To need some serious guidance on how to be a good and confident driver

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Hi all,
Late to driving.Passed in a auto last year . First time.
Bought a car pretty much straightaway. On finance , small ,but quite expensive. Had no savings so no option. Didn't want to get a cheapo old banger in case it broke down.

So it was all way harder than I anticipated. Took a while to get how this car works,as very different to one I learned in.
Everything and I mean everything, makes me anxious.
I have a sat nav and am generally great at map reading but every single journey, even short ones I have done before, I over think and plan.
Parking then stresses me even more. What if I can't find a space or get back out?
Nearly a year on from buying my car im really no further along.
I try and get in the car everyday as the fear is definitely worse after a few days. I still dread it.

I have been no where of any insignificance in this time.
If i can get the bus I will.
I use public transport to work(tbf,it's easier).
I had extra lessons a while ago in my car and the instructor car too. Not any help as I was fine with her next to me.
Not a real life situation.
When I know I haven't got to drive I feel relaxed. Went away for the weekend and it was lovely
Went in the car last night to the shops and felt ill. I could not wait to get back. All I can think of whilst im the supermarket is getting back in the car and getting back home.
This anxiety is crippling me.
I've just started CBT but only had 2 sessions so far. Therapist is asking me to get back to basics and start with short journies and build up. This isn't massively helpful as I've done several short journies to death and I still hate it.
The confident side of my personality has me driving all sorts of lovely places. Days out at the zoo with dc, meeting friends but this just is not happening

I'm beginning to think I need some kind of help from GP -sertraline or similar.
I have no one in real life to talk to as DH gets very irritated as he says he's given me advice and I don't follow it. So if I as much mention I'm anxious he rolls his eyes. I have a close sibling who is a bit hot headed and outspoken who just says "oh you need to just get out more, i love my car!"
I dont mention it at work as then people (with good intention) just ask how my driving is and where have I been
It just draws attention to the issue and then people overhear and join in!
Please be gentle and don't say I'm a danger on the road as I so often see this this on other threads.

Oh OP I could have written this post too! Thank you to all the poster who have shared their tips for staying calm and feeling confident and less anxious, I'm going to try and put some of these into practice too. I really need to keep in mind the getting from a to b safely, I think I'm very worried all the time about pissing other drivers off which is silly as I'm actively tying to be aware of everyone else and courteous and safe. And t doesn't help that my DP is a very confident and competent driver and a TERRIBLE passenger....he works v hard at staying calm but a) I can sense his own anxiety next to me which clearly makes me feel worse and b) in the interests of helping me improve he picks up on every little thing, like if my road positioning goes just slightly off where he thinks it should he says 'watch out' or something, which obviously makes me incredibly tense, and makes me doubt my abilities so much.

To all the people recommending the IAM course for advanced driving - can you do it if you're definitely not an advanced driver to start with? Ie if you're more of an 'I passed my test my didn't have a car at that point so then didn't drive for several years, and now only drive occasionally because I force myself to do it, but with my partner - haven't actually driven by myself....'

Haven't had chance to read the whole thread but when I first passed I used to go out often late at night, usually with a friend for company/support but sometimes on my own. I'd drive for a couple of hours from say 10pm to midnight when the roads were quiet, drive into car parks and practice reverse parking, I'd do a combination of quiet narrow dark country lanes and town driving, I just got used to being in the car and being comfortable with it without the pressure of loads of traffic about. Appreciate this might be harder if you've got DC, but definitely recommend trying it if you can.

Ah lemony I was wondering the same about the IAM.
It sounds like something an already confident driver would do to up their skills.
My DH is also a very very experienced driver.i have not been in my car once with him. Hes definitely the type to say "watch out".
He wouldn't mean to be horrible, but he would put me off.
On the other hand I'd quite like someone with me in one way just to be honest that am I ok??
I also worry about coming into a complicated junction of some other situation and doing something stupid.
I know road signs and markings dont change but sometimes you literally can't see what to do or where to go till you get close!

Howfast*
I have/ still do this. Usually early mornings. Clearly not enough though.
I also desperately need parking practice.

This is another area if high anxiety as I'm terrified of getting stuck or not about to get into a space.

I've read a bit more now, and I just wanted to say OP that you shouldn't worry about 'getting into scrapes' - everyone does it! I've done all of the following and more, some after many years of driving, and managed to get out of it intact and with nothing more than dented pride (and in one case a dented panel) !

• Took a wrong turn onto a very narrow and steep dead end street and needed the assistance of a passing man to reverse out for me

• Ripped my tyre to shreds on a hidden lump of granite in a verge when pulling in to let someone pass.

• Got the angle wrong in a multi-storey car park and got my back passenger side kind of wedged on a pillar. Again required passing heroes to help me out of it.

• Met a car coming the other way on a narrow hill that I wasn't capable of reversing back up at the time. We had a mexican stand-off until he reversed back down (which he should done in the first place, it's easier to reverse down than up).

• Missed a stop sign in a French village and was heartily yelled at by a French postman.

• Parked near a friends place I was staying overnight and unknowingly blocked the entrance to a building site who all turned up at 6am and were quite testy by the time I got there at 8am.

• Stalled at a roundabout and couldn't get the car restarted for what seemed like an hour; approximately 2 minutes in reality.

• Had an issue a few weeks ago where my stop-start wasn't working and without acceleration I had to literally crawl down a road to somewhere I could pull in, with cars behind me.

• Got pulled over for braking too much (I'd missed a turning and had a bit of a panic)

• Had people follow me for a good couple of miles at 25mph in a 40mph as the road was quite bendy and I refuse to overtake cyclists unless it's VERY safe to do so.

Nothing bad came of any of the above, I've had to sit here and rack my brains to remember them! If anything I've realised that people are often more willing to help than we think they are, and if people are sometimes stuck a few minutes behind you while you make a safe manoeuvre then so what?? I do hope I haven't inadvertently given you more cause for worry with the above, I just want to assure you that everyone does these things and they're really no big deal.

Good Luck OP; honestly if you can get to grips with it the freedom it will open up to you compared to public transport or lifts from DH is amazing x

OP I know EXACTLY what you mean re. Wanting someone there just to say yep, you're ok, yep, you're not doing anything stupid etc. But yes, likewise my DP is just not the ideal person for that, much as I adore him, and he does try very hard to give off calm vibes but at the end of the day, he's far from relaxed when I'm driving! So it just makes me feel like I'm not very good and makes me less confident, when objectively I know I'm ok, and (because of my lack of experience and confidence) I give driving my utmost respect and concentration, whereas I know lots of people are perhaps less safe because they're over confident and only giving it half their attention as a result.

I had a lovely driving instructor - ex police advanced driver so not only was his observance and anticipation of what everyone around us was about to do second to none, but he just gave off this air of absolutely nothing could phase him, so it made me feel like I was doing fine, and so more confident.

To all the people saying they did a few silly things etc to start with and / or felt nervous to begin with and they just had to keep on doing it and it gradually improved, thank you, it is very helpful.

Or my DP does the classic Hyacinth Bucket 'watch that cyclist!'...'I am watching the cyclist, yes....' 'watch out for that car!' 'Yes, I am watching out for that car', 'it's 30 here!' 'Yep, I know, that's why I'm doing 28....'....

@Nowisthemonthofmaying

I think - counterintuitively - instead of doing lots of short trips you need to do a couple of really long ones. I was super anxious about driving after I passed my test and then didn't drive for a couple of years. In the end I had to do a 6 hour journey somewhere and after the first hour or so I was totally fine. I think if you're just driving for ten minutes or something you don't really give yourself enough time to appreciate the fact that you're driving and you can do it and then you can calm down a bit.

Even now, if I don't drive for a while I can feel myself start to get a bit flustered again. But if I'm driving regularly I do enjoy it!

I agree. Sounds like half your trouble is parking - you only need to do that once per journey, whether it's 10 minutes or two hours! Is your partner critical and unhelpful? It seems to me that with a supportive partner, sharing the driving on holiday would be ideal - he could help you choose the easier parts of the journey.

My partner will be actively helpful as a codriver, e.g. in a confusing area, he will read and interpret the sat nav for me. He's also emotionally supportive, just little things like saying well done after a stressful manoeuvre, or "don't worry there's no rush" if I'm stressed out by someone tailgating me. It makes all the difference compared to a critical codriver.

I feel like everyone knows I'm a new driver. That everyone behind me is annoyed!!

This might be the thing to discuss in CBT. Has your therapist mentioned "mind reading"? It's a common cognitive distortion where we assume others are thinking certain things about us, without any evidence.

Honestly, most people are thinking "what shall I have for tea?", one or two might be annoyed (but so what, you can't keep the whole world happy, and maybe they are not nice people anyway), another few might be remembering how hard they used to find driving, and another one might be relieved because they can just trundle behind you and not have to worry about what speed to go at (I often feel like this if not in a hurry ).

@thinkingg
Yes that's a very good point about only having to park once!!!
My DH is supportive but I don't think he would be a good passenger with me
And I do worry that i would take a helpful comment the wrong way.

@HowFastIsTooFast

Hilarious
No it's made things worse thanks
Any one if those would finish me off!!!

@Iusedtobecarmen Nooo I'm sorry, that was so not my intention! All of those things seemed like a big deal to me at the time (sweaty hands, panic, racing heart) but they came and they went, nobody was hurt, no harm done, lessons learned from them and now they're just distant/funny memories x

This thread has been super helpful. I have driving anxiety, though I’ve been driving now for 20 years. For me I get incredibly stressed to the point of panic if I have to drive anywhere unfamiliar - my fear is that I may get lost, stuck in a narrow lane or not be able to find anywhere to park. Sat nav is only a partial reassurance.

Honestly I used to be the same, I remember sitting in college always in the last class and my stomach clenching because I knew I had to get in the car soon and try and get out of the car park. A couple of times I had to get my friend from college to get me out of awkward parking spaces I'd gotten myself into . Used to also hate motorways and especially country roads.

I'm not nervous now, I started to just realise that I have as much right to be on the road as anyone else and if I make a mistake then I apologise and learn from it, if someone's up my arse I go at my own pace, if I'm at a junction I go at my own pace. I just block out everyone else on the road, and it really did work for me.

Don't get me wrong, although I'm not nervous, there are certain roundabouts I can get pretty nervous at still but I usually put the air conditioning on blast and talk to myself in those instances

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but just wanted to say I understand. I've been driving 30 years, but my anxiety makes it very difficult. I've driven 250 miles on the motorway about 8 times, but it hasn't helped. I could do it, but I'm not less anxious about driving now.

I know I'm a very competent driver, but I worry I'll make a stupid split second decision. I do find sat nav helps and planning ahead. I look at the area I'm driving to/ through in detail beforehand, so I know what to expect.

But really I need to deal with my anxiety.

Good luck, hope you find something that helps.

I was a very nervous driver for the first 4 and a half years. I hated manoeuvres and worrying about being in the wrong lane. I eventually was fine with local journeys, but panicked everytime I had to go anywhere near the city.
What changed it for me was my husband had to work abroad, so it meant I had to do all the driving if I didn’t then it would mean the kids missing out. I still used park and ride for city centre but I drove to visit family ( a 7 hour journey ) several times.

Since then I have been a more confident driver. I Eventually moved countries and even though the driving standards here are worse than uk, I don’t feel nervous at all.

I recommend speaking with your husband about how driving makes you feel at the moment and possibly volunteering to do any family driving rather than your husband and possibly do a few longer drives.

Do you actually need to drive? It doesn’t sound like you do?

You don’t have to if you hate it so much.

But if you do want to, I would suggest some more lessons to help practice and build up confidence. The only way out is through!

I sit in with friends who are nervous, mostly because apparently I don't stress them out
Everyone thinks I'm a really confident driver. I'm not
I could happily get on a motorway and drive from Cornwall to Cumbria without blinking. But ask me to drive in a busy city centre and... no. I hate it with a passion. It's ok if a familiar area but somewhere with loads of junctions and tram lines and one way streets and I really struggle!
Practice definitely is the way forward and not everyone is as confident as they seem. I'm still convinced I can't parallel park as I never need to do it, but I can and do it first time when I have done

When I eventually passed my test 4th go I was anxious about getting lost. This was before sat nav or even internet so if I wanted to go somewhere I was not familiar with the route I’d have to look at paper maps and try to memorise. I got lost on plenty of occasions. Sat nav really is a boon.

In your case OP it is just practice.

Thanks everyone
@Givemeabreakpls. Yes that's me. All of those except getting lost. That doeant worry me really(prob as I've never gone that far) as im pretty confident direction wise.
@ilovesausages
I suppose I don't need to drive,no. I want to. I really want to like it!!or at least not fuss about it.
I also can't carry on feeling like this either. It's horrendous.

@Oncemorewithfeelin
He knows how I feel but it's all getting a bit tedious now after so long. He would happily come with me, let me drive etc
But although he supports me he does not get it.
I think he would say something with meaning to upset me

Also,I kind of think I've been muddling along by myself so long now That the moment of asking for (basic) help has passed.
And I won't ask anyone alarm as I've played down how I feel to everyone else. I've had to . Otherwise I get twenty questions every time I see them.
I'm hoping the CBT will kick in.
I went on a short supermarket drive yesterday which was fine but it's familiar. I haven't been out today as I've talked myself out of it.
I could have popped put to get a few things but it wasnt strictly necessary so got out of it.
I think I need a few more very early starts to get my confidence up.
Today I had a day off but I was too tired to get up early

@whenwewereyoung
That's me. With the college thing I'm like that with work. Either dashing out first before there s a queue of people. Or dragging it out so I'm last out the building.
I'm the same with every journey tbh.
Even if it's just Tesco. My mind is half on getting back to the car and getting back home.
This is minimised by parking in a place I know I will almost 100% Will have no issue and to be honest I make this a priority.
I think anothr issue that i have no control over is where i live.
As I live near a city, all of the roads are busy. Traffic is awful. Always roadworks, diversions. Aggressive drivers.
Then I go on holiday to quieter towns and I think it must be a joy to drive there.

I passed my test 5 years ago and a slight blip not long after made me really lose my confidence. I tried to carry on driving but I'd be in a constant state of anxiety and always questioned myself which led to a lot of self doubt. After a few more attempts at driving, I completely gave up.

Despite me not driving, my husband and I still continued to pay for me to be insured on his car 'just in case'.

Lockdown has done wonders for me! I always used to rely on public transport but seeing as it was limited during lockdown, I HAD to get in the car and drive! Now, I drive pretty much every day.

I still panic about parking but I think now that even if it takes 30 attempts (5 attempts is my highest) to park up and I do so without hitting anything or anybody, it's a job well done.

Another thing I've done is each time I'm out, I try and do something a little different so I'm not stuck in the same rut of driving the same route.

My Mum finds it hilarious because whenever I do something new, I always shout 'She's done it!' even if I'm the only one in the car lol.

You'll get there, I promise. Just try and do something little that's out of your comfort zone and once you realise that's not too bad, move on to something else :)

Good luck! :)