Child not calling me mum

[cierra]

I know there's mums on here that have the opinion of child calls them by their actual name, can I just ask those mums don't comment on my post as you may not understand where am coming from with this. And I don't need you expressing those opinions on me with all due respect.

Dc 8 years old, just turned 8. In the last few months I've noticed when he calls me he won't say mummy/mum, to get my attention he will say hello,
Example
Am in the kitchen, he will come in and say
"Hello can I have chocolate pls"
Or am just in the lounge
"Hello when can I play on my iPad"

Or he will tap me to get my attention.
When he is speaking to his sibling about me, he will refer to me as 'she' and 'her'

He's always called me mummy and mum until the last few months when I noticed this, sibling is also picking up on this and will say 'she said' 'ask her' when before it would always be 'mummy said' 'ask mummy'

I don't know where this sudden odd change has come from, the background I come from, it's really rude to speak in that manner. A few family members also noticed which was embarrassing.

I did speak to dc about this, dc says he forgets to say mum/mummy, I've told him that's what you've always called me so I don't understand how you can forget, it's like me forgetting to call you by your name.

Has anyone else gone through this or know what it could be

There has been nothing life changing that has happened, apart from Covid and no school.

I just feel like doesn't he like me? Why wouldn't he call me by the name that should be second nature to him. I can't fathom not calling my mum, ''mum",

My DD did this when he was young. I asked him why and he said because mum is what you do and jewel is your name. That made me think for a while and made me think kids can be very logical. Because of social norms I encouraged him to call me mum by explaining it was what I preferred etc ... He complied. But I never thought there was anything wrong with his reasoning. Some kids plough their own furrow. Not a bad thing.

I disagree.

My 10yr old son tends to use my given name when talking about me to someone else or even when he writes a birthday card, he writes to Randy... rather than mum.

I don’t own him and if that’s his preferred choice, I can respect that.

He’s polite and kind so I don’t see that he needs to obey my every whim, that’s DH’s job.

@Haffdonga

it is actually very rude. It doesn't matter if you are at work talking about a colleague, at a party speaking about a friend, or at home

So you're at work and you need to talk to a colleague about your boss.

I'd say: Cynthia wants us to get the numbers done first because she has to send them to Malcolm. She wants to meet him before she reports to board.

You'd say: Cynthia wants us to get the numbers done first because Cynthia has to send them to Malcolm. Cynthia wants to meet Malcolm before Cynthia reports to board.

Yeah right. Of course you would.

It's funny that despite trying to disagree with me, you actually prove me right in your example.

What is rude is not using the name at all, and constantly referring to someone as "SHE:".

In your own example you used the name yourself - clearly proving my point

I'd say: Cynthia wants us to get the numbers done first because she has to send them to Malcolm. She wants to meet him before she reports to board.
Well, yes... exactly.

Cynthia wants us to get the numbers done first because she has to send them to Malcolm. She wants to meet him before she reports to board.

I talk like this - the name being said first as it's then clear who you are all talking about to all parties.

Though I'd also say "what did she say" - if I knew who the person I was addressing had talked to - ie eveyone in conversation did. That would be rude only if the she was also in the room as I'd be ignoring their presence.

I think you're overreacting. It's more than likely just a phase he's going through.

You come across as highly strung in your OP, with your caveat on whose opinions you want. If you're carrying this through to your relationship with your DS, it might be having a subconscious effect. Try to relax and not pathologise behaviours. You're his mum and always will be. What he calls you might change over the years. Big deal.

@vanillandhoney

And I guarantee that if your co-worker refer to you as he or she constantly you wouldn't like it. It's basic manners.

Well, you'd be wrong.

That could actually start a complain for bullying.... so experience proves that I am not wrong.

A repeated pattern of refusing to use the name of a co-worker is not acceptable. And it's still very rude.

@SantaClaritaDiet yes exactly, I'm not sure if people are deliberately misunderstanding the OP or what? Everyone is also ignoring the fact that he uses "Hello" to call her rather than say Mom, that's rude. Imagine being at work and one of you colleagues saying "hello" to get your attention rather than using your name

The example of help mummy find the keys was to show that's how I've spoken to them from day 1. As another poster mentioned that's how they refer to themselves and perhaps that could help, my point is I've always done. I wouldn't say that to dc now, but on occasions when we are having one to one, I will sometimes say to
Him something along the lines of thank you for helping mummy bake today. This is sometimes and not a everyday basis.

For the poster that said I've called dc HE several times, well yeah because I can't use his name here. And I don't have anything against her she, it's the way it gets used which is deemed as rude.

I'd say: Cynthia wants us to get the numbers done first because she has to send them to Malcolm. She wants to meet him before she reports to board
Well, yes... exactly.

But that's just practical rather than polite. At first mention it has to be the name as otherwise how would the person you're speaking to know who you are speaking about?

In the case of the two children talking between themselves in a different room, which is what it seems to be from a lot of OP's examples then it's perfectly obvious who they are talking about and a perfectly normal way of speaking.

If you are in the same conversation then it's rude to refer to any participant as she/her or by name. The only polite thing is to include everyone in the conversation by saying "you".

@Haffdonga

it is actually very rude. It doesn't matter if you are at work talking about a colleague, at a party speaking about a friend, or at home

So you're at work and you need to talk to a colleague about your boss.

I'd say: Cynthia wants us to get the numbers done first because she has to send them to Malcolm. She wants to meet him before she reports to board.

You'd say: Cynthia wants us to get the numbers done first because Cynthia has to send them to Malcolm. Cynthia wants to meet Malcolm before Cynthia reports to board.

Yeah right. Of course you would.

The point the OP is making is that "Cynthia" or "mum" is not used at all, so from the start of the conversation she is being referred to as "she".

Imagine being at work and one of you colleagues saying "hello" to get your attention rather than using your name

I've had that - usually meant they had no idea what my name was or were worried about getting it wrong.

It perhaps indicates he not sure what to call OP - so her telling him Mum is okay could just stop it all.

I stopped calling my mother Mum because she started to tune it out and blank me. I realise its annoying if your kid keeps wailing “Muuum!” but if you ignore them they’ll stop saying it. I found if I called her Sarah she’d respond but if I shouted Mum she’d blank me. So I just called her Sarah from then on.

It's very important to use someone's name, it shows you recognise them as a person and not just a face out of many. Not every sentence, obviously, but enough to make a difference, as well as making good eye contact. I always did at work and it was nice when people called me, "Jess". However that's standard management/interpersonal skills stuff. 'Mum' is a name.

It sounds as though your son has reached an awkward age, cierra. Don't make a big thing out of it but let him know it is good manners to call someone by a name and to look at them when speaking directly. He may well revert to, "Mum", of his own accord but perhaps be more inventive. See how it evolves. At 8 he is too old for, "Please help Mummy find....".

One day, cierra, he will walk in and say, "Hi TheMater, how are you doing today?", and you'll come on here and tell us. Alternatively Dad could be 'Pops' and you, 'Mops'. Hows about that then? I think it's rather good.

Imagine being at work and one of you colleagues saying "hello" to get your attention rather than using your name
I do this all the time, and have it done to me. It's not rude at all. Saying hello or hi is a totally reasonable and normal way to attract someone's attention. After which you can then address them directly.

@LadyOfTheImprovisedBath

Imagine being at work and one of you colleagues saying "hello" to get your attention rather than using your name

I've had that - usually meant they had no idea what my name was or were worried about getting it wrong.

It perhaps indicates he not sure what to call OP - so her telling him Mum is okay could just stop it all.

She did say in one of her other posts that she has spoken to him and asked why he isn't using mum or mummy

For example

"Mummy said after we have a bath SHE will take us to the park"

In this context "she" is perfectly acceptable.

But to say

"She said after we have a bath she will take us to the park" is rude, almost degrades me to a no one. Dc is a very good child, am sure he means no harm, I think perhaps where i kept hearing it repeatedly, it started me thinking all sorts especially as this is something new and I guess I found it strange that ones flesh and blood 'forgets'

@DappledThings

Imagine being at work and one of you colleagues saying "hello" to get your attention rather than using your name I do this all the time, and have it done to me. It's not rude at all. Saying hello or hi is a totally reasonable and normal way to attract someone's attention. After which you can then address them directly.

As a greeting maybe but not like the example the OP gave, it reads to me like "hey you, can I have some chocolate" rather than a greeting

A repeated pattern of refusing to use the name of a co-worker is not acceptable. And it's still very rude.

Where did I say I repeatedly refused to use the name of a co-worker? You're just making things up off the top of your head for some reason.

At least he doesn't call you by your actual name like my 4 year old does.

"She said after we have a bath she will take us to the park" is rude, almost degrades me to a no one.

I think you're being a bit over-sensitive. You are a she, and it's obvious he's talking about you as you're the parent he spoke to, so why does he need to use your name?

She did say in one of her other posts that she has spoken to him and asked why he isn't using mum or mummy

Which is not the same as outright saying I'd prefer you to call me mum.

It implies it would be okay - but clearly stating I prefer you to call me Mum and I find it rude when you use her or hello rather than Mum - leaves no room in 8 year old child mind for doubt.

I used to find at 8 making expecations very clear - then proceding on basis that had happened - with probably a few reminders- worked best for us rather than assuming nefarious intent from the off.

How are things with your child's father? I find when odd things like this are happening, there's usually some inappropriate conversation from Dad behind it. Knowing what's behind it, a quick chat can then sort it all out swiftly.

I think if you notice it then yeah it's a thing isn't it? But I don't think you should see it as particularly significant unless there are other reasons to think that. Just reminding him, saying 'who?' or the cats mother thing or even a confused hand to eat gesture should do it.

I think 7 is a known growing stage too, where you start to recognise yourself as separate from others. Maybe it has something to discuss with that. I wouldn't worry though, just gently correct if it's bothersome.

I think it sounds like he’s embarrassed by the term mummy definitely, and possibly by mum as well. How does he refer to his dad?