointless. The fact she would me ruin it though implies that he isn't truly supportive of her decision to go PT.

BlingLoving · 31/07/2020 13:13

It's good that you've started this discussion. Because in your original post, it was clear that he seemed to think you would be paying for childcare. So it's hard to understand why he's so surprised now that you were questioning what kind of disposable income you would have. At best, he's been thoughtless and inconsiderate. And if that's the case, you need to continue to calmly and firmly remain on this path. If he feels bad, then he can fix it. But you paying for childcare was never anything near like a fair split and you both know it.

LannieDuck · 31/07/2020 13:13

...oh, and there was no disparity in the housework because we were both on equal footing re number of working days.

SunshineCake · 31/07/2020 13:13

If he is genuine then he'll sort everything this weekend, or not mind if you change all to joint account today while baby sleeps..

LaurieFairyCake · 31/07/2020 13:42

Will be interested to see if he agrees to the spreadsheet

Well done OP for starting to address this

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