To expect husband to pay towards childcare

[heartshapedcloud]

Sorry this is long... will preface it by saying my DH is a lovely man, a very hands on dad but can at times be a bit tight.

Baby is only a few months old and this won't come in to play till beginning of next year but already feeling a bit off about it and just need to check if IBU before I bring it up...
I'll be taking a years maternity and going back half time when baby turns 11 months.

Husband is a much higher earner than me, salary just under 50k when mine is around 25 and will approximately halve once part time.

We both contribute to bills and mortgage, him 800 a month me 500 and I pay for most of the food shopping as I do it, unless I ask him when he will pay but never offers. He has a lot more than I do in savings, I don't have much since we had the baby.

I've already said I won't be able to pay for all the food on mat leave and will need to put a bit less towards bills, however I have bought pretty much everything so far for the baby other than gifts - hundreds of pounds on clothes,nappies wipes bottles etc and he makes me feel awkward asking and brings up how he pays for petrol and other stuff for the house. But he brings home thousands more than me each month.

What I'm worried about is that he seems to expect me to pay for childcare when I go back to work which will almost cancel out my earnings.

He's made loads of reference to how lucky I am having mat leave and going PT while baby is small but I did suggest him asking for part time hours too and he said no.

So he sort of acts like because I get time with the baby I don't need disposable income? I don't need a lot but am worried about having money just a bit for myself, my phone contract and occasional haircuts, baby groups etc

I really don't think I am, but before I gear up to potentially fall out with him AIBU for wanting some disposable income even though I get to stay off work with the baby?

OP I definitely think you should be taking a long hard look at things. It's really hard to know what the normal ways without actually speaking to people about it. The way that things are being done in your relationship is genuinely very strange. It's not acceptable, and it doesn't matter whether he's earning more or less than you. There needs to be some kind of joint account where everything goes. You could both keep back a small amount of money for yourself. But if you're genuinely committed to the relationship and to your family life they are separate finances need to stop.

Hope you get it sorted, really stressful for you what with the new baby coming and everything 😊

This is absolutely bonkers. You, and especially him, need to start thinking and acting as a family unit, not as separate individuals.

It's fine to have some separate finances, but you absolutely need a pooled section which covers family expenses, that is: house, bills, food, childcare, all the child's other expenses, holidays and so on. And that pooled section needs to come more from him than from you. While you are on mat leave, it will need to come wholly or mainly from him. When you are working part time, it needs to come wholly or mainly from him.

If he isn't willing to do that, then make it clear that you will start billing him for all the hours of childcare that enable him to go freely out to work.

OP it's not enough that he just pays half, he earns three times your salary - your either a partnership or not.

With a partner on 50K, money should not be a concern while your on maternity but his way of thinking is that you should be living on less than minimum wage (smp) and be thankful for it!! He's basically a live in sperm donor.

The amount of threads about this I feel like mumsnet needs to a public service announcement aimed at married men about what the minimum is expected of them when they have kids financially.

@bridgetreilly

This is absolutely bonkers. You, and especially him, need to start thinking and acting as a family unit, not as separate individuals.

It's fine to have some separate finances, but you absolutely need a pooled section which covers family expenses, that is: house, bills, food, childcare, all the child's other expenses, holidays and so on. And that pooled section needs to come more from him than from you. While you are on mat leave, it will need to come wholly or mainly from him. When you are working part time, it needs to come wholly or mainly from him.

If he isn't willing to do that, then make it clear that you will start billing him for all the hours of childcare that enable him to go freely out to work.

Definitely agree with this last bit!! I think it's easy to fall into a relationship where are you stay more like a couple of boyfriend and girlfriend, or girlfriend and girlfriend or boyfriend and boyfriend or whatever! You do have to make an effort to make that step into a proper unit. All being well he just won't have real life that's what he needs to do and it will be a simple process. Don't allow him to tell you you're being controlling either.

Start by asking him if the bills will be sorted inline with incomes.
You were 1:2
Now your 1:4
When he agrees.
Then tell him fine the bills will be this much.
Include every baby bill.
Give him a baby budget as well.
Tell him you want him to realise if he wants more children he has to pay towards all bills.
Tell him he either agrees or you can argue every month.
Also since you will be doing nighttime duties with baby, then he should do more daytime.
Include a hobby time for both of you.
If you look after baby while he does his hobby, he should realise he can parent when you do your hobby.

@LouHotel

OP it's not enough that he just pays half, he earns three times your salary - your either a partnership or not.

With a partner on 50K, money should not be a concern while your on maternity but his way of thinking is that you should be living on less than minimum wage (smp) and be thankful for it!! He's basically a live in sperm donor.

The amount of threads about this I feel like mumsnet needs to a public service announcement aimed at married men about what the minimum is expected of them when they have kids financially.

Definitely this! Like I said in a previous post I didn't even know that situations like this existed until mums net.

Talk to him about this. If he's still not playing ball once he knows the facts then at least put the childcare payments in his name. That way he has to pay the bill.

I hope things get easier for you.

You need to get this sorted ASAP. If anything happens, he's financially secure, has savings, a decent pension, can buy you out of the house whilst you're left with a £12.5k salary and a baby. He may be 'lovely' now but men can change very very quickly. Always be prepared for the worst case scenario.

Be prepared to see a side of this man you havent before. This situation did not come about by accident he has engineered it to leave you in weaker more vulnerable position than him. These actions indicate he is not the lovely man you think he is.

Judge people by their actions, not their empty words. Dont be bullied into accepting less than a full and fair partnership - that's what marriage and having babies together is all about.

All money and expenses shared, equal spending money, and dont be one of those women who doesnt know anything about the finances thats a dangerous situation. Take an interest in it, discuss savings and plans for the future. Anything less and you're better off without him with a Court reminding him of his responsibilities.

Many many women have walked this path, gone part time, had their careers stall, been left with all the household drudge work and then reminded daily of how little their contribution is valued. And then eventually when it ends, because it will if its not a fair partnership, they are left in dire financial situations. Dont let someone do that to you.

I agree with the other posters who say he's not a lovely man, he's a tight fisted twat.

My husband has a much bigger income than me. He pays for absolutely everything. All the bills, all the food, all the online orders, all the childcare costs. Everything. The money I get I use only when I'm doing stuff when he's not around, and even then he asks me if I need him to get some cash for me. He'd be so ashamed of himself if he was sitting pretty on his own personal hoard while his wife struggled to make ends meet.

Yes true as a pp said, we haven't changed our set up since we first moved in together years ago as boyfriend and girlfriend and I think he's just got used to it, probably loves it as it works so well for him but tough tit is my feeling now!

I'm really hoping he's just a bit ignorant about it and agrees easily but I'm ready to stand my ground. I've got the calculator out on my phone and started working some bits out.

I'm going to say that we need to put a proportionate chunk each into the joint account to leave us with similar disposable each month.

And all the household, food and baby stuff can come out of the joint acc.

The more I consider it the more I'm confused to how I ended up in this situation and a bit cross at myself.

This is crazy. He is essentially willing for you to scrimp by, watching every penny whilst his life and income doesn't change in the slightest! You are married, and about to have a child- you should be a team.

I earn around 10k a year (reduced my hours to one day per week after having DD). DH earns around 65k. It all goes into one account and it is all family money. There are never any arguments or disputes, it is all shared. If one of us wants to make a big purchase for ourselves (say over £50) we just check with the other person put of courtesy more than anything.

The reason I earn so much less is because I am looking after our child, who we are both responsible for.

Why on earth have you been buying the baby stuff with "your" money so far?

Isn't he excited about baby arriving and wanting to buy stuff / prepare as much as you are?

Doesn't he realise the baby is 50% his responsibility?

Do you really think a "lovely man" sees it as your sole responsibility to fund a child he chose to have?

You are a family. If he doesn't want to pool all finances into one pot then he needs to as a minimum divide the cost of childcare by two (you both made this baby) and not expect you to fund it out of your salary alone. Where is the logic in that?!

This is ridiculous and I can't believe it's so common. Lovely men are excited to be fathers and see their partner as an equal, a team mate. He is not a lovely man.

I really hope he steps up later when you have the chat OP.
Money is pooled.
You agree an amount to put into savings.
You agree an amount as spends for personal stuff.
The rest if for bills, childcare, food, mortgage, presents, trips, activities, clothes, etc.....
If he doesn't agree to that then you will be financially better off out of it with TC, benefits and child maintenance!

He may be a 'hands on dad' but he is not a great dad or he would not be treating the mother of his child like this regarding finances. What an arse!

Here we go again, another selfish arse controlling the family purse strings. I know you're laughing OP and saying you have "fire in your belly" but why didn't you sort this before you had the baby?

Bloody hell, you'd get a lot more if you divorced him and left!

Really, really unfair situation, you really need to sort it out, he's taking advantage of your good nature.

Having a family is a joint enterprise, he's treating you and the baby as if you're just roomies and nothing to do with him (financially at least).

DH has his foibles, but we've always shared everything from day one of moving in together, and like you he earns twice what I do (or does now at least).

We don't really have proper combined finances more out of laziness. However my DH has always paid the childcare bill & never questioned my desire to work even when the childminder cost more than my days earnings.

@heartshapedcloud dont put yourself down, you've recognised several months prior to returning to work with your first child.

Theres someone women here on their third child realising this isn't right and even then I think those women have been gaslit and taken advantage of when they are financially insecure.

This is financial abuse.

I work full time and earn a lot more than DH who works part time in a lower paid role and takes responsibility for childcare. He works just as hard as I do though! All our money goes into the same pot because we are a team.

I just cannot fathom the mindset of these men who think that they deserve fat bank balances and luxuries while their wives count pennies and pay for everything for the children. It blows my mind.

Or start charging him 50% of the rate of a nanny 24/7 as you'll be looking after his child.

You really need to combine finances and show him how unfair it currently is.

DP and I are not married and don’t have children but we have a joint account for all house expenses purely because it means everything is fair. We roughly earn the same but he works much longer hours than I do so everything like food shopping, paying the window cleaner, picking up dry cleaning etc naturally falls to me.
Every month we both put in £900 to the joint account and all bills are paid from there plus all food shopping and meals out which we have together. If we need more then we’ll both add an equal amount.

It’s really not fair that you’re paying for all the food shopping and having to ask him for the money, in our house that’s £100 a week!

Women keep ending up in this situation. Again and again and again...

Wow - what a lovely considerate husband you have, he's such a catch, so nice of him to provide for his family so diligently!

I would....
Tot up all the bills, divide it proportionately, £50k v £12.5k.

Get up one morning and go out for the entire day leaving him from dawn til dusk so he sees what's involved in looking after a baby all day - just so he understands that it's not all about how lucky you are to have mat leave etc.