To need some serious guidance on how to be a good and confident driver

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Hi all,
Late to driving.Passed in a auto last year . First time.
Bought a car pretty much straightaway. On finance , small ,but quite expensive. Had no savings so no option. Didn't want to get a cheapo old banger in case it broke down.

So it was all way harder than I anticipated. Took a while to get how this car works,as very different to one I learned in.
Everything and I mean everything, makes me anxious.
I have a sat nav and am generally great at map reading but every single journey, even short ones I have done before, I over think and plan.
Parking then stresses me even more. What if I can't find a space or get back out?
Nearly a year on from buying my car im really no further along.
I try and get in the car everyday as the fear is definitely worse after a few days. I still dread it.

I have been no where of any insignificance in this time.
If i can get the bus I will.
I use public transport to work(tbf,it's easier).
I had extra lessons a while ago in my car and the instructor car too. Not any help as I was fine with her next to me.
Not a real life situation.
When I know I haven't got to drive I feel relaxed. Went away for the weekend and it was lovely
Went in the car last night to the shops and felt ill. I could not wait to get back. All I can think of whilst im the supermarket is getting back in the car and getting back home.
This anxiety is crippling me.
I've just started CBT but only had 2 sessions so far. Therapist is asking me to get back to basics and start with short journies and build up. This isn't massively helpful as I've done several short journies to death and I still hate it.
The confident side of my personality has me driving all sorts of lovely places. Days out at the zoo with dc, meeting friends but this just is not happening

I'm beginning to think I need some kind of help from GP -sertraline or similar.
I have no one in real life to talk to as DH gets very irritated as he says he's given me advice and I don't follow it. So if I as much mention I'm anxious he rolls his eyes. I have a close sibling who is a bit hot headed and outspoken who just says "oh you need to just get out more, i love my car!"
I dont mention it at work as then people (with good intention) just ask how my driving is and where have I been
It just draws attention to the issue and then people overhear and join in!
Please be gentle and don't say I'm a danger on the road as I so often see this this on other threads.

Have you tried a running commentary as you drive, it can sometimes help with confidence and/or anxiety ?

You won't get gentle and decent advice on here. This is the forum where all the jolly hockeysticks wannabes can't wait to show someone a bit of "tough love", all under the proviso of "it's AIBU, if a poster didn't want to hear it she should have posted elsewhere, it's a robust forum".

I have sympathy with you OP because ten years ago I was that driver, terrified that I might kill someone every time I drove out of the close.

I would recommend that you see driving as a continuous learning - once you've passed, all you've done is become legal to drive.

You've done extra lessons, but I'm wondering if you could sign up to a dedicated course of "pass plus" style extra lessons where your instructor isn't just sitting with you for a bit and pointing out mistakes, but working on the psychology of why you're struggling, and give you that confidence. I did refresher lessons years ago and it got me into one of the cars of my dreams, I felt so confident after it.

But forgetting all that, I think you hit the nail on the head - this is a psychology issue as much as anything. I hope the CBT does help in the end, but perhaps there's something else from your life that makes you feel such levels of anxiety. Is there another psychological dimension you could explore here?

Have you tried switching off the sat nav screen and just use audio instructions? That helped me to stop getting overwhelmed.

Also despite all the "you're a danger to others" types who can't wait to tell you where you're going wrong...

..it's your road as much as anyone elses. You own a car, you have the right to drive it. If you need to slow down because you think you've seen a parking space, then you do that - ignore the idiot behind you in the jacked up vehicle with enormously bright daytime running lights. Their choice of car might indicate they've forgotton any sense of others, so just take it that they're a moron who won't be happy whatever you do, and just take your time.

Get refresher lessons

Thank you
Yes I do the running commentary type thing already!!
I honestly hate myself.
We are going on a UK holidays soon. My plan when I booked it was to star the driving with DH
That's laughable now.
I won't even be able to pop to the local supermarket while I'm there as his car is enormous. So hes got to do all the driving. It doesnt bother him as up to now, hes had to anyway bit it bothers me.
Today I need to go clothes shopping for an occasion. I could drive to one shopping centre which I have driven to before but it's Friday and will be choc a bloc
It will be easier and less stress for me to go to the city centre on the bus.

Start commuting to work by car, and using it for your routine trips. Bad for the environment I suppose, but nothing else is going to get you calmer, faster.

I went out at 6 am on a few Sunday’s for a good hour each time. Empty roads and carparks. I just drove around and around my local area until my head had the picture. And I learnt my car, it’s dimensions and what it felt and sounded like. All on nearly empty roads.

@GinDaddyRedux
Yes I know. Only posted here as bigger responses

Sounds like anxiety and anxiety is a vicious circle

I'd definitely try and give yourself a running commentary as you're driving, may give you something to focus on. Certainly when I've had panic attacks I have to concentrate on items like, name five things I can see, what was the last 3 meals I ate etc and say them out loud

So, "I'm putting the keys in the ignition and putting my belt on. I'm locking the car doors and checking my mirrors. Signal and drive to the end of the road. I am driving at 28 mph and at the end of the road I'm going to stop and turn left" etc etc

Would having additional lessons help? I'm sure I was offered additional training after I passed my test

Maybe try and see driving as a challenge rather than a chore? So, for example, the next time you have an hour free you're going to go and just park in different spaces in a car park. Practice that first. Just the parking. Reverse parking. Forward parking. Parallel (I hate parallel parking) . Break each task down and try and overcome one challenge at a time maybe?

Sorry I posted the commentary too late... ignore that bit. Read your reply...

I could’ve written your post! I’m exactly the same!

@TheSandgroper
Yes I've done that!!
For about 3 weeks in the trot I set my alarm
Its great but I cant always do this as I do work some weekends too so not always feasible.
I think I need to get back onto it.
It doesn't mimic real life though. Everyone in the roads is so bloody angry and in a hurry

Go out on familiar roads when it is very quiet. Just keep at it. I was very anxious about driving too and it took a few years of daily driving until I became more comfortable.

I think you might need to go on a road trip in the car for a few days if it's feasible. Book accommodation in a different place every night. Brutal but will work.

As an aside, I'm a v confident driver of 30ish years and I'm finding everyone particularly aggressive and horrid on the roads at the moment, so you needn't feel like you're being really sappy.

What are you worried about? Anything in particular?

I think - counterintuitively - instead of doing lots of short trips you need to do a couple of really long ones. I was super anxious about driving after I passed my test and then didn't drive for a couple of years. In the end I had to do a 6 hour journey somewhere and after the first hour or so I was totally fine. I think if you're just driving for ten minutes or something you don't really give yourself enough time to appreciate the fact that you're driving and you can do it and then you can calm down a bit.

Even now, if I don't drive for a while I can feel myself start to get a bit flustered again. But if I'm driving regularly I do enjoy it!

I would say practice is key. I was quite a nervous driver after I passed my test in my late 20s, but about 6 months later it was summer and I had 3 hen dos and 3 weddings to go to. They were all in quite obscure rural locations which meant driving hundreds of miles cross country throughout the summer. It was horribly stressful but I felt so much better after! Much more confident. So take every opportunity to drive, don’t slip into the comfort of avoiding it as it’ll get worse when you do have to drive. You need to push through.

I found looking at my routes (including on street view) in advance also helped as it meant I knew what to expect.

I remember how aggressive other drivers seemed once I was driving without an L-plate - it was something of a shock. Your learning really does start when you pass your test. After 40 years behind the wheel I still dread parking, though now I'm confident enough to give up and ask OH to do (v. lucky with my OH in this regard).

Modern life is organised increasingly on the principle that everyone has a car and can drive it; by grasping the nettle and learning to drive you have unlocked advantage for yourself and your family. Try and keep these positives in mind.

Good luck.

Google for local groups of the Institute of Advanced Motorists. Most areas have a group where volunteers (observers) who go out with you to help you improve your driving up to advanced test standard. You just pay for membership of the group, the test fee itself and the "Roadcraft" book they use. Despite what people may think, it's not about "fast" boy racer driving - quite the opposite - more about confidence, planning ahead, observation, etc. I passed mine through a local group and then spent a few years doing observed drives to help others pass their test. Lots of women do it, and there's usually a wide age range. You'd usually go out every fortnight or so for about 10 times.

You own a car, you have the right to drive it. If you need to slow down because you think you've seen a parking space, then you do that

As long as you don't suddenly brake sharply and forget to indicate.

Badbadbunny has beaten me to it with good advice about support from the Institute of Advanced Motorists. They will offer you support and tips about driving.

I am you. I passed in an auto at 41. I am still really unconfident parking and on unfamiliar roads. I have forced myself to do the motorway a few times but didn't sleep the night before though felt very proud after.

What works for me is my music. I always have music on Spotify that I like which helps me to relax. I drive alone most of the time as I feel less under pressure. And dp said that no car will be actively trying to hit me - quite the opposite. Which is reassuring.

I passed on my 10th test as I was just so nervous! When I started driving independently I absolutely hated it so much. However, with enough practise it literally just clicked one day! I made myself drive everywhere. I have been driving for over 2 years now and I just dont feel scared at all. I know everyone is different but you may just need more time!

@Badbadbunny

You own a car, you have the right to drive it. If you need to slow down because you think you've seen a parking space, then you do that

As long as you don't suddenly brake sharply and forget to indicate.

well yeah..of course.