To need some serious guidance on how to be a good and confident driver

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Hi all,
Late to driving.Passed in a auto last year . First time.
Bought a car pretty much straightaway. On finance , small ,but quite expensive. Had no savings so no option. Didn't want to get a cheapo old banger in case it broke down.

So it was all way harder than I anticipated. Took a while to get how this car works,as very different to one I learned in.
Everything and I mean everything, makes me anxious.
I have a sat nav and am generally great at map reading but every single journey, even short ones I have done before, I over think and plan.
Parking then stresses me even more. What if I can't find a space or get back out?
Nearly a year on from buying my car im really no further along.
I try and get in the car everyday as the fear is definitely worse after a few days. I still dread it.

I have been no where of any insignificance in this time.
If i can get the bus I will.
I use public transport to work(tbf,it's easier).
I had extra lessons a while ago in my car and the instructor car too. Not any help as I was fine with her next to me.
Not a real life situation.
When I know I haven't got to drive I feel relaxed. Went away for the weekend and it was lovely
Went in the car last night to the shops and felt ill. I could not wait to get back. All I can think of whilst im the supermarket is getting back in the car and getting back home.
This anxiety is crippling me.
I've just started CBT but only had 2 sessions so far. Therapist is asking me to get back to basics and start with short journies and build up. This isn't massively helpful as I've done several short journies to death and I still hate it.
The confident side of my personality has me driving all sorts of lovely places. Days out at the zoo with dc, meeting friends but this just is not happening

I'm beginning to think I need some kind of help from GP -sertraline or similar.
I have no one in real life to talk to as DH gets very irritated as he says he's given me advice and I don't follow it. So if I as much mention I'm anxious he rolls his eyes. I have a close sibling who is a bit hot headed and outspoken who just says "oh you need to just get out more, i love my car!"
I dont mention it at work as then people (with good intention) just ask how my driving is and where have I been
It just draws attention to the issue and then people overhear and join in!
Please be gentle and don't say I'm a danger on the road as I so often see this this on other threads.

This morning i set my alarm for 7am.and planned to go for a drive.
I was too tired though . And now it's too late as its friday and traffic has built up
Hate myself.
To the poster who suggested going out with DH- no chance. Everything is black and white with him. He thinks just get out there and do it. He says he sympathise with me but he has no clue. He does not understand at all as driving to him is simple.
I am most definitely having more lessons or more likely pass plus as soon as dc are back in school

I did have lessons in my car a while ago but it was only as i was getting used to the car. It may be better now as i have a better feel for it. The instructor was good in a way. She pushed me. But i felt uncomfortable a bit. She said my driving was fine but was baffled about how id been taught manoeveres. And seemed a bit frustrated about that part. She took me to the busiest car park in the world. I hated it.
I think in the meantime I shall accept my limits. Not upset myself by ruining every day thinking about driving. I don't need it
Half of me thinks I can do this slowly on my own. An other half wants the reassurance up of having someone next to me. Im loathe to pay someone more money if they aren't the right person.

I was really nervous too. What worked for me was:

1. Refresher lessons with a lovely local instructor who came highly recommended. Ask around or use local Facebook to find someone suitable. She made it clear there was a mismatch between my confidence and my driving abilities, but also “corrected” some of the driving habits I had acquired.

2. Drive. Drive, drive, drive. Going out really early, or late in the evening, is a great idea. I had to when we first got our car as I was the only one of us who could drive. Then my MIL died and I racked up about 3000 miles up and down the M4 sorting out her funeral and house clearance. Put it this way: I got past my fear of motorways.

3. Practise manoeuvres in empty car parks. I have terrible performance anxiety if I think anyone is watching.

Maybe give yourself a break until after your holiday and then have a plan for the autumn? It took me a year from getting a car to not blinking about driving anywhere.

Maybe I will give it a break till after hols.
Thing is I'm conscious of all this time slipping away
This time last year I planned to be confident to share the driving on holiday and the journey back.
Other goals I set (and failed) were driving before Xmas break
Half term. Light nights. Nope.

Yes I've passed. I have a car and I'm driving a bit in the past year.

However, every single place I've been to I can access by bus or walk to, bar one park.
So no days out
No visting family
Theme parks etc. Only slight benefit is I'm able to do a big supermarket shop.
Im paying hundreds s if pounds a month on car and insurance on piddley little trips!

Feeling shit tonight if anyone can give me some kind words.
I had a 10 day gap not driving(stupid). Convinced myself I didnt need to go anywhere.
Yesterday I needed shopping. Work myself up whole day to go. Upset stomach the lot. Went eventually and was relatively pain free.
Short trip tiday. Drove bad. I felt that flustered that i think I was careless.
Had a beauty appt this evening. Walking distance but I wanted to drive. Talked myself out of it again. Got there and roads weren't too busy, loads if potential parking.
This evening DH has pissed me off. He had to go somewhere. Think be was hinting at taking my unused car outside as it's got a good sat nav.
He said "That car need a bloody good drive out!"
I've taken it personally. Hes right though . What idiot pays shit loads of money a month for an almost new car to drive it occasionally on a very short distance. I could cry.

Oh I could write your posts! I passed last year and talked myself out of driving (husband also new driver and needed car for new job.) Then lockdown happened and I did some refresher lessons so I could get to work (hospital.)

It 100% doesn’t come naturally. All my colleagues and family seem bemused or mildly entertained that I find it so terrifying. I find parking manouveres so hard, I have to think about how to move the car to make it go how I want, so it takes time, and then I feel I’m holding everyone up and get so flustered. Even though it’s probably only ten seconds! I feel like I don’t deserve to be on the road, like I’m holding everyone up even though I’m not. I really expected it to get easier but that awful fear hits me the day before any driving, and like you I do small nearby drives. I dwell on any minor mistake and cringe thinking about it. I have to keep going though as my husband doesn’t love driving either and it’s unfair to make him do it all. I just expected it to be easier by now. Sometimes I think I should have learnt when I was confident and younger.... and had no fear!!

Sorry, this isn’t much help but I just wanted to say I totally understand- it makes you feel so silly when no one else seems to feel the same but I do. I get it.

Ellie
Thanks
Thats me with manoeveres. I have to really think about how to move the car for manoeveres. I can't just do it naturally.
Today the dc said why do you always look so nervous when you park and you take ages.
I dwell on things terrible and play it over and cringe too.
I also worry dc will say something in front of friends parents which will then make me look incompetent and mean they will never trust their kids in my car!.Not that I'd want to give them a lift the way I feel. Don't need extra passengers

I need someone with me to reassure me what im doing and feeling is normal.
I can live with mistakes if it gets better. But I can't tell if the mistakes are because I'm new or because I don't know what I'm doing.

I am glad to see your post. I dread driving. I also stopped driving for a while because I really didn't enjoy it. For a year before the lockdown, I only took a bus or uber or walk wherever I go.

I really want to drive local journeys again as I feel if I keep avoiding it, my driving skills will get worse and with that the little confidence in driving I already have. I also realise driving is much easier with a child who needs to go to activities or meet her friends.

Reading the tips from all of you here helps. Maybe I should look at refresher course and also ask my husband to drive a few times with me again first.

@Icecreambaby
It's horrible isn't it.
I'm on holiday now. Came away yesterday and its a huge relief to know I haven't got to think about driving as my car is at home.
It will soon be back in my mind again.
I've got to have refresher lessons(even though I haven't actually stopped to need refreshing!).
I need some guidance and support.
I'm going to struggle finding an instructor that 'Gets me though.
A lot of instructors by me are big chains too which I'm not so keen on.

Watching DH drive to our holiday home makes me jealous too. He is so relaxed. Sits back and holds the steering wheel easily while I hold it in a tight grip.
Nothing fazes him, difficult junctions, country lanes. Total opposite of me, micro planning even a short supermarket trip.

How are you getting on @Iusedtobecarmen

As a late driver myself (30) i know how you feel and it took me a while to get over it mostly and just had to think of it as a means to an end. Now 12 years on i am more confident locally but still panic and have to focus if i need to follow the sat nav if i dont know where I am going or need a non husband navigator with more than 3 seconds notice to turn or move lane :)

It’s funny this thread just popped up as I was thinking of it the other day after a not-great driving experience.

I’d plucked up the courage to do a 45 or so min drive, mainly on pretty fast roads, which I have done before but am not that confident about. Husband was in the car as well which helps me feel slightly more confident as well.

The drive went well apart from one incident on the busy & fast A road, where I looked in the rear view mirror and noticed an ambulance with flashing blue lights directly behind me (but no sirens). I panicked - how long had it been there? When did I last check my mirrors? How quickly could I move lanes in the busy traffic to let it pass? etc - and basically shouted at my husband ‘what do I do! Help!’ and then relied on him to tell me when it was safe for me to change lane. The ambulance then went past and all was fine, but it left me feeling a bit rubbish and feeling like I’d not have coped if I’d been driving alone.

I think what frustrates and annoys me about driving is that having one 10 second episode like this, makes me feel as though the whole 45 min drive was awful, even though I know it was fine. When it comes to driving the tiny horrible bit gets blown up out of all proportion in my mind, so that when I think of that drive all I can think of is the ambulance episode! And it all makes me even more nervous about driving in future.

@Clytemnestra2 it was probably a good thing your husband was in the car when you had that experience so he was able to guide you, & now you know what to do if it happens again. Have you driven by yourself yet? I haven't but know I need to soon.

I like the way you think of it @123becauseicouldntthinkofone , I do that.

I feel your pain, really I do! I am in danger of getting to the point where I only drive roads that I know-and I really dont want to end up stuck in that mindset! Things that have helped me are:

1. Not just having a running commentary in my head, but actually speaking it out loud. Apparently doing so connects with a distinct, logical section of your brain which helps mitigate against panic attacks. This reeeeally helps me.

1. Try and get to the point where you accept that there are things you cant control. You know your car, you know how to operate it. You know the rules of the road. What you DONT know is how other people will be. So do what i do, assume they are all terrible drivers and mentally prepare yourself for anything. This sounds counter productive, but the problem I had was always thinking that everyone was an excellent and accomplished driver, and I was some kind of lucky fraud. Flip it in your head, and honestly, you'll be priced right most of the time. You'll start seeing how bad other drivers out there are, and you'll start to gain confidence in your ability to handle their crappy driving!

1. Forcing myself to take journeys I really dont want to take. The feeling afterwards is great. Driving confidently is like working out a muscle, you need to amp it after a while up to see results I think.

1. Dont just ignore tailgaters or impatient Aholes. When someone is really up your bottom in a car, take a deep breath, slow down yo the limit, stay there and just think FCK EM. Breathe and keep calm and in control. These creeps usually have very swish motors and they wont want to risk getting so close that they damage their cars. FCK EM. Smile, and breathe. It does get easier. Heck, I even quite enjoy winding them up now, just by refusing to get intimidated!