To need some serious guidance on how to be a good and confident driver

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Hi all,
Late to driving.Passed in a auto last year . First time.
Bought a car pretty much straightaway. On finance , small ,but quite expensive. Had no savings so no option. Didn't want to get a cheapo old banger in case it broke down.

So it was all way harder than I anticipated. Took a while to get how this car works,as very different to one I learned in.
Everything and I mean everything, makes me anxious.
I have a sat nav and am generally great at map reading but every single journey, even short ones I have done before, I over think and plan.
Parking then stresses me even more. What if I can't find a space or get back out?
Nearly a year on from buying my car im really no further along.
I try and get in the car everyday as the fear is definitely worse after a few days. I still dread it.

I have been no where of any insignificance in this time.
If i can get the bus I will.
I use public transport to work(tbf,it's easier).
I had extra lessons a while ago in my car and the instructor car too. Not any help as I was fine with her next to me.
Not a real life situation.
When I know I haven't got to drive I feel relaxed. Went away for the weekend and it was lovely
Went in the car last night to the shops and felt ill. I could not wait to get back. All I can think of whilst im the supermarket is getting back in the car and getting back home.
This anxiety is crippling me.
I've just started CBT but only had 2 sessions so far. Therapist is asking me to get back to basics and start with short journies and build up. This isn't massively helpful as I've done several short journies to death and I still hate it.
The confident side of my personality has me driving all sorts of lovely places. Days out at the zoo with dc, meeting friends but this just is not happening

I'm beginning to think I need some kind of help from GP -sertraline or similar.
I have no one in real life to talk to as DH gets very irritated as he says he's given me advice and I don't follow it. So if I as much mention I'm anxious he rolls his eyes. I have a close sibling who is a bit hot headed and outspoken who just says "oh you need to just get out more, i love my car!"
I dont mention it at work as then people (with good intention) just ask how my driving is and where have I been
It just draws attention to the issue and then people overhear and join in!
Please be gentle and don't say I'm a danger on the road as I so often see this this on other threads.

I have music on

I talk to myself as I go along too.
The poster that said a longer drive may be better, that a good point.
The setting off and thinking about it prior is the worst bit.
Occasionally I have driven to work. After 10 min it's better but then I dread the coming back!!
I might look at this advanced driving.
I'd like someone with me ideally but then I think I'm better on my own. DH is out of the question.
I won't ask friends or relatives as like I said, all I get is just do it more and you be fine. That or a million questions that make me more anxious.
I'm terrified that I'm gonna make a huge mistake whilst driving or get into a predicament I can't get out of. Like reversing on a but street with loads of traffic or dpung a million manoeveres to get out if a space.
I've come to accept perhaps I'm just not going to ever like driving
I won't a Jeremy Clarkson but I'd like to feel safe and calm and not dread or avoid every single journey
Its exhausting

I won't ever be a Jeremy Clarkson **

@theunhappybunny
What s your solution

Tbh I don’t think your problem is driving or driving skill, it’s your anxiety. I’m remember starting out being nervous but nowhere on your scale (thinking about it in the supermarket etc). The answer will be doing something to manage your anxiety, not driving lessons imo

Yes elephant
I kind of agree
I'm not sure my skills e.g. manoevering and parking are brilliant though bit tgey never will be as i
dont do them enough

I can't go on like this though. It's ruining my days.
I dont want to keep over analysing like this. Before I go out I'm planning every detail
Or if I can walk, get bus instead. It's a hindrance not a benefit.
Ironically I was happier before I drove .
As lock down eases the dc will be recommencing sports and I'm already thinking how the he'll can I ferry them to unknown places with tiny rammed car parks?!

Try not to worry about annoying other drivers. If you need to slow down or pull in then do so, as long as its not sudden. DH is a very experienced driver, passed years before I did, but he will often miss a turn off or parking space because "someone is behind". I find it ridiculous that he doesn't plan ahead enough to slow down and, yes, make people wait. Also perfect the polite apology, shrug or wave, take the blame if someone is annoyed, they'll soon be gone

I’m driving 20 years and drive about 40k km a year normally, but I still hate parking - particularly if I have an audience! Try not to focus on the parking issue yet. Focus on being less anxious on short drives where parking won’t be an issue. The parking will come. You can use a few strategies as well to minimise the parking issue - park furthest from door in the less popular sections - car lovers often do this to lessen the chance of getting songs from car doors, or arrive early so you lessen the chance of an audience. I’ve find parking sensors great and won’t have a car without them now.

*ding not songs!!

I know this sounds daft but it got me through my test and has got me through every drive I’ve been anxious about: All I need to do is get from a to b safely. Ie if I pay attention to what’s going on around me, if I keep calm and if I stop (safely!) if I need to, then it will be ok.

My driving anxiety stems from worrying I’ll piss other drivers off. I don’t know why, I’m a perfectly competent and reasonable driver.

You won't get gentle and decent advice on here. This is the forum where all the jolly hockeysticks wannabes can't wait to show someone a bit of "tough love", all under the proviso of "it's AIBU, if a poster didn't want to hear it she should have posted elsewhere, it's a robust forum".

And yet this hasn't happened...

@CaptainVanesHair
Yes!I'm worried too about pissing people off. Don't know why as outside of driving I'm perfectly fine

I was like you until I did a few track days. The first one had a classroom session where a racing driver broke down some of the physics of what happened when you did different things in the car, where the weight went, the sort of thing and something clicked in my brain. Knowing that made it so much easier to know what the car was going to do and that made me more confident.

We then had one to one sessions on the track and learned how to out those things into practice. It's fab because it's a different type of instruction and it covers things that my driving instructor had never mentioned.

@Elephant10 i read an old mumsnet thread too re: driving. Poster on there said break journies into 2 parts, driving then parking. I found that useful as atm i just panic about the whole thing.

Honestly something like the getting stuck or having to do a million point turn in a busy street etc will happen at some point but it's ok. The main thing in those situations is you are very unlikely to damage a person and in all likelihood you will just get on with it and sort it out. The fear of doing it is worse than the reality in those cases. But yes, a long drive is the answer I think.

Another thing I do if I'm feeling anxious is look at my route on Google maps. If car park a is full, where is another one? That sort of thing.

And honestly, if you get stuck, don't worry. Just take it slow, get out to look if needed and you'll be fine.

I used to be such a nervous driver OP and wouldn’t drive anywhere outside of my hometown. What I found was practice with a trusted friend or relative in the car really helped me. I now drive most places on my own.

I always park as far away from the supermarket doors anyway.
I know a tricky situation or situations will occur at some point but I feel I wish I could gain some experience before it happens.
I'm almost embarrassed to say I've had a not far off a year and I've haven't been anywhere. Just work supermarket, park and some short shop journeys
None of which I even need a car for!!
I wish i hadn't bought the thing.

So you passed your test and you've had extra lessons therefor you can drive but it's your confidence getting in the way.
When I was learning to drive I was very anxious and felt like I was doing everything wrong and everyone else on the road knew it. Then one day I was passanger in the car and sil was driving, she had just passed her test and was driving cautiously but confidently with guidance from dp and I realised that my driving was just as good as hers. It was like a switch flicked in my head and the next time I drove I felt so much more confident.

So I think for you to gain confidence you have to realise you are a capable driver. Everyone makes errors like stalling every now and again. We've all been there in a tricky spot in the parking lot but if the worst came to the worst you could ask someone to help you.... But that's not going to happen. Trust your judgement and do the manoeuvres. They don't have to be perfect every time as long as you are safely maneuvering the car. No one has a spot light on you watching your every move. Just take your time. You can do it

@Rhine
That would help me too but I have no one I can ask
Well no one who wouldn't make me feel worse.
I'm quite a proud person so it would have to be the right type if person.

@Delbelleber
That's exactly it. I feel like everyone knows I'm a new driver. That everyone behind me is annoyed!!. I'm going too slow, in wrong lane. List goes on.

Sorry but the only way to get over it is to get out there . It's not going to happen overnight but confidence is something that is built up so that means driving every day to work not just occasionally. Set off earlier so you have plenty of time but you really need to do it or it'll never get better ,
I hate driving anywhere I don't know but I do it because I know if I don't I'd never go anywhere I didn't know and that's not why I passed my test .

One of the answers is to drive a lot, like thousands of miles a year. There is nothing like knowing you have come across nearly every type of road, driver, weather and awkward parking situation to give you the confidence to get out and about and just get on with getting around without even thinking about it.
I hate sat navs. I come from the generations that used maps and I just can't get used to a sat nav, but then I rarely need it anyway. You don't have to use a sat nav if you don't want to - there's no shame in that. I was terribly nervous as a learner (at 17). Even driving down the high street brought me out in a sweat. I went on to become a police advanced driver in my 30s and I still love driving, so fear can be overcome.
How about a long drive? Go down a motorway and stop at all the services so you can practice parking as well? You might learn to relax over a longer period.
If you really, really dislike driving though, there is no law that says you have to. Life's too short to be forcing you self to do things that frighten you.

I had this for a couple of years after passing. It will get better eventually.

Leaving early for everything takes the pressure off. So it doesn't matter if you end up going the wrong way sometimes, you have your satnav and will get there eventually. Or if there isn't a good parking spot you can wait until there is or park further and walk.

Remember that, because you're so alert, you're safer than most drivers on the road.

Thanks for starting this OP as I am the same.

I’m finding these comments very reassuring, especially @Nowisthemonthofmaying as I have to do a long drive on my own next week for the first time 😬

Hi OP,

I HATE driving, but I've accepted I have to do it. I used to be so anxious - if I had to go anywhere else besides work/shops, i'd obsessively check the google maps route for days before the trip and get myself worked up in a huge tizz/wouldn't sleep.

The only thing that's worked for me is to push myself to drive more, and gain the confidence.

I used to doubt myself a lot, but i've learnt to trust my judgement and driving skills more and more. Each trip that I 'complete' is like a little success and you should reward yourself with a little treat :)

Everybody makes mistakes, and it isn't the end of the world if you make one while driving, just take it slow and take your time.