Child not calling me mum

[cierra]

I know there's mums on here that have the opinion of child calls them by their actual name, can I just ask those mums don't comment on my post as you may not understand where am coming from with this. And I don't need you expressing those opinions on me with all due respect.

Dc 8 years old, just turned 8. In the last few months I've noticed when he calls me he won't say mummy/mum, to get my attention he will say hello,
Example
Am in the kitchen, he will come in and say
"Hello can I have chocolate pls"
Or am just in the lounge
"Hello when can I play on my iPad"

Or he will tap me to get my attention.
When he is speaking to his sibling about me, he will refer to me as 'she' and 'her'

He's always called me mummy and mum until the last few months when I noticed this, sibling is also picking up on this and will say 'she said' 'ask her' when before it would always be 'mummy said' 'ask mummy'

I don't know where this sudden odd change has come from, the background I come from, it's really rude to speak in that manner. A few family members also noticed which was embarrassing.

I did speak to dc about this, dc says he forgets to say mum/mummy, I've told him that's what you've always called me so I don't understand how you can forget, it's like me forgetting to call you by your name.

Has anyone else gone through this or know what it could be

There has been nothing life changing that has happened, apart from Covid and no school.

I just feel like doesn't he like me? Why wouldn't he call me by the name that should be second nature to him. I can't fathom not calling my mum, ''mum",

What does he shout down/upstairs to get your attention?

Could he be doing it because he knows it bothers you? Does he get attention from not calling you 'mum'?

I wouldn't answer until he called me mum, that simple. Some people might not agree with that, but I don't care. I would tell him he refers to me as mum or I don't answer.

The "Hello" thing is a bit weird, but not the "she".

I remember my gradad would always pick me up whenever I referred to my grandma as "she". He would say "Whose she the cat's mother?". I never understood it. Clearly you know who I'm talking about... Why do I need to say their name all the time? My grandma is a she.

Sounds just like he's struggling to know what to say now he's growing up. I wouldn't put pressure on it. Just keep calling him by his name as you normally would.

He'd ask me to ask grandma about something, if come back in the room and say "she said xyz" and then get told whose she!? Wtf? 😂

When dc and sibling are having a little fight, he will scream mummy,
He doesn't scream for me from upstairs or downstairs, he will come find me where ever I am in the house. It's frustrating sometimes, as some things he could just scream down the stairs instead of coming all the way downstairs

Maybe that bit older they are (maybe not even consciously) copying/modelling behaviour, your partner/family or others who interact with you.
Maybe seeing themselves as older? Is he the eldest? My eldest has often seen himself as half way between an adult and child!

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I wouldn't answer until he called me mum, that simple. Some people might not agree with that, but I don't care. I would tell him he refers to me as mum or I don't answer.

Yep this, will solve it in a heartbeat. No reaction, he doesn't get what he wants.

That's really rude

So you only want opinions you agree with basically?

Yes I've actually resorted to not answering when he doesn't call me mummy/mum, so he does then say it. But it's the fact that I now have to do that which is annoying, and he will say 'oh I keep forgetting' and am there thinking what the hell do you mean!! I've been here all your life.

I did the same back to him once just to show him it's not a nice feeling, he didn't like it and agreed it's not right but again "I keep forgetting"

Like we would be in the same room, he's on a different sofa to me, he will actually get up and come near the sofa am on and TAP ME. My dc can be very lazy when asked to do chores but would actually happily get up to tap me 🤔

I went through a phase for years of calling my dad by his first name and not "dad", I'm not actually sure what prompted it or why I called him by his first name - maybe tell him it upsets you when he doesn't refer to you as "mum" and you won't be doing anything he asks you to until he refers to you as mum.

@luckylavender
Basically yes. I don't agree with that opinion. And I don't want this thread turning in to something else because that's not the point.

Slightly different but similar.

Our previous au pair used to always refer to me as "she" to the children (or "her") instead of "your mum" and it really really upset me. It felt like a power play, trying to pull me down the hierarchy. And then my youngest, also 7 at the time, started to do it when talking to her sister "I'll ask her" "she said no"

A swift, sharp conversation stopped it.
I pointed out it upset me, I'm their mum. Their only mum, they don't get to replace me or reduce me to the same as the au pair/mummy's friend. They were taking their lead from an adult they trusted and loved. But when the adult they trusted and loved more pointed out it hurt, it stopped immediately.

Try just telling him?

It's a bit of a standing joke in our house that if they call me and their dad by our first names when we are out and about we are more likely to respond! But no, generally its mum or mummy.
I remember a phase of transitioning awkwardly as a teenager from mummy to mum, so I didn't call them anything at all for a while!

It's more odd that you expect to be personally addresed every time he speaks to you. Maybe he's picking up on the oddness.

We normally say 'can you pass me that cup?', 'is your brother back? Where is he?' or a child will ask 'may I have the last cale?'.

Sticking names into every interaction is what toddlers/preschoolers do as part of learning grammar and how to use language.

As its not too longstanding I would tend to try and not let it bother you, he knows you are his mother, I imagine he would call your name if he fell and cut his leg, I very much doubt it is anything to do with not liking you!
I find them AMAZING at picking up what you really feel, so ignoring often doesn't work as they can often still tell if I am piqued.

Either two ways to deal with it IMO

1. If it’s not bothering you too much, ignore it and let him tap you / just say hello. Kids change all the time and it might just be a phase that he will come out of.
2. Do not answer or give him anything he wants until he calls you by your name. Personally I wouldn’t respond to anyone child or adult that called me she and tapped my arm all the time. It’s would irritate me and I think she and her is incredibly rude. I have an 8 year old boy and ‘ I forgot’ is just not good enough. If you forgot then you better start remembering if you want anything!

@luckylavender but that’s only true if it’s only the two of you in the room. When there are a few people around then you need to address them every time to state who you are talking to!!?

Do you use his name constantly?

"What did he say?" and instead of replying "He said..." you reply with "John said"?

When speaking to his sibling are you constantly saying "John wants to go to the shop but Jane doesn't. Where does Jane want to go instead?"

She/her are proper pronouns.

Well maybe not every time but often at least

I would hate this too. I agree with what others have said, don’t answer him unless he calls you Mum/mummy. The other thing I have always done (which I know a lot of posters on here will probably hate) is prefer to myself as mummy. “Let mummy do it” or “come and show mummy” etc. I would also start doing this e.g. “Ds, can you help mummy with X/Y” etc.

Refer*

I would call your ds out on it in a kind way and explain his behaviour is rude. It’s unlikely he realises.

It takes a long time to change. Just carry on and give it time.