To need some serious guidance on how to be a good and confident driver

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Hi all,
Late to driving.Passed in a auto last year . First time.
Bought a car pretty much straightaway. On finance , small ,but quite expensive. Had no savings so no option. Didn't want to get a cheapo old banger in case it broke down.

So it was all way harder than I anticipated. Took a while to get how this car works,as very different to one I learned in.
Everything and I mean everything, makes me anxious.
I have a sat nav and am generally great at map reading but every single journey, even short ones I have done before, I over think and plan.
Parking then stresses me even more. What if I can't find a space or get back out?
Nearly a year on from buying my car im really no further along.
I try and get in the car everyday as the fear is definitely worse after a few days. I still dread it.

I have been no where of any insignificance in this time.
If i can get the bus I will.
I use public transport to work(tbf,it's easier).
I had extra lessons a while ago in my car and the instructor car too. Not any help as I was fine with her next to me.
Not a real life situation.
When I know I haven't got to drive I feel relaxed. Went away for the weekend and it was lovely
Went in the car last night to the shops and felt ill. I could not wait to get back. All I can think of whilst im the supermarket is getting back in the car and getting back home.
This anxiety is crippling me.
I've just started CBT but only had 2 sessions so far. Therapist is asking me to get back to basics and start with short journies and build up. This isn't massively helpful as I've done several short journies to death and I still hate it.
The confident side of my personality has me driving all sorts of lovely places. Days out at the zoo with dc, meeting friends but this just is not happening

I'm beginning to think I need some kind of help from GP -sertraline or similar.
I have no one in real life to talk to as DH gets very irritated as he says he's given me advice and I don't follow it. So if I as much mention I'm anxious he rolls his eyes. I have a close sibling who is a bit hot headed and outspoken who just says "oh you need to just get out more, i love my car!"
I dont mention it at work as then people (with good intention) just ask how my driving is and where have I been
It just draws attention to the issue and then people overhear and join in!
Please be gentle and don't say I'm a danger on the road as I so often see this this on other threads.

I get what your saying but if you think all confident drivers just had confidence from the get go they didn't but many many myself included just got out there and forced to drive to different places / parking building up confidence until eventually you will feel confident.
I do agree you need some help with anxiety etc but then the rest is up to you .
I think when you past your test you didn't drive regularly so when you did go out you built it up to this big thing .
You've past your test so you can drive just remember that .

I’m the same, OP!
I actually do the driving, often 300 mile journeys etc (at least 8 times a year) and been driving my car for 2 years and do at around 100 miles on an average week (bro including any big journeys) but I HATE IT!

I have nightmares and never enjoy myself when I’ve driven somewhere

Forgot to add I’ve done pass plus etc and it didn’t help

You have to practice. Drive every day, as far as you can afford. Park in the hardest places. Go for driving lessons to learn how to drive using gears (cos then auto will feel easier), and how to use motorways. Use motorways.

I learned to drive at 28, and initially it was terrifying, but I had to drive long distances every day for work. Within a couple of months I was fine. In fact, I began with having to turn down the stereo at every roundabout, and that stopped after less than a week.

Looking back I was lucky that I had no choice but to drive. But seriously, either work on getting proficient at driving, or pack it in. I am one of those terrible Mumsnet people who are saying it's really not a good idea to be driving a lethal machine if you aren't confident you can handle it.

Honestly just drive.

Like for no reason just every day go out and drive for an hour around your local area.

No radio on. No sat nav. Take different routes each time.

Stay close to home so if you do need to get back you're able to within 10 minutes or so.

When I first passed I just got out every day and kept at it. Was nervous to but it's experience that builds confidence.

I was going to say get the book roadcraft and have a read. Book some advanced lessons.

I'm not any longer but have been an advanced police driver. Roadcraft isn't written for police but it underpins all police driver training. It's the bible.

It's also been around for decades relatively unchanged.

This book along with lessons in how to apply it's methods will transform all drivers.
You'll be faster (if you want to be) safer and more confident.

Best of luck.

I was the same after I passed my test. I worked evenings and I spent the whole day so anxious and starting arguments with everyone because I was so worried.

I can’t say there was a switch that changed anything other than just keep going, the more I drove the more confident I became. Now 8 years later I don’t give it a second thought.

Only advice I can offer is keep going

Another vote for doing some sessions with the Institute of Advanced Motorists.

They’ll teach you strategies to make you a better driver. That will help improve your confidence. That will make you a better driver. And on it goes.

Worth a look.

Brilliant points @DeRigueurMortis
Will take them on board.
The parking bit- well this is exactly what I should have done from the off.
I have no one that I woukd be happy doing this witg though. Plenty of ppl would be happy but no,I can't envisage it. One of my friends going back to work and (innocently)saying they had helped me park.
The music thing
Well I don't have it on loud just enough for me to hear but still think!

I will Google the roadcraft book too!
@secretsquirell
I do stay close to home mostly to be fair

Its like a security blanket knowing I can get home quick!
A bit like learning to swim and knowing you can reach the sides of the pool. Or the bottom.
Thanks for all being so encouraging and not making me feel bad

It's good to know that a lot of you started off anxious and now love it or feel fine
And even those of you who don't, can relate to me.
As when I'm out and about everyone else seems super confident, even cocky. And not one bit bothered.

Thanks for starting this thread @Iusedtobecarmen although you are a couple of steps ahead of me. I passed 20 years ago, never drove and last year started refresher lessons. Must have had about 15 by now but still cannot imagine driving on my own. Living in a part of London filled with aggressive drivers doesn't help!
Good luck.

elbob
I dont live in London but I do live in another major city. It's he'll. J have just been away for the weekend in a quiet part if the U.K. and it must be a million times easier to drive.
My route to work us the worst.

Excuse typos!!

I just wanted to say I sympathise. I am the same . I only do journeys I am familiar with and often have to take deep breaths to calm myself . And I am not a slow driver but I have to map out my journey in my head .

But I get by .

But I don’t enjoy it .

@Iusedtobecarmen

You're welcome OP.

I honestly think your experiences are not uncommon.

I genuinely think if you get into a mindset that driving is a skill you have to practice (and will always be learning) it will help a lot.

After 20 years of driving I was fortunate enough to be invited to a track day at Silverstone race track.

I was in the same sports car as I own and yet I realised how much I still had to learn - especially being driven round the track with a pro!!!

Another thing that was really fun was a day doing the skid and ice exercises.

Lots of places have parts of the driving centre set up to do so this.

I'll admit that even for me it was scary to start but after a few try's (you have a pro driver next to you) you really start to feel the car and responding becomes instinctive. Then it becomes great fun!

I'd honestly recommend you look into something like this. Lots of places do skid training.

Once you know you can handle a car in those circumstances parking in Waitrose is not a big deal!

I felt like you and I don't drive any more (although I still renew my licence because it's useful as a form of ID). I truly believe that not everybody is suited to driving and I wasn't. Why keep doing something that is making you feel unhappy and unsafe?

I hated driving and I was bloody shit at it because I was so scared of making a mistake that I made mistakes.
I used to take beta blockers before drinking.
Until my friend decided to get married in a tiny little village in Scotland which was 7 hours drive. I agonised over it but I couldn’t not go and it was nowhere near an airport or Train station.
I did it I drove on every single type of road and the longer I drove the more confident I became. I pulled up in the hotel car park with the biggest smile on my face. Since then I’m like meh I drove to x I can do this journey and just get in the car and do it. I enjoy driving now on motorways or country roads. Still hate driving through city centers and avoid that whenever possible.

Say you do piss another driver off, what's the likely thing to happen? They'll be annoyed for all of half an hour then forget about it. I know that's hard to grasp in the moment because I was there but you need to remember you can't control how others feel. You will get it

My problem is not the driving, but the size of the car. I passed my test on the fifth attempt, so took my time. I know I can drive well, and had lessons at night, and on motorways (once I'd passed). Loved the motorway lesson, as I knew exactly what I was doing (although told to slow down by the instructor). However, i've not driven for years as the cars we've had make me worry that I can't check for things low down. The car is chosen for a man, it doesn't suit a short women.

I was the same 5 years ago, passed my test when I was younger but didn't start driving until I was older and hated it. My hands would drip with sweat and I would grip the steering wheel so hard that my fingers would hurt, along with screaming I was so scared, it's very funny thinking about it now.

It took me a good year of having to drive to work to get used to it. It's all about the practice, the more you do it the easier it becomes. I still don't massively like driving but it has changed my life and makes everything so much easier, I couldn't go back to public transport now. Just keep practicing and you will get there. Good luck x

massive sympathies OP.

Does anyone have any tips for handling anxiety at roundabouts? I can manage most other aspects of driving just fine but I go to pieces at roundabouts due to a being a passenger in a collision at one a couple of years ago (other driver's fault).

As someone who is still working quite hard to get over driving anxiety, my advice is you just have to drive. As much as you can. Getting the experience is the only way. And then that way, you can think to yourself 'well I did this yesterday and it was fine, I can do it today' and then just push yourself a bit further each time. There will be scary times, but you will do it and then have it under your belt.

That, and talking to myself a lot whilst I'm driving to distract myself!

I passed just before lockdown so haven’t had the driving practice I might otherwise have done - although driving on quiet roads was so lovely!

I still get anxious before setting off but I have driven more regularly and it has helped a lot. I don’t feel nervous until the day I need to drive (used to be the night before) so I know I’m getting there.

When I’m particularly anxious, I have some Rescue Remedy chewing gum which takes the edge off any nerves. I store this in the car as it’s the only time in my life I’ve ever taken it- and I do suffer with anxiety generally.

If it makes you feel better, my DH decided (he was paying and it was for the whole family) that the car I would be driving once I’d passed was a Land Rover! It’s absolutely huge but I’ve got used to it now and I so love driving it, but parking it makes me a bit anxious for obvious reasons. It has sensors and I take my time so it’s fine. I do feel like I need to breathe in when I try to park between two cars.

I actually ended up taking my test in this car, and when the examiner passed me, I felt like I then had permission to drive it (I felt like a dick driving such a big car with L plates - no one tailgated me though!) - gave me a good confidence boost.

Other drivers don’t worry me so much now. I think if they want to drive right up behind me, go ahead. They’ll be the ones with my tow bar sitting on their laps.

I’d say driving a big car has given me confidence in lots of ways, but it does make some other things a bit harder.

Stick with it, but I do understand what you say about being happier before you passed. I said this to my DH recently.

And there’s nothing wrong with taking the bus to the shopping centre. I’d do this as well. It’s nice and relaxing on the bus; you can go on Mumsnet .

You know OP, you make a good point about bungee jumping. You wouldn’t keep forcing yourself to do it. And you don’t NEED to drive, you said so yourself. So why keep torturing yourself over this? Driving - like all skills - is going to be something that a certain percentage of the population don’t enjoy, and will never be good at it. I can understand persisting if it was necessary but as it isn’t....
Largely I think the roads would be safer if people who don’t like driving and aren’t good at it were supported to not drive via provision of excellent public transport (where I live there is precisely zero which means everyone needs to drive to get anywhere, whether they should have a licence or not) and less societal pressure that it’s something you ‘must’ do.