To need some serious guidance on how to be a good and confident driver

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Hi all,
Late to driving.Passed in a auto last year . First time.
Bought a car pretty much straightaway. On finance , small ,but quite expensive. Had no savings so no option. Didn't want to get a cheapo old banger in case it broke down.

So it was all way harder than I anticipated. Took a while to get how this car works,as very different to one I learned in.
Everything and I mean everything, makes me anxious.
I have a sat nav and am generally great at map reading but every single journey, even short ones I have done before, I over think and plan.
Parking then stresses me even more. What if I can't find a space or get back out?
Nearly a year on from buying my car im really no further along.
I try and get in the car everyday as the fear is definitely worse after a few days. I still dread it.

I have been no where of any insignificance in this time.
If i can get the bus I will.
I use public transport to work(tbf,it's easier).
I had extra lessons a while ago in my car and the instructor car too. Not any help as I was fine with her next to me.
Not a real life situation.
When I know I haven't got to drive I feel relaxed. Went away for the weekend and it was lovely
Went in the car last night to the shops and felt ill. I could not wait to get back. All I can think of whilst im the supermarket is getting back in the car and getting back home.
This anxiety is crippling me.
I've just started CBT but only had 2 sessions so far. Therapist is asking me to get back to basics and start with short journies and build up. This isn't massively helpful as I've done several short journies to death and I still hate it.
The confident side of my personality has me driving all sorts of lovely places. Days out at the zoo with dc, meeting friends but this just is not happening

I'm beginning to think I need some kind of help from GP -sertraline or similar.
I have no one in real life to talk to as DH gets very irritated as he says he's given me advice and I don't follow it. So if I as much mention I'm anxious he rolls his eyes. I have a close sibling who is a bit hot headed and outspoken who just says "oh you need to just get out more, i love my car!"
I dont mention it at work as then people (with good intention) just ask how my driving is and where have I been
It just draws attention to the issue and then people overhear and join in!
Please be gentle and don't say I'm a danger on the road as I so often see this this on other threads.

@Iusedtobecarmen hi OP I was you many years ago. Then I got a job that involved driving a lot and I mean a lot. Like hours a day. It was awful for about 6 months but it cured me of my driving anxiety. My parking anxiety was sorted by taking advanced driving lessons and just doing parking over and over and over again. I am now a really really good, confident and safe driver - and parker. So I think you should just persevere- and get yourself trained in advanced driving too - it will really give you confidence.good luck

Practice, practice,practice!

I was you for years, biggest mistake was not getting a car straight away, then getting a car just before having a baby. All far too stressful and in the meantime we'd moved so not even roads I'd learnt on!! DH was also a big driver so always did the weekend longer distanced stuff.

That was 12 years ago, I'm still not perfect - an hour journey is a long way to me and I still can't do the motorway, but I'm getting there slowly....

hey OP, I'm similar in that I'm late to driving and highly anxious.
I've had person-centred counselling and am on AD's which helps.
The biggest thing that helped me was my mum paid for me to do my advanced driving course (IAM) once I passed my test. She lent me her wee car to do it in so I didn;t go straight to driving the family car. I have to say I do recommend IAM.
Its not instructors, its normal people who teach you how to drive carefully and slowly. It really helped me calm down and I finally nailed parallel parking! Its only about £150 but you get so much out of it. There is a test but you don't do it until you're ready. Have a look at the Institute of Advanced Motoring website

Finally, I am more confident at driving tho I do sweat nervously still!
If it helps, I do Google street view any new places or car parks before I leave!!
Good luck!!

Great. A thread about lots of anxious drivers on actual roads in charge of vehicles that cause accidents and can kill people.

Some really good advice here. I agree with the suggestion of planning longer trips- a specific destination, not just driving around- and talking yourself through what you’re doing as you drive. I found this calming when I first got a car.

Practice is the only way. I got my HGV license two years ago and it was like learning everything again. I can now happily drive a 32 tonner around the city centre in rush hour without breaking a sweat.

I think there’ll be a lot of recent/occasional drivers feeling anxious at the moment as we have a largely been off the roads for a few months.

As has been said above, the main thing is to get out there and drive at every given opportunity.

And take up your DH on his offer, I had to have someone spend quite a bit of time showing me how to parallel park properly after I passed my test. So what?

It took me five attempts before I passed my test. I was a very nervous driver. I used to become very anxious hours before I knew I had to drive somewhere.

The only thing that finally made me a confident driver who can now even go on motorways without being scared (never thought that would happen) was experience. You’ve just to keep getting out there.

@gluteustothemaximus

Great. A thread about lots of anxious drivers on actual roads in charge of vehicles that cause accidents and can kill people.

Oh bore off. Are you perfect at everything?

No one is good at everything right away, and I'd take an anxious driver over a Tanner Foust wannabe any day.

I'm so glad - in a perverse way - to have found my people. Also find driving really difficult......in my case meno brain which means I can't think/ react so fast as I used to.
BUT I have just been out for a 20 m drive on my own, tackling roundabouts which are my nemesis. there were more cars than I thought at 630 am ( where is everyone going?) but it was certainly much easier than trying to drive later in the day. & I have also booked refresher drivinglessons for over the school hols so I can try & overcome this phobia.
I wouldn't have done either of these if it hadnt have been for this thread so thank you, all of you for helpful & constructive advice. Perhaps we need a thread somewhere where we can share our very small victories?

I was a very nervous driver with multiple failed driving tests. I struggled to get over the fact I was in charge of a machine I could in theory kill someone with. It made me hesitant and nervous. It also took me ages to be able to physically get in gear, use the clutch without having to think of it. Once that all became more automatic, I was able to fully concentrate on the road.

After I passed I would only drive to one friends house as I knew there was only one roundabout to tackle!

My parents made me practice and I'm so grateful they did. I moved to a large busy city where the driving is quite aggressive and it was quick a culture shock. Driving does not phase me at all now.

Please take the pressure off yourself though, finding driving difficult does not make you a bad person.

I learned to drive in my mid twenties when I moved to a rural area (where I still live) from London. Public transport is pretty much non-existent here and it was a matter of learn to drive or never work in the job area I do. I learned quickly and had a bad experience with the first car I brought, which was an old banger where the breaks intermittently cut out! Scared the hell out of me and although I changed cars the fear continued.

I remember the day I passed my test I couldn't get in the car and drive alone afterwards. I made myself drive round the block and spent 45 mins in a car park half way psyching myself up for the second half.

I kept driving but only very locally and 'bigger drives' even 20 mins away on national speed limits gave me huge anxiety.

Also, not aided by exH who I met during this time who was a confident driver happy to drive us everywhere.

After 2 years I changed jobs and had to drive to a city over an hour away which involved a 2 lane motorway and a little bit of city driving. It was a huge change and took me a while to adjust (I was doing practice runs at 6 am on Sunday mornings before the job started and used the satnav as a safety behaviour for over a year!). However this really helped my confidence. I was able to drive all over Wales at this point, which really helped.

Recently I drove out of Wales to Bristol for the first time and experienced the same anxiety, even though I've now been driving for 7 years. However this time I realised I am capable and I do know what I am doing.

I guess what I'm saying is, for me, the key was to keep going. To build up the journeys and the confidence and to accept that I will feel anxious at each new 'level' but that I can and will still do it. I too used to worry about pissing people off, about people thinking I'm incompetent and irritating. I really think the only way to get passed it, is to keep going and keep trying and pushing through the fear. Carry on with the CBT, that could definitely be helpful.

@PetuniaClark

I'm so glad - in a perverse way - to have found my people. Also find driving really difficult......in my case meno brain which means I can't think/ react so fast as I used to. BUT I have just been out for a 20 m drive on my own, tackling roundabouts which are my nemesis. there were more cars than I thought at 630 am ( where is everyone going?) but it was certainly much easier than trying to drive later in the day. & I have also booked refresher drivinglessons for over the school hols so I can try & overcome this phobia. I wouldn't have done either of these if it hadnt have been for this thread so thank you, all of you for helpful & constructive advice. Perhaps we need a thread somewhere where we can share our very small victories?

@CliffordDanger I'd be up for such a thread!

sorry, tagged wrong person, oops

Ah @PetuniaClark.
I'm just reading messages I've missed as working all weekend)
Well done.
Defo need to share our victories.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels like me.
I've read one negative post about anxious drivers being dangerous. Well thanks a lot!
Being anxious isn't great, but neither is being over confident which many, many, drivers are in my opinion.
Before i went to work yesterday, i went out in my car. 2 people overtook me on a 30mph road

I was doing 31mph
So just why are people in such a hurry?

And I cpuld give up as per the bungee jumping get thing, but also, encouragingly, lots of you are saying you got better with practice. And aren't bothered now. I guess I've gotta give it a bit longer.

I'm a lot like you, I passed in an auto 2 years ago now and I had such bad anxiety about driving. Literally the only thing that helped me is where I worked made me redundant so I got a new job as a HCP in the community and I am in my car all the time. I've changed from a small car to a tank as I call it, but because I drive so much, at least 15-20 hours per week of driving it's got ris of the anxiety.
If I am driving somewhere new I look at a map, and then do street view/satellite view on google maps and then in the day have my sat nav it's the only way I can do it.

@Osirus
Lovely post. Thank you

Update.
I've had another CBT sèssion and feeling a bit more positive.
Next stage is to challenge my negative thoughts and and find any evidence for
them. For example, worried that I'm going to get in a situation i can't handle and has it actually happened.
Then next stage is to set some driving goals.

Has anyone had CBT for driving anxiety and it been successful in the sense that they can jump in the car and go where they want to ?

Good to hear you think the CBT may be helpful. I really should try that but struggle to see how it would help me so keen to read about your experiences.

Hi @Elbbob
I'm now starting to think the CBT maybe won't help!
It's great to talk things through and I know What I should do but actually doing it is another thing.
The therapist recommended doing a small unfamiliar journey at a quiet time Sunday
It's all very well doing that and that's doable-its then doing it at a normal time of day.
It's crazy that driving is holding me back not giving me freedom.
I'm also getting anxious now that DC sporting activities are starting back.
They Will have various completions in all sorts if locations, something I thought I'd relish. I can't keep doing practice runs for every place I may need to go. It's not even a question of being lost , more of being out of my depth.

Competitions*

Another shout out for the Institute of Advanced Motorists. I did their advanced driving course 20 years ago, 15 years after I passed my test. I'd been driving the whole time, but just wanted to feel more confident. They are brilliant.

Ah yes @Iusedtobecarmen that is what I always thought - talking is one thing but putting it into practice which is why I wasn't sure CBT would help. But then i can't even get behind the wheel on my own so can't even being to put it in to practice. I know I should be able to do this but something psychological is holding me back.

What if you do the small unfamiliar journey at a quiet time, and then the next unfamiliar journey at a slightly less quiet time, and the next time when it is slightly busy, and then the next at rush hour and then do lots of unfamiliar journeys at rush hour - all those sporting comps! I suppose it is the 'feel the fear' technique I am suggesting mainly because you sound completely competent but just need to face up to your fears.

I love the sound of IAM and would do that if I had a few months of independent driving experience.