To need some serious guidance on how to be a good and confident driver

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Hi all,
Late to driving.Passed in a auto last year . First time.
Bought a car pretty much straightaway. On finance , small ,but quite expensive. Had no savings so no option. Didn't want to get a cheapo old banger in case it broke down.

So it was all way harder than I anticipated. Took a while to get how this car works,as very different to one I learned in.
Everything and I mean everything, makes me anxious.
I have a sat nav and am generally great at map reading but every single journey, even short ones I have done before, I over think and plan.
Parking then stresses me even more. What if I can't find a space or get back out?
Nearly a year on from buying my car im really no further along.
I try and get in the car everyday as the fear is definitely worse after a few days. I still dread it.

I have been no where of any insignificance in this time.
If i can get the bus I will.
I use public transport to work(tbf,it's easier).
I had extra lessons a while ago in my car and the instructor car too. Not any help as I was fine with her next to me.
Not a real life situation.
When I know I haven't got to drive I feel relaxed. Went away for the weekend and it was lovely
Went in the car last night to the shops and felt ill. I could not wait to get back. All I can think of whilst im the supermarket is getting back in the car and getting back home.
This anxiety is crippling me.
I've just started CBT but only had 2 sessions so far. Therapist is asking me to get back to basics and start with short journies and build up. This isn't massively helpful as I've done several short journies to death and I still hate it.
The confident side of my personality has me driving all sorts of lovely places. Days out at the zoo with dc, meeting friends but this just is not happening

I'm beginning to think I need some kind of help from GP -sertraline or similar.
I have no one in real life to talk to as DH gets very irritated as he says he's given me advice and I don't follow it. So if I as much mention I'm anxious he rolls his eyes. I have a close sibling who is a bit hot headed and outspoken who just says "oh you need to just get out more, i love my car!"
I dont mention it at work as then people (with good intention) just ask how my driving is and where have I been
It just draws attention to the issue and then people overhear and join in!
Please be gentle and don't say I'm a danger on the road as I so often see this this on other threads.

No i agree. And I don't know why ppl comment
Like you said, any other area of your life no one would.

If I started piano lessons and said hated it , no one would convince me to carry on. But a risky activity like driving is seemed as essential!
It's certainly not essential for me although I do think most households probably need a car
And we have one-DH's!
However, in my minds eye i imagine jumping into my lovely little,quite new car, that's actually lovely to drive and should be a doddle to park , and whizzing off where i like and when i like.
Reality isn't quite the same. And the majority of ppl in real life do not get that. Most people are very reliant on the cars and are quite baffled that i actually choose to walk!
I dont know. Unless some miracle happens I really cannot envisage loving it.
I suppose what i'd like to know, is do the really nervous drivers like me mostly get over it and become 'normal driver's'.
And not be bothered.
Or do the very nervous drivers stay nervous and potentially be risky. I just feel my anxiety isn't right. And maybe it's a cue to say it isn't for me
Or have I just not given it a chance and I need more time?

After spending the last 8 years being a nervous driver who really doesn’t like driving, I really do understand how you feel, I think my advice would be to continue driving but to set yourself pretty low objectives.

This could just be to do a drive you’re comfortable with once a week, and once a month to try somewhere slightly more challenging. Try not to beat yourself up that this isn’t ‘enough’, and that you’re failing in some way.

8 years on from passing my test I‘ve accepted I’m never going to enjoy driving, and that actually I do enjoy waking (plus it’s exercise!) and don’t mind getting public transport. I also just don't need to drive much day to day, plus my husband enjoys driving and so if happy to drive when we all go out.

I’ve got a few ‘safe’ drives and try and do one of these every couple of weeks. For example there’s a 10 min drive to a retail park (which has loads of parking) which I can only get to by car so that’s perfect for me.

I think this way I feel I am keeping up with what driving skills I have, also that I could do more driving if I suddenly need to, eg if my husband was ill and couldn’t drive. But I know exactly how you feel, for example when my husband, who normally drives kids to their swimming lesson was away for a few days and I knew I would need to do it, I felt the anxiety building up for at least a week beforehand. In the end the drive was fine, but that’s not really the point.

I’m similar to you. I absolutely have to just drive. The more you do it the easier it gets. I also do the running commentary.

OP I just wanted to share my own experience because this thread inspired me to really do something about my driving. I would love to be able to use it as a bit of a support thread!

I could have written so many of the other posts. I learned to drive in my late twenties and my driving instructor always said the only thing holding me back was my confidence. He didn't put me in for my test until he was pretty sure I would pass first time, and I did, although I did spend a fairly long time getting there. I knew I could so easily lose that confidence again and told myself that I would have to get straight out there and drive after passing. However, my circumstances then changed in several big ways in a short space of time, including moving to a totally new area. I put off driving, and I felt with all the stuff going on in my life and the new unfamiliar place I could justify putting it on the back burner. But then it just dragged on and I knew deep down that I was only making it harder but I was frightened so I avoided it and then the stuff I'd learned in lessons just felt further and further away, and I then felt I was more of a liability. I eventually did start driving a bit but it was only ever in fits and starts and I was never a "proper" driver. At my best, I could go a few short, known routes. And I felt so proud of myself! At my worst I would go months barely going anywhere and would have to really talk myself into the tiniest drives, even to places I had previously driven without any worries.

I don't think I'm a bad driver as such, and I don't feel massively anxious when I'm actually in the car. But, for example, where I live everyone has unofficial parking spaces. However, if I go out and someone has a visitor, they will park in my spot. So if I'm out somewhere, it's always on my mind that I might get back and find I can't park, and I don't have the confidence to just go and park on the road in case I don't do it properly or can't get into a space! I haven't parallel parked since I passed my test! This is the kind of "unknown" that makes me avoid driving.

Anyway, when the OP started this thread I read all the replies and thought "I've got to do this now." I haven't done masses, but I've been out several times with DH and a few times alone with DCs and it's an improvement on not driving at all! What I have found best so far is going alone, early, so I can get familiar with driving without the pressure of loads of cars on the road. Then going at busier times with DH so I just have that reassurance if I'm a bit unsure on something. It's usually knowing when to overtake a bus or a cyclist or something and I haven't ever been wrong but just value having him there to confirm that my own judgment is fine.

The thing that gave me a bit of a boost was to ignore where I thought I "should" be and be realistic about where I actually am. Yes, I've had a driving licence for a fairly long time now. And I definitely have built up some valuable experience in that time, which helps me be a better driver. But I've also lost a lot of knowledge because there are several things I used to do in my lessons that I've just never put into practise since, driving short distances in my local area. Instead of dwelling on this I've asked DH to basically give me refresher lessons, without any preconceptions other than I clearly once was good enough to pass a test, but clearly 7 years of not practising certain things will leave me a bit rusty.

Really hoping one day I will come on this kind of thread and say "This used to be me but I got over it and now I drive all the time!" Best of luck to all those in similar positions!

@Clytemnestra2
I've thought this. About accepting my limitations.

And just accepting I can only do so much.

I can get to the shops to do a big shop. Something I've never been able to do without relying on DH or taxi. Maybe not necessarily the range of shops I want but maybe now lockdown has eased and shops are back to normal hours I can go very late or very early.
Other insignificant drives too. I could drive to work if I had to.
No motorway driving, trips to the seaside etc which is sad. And it's expensive running a car when I'm not using it but i have to remind myself of come a long way from no driving whatsoever.
Can

@mamaMargarita
I'm happy for a support thread!
I get what you said about the parking spaces. I have certain safe ones too.
Yesterday afternoon I went on a short, unavoidable journey. Im glad i did as all my other short drives the past day or so there had been some issue. Or I'd pissed someone off.
So I ended positively. However I parked on a residential street in safe place. I was still inwardly mithered in case I was blocked in or some resident told me off(I wasn't parked anywhere I shouldn't!). It's like I almost feel I have a limited time frame to get home to safety!like I'm on a police tag. It's clearly related to on going driving anxiety.
Oh how I wish I could turn the clock back to when I'd passed. I'd accept all the help I could and do everything I'd learned over and over. Id now be comepetent
I too (not surprisingly ) haven't parallel parked since passing. Or hardly ever reversed parked even though I used to think it was easier. I only do in now in totally empty massive car park!
I try to remain positive but its hard when i see old ladies driving no issue, young girls and lads and so many people with huge cars. And I struggle with a city car
Why can't some of you mumsnetters be my friends in real life?!
No one I know is bothered about driving. Maybe the odd one says doesn't do motorways or is crap at parking but not to this degree.
I only remember one or two people I used to work with who a very limited driving repertoire. Same route to work and same space. I used to take the piss bavk then.
I'm not far behind them.

It's mainly the 'unknown that puts me off too.
If I could just drive somewhere, no temporary traffic lights, roads works, masses of easy parking once there . It would help so much.

Do you overthink stuff? I wonder if some people find driving easier because they just get on with it? I did a bit of a silly thing at a traffic light this morning because I was overthinking, although this is exactly why I went out when it was quiet. My instinct was actually correct, but as I was doing it, I doubted myself and did the wrong thing instead! When I got home I looked it up on Google maps, explained it to DH and we ended up both drawing out diagrams. It would probably just confuse things if I explained, but I basically invented an extra process to traffic lights .

DH couldn't get his head around my logic for adding this fictional step and was like "You don't need a PHD to drive, they deliberately make it all as simple as possible. But you think driving is this really complicated thing so you are always questioning your judgment thinking it must be more complex, when actually it's fairly straightforward and logical." My driving instructor used to say more or less the same thing!

I cried like a baby (hormones, gah) when I realised that it was such a stupidly simple thing and I had got it wrong. I felt so embarrassed and that my DH would think badly of me for having a driving license but fluffing something so basic. He was offended that I would think that! His feeling was that I should go out with him more often because I can test my knowledge and instincts but with the reassurance of having an experienced driver next to me. I do think if your DH isn't the person to ask then refresher lessons are possibly the way forward?

Track day.

Get out and actually see what your car (or a hired one) can do and you'll feel more relaxed on the road as you realise just how far you are from actually pushing the car day today

I used to be a truck driver (manager now) and people always assumed I'd be at ease of the roads.

Hell no!

Each time I went to a city I wasn't really familiar with I'd be shitting it about going the wrong way and getting stuck somewhere without adewuate space to turn the 65ft beast around!

My advice is to live in the moment, but think before you manoeuvre. A common mistake in my mind is to be so panicked/over thinking that you miss the obvious solution.

But what's the worst that can happen usually? If you can't find a parking space just keep driving around. If you're struggling to get into one, just take your time. People don't care and even impatient ones who beep (got beeped most days as a trucker by impatient drivers) won't care a minute down the road.

And try and practice reverse parking once you feel a bit more confident - it seems intimidating but is MUCH easier to manoeuvre into spots.

For parallel parking try aiming your wingmirrors down a bit so you can see the kerb (I still do this as I have low profile tires and my rims are worth almost a grand a corner).

I was you, and worse, OP for the first few year after I passed my test. Made worse by the fact I passed and then didn't drive or own a car for a few years! I only started driving because we moved house and I needed to get to work.
For a few years I could do one journey - to and from work. If DH asked me to pick up mcdonalds in the way home (as an example) it was literally in the main road - I couldn't do it. I couldn't turn off the route I knew. I couldnt pop into town or anything. I was so scared of the unknown, particularly as I had a few experiences of "getting stuck" - stalling and getting into a bother, missing a turning and not knowing where to go next etc.
Then I got a job where a major part of the role (unknown to me) was doing deliveries. I'd known I would have to do some but it seemed abstract and I wanted the job. On the first day I got given the keys to the van (only a small Berlingo thankfully!) and a list of 20addresses across rural Cotswolds. It was the best thing to ever happen to me because every day I just had to go out and drive around the place and I had to keep going or I'd lose my job. And what I learnt was invaluable: you will get into sticky situations but you will be able to get yourself out of it. So what if it takes you a million point turn to get out of a space? I once had to get out the car, take a breather and then get back in. I don't suggest doing it in the middle of the high street, but in a car park, sure! I once got my van stuck with a drop to a brook on one side and a stone wall on the other and I had to reverse 500m in the dusk light. God I was so sweaty after that and it took me forever, but I did it!
Obviously you can't just become a delivery driver (though I'd fully recommend it haha, I miss it now!) but it really is about exposure and learning that you can cope, and that what other people think really doesn't matter. Worst comes to worst, just stick your hazards on and have a breather. So if I were you did take absolutely every opportunity to get in the car. I know that stomach churning fear and psychological anguish so well, but not going out is just caving to it and limiting yourself. You can do this!

I still get funny about cars I don't know - I had to drive my DH's car for the first time the other day and it is much bigger than mine. I took it out with DH the day before I needed it (I hate driving my DH but wanted his support for the workings of the car) and did a route I am very comfortable with, and lasted about an hour. That way when I had to do my trip in it the other day it wasn't so new!

I still hate parking and in tight spots will just hand my keys to DH and get out!

OP, you passed your test fairly recently, that is no mean feat. I took my test 6 year ago and it was challenging even then, now the test is even more difficult to pass.

You were considered a good enough driver to pass your test. Remember that every time you get in your car. Keep practising, don't overthink, do something calming before you get in your car, practice some calming yoga or positive meditation. Picture yourself confidently driving to your destination. You've got this!

@lurchermom

Great post

Well done on passing your test OP and for your determination. You have as much right to be on the road as any other driver.
I only really started driving after refresher lessons at about 30, at which point I was like a beginner again. Some things that helped were: (Appreciate there will be repetition here, as have skimmed the thread a bit)

• Talking to myself throughout a journey. Running commentary idea I suppose. Praising myself for successful manoeuvres, however simple.
• Having a more confident driver in the car advising. Are you sure you couldn’t ask your DH to help? I know you’ve said he’s not very patient. What about a friend?
• Longer journeys. I did (by chance) a longish road trip in Ireland not long after I got my car, and my confidence soared. Not suggesting you immediately book a holiday but agree with PP who have suggested longer journeys.
• If there’s something that really fills you with dread that can be avoided, avoid it. I still amend certain routes to avoid difficult right turns for example. Parallel parking can also largely be avoided unless you live on a street where it’s necessary. Probably not good advice, but might help to alleviate fear.

Hope things get better.

Oh you remind me of me....!

I didn’t learn to drive until I was 32 and then it took me 60 hours of lessons and an intensive weeks course to pass on the 4th time. My nerves were just horrendous.

After that it genuinely took me about 18 months to really feel more confident. And I say more confident because even now 11 years on I still don’t feel totally confident! But actually I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Too many people are the other way where they are over confident and ballsy and they cause just as many issues as the people like me who are very nervous.

I drive everyday. I have even driven 250 miles to get to a holiday place last year - which was a huge achievement for me (5.5 hours journey). I have touch wood never had a single accident in all the time I’ve been driving. I’m over cautious if anything.

But - I don’t do things to stress myself out. I meticulously plan every journey. If it’s somewhere I don’t know I’ll use google images / satellite maps to zoom in and look carefully at the junctions beforehand and even look up parking places.

I NEVER parallel park or reverse park. Ever. I have never needed to and will just drive round to find a different space if that’s the only option. I would rather walk further etc. I live fairly rurally so it’s never been an issue for me.

Just keep going. I actually really like driving now, honestly. I don’t like parking and going to new places in the car but generally day to day driving is fun! It has clicked for me eventually and I don’t get anxious all the time like I did.

Safety is paramount. Do not worry about pissing people off or going in the wrong lane or taking ages to park. It happens. Not everyone is a natural driver and worrying about these things will make it all a lot worse for you. Give plenty of time for journeys and be patient with yourself. Be safe and careful and becoming more adept at skills will come later. If someone gets annoyed at you ignore them, they're probably crap at something you're good at.

I was exactly the same as you OP. I used to drive to and from work, it was a short journey and I knew it well but from about 4pm I would start to dread having to get back in my car! I didn't do motorways at all. I would map out every journey on Google Street View making sure I knew all the junctions and lanes I needed to be in, or to change my route to avoid roundabouts etc. However 8 years on and I would say I am a fairly confident driver. It just took years of practice. I would say around the 4 year mark things started getting better. Just stick with it and don't avoid situations that make you anxious.

Thanks everyone!I am a massive overthinker yes
This clearly doesnt help me

It's reassuring to hear others like me.
All if you who are taken ling trips I'm impressed!
I so,so wanted to be doing this. It now seems virtually impossible. Almost like I'm a fraud and I couldn't do it even if I wanted!!
Think i need to push myself a little bit. That's for definite but equally as I've said before know my limits

I think I need to be comfortable with some very basic drives before I do parallel parking etc as I can 100% get away witg not having to do that right now

@Hillyjilly
I love that!that I'm good at something that they are crap at!!

casper yes I have that feeling of dread when I've done a journey about coming home

I suppose those of you who need to drive for work etc get over that feeling by doing the trip day in, day out.
As I don't need to drive to work on a daily basis, it's better to avoid it than jave those uncomfortable feelings that plague me once I'm there.

Have you considered booking a few lessons with a driving instructor in your new car? I did this when I got a car after passing my test a few years before. It helped to give me a confidence boost, and they can also take you on dual carriageways, motorways, focus on parking....whatever it is that is worrying you really. I really couldn't recommend it more!

There are 2 main things you need to address - the psychology, your anxiety around driving (it sounds as though you're taking steps to do that and choosing to drive when it's quieter can help you build up.

2. Practice. Practice in the car so you get used to its proportions, controls and how the engine handles. Manoeuvring - especially panrking. Practice, practice, practice. Go to a large var park when it's busy and practice reversing in and out of spaces. Over and over again, from different directions, different spaces.

I sympathise OP. I'm exactly the same as you, except I've been driving for 14 years! I'm not a natural driver at all - it took me 8 times to pass my test, not because of nerves, but simply because I'm not that great at it. I don't have very good depth perception so feel like I have no concept of how close I am to other cars or the kerb. I'm terrible at parking (and getting out again) and haven't attempted a reverse park since I passed my test. We live in the countryside so there are lots of quiet country roads which I'm confident driving on, and driving to our local small town is fine too. But driving in a city or to somewhere far away is a no-no - my DH always does any trips that are more than ten miles away.

@namechangetheworld
I soo wish I lived somewhere like you do. Although i guess driving in the countryside can be stressful- narrow roads, passing places etc, generally it's quieter

I live in a nightmare part of the country. Lots of busy roundabouts,complicated traffic lights. Aggressive driving.
If I want to go anywhere 'big' other than my local Tesco I need to navigate at least one of these roundabouts/lights/dual carriageway.
The only time that i found it actually quiet was at the beginning of lock down when it was quieter than a bank holiday.

Looking back I should have got more driving practice then
I was conscious of being out on unnecessary journies though!!
Next Saturday we go away for 10 days in the UK to a lovely part of the country. I'd love to be able to drive whilst there (and this time last year this was my goal). That's not going to happen obviously. Number one as I'm not able to drive DH huge family car. And number 2 it would be stupid for me to take my car also (and virtually impossible atm anyway due to my limited driving).
I wish I could tow my car and plant it outside the holiday home!!