To need some serious guidance on how to be a good and confident driver

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Hi all,
Late to driving.Passed in a auto last year . First time.
Bought a car pretty much straightaway. On finance , small ,but quite expensive. Had no savings so no option. Didn't want to get a cheapo old banger in case it broke down.

So it was all way harder than I anticipated. Took a while to get how this car works,as very different to one I learned in.
Everything and I mean everything, makes me anxious.
I have a sat nav and am generally great at map reading but every single journey, even short ones I have done before, I over think and plan.
Parking then stresses me even more. What if I can't find a space or get back out?
Nearly a year on from buying my car im really no further along.
I try and get in the car everyday as the fear is definitely worse after a few days. I still dread it.

I have been no where of any insignificance in this time.
If i can get the bus I will.
I use public transport to work(tbf,it's easier).
I had extra lessons a while ago in my car and the instructor car too. Not any help as I was fine with her next to me.
Not a real life situation.
When I know I haven't got to drive I feel relaxed. Went away for the weekend and it was lovely
Went in the car last night to the shops and felt ill. I could not wait to get back. All I can think of whilst im the supermarket is getting back in the car and getting back home.
This anxiety is crippling me.
I've just started CBT but only had 2 sessions so far. Therapist is asking me to get back to basics and start with short journies and build up. This isn't massively helpful as I've done several short journies to death and I still hate it.
The confident side of my personality has me driving all sorts of lovely places. Days out at the zoo with dc, meeting friends but this just is not happening

I'm beginning to think I need some kind of help from GP -sertraline or similar.
I have no one in real life to talk to as DH gets very irritated as he says he's given me advice and I don't follow it. So if I as much mention I'm anxious he rolls his eyes. I have a close sibling who is a bit hot headed and outspoken who just says "oh you need to just get out more, i love my car!"
I dont mention it at work as then people (with good intention) just ask how my driving is and where have I been
It just draws attention to the issue and then people overhear and join in!
Please be gentle and don't say I'm a danger on the road as I so often see this this on other threads.

First, the driving: You hate driving. Hate it. You could not have known this before, but you know it now. You actually make quite a persuasive argument (and I love driving!). As you only passed a year ago, and you take public transport to work, do you NEED to drive? If it's not fundamental, just sell the damn car and move on. A mistake was made, c'est la vie. You have a license and can keep it up on case of emergencies.

Next, your confidence: you seem to be surrounded by loud and unsympathetic people who do not listen to you. Do you find yourself anxious and uncertain in other areas of life?

If it's just driving, then take a bus/taxi/train. If it's a deeper issue that dh and others and knocking your confidence, then that's what your CBT should address!

I was a late starter to driving too. I used to dread driving anywhere except very familiar routes like my commute or the supermarket (where I would park very far away from other vehicles).

One day, I decided, “That’s it”. I’d learnt to drive for convenience and independence but wasn’t gaining either of these things. I booked a weekend away, and the only way for me and my children to get there was by a 2 hour drive on a mix of dual carriageways and winding country roads. Got in the car and did it. I can still remember the relief when we arrived! But I did it.

Now nothing fazes me when it comes to driving. Other people might not get it, but for me it was a real achievement. You will overcome this fear and it will change your life (bit dramatic, but it will!).

Let us know how you get on, even if it’s 3 months from now. You can do this!

I passed my test at 34. At first I was terrified everytime I had to drive (I needed to go to the loo several times because I was so stressed...). I stuck to familiar routes, planned all less familiar journeys using Google street view. After a few months something clicked and I became more confident. I still park far away from the supermarket, and I avoid motorways, but I am not afraid I am going to kill someone any more. I have been driving for nearly six years and I have never had an accident.

This was me! Do you hate driving generally or is it because you hate doing one or two things in the car. I had 2 instructors post passing my test and hypnotherapy (waste of time). I then got an amazing job but one where I was going to have to drive so I booked her more lessons thinking that if they didn’t work I’d have to give up the job.the instructor got me to drive around for half an hour and then she said, ‘I know what your problem is. You can’t do roundabouts’. Then she made me practice roundabouts for 2 hours a day for a week and go up and down the motorway a few times, and that was that.

No i don't need to drive. I know that for sure.
Have good public transport. We have a family car for holidays. DH doesn't mind driving.
I kind of always thought I wouldn't like it. That's why I didn't learn sooner. But then i hoped I may be good to learn for days out raking dc places . Sharing holiday drives(like that's ever going to happen).
I Do think why the he'll am I making myself do this. I wouldn't keep forcing myself to do skydive or bungee jumping!
I can't sell the car though as tied into quote high interest finance for 3 yrs.

@sarahbellam
I dont mind roundabouts or dual carriageway really.
Big fear is manoeveres I'd say

@sidewinder30
No generally I'm confident.
I'm not surrounded by horrible people honestly
DH is quite easy going but I don't think he has a lot of patience and he initially buffered to come out witg me. I thought that would make me worse and more nervous so I said no.thinking I'd crack it on my own.
His answer now is thathe tried to help and I declined and why am I still going on about the same issue a year later ?
Friends I play it down now. And it was humiliating getting 20 questions:
Did I you drive today?
How is it?do you feel better?
I dont Feel like anyone in RL truly understands so it makes me feel worse.
And to be honest, there s only so many time you can have the same conversation.
A year later is total embarrassment.
So i play it down.

He offered *

Forget the satnav. If you go somewhere, look at a map first. If you go the wrong way, the worst that can happen is that you have to turn around.

As for parking, I think considering how you may get out again is a good thing to do. I am always surprised when I see large cars that have driven into spaces in narrow car parks. How they manage to back out again I don't know! I always reverse in when possible. I always choose easy spaces and if I spot a space and someone is close behind me (on a road) I let it go and drive on.

I am still not confident on fast roads like motorways or very fast dual carriageways, but 20 years ago I wasn't confident driving anywhere and thought a 10 minute journey was an ordeal! All you can do is drive more and more and gradually your confidence will grow as nothing bad happens.

I know it’s no easy fix, but I was a late starter with driving too and was terribly anxious, and the only thing that helped is to keep doing it. Don’t chicken out, especially with things that terrify you (for me, it was motorways). Just do it. The more terror you feel, the more you need to do that thing to get rid of the terror.

It took about 2 years for me not to be just generally scared every time I got in the car. Another 2 years for me to get over my motorway fear. I’ve been driving for nearly 10 years now, and I still get anxious on new journeys, at big roundabouts and with joining busy motorways. But I do it. It’s the only way! I know this because things that used to terrify me - parking, using satnav - have very gradually become easier, The more I do them.

OP I hope you find some strategies to get you on the path to where you want to be. I've read this thread with interest as I'm currently learning to drive. I've had almost 40hrs of lessons and am still crippled with anxiety and am absolutely nowhere near to being ready for a test, I imagine I could easily need double that amount of hours, which is a huuuge financial drain. But I am autistic and dyslexic so I'm sure that's why I'm having so many difficulties and I also have Generalised Anxiety Disorder so I'm anxious about everything else too! I really am motivated to learn though I just hope that I don't end up investing too much money only to decide its just not going to happen. I make progress through my lessons but soooo slowly and having months off during lockdown didn't help things.

Glad to hear it's not a general confidence thing and that people are (trying to be) nice!

But you still hate it. Hey, that money on the car is spent one way or the other. No need to make yourself miserable on top of it.

You could give yourself a deadline - I will drive every day for a month - record your stress level, 1 to 10, each time. If it's still at roughly the same place after a month, let your poor self quit. If it goes down, give it another month. And so on.

Good luck!

@sidewinder30
Thanks.
That's the tactic that the CBT therapist is using.
I've got like a diary to record my feelings.
I think it may work in theory but some days I'm worse than others!
I never get in the car casually and just pull off. It's very rarely a spur of the moment journey.

Normally it's okay I need food shopping tomorrow so i will mither until then

I need a good few nice journies where things go ok. I think maybe sometimes the car park has been busy or someone had sounded their horn at me. Then the next journey is extra stressful
I do the same little trip to a local shop. I can never park outside as it's always busy and it would mean reversing off again
Too anxiety inducing
So I park around the corner. So I haven't made any progress on that route
There never seems to be consistency!!
Think maybe I need to record it more clearly and in detail.

And yes, people in here have been (very) nice to me
Thanks
I never imagined I would be the type that would suffer anxiety like this.

I passed my test, then didn’t drive for 3 years. I did some refresher sessions but the first time I went out on my own, I had an accident. I was really nervous about getting back into the car. I didn’t have a choice though, I had to drive to get to work. I do suffer with anxiety too, so I get how it isn’t logical or simple to fix. But when there’s no other choice, I think you just have to get on with it. The more time you have to think about it, the worse it becomes. You have many options open to you and it’s too easy to go by public transport. You might need to eliminate that if you want to get less nervous. See coronavirus as a chance to use public transport less and force yourself to use the car.

Stop worrying about pissing people off. The middle aged prick in his BMW, tailgating pisses me off. He probably pisses many other drivers off too. Do you think he gives a shit about me or anyone else? You’re going to piss him off but anyone driving at the speed limit likely pisses him off. If you come to the dark side, you’ll passively aggressively enjoy driving at 27mph just to piss him off. As he overtakes you in a village, call him a cock and wish his exhaust falls off. You will not be on his radar because there’ll be another person driving responsibility to piss him off.

It’s going to take you longer to do a manoeuvre when you’re stressing about it or when you have an audience. You aren’t the only one. I can park, I made sure I could park because I hate the ‘women can’t park’ argument. If I have an audience, I’ll still mess up occasionally but honestly people are very rarely paying attention to you. One of the blokes at work once said to me “have you noticed that women will take several attempts to reverse into the space?” I agreed with him but every car parked by a woman in the car park was actually neatly parked, not just landed as the men did. I pointed that out to him and said “surely, it’s better to do something a few more times but make sure you get it right?” So take a few more turns to get it right but you’ll get it right, rather than rushing and inconveniencing everyone else or dinging someone’s car. Your fine, you just need to believe it.

@RaspberryToupee

Quite true. Good points. I normal life I don't let people upset me. But I suppose as I feel so crap at driving I feel like I'm always in the wrong

I know I need to stick at it
But it's kind of taking over my days. I even dream of driving. Sometimes when driving I realise I've literally held my breath!
I dont want to be a woman that can't park either!!
I'm ok without an audience but flustered with one.
Not that i ever attempt a challenging parking space but you get my drift.

@MeadowHay
Good luck with your driving and stick at it.
When you do pass don't be like me. Get straight on it
Take someone with you and gain confidence

In hindsight, the day I got my car I should have gone out with DH . Got familiar with everything. Put petrol in. Practices parking in Tesco. Everything. Instead of foolishly and pig headedly thinking I could master it alone.
Now I'm too proud.

@Iusedtobecarmen I get what you mean and I think 90% of people still look at certain parking spaces and think ‘only if I’ve got no other choice’. Thinking that doesn’t make you a bad driver or even an anxious driver. People just generally like to pick the easier option. You’re not crap at driving, you wouldn’t have passed if you were crap. You might have moments that you’re crap but we all do. Halfway through lockdown and I hadn’t driven for 8 weeks, I pulled out with my handbrake still on. Wondered whether it had always been that sluggish to drive or if it had seized a bit with not being driven. Nope, just me, being a bit crap. It happens.

If someone does think you’re crap at driving, they’re not someone you’ll see again. Unless it’s the DC but they aren’t reliable sources for driving. A colleague’s DC told their mum that they thought daddy (my colleague) was a better driver because he was much quicker

Take some of your attitude from elsewhere in your life and bring it into your driving. I think it probably started that you were late to driving because you didn’t think you’d like it. Then you started driving and it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Now every time you have to drive, you don’t like it which builds it up to something even bigger in your head that you don’t like.

Maybe try dropping your expectations. You don’t have to love driving and you certainly don’t have to enjoy driving in all scenarios but it allows you to do x, y and z. I hate driving into work, I really hate driving in our city but it’s necessary evil if I want to go to work or if I want to see friends but I love motorway driving. I’m much happier driving 100+ miles on a motorway to our HQ rather than 30 miles to my workplace on back roads and stuck in traffic.

I've done the handbrake thing too and was only when I stopped and went to put the handbrake on I raised it was already on

Thankfully that's one error I don't seem to do anymore.
I need to get out on a drive tomorrow. As missing a day does me no favours.

Realised *

I tried to drive off the other day with the handbrake on and I've been driving 14 years now.

Honestly though op by dithering and worrying all you're doing is reinforcing your fears. Pick somewhere you want to go and drive there tomorrow. Just get up, and go. Even if you don't stop you're still achieving something.

I am definitely getting up tomorrow early and going for a drive.
Then I'm planning a couple more trips for jobs that need doing. I'm mad that.i havent been out today in car
I needed some wine but DH popped out. I'm building everything up to an issue all the time. Now it's too late as I've poured wine.

@Iusedtobecarmen I’m going to make myself drive every day until my “big drive” next Friday - if you want to check in for support 😄🙌
Yesterday I did a 30 min drive on a dual carriageway, fine except I was a little nervous joining it.
Today I drove to local supermarket, fine except I wanted to stop at a park on the way home (Kids were with me) , missed the turning which flummoxed me and ended up just going home.
I don’t have to commute to work & didn’t drive all through lockdown - I need to tackle it this time .

I hate it too sometimes. A year isn't long. Maybe just focus on manoeuvres and parking...have refreshers just on these? My dp had a new car a year ago and I still haven't driven it, it's got hill starts and automatic handbrakes which scare me. I've been in situations where I was parked too close and couldn't get out, once I had to reverse up a long hill with parked cars each side...can't drive backwards in a straight line! I've been driving for years but still get in a cold sweat at times, and don't like driving other people. But I don't worry about manoeuvres any more...if I need to do a 15 point turn then so be it!

Oh dear OP - it sounds like you've got yourself into a self fuelled anxiety:

I'm maybe not the best person to respond as I love cars and driving but regardless some suggestions/comments.

1. I think a pp nailed it wrt the expectation that once you've passed your test you are a "driver". Lessons do not make up for years of experience on the road so please don't be hard in yourself.

1. Following from the above, experience is key. Driving is a skill and you only improve the more you do it. I appreciate it's hard to get in the car when you have an alternate and feel anxious but taking every opportunity you can to drive (especially on familiar routes) is important.

1. Parking. After I'd passed my test at 17 my DF said there was no way I'd be let loose on DM's car until he knew I could park. He had a point in that the test really doesn't help much in this regard. So DF and I spent a day in the car with me parking under every scenario you could imagine. Pub car parks, supermarkets, high streets etc. Designated spaces, parallel parking etc again and again.

It was brilliant in the sense I learned more about parking in that day than 7 months of lessons. How to pick a space, how to reverse into one etc because it's all about the angles. Again - practice. Do you have someone who would calmly do this with you?

1. Other drivers. You obviously have to be aware but again with respect to a pp's advice if you're concerned the best option is always to safely pull over. It doesn't matter what they think of you as long as you are being safe. I'd also suggest a "P" plate so other drivers know you're a newbie. I'm definitely conscious of being extra tolerant of "L" and "P" plates.

1. I wouldn't advocate having music on when you're a new driver. I definitely think the inner monologue is good idea.

1. It's your space. Embrace it. I love my car. I look after it. It's where I can relax alone, enjoy my music (sorry that's contradicting the point above but I'm an experienced driver) and frankly love the experience of driving especially on good roads and perfect conditions.

Good luck OP