To need some serious guidance on how to be a good and confident driver

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Hi all,
Late to driving.Passed in a auto last year . First time.
Bought a car pretty much straightaway. On finance , small ,but quite expensive. Had no savings so no option. Didn't want to get a cheapo old banger in case it broke down.

So it was all way harder than I anticipated. Took a while to get how this car works,as very different to one I learned in.
Everything and I mean everything, makes me anxious.
I have a sat nav and am generally great at map reading but every single journey, even short ones I have done before, I over think and plan.
Parking then stresses me even more. What if I can't find a space or get back out?
Nearly a year on from buying my car im really no further along.
I try and get in the car everyday as the fear is definitely worse after a few days. I still dread it.

I have been no where of any insignificance in this time.
If i can get the bus I will.
I use public transport to work(tbf,it's easier).
I had extra lessons a while ago in my car and the instructor car too. Not any help as I was fine with her next to me.
Not a real life situation.
When I know I haven't got to drive I feel relaxed. Went away for the weekend and it was lovely
Went in the car last night to the shops and felt ill. I could not wait to get back. All I can think of whilst im the supermarket is getting back in the car and getting back home.
This anxiety is crippling me.
I've just started CBT but only had 2 sessions so far. Therapist is asking me to get back to basics and start with short journies and build up. This isn't massively helpful as I've done several short journies to death and I still hate it.
The confident side of my personality has me driving all sorts of lovely places. Days out at the zoo with dc, meeting friends but this just is not happening

I'm beginning to think I need some kind of help from GP -sertraline or similar.
I have no one in real life to talk to as DH gets very irritated as he says he's given me advice and I don't follow it. So if I as much mention I'm anxious he rolls his eyes. I have a close sibling who is a bit hot headed and outspoken who just says "oh you need to just get out more, i love my car!"
I dont mention it at work as then people (with good intention) just ask how my driving is and where have I been
It just draws attention to the issue and then people overhear and join in!
Please be gentle and don't say I'm a danger on the road as I so often see this this on other threads.

Well done yellow!
I did drive more when lockdown was at its worst as I literally had no choice and the buses were infrequent etc
Quite quickly the traffic starting building back up where I live though, before I managed to get totally confident.

What kind of things do you do different with each drive, as an example?

Well done though for doing it! People complain about traffic but I don't mind it as I don't feel 'rushed' and can move at a steady pace :)

In terms of different things, I had two set routes I was happy to do; go to my Mum's and go to my Grandma's. Both of which are mainly busy roads as I was worried if I went down a residential street and a car was coming, I'd panic and wouldn't know what to do if there was no space.

One night, I was coming home from my Mums and instead of going straight on at a set of a traffic lights like I'd usually do, I suddenly decided to turn left and cut through a huge residential area! I was absolutely petrified but when cars came in the opposite direction, I found a safe space to move over and done! Since then, I don't have a problem with residential areas and like to try different ones to almost challenge myself.

Another example is bikes: I would rather have waited 5 minutes behind a bike as I was so worried if I went around them, I'd accidentally knock them off! One day, I just did and the more I practised, the more confident I became :)

Bus lanes were another thing too. I'd often go the long way around to avoid accidentally going in one but I've been practising and I've got over that now 😊

Finally, I always like to let people out of side streets when safe to do so as I feel like if I do a good deed for the day, I feel much better about driving! My husband thinks I'm crazy 😂😂

I empathise with so many of the posts here! I passed my test in my thirties (after 6 failed attempts at age 18!) and I think this made me think that I must be a rubbish driver, as taking 7 attempts to pass is pretty extreme. I now definitely have imposter syndrome when driving, and worry I’m going to be somehow found out by all the ‘proper‘ drivers.

8 years since passing my test I still have a lot of anxiety - when alone I only drive routes I know well, only go where I know there’s lots of parking etc. It’s frustrating as I kind of assumed that the anxiety would naturally go over time. But it’s probably stayed at about the same level.

I’m also frustrated at the amount of time and headspace I waste on anxiety about driving. For example last week I had an outpatient appointment at a hospital 5 miles drive away. Leading up to the day of the appt I tried to convince myself to drive instead of taking the bus. The idea of the drive was okay but I know parking at the hospital can sometimes be a nightmare and in the end I didn’t drive in case I couldn’t park (and by that I mean ideally find two free spaces next to each other!!). The annoying thing was after getting the bus I noticed there were loads of free spaces in the car park and so I could have driven and parked easily. So I didn’t drive AND still spent a lot of time worrying about it!

I think I’m going to try and take the advice above about forcing myself to do a long-ish drive, and look into the IAM courses people have mentioned. Easier said then done though...

I’ve found this thread really reassuring - in ‘real life’ everyone I know seems to drive anywhere and everywhere without giving it a second thought.

Are some routes you drive nicer than others OP?

My late DM learned to drive in the 1960s and always said she hated it until the day she was driving along with the sun shining and realised how beautiful everywhere was. Whenever there was the option of going "the pretty way" she always took it.

I also wonder if driving benefits you personally ? Not driving to work but going somewhere you want to go for you.

My final thought is to have a go driving your DP's bigger car, perhaps at a time & place when it's quiet, so that you get used to handling a larger vehicle without needing to worry about traffic. My DF got me to drive his transit van around an industrial estate once I had passed my test. My little Peugeot was a lot easier to drive after that.

@Clytemnestra2
Omg you are me!!
This is me, with so much headspace as you say being used on driving.
I'm either thinking about driving so much if the day that it's a joke.
I too, promise myself I'm driving say to an appointment. Only to talk myself out of it for some reason or another. Mainly parking

Then I get there and there are loads of spaces. Most places have spaces anyway, but ones that I'm happy to park in! then I hate myself for not driving.
I also hate the way I've made myself a bit of a laughing stock with ppl.
I regret telling anyone that i was anxious about driving. As now it's a constant topic of discussion.
I'd hoped people would be sympathetic and offer advice. Which they did at first. Now I'm seen as a joke. Not in a nasty way but a laugh along way.
For instance,only the other day someone at work asked me if I'd driven in.
I said no
Someone piped up "Oh Carmen is too scared to go to asda, let alone work ".
Cue someone else overheard and comments too.
Something like "don't you use your car?"
I play it down by joking course I do, you nutcases!
I dont mind driving, i just don't love it etc

I wish when I'd passed My test I'd have just said yeah it's fine and.left it at that.
Anyone got any tips.for dealing with these conversations that i just don't want or need?!!!
It's true, everyone else just seem to jump in the car with no thought. Unless they are hiding it well.

down the cleghole
No routes really nicer where I live. It's all horrible i could and would drive to nicer places and take DC etc But it's all too nerve wracking.
Some drives I do are better but theres no pattern
I have driven to work say, and it's been ok. Other times, horrendous.
I'm.not insured on DH car as his insurance would increase to put me in
Mine is high enough as it is as a new driver.
No point in going on his to drive even less than mine.

I passed 14 months ago and I'm still very nervous about driving. Well I'm absolutely fine going to most places but anywhere new to me where I don't know the roads scares me and also motorways, I have never gone on the motorway on my own. I have been on with my parents and my brother as a passenger and was fine but won't do it on my own!

@YellowB33
I used to hate residential streets for the same reasons that you describe. Getting stuck.
I kind of avoided tjem and preferred bigger roads.as more space.
I dont mind .residential. streets now as ive realised that I do have enough space, but I take it slow. Its bigger roads that are.the worry now as more drivers who may be pissed off with me.for doing the wrong thing!!

Well I've had a disastrous drive this morning. I set my alarm for 6.30am and left the house at 7am. For what I thought was an easy little practice drive on quiet roads.
So I wanted to do a dummy run to a (closed)supermarket that i really wanted to go to as i prefer it to my local one.
I felt I needed to practice as although it isn't far away it's got a complicated entrance and exit(well complicated for me)

So set off and I don't know why but I felt a bit flustered to start with.
I had a car behind me even at that time(my street) and he overtook me. I realised that I was on driving 20 mph.
Then I went on dual carriageway to supermarket. There was a roadworks van blocking right lane. With arrow guiding traffic around(this would have meant driving onto the pavement slightly. This flummoxed me so i decided to turn left to a quiet street . Which turned out to be a dead end.
I then had to turn round. I had to reverse. Reversed wrong way initially as I was flustered. Eventually did it right. No one around.
Then I still had to go on dual carriageway past roadworks as I couldn't go any other way.
Got to supermarket .
However utvwas more confusing than I anticipated. One was to a retail park. One way to shop and one way to petrol station.
It all looks so easy as a passenger or pedestrian.
So I abandoned that idea as I was terrified I'd go wrong way!
I felt like all my driving was dodgy. I feel I'm getting worse not better.
I feel I need to go out again now just to have a good drive.

And to top it all off. I was planning to meet a couple of friends in the park this week with DC.

K was hoping it would be a familiar place but it seems they have decided to meet somewhere I have never been before!
I feel ill already. My dc are super excited.
No way am I telling the colleagues that I'm a nervous wreck and then drawing more attention to my driving and making me more anxious.
What on earth do I do?I don't want to go on a unfamiliar route and meet confident experienced drivers. And then there's the parking worry

Oh God. I feel shit today

Anyone got any encouraging words?

Can you google image the car park and see if you can plan in advance to park in an area that looks the least tricky? Obviously you won't know how busy it will be til you're there but it could help you plan a strategy?

Try to brush off colleagues' comments as much as you can - way easier said than done, I know! - and use this thread as your place to vent.

I'm sorry I've not got anything really useful to say right now, but i really really REALLY empathise with you!

Not sure if I have much encouraging words, but I completely empathise OP. My only advice works be to plan as much as possible for the drive to the park, can you attempt a dry run when it’s quiet? And if/when you do manage it (which I’m sure you will!) recognise your achievement, and reward yourself with whatever you consider a reward!

It’s so tough when driving just doesn’t come easily or naturally. For so many other things in life there seems to be an acceptance that not everyone will be naturally good at it - not everyone excels at learning languages, painting, swimming or whatever. But when it comes to driving there seems to be an unwritten rule that we should all find it pretty easy from a few months after passing your test.

The only way you get better is practice. And you have a right to be a mediocre driver.

I haven’t read everything on thread sorry but I feel for you big time. Extremely anxious ex driver here who finally plucked up the courage and passed in 2016. I was such a state most of that year, constantly on edge which ended in a mental health break down that winter. People keep saying to keep at it but truly, driving just isn’t for everyone. How many times have I been a passenger when an experienced driver bursts out “What’s this d*ckhead doing in front??! People like that don’t belong on a road!!!!!”. And I’ve held up my hands and said “Exactly! I am not a safe driver, I shouldn’t have got my license but I did”. Driving with an experienced instructor and dual controls is one thing, driving on your own in charge of this big piece of metal and two small kids in the backseat quite another. Driving just isn’t for me. My legs shake so much I can barely control the pedals, Dripping of sweat and nearly having a panic attack every time I come across a tricky situation. I have tried everything, medication, daily trips, special trips just to practise parking, extra lessons, therapy, you name it. So I’ve chosen to stop driving all together and I also, like you, wish I’d never even done it. Before it was a matter of getting comments like “You won’t believe the freedom it gives you!”, “Just try it and see how you get on”. Now it’s a “Seriously, just keep at it. I cannot believe you’ve just stopped”. WHY cannot people just leave each other alone?!? Do what’s best for YOU. If my nerves killed myself, my kids or anyone else people would go “Anxious driver, she was. She kept saying. Now look what happened”.

My advice is- if it’s not for you. Know when to stop.

@imjustcoddlingAnEgg
Thank you
I do Google car parks efore I go places or any kind of plan I can make in advance.
It's exhausting though.
I'm happy to forward plan and I'd do that regardless but this is something else. I just can't hop in the car.
Everywhere is just do just where I live too. It's frustrating. Never a truly quiet time. J think I honestly need to set my alarm for about 3am

@Clytemnestra2
Thanks also.
I did a dummy run to the supermarket and didnt quite make it in them as the entrance in confused me.
As for the park, yes I will try the same but as I said in the post above it's exhausting.
Where is this freedom that driving was meant to give me? I cant just gp anywhere at the drop if a hat like id hoped. Days like today with lovely weather I'd hoped to take dc to new places.
Last few days have been a disaster
Its like I'm going backwards. After my supermarket run on Sunday I got back in the car to try and have a positive end.

So I went to a local shop. U normally park in the street away from the shop which kind of defeats the object . As I got close there looked like there was a space near to the shop. It was Sunday morning and you would think road quiet but as i slowed down to look a car was behind me and beeper as I was presumably driving like an old lady and pissing him off.
Today I've had to pop out for a bit of an unavoidable errand.
Got to a busy junction took me ages to pull out and when I did i probably in all fairness should have held back a bit longer. So beeped again.
I seem to be either going too slow and annoying people or misjudging situations. I'm sure it's because I'm anxious.

Excuse typos Sun in eyes!!

This thread’s made me realise how lucky I was. I passed on my seventh test too.

I passed on the Tuesday after a May Bank Holiday and had to drive 100 miles on the M4, M25 and A1M the next Friday. I sat in the inside lane all the way and was dripping wet when I arrived at my destination. That journey basically taught me to drive.

@vallmo47
Yes I agree. You are right. And I keep thinking when do I give up?
People do(including many in here) say stick at it. It will click.
How long do I give it?
People in real life don't get it thanks why I don't discuss it

I really really want to like driving or at least not mind it.
I keep thinking maybe I haven't practiced enough as I had lo

ng gaps when I had the car where I didn't drive for weeks
Also I'm tied into car finance for another 2 years after this son is be paying for it regardless.
I look at people literally jumping in car quick manoeveres, pulling off smoothly. Everything I do screams learner with out the instructor next to me.
I looked at the IAM courses and it says in the web page not available in my area.
I think my other option maybe is pass plus.

Ahh typos!!!!

Reading this thread really takes me back, and I felt (and sometimes do feel) the same as you do.

Long story short, I passed on my 2nd attempt back in 2009, in a manual car. At the time it was too expensive to add me to the insurance so we didn't. My husband also loves driving, so he didn't mind. Later, we didn't have a car for a bit either.

It got to the point where we did have a car again and I felt like an utter failure because maybe we would go out for dinner and my husband could never have a glass of wine because I refused to drive.

What changed was my husband had to go into hospital a few times and I felt like an awful wife for wanting to suggest that we get a taxi there and back. It also felt ridiculous that we would fork out money we didn't have on a taxi when we had a car with a full tank of petrol just sitting there.

Our next car, we decided to get an automatic so that I wouldn't stress about stalling, and I've never looked back. I started going on short journeys to the local corner shops or to the supermarket. I started with journeys where I knew the route so I didn't have to look at the sat-nav and stress about that. I recently drove from my home town 50 miles into Edinburgh city centre and was so proud of myself that I made it there and back without a problem.

Another thing I would obsess about is that other people could somehow "tell" that I wasn't experienced, even though this makes no sense, and that they were almost waiting me to do something wrong. But I realised that everyone else is just going about their business and aren't really concerned about you. If someone (usually a white van man) is driving up close behind me then I'll let him overtake me when it's safe, but I don't let myself feel intimidated, he's hardly going to run me off the road. Ironically, another thing that put my mind at ease is I witnessed a pretty bad car crash not too long ago, the cars were both quite badly damaged, but both drivers thankfully got out unharmed, which in a weird way actually put my mind at rest a bit!

I'm still not the world's best driver, for example I can't parallel park to save myself and I will pay to park in a car park if the alternative is parallel parking! But I know I'm a safe driver (safer than a lot of people I see driving about) and I drive at the speed limit (no driving at 50 on the motorway or 20 in a 30). The only way to get better is to practice while it's quiet, and take it slow when it comes to parking. Put some of your favourite music on and just try to relax :) You'll get there!

Please don’t give up. I seriously recommend a long drive like the one I did on a Sunday. Go out early on a Sunday morning and make yourself do all the things that frighten you. Drive as far and as often as you can. You really can do it.

@romaniac123
Yep I've been there too. Do had a minor Op just after i passed my test and begore i had my car. I couldnt drive hid. He had to get a family membet to take him and pick him up.
I felt an idiot.

Vinyldetective
I've done that. One Sunday a couple of months ago.i drove for about an hour. drove to the farm for a dummy run and to waitrose!!
It was fine. Quieter areas than I live, so nice drive. And I have been back to the farm since at a busier time so that was helpful.
Not Waitrose though!. I felt ok with that drive other than there were a lot of cyclists about.

Trouble is when I try and put it into practice at busier times it's horrible. Though, it is a benefit to know the route.
There seems to be no pattern to my ability or non ability though.
Like the very short, familiar drives, that ive done the past few days have been awful.
I seem to be either hesitating which annoys drivers, or going a bit too quickly which annoys them as it like I've just pulled out.
I need someone with me.
I think im Going to wait till dc are back at school Sept and book myself in secretly.
I dont want any one to know as it's further humiliation as most people are confident after a year of passing their test.
And also it makes look unsafe I think to need more lessons when im actually already driving. Like im doubting myself(I am ).
I'm annoyed that ive yet again, spent my day off either ( badly and anxiously) driving to no particular place, thinking or mumsnetting about driving

I've also got to go out yet again to a brief appointment that i can't really walk to. I'm dreading it already.

I just want to get back home and forget the car for the day.
Looking back in hindsight as soon as I passed i should have
A. done pass plus
B. Gone out with DH at every opportunity (he did offer) and drive and parked

Before it was an issue.

Now it's too embarrassing and I'm too proud and I can't run the risk of him saying I'm unsafe. Or something that makes me feel crapper than I do.
I thinking the meantime I will stick to basic short local trips the the shop or park just so the fear doesn't build up. And maybe plan a new trip to
Either place id like to be able to go to, or learn the route on a sat Or Sun early morning.

I think you’re incredibly brave to keep going. All I meant by my post was that there’s no shame in trying something but it not working out. Like pp said, in every other area of life it’s acceptable to try something and move on, but once you have passed your driving test you HAVE to drive. Not true. You do you. Rather safe than sorry.