Child not calling me mum

[cierra]

I know there's mums on here that have the opinion of child calls them by their actual name, can I just ask those mums don't comment on my post as you may not understand where am coming from with this. And I don't need you expressing those opinions on me with all due respect.

Dc 8 years old, just turned 8. In the last few months I've noticed when he calls me he won't say mummy/mum, to get my attention he will say hello,
Example
Am in the kitchen, he will come in and say
"Hello can I have chocolate pls"
Or am just in the lounge
"Hello when can I play on my iPad"

Or he will tap me to get my attention.
When he is speaking to his sibling about me, he will refer to me as 'she' and 'her'

He's always called me mummy and mum until the last few months when I noticed this, sibling is also picking up on this and will say 'she said' 'ask her' when before it would always be 'mummy said' 'ask mummy'

I don't know where this sudden odd change has come from, the background I come from, it's really rude to speak in that manner. A few family members also noticed which was embarrassing.

I did speak to dc about this, dc says he forgets to say mum/mummy, I've told him that's what you've always called me so I don't understand how you can forget, it's like me forgetting to call you by your name.

Has anyone else gone through this or know what it could be

There has been nothing life changing that has happened, apart from Covid and no school.

I just feel like doesn't he like me? Why wouldn't he call me by the name that should be second nature to him. I can't fathom not calling my mum, ''mum",

@ThePlantsitter

I think if you notice it then yeah it's a thing isn't it? But I don't think you should see it as particularly significant unless there are other reasons to think that. Just reminding him, saying 'who?' or the cats mother thing or even a confused hand to eat gesture should do it.

I think 7 is a known growing stage too, where you start to recognise yourself as separate from others. Maybe it has something to discuss with that. I wouldn't worry though, just gently correct if it's bothersome.

God horrendous autocorrect, sorry!!

"She said after we have a bath she will take us to the park" is rude, almost degrades me to a no one. Dc is a very good child, am sure he means no harm, I think perhaps where i kept hearing it repeatedly, it started me thinking all sorts especially as this is something new and I guess I found it strange that ones flesh and blood 'forgets'

Just remind him and continue to model the lanague pattern you want.

He's still learning about lanaguage and at 8 there will be reminders needed and explinations and he will be picking up language from others - not always what you want either- and trying it out.

Probably just part of him starting to feel he is growing up and trying to deal with how he should behave.

She and her isn’t rude at all get a fucking grip. I never use people’s names when addressing them unless I’m trying to get their attention. You sound awkward as fuck.

Having a filthy mouth like that it’s no surprise you don’t find it rude 🙄

[quote cierra]@luckylavender
Basically yes. I don't agree with that opinion. And I don't want this thread turning in to something else because that's not the point. [/quote]
Actually, this may be the most important point, which is why you've placed it off-limits.

@Chloemol

Why are you posting and saying you only want opinions who agree with you? That kids must be forced to call you mum/mummy because that’s what you want them to do, or that’s what you can’t imagine not calling your mum mum

That’s your problem straight away, controlling. He’s 8 pushing boundaries, does it really matter he doesn’t call you mum? Go ahead and ignore him until you get your way then, you will simply start to drive him away from coming to find you or talk to you, do you want that?

It’s likely to be a phase, just ignore it

Agree with the above. It's like to be a phase and not last that long.

He's growing up and probably isn't sure what to call you as he thinks mummy is babyish.

Don't ignore him when he talks to you, that's nasty.

It upsets you, talk to him like the grown up he want to be and explain to him that it's rude to talk to you like that and why it upsets you.

And no, you can't start a thread on a public forum and set out rules for what people may or may not post.

I think it's about the tone of the pronoun.

It can be rude. 'She says we are going to the beach tomorrow...' in a sneering or condescending tone. But, it can be also be fine. 'She says we are going to the beach tomorrow!' could be delivered with an excited tone.

Tone and body language inform the way speech is delivered. Is it maybe more the tone that is the issue.

You need to chill out. Sounds like your child is healthy, happy and polite. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
FYI I have always called my parents by their first names and we have a brilliant relationship and are very close.

Tune out the derailers OP - you made yourself quite clear

I'd come down really hard on this.

He's not 'forgetting'

You could find out why he's trying to push buttons/boundaries. But in the meantime, absolutely pick him up on it every single time, refuse to accept the 'I forgot' - and make there be consequences.

'She' doesn't do icecreams and park. That's Mum's job, so better start calling her.

You need to chill out. Sounds like your child is healthy, happy and polite.

clearly he's not polite or this thread wouldn't exist!

I don't think it's controlling to expect your child to respect you, and referring to you in the correct way is a sign of respect.

My DS1, who is now 8, went through a phase a couple of years ago of calling me 'Muy'- he kind of merged the 2 syllables into one, basically out of laziness and being in such a hurry to get my attention.

I did what some PPs have suggested. After repeatedly asking him to call me 'mummy', explaining why I didn't like 'Muy', and him continuing to do it, I finally just warned him I wouldn't listen if he wouldn't address me properly, and made good on that threat. It took a while for him to really break the habit, but he did.

This doesn't sound at all like a laziness issue... It does seem your DS has a reason for this change, even if it's not one he could really explain himself. If it were me, I'd have a bedtime chat about it with him- nice calm setting, one on one and not confrontational. Ask why, try to help him figure it out himself if needed, but also explain why being called mum/mummy is important to me, and gently but firmly say that I won't respond unless he calls me that way.

I guess some will say I'm too controlling too, but IMO this is about respect and proper social skills. And potentially about an issue in a child's view of his parent, or relationship with his parent.

So no, YANBU, OP.

Ignore it.

It's frustrating sometimes, as some things he could just scream down the stairs instead of coming all the way downstairs

This made me smile at how different we all are as I have a constant battle with my kids to come and find me if they want to talk to me, and NOT scream stuff downstairs. I find that really rude! We’ve got a rule now that you have to be in the same room as someone to talk to them. Not that they pay attention. I’m always shouting back ‘You know where I am if you want to talk to me!’ Or ignoring them in the hope they’ll remember while they yell louder and louder.

I’ve never understood why it’s rude to say ‘she’ though. The ‘cats mother’ thing always confused me as it’s usually 100% clear whom you’re referring to.

The majority of 6/7 year olds that I work with have stopped saying mummy and now say mum/mam. Does he know that he could call you mum and not mummy?
Every time he taps you, before he says anything, just say stop tapping I don't like it, call me mum instead.

I agree that it's probably a phase but it can also become a habit that is hard to break. I'd just correct them every time they use 'she' and if they are using 'she' to ask for something then I wouldn't respond until they phrased it properly ie using mum instead of she.

Ignore the posters who can't understand the difference between proper pronoun use and being rude.

There’s a reason that ‘She’s the cat’s mother’ has been passed down through generations.

The only women I know who say that phrase are ones who are full of themselves and think they command some sort of respect for popping out a kid. It’s ridiculous and thankfully it’s mostly only elderly people who still use it.

He’s not saying Cynthia/Mum though.

He’s saying
‘She wants us to get the numbers done first because she has to send them to Malcolm. She wants to meet him before she reports to board’

Obviously people use he/her Etc in speech but we use their name first so people know who we are talking to or about.

I’m pretty sure the OP was saying that she knows that some children call their parents by their given names but that is not what was happening in her situation and the this thread isn’t about that and she didn’t want it to be derailed.

There’s a reason that ‘She’s the cat’s mother’ has been passed down through generations

Exactly, it seems like some people are being deliberately obtuse

I agree with some of the above posters, he is probably awkwardly trying to transition from Mummy to something he feels is less babyish, and is feeling self conscious about it.

Personally, I would come down hard on the tapping to get your attention. I can't stand children tapping or tugging. Every time he does then say "Use words to get my attention please, don't tap me". However, I wouldn't say "Say Mummy" - I would just encourage him to use words, and as long as the words he uses are respectful (not "Oi, you!") I would leave it to see how it develops.

When expressions are passed down it’s because they’re useful, for example, ‘where you raised in a barn?’

Were

Is English your first language? Just because you mention family / culture. And if you’ve been taught certain things as the “right” way I can see how your ds’s language could be jarring. FWIW I wouldn’t worry about the way your dc speak about you to each other (siblings will have their own shorthand, and colloquial speech with peers will always be different to adult / child interactions). I’d just ask him politely not to tap you, and remind him that “my name’s mum, not hello”. Also agree that this is the age many dc make the awkward transition from mummy to mum.

I’ve never understood why it’s rude to say ‘she’ though. The ‘cats mother’ thing always confused me as it’s usually 100% clear whom you’re referring to.

www.grammarphobia.com/blog/2011/04/cats-mother.html

My mother would not allow us children to refer to her in the third person while she was in front of us. Any infraction of this rule would cause her immediate response: “Don’t call me ‘she’! ‘She’ is the cat’s mother!”

...

There was a time when a child could get a scolding for using the word “she” instead of a name, especially if the “she” (often an older person, like one’s mother) was present.

That was what I was brought up with - the presence ie ignoring the person was the rude bit or being unclear who you were talking about to everyone in the conversation.

en.wiktionary.org/wiki/who%27s_%27she%27,_the_cat%27s_mother#:~:text=(idiomatic%2C%20somewhat%20dated%2C%20Britain,is%20coming%20with%20us%20too.%22

A rebuke especially directed towards children for having referred to a woman as "she", instead of using her name or an appropriately respectful title.
"She's coming on the trip with us too!"
"Who's 'she', the cat's mother?"
"Sorry, Gran is coming with us too."^

Seems there a wider version - not respectful enough title from a child - which is I think where the OP is coming from.

I was one of those kids that called my parents Mummy and Daddy way past an age that was reasonable, even though I was embarrassed calling them Mummy or Daddy in public when I was in my teens, I still couldn’t bring myself to say Mum or Dad, it always felt maybe too grown up and just not right.

I’m 34 now and my instinct is still Mummy and Daddy, even though I know it’s fucking ridiculous.

Perhaps your son is having a similar internal struggle? In that he knows it’s time to move on to Mum rather than Mummy, but it just doesn’t feel right to say it.