Child not calling me mum

[cierra]

I know there's mums on here that have the opinion of child calls them by their actual name, can I just ask those mums don't comment on my post as you may not understand where am coming from with this. And I don't need you expressing those opinions on me with all due respect.

Dc 8 years old, just turned 8. In the last few months I've noticed when he calls me he won't say mummy/mum, to get my attention he will say hello,
Example
Am in the kitchen, he will come in and say
"Hello can I have chocolate pls"
Or am just in the lounge
"Hello when can I play on my iPad"

Or he will tap me to get my attention.
When he is speaking to his sibling about me, he will refer to me as 'she' and 'her'

He's always called me mummy and mum until the last few months when I noticed this, sibling is also picking up on this and will say 'she said' 'ask her' when before it would always be 'mummy said' 'ask mummy'

I don't know where this sudden odd change has come from, the background I come from, it's really rude to speak in that manner. A few family members also noticed which was embarrassing.

I did speak to dc about this, dc says he forgets to say mum/mummy, I've told him that's what you've always called me so I don't understand how you can forget, it's like me forgetting to call you by your name.

Has anyone else gone through this or know what it could be

There has been nothing life changing that has happened, apart from Covid and no school.

I just feel like doesn't he like me? Why wouldn't he call me by the name that should be second nature to him. I can't fathom not calling my mum, ''mum",

Mine were a bit younger but did start shouting for DH name or my Name - they were just copying us talking to one another - it stopped on it's own.

Could also be at 8 that he's worried it's a big babyish - or someone said something to that affect - or he's trying to transition from automatic mummy to mum.

I know my chidlren stopped with mummy in primary school as it was deemed babyish - they sort of did automatic mummy then corrected to Mum - then eldest brought it back for a while when she hit secondary then Mother made an apperance - now it's back to Mum.

If it's really bothering you have a word with him.

I think just keep ignoring him unless he addresses you properly of it bothers you that much.

I find it odd you'd rather he scream Mom down the stairs rather than coming and actually coming to you. I'd consider that better manners than Mom

You do seem to put a lot of effort into noticing every speech act and wanting everything to be not only polite but exactly the way you envisage it.

I'd say most of the instances you mention are just normal speech acts (she said) in anyone beyond the baby age. Do you yourself say "I am going to ask Grandma" and then never come back to say "she said"? Are you sure?

As for the remaining 20% or so, I think it's the natural awkwardness that comes with moving towards the preteens. He knows that you can get teased and look silly outside the home for using the wrong phrase (think of the scorn habitually poured by MNers on those who say "mummy" beyond infant school age). He may already have realised that to complicate the age thing, different families have different norms and one family's good manners will be another family's rudeness or source of ridicule. Even if he knows what your expectations are, that knowledge makes him feel awkward and he hasn't yet learnt to navigate that space so is trying to avoid dealing with it altogether.

I'd say stepping back a little would help enormously. Pick your battles, pick up on any direct rudeness but sympathise with awkwardness, accept that there may be more than one way of being polite. And above all, accept that as he moves towards the teens he will be evaluating what he sees at home in terms of what he sees elsewhere because that is an essential part of becoming independent.

I find it odd you'd rather he scream Mom down the stairs rather than coming and actually coming to you. I'd consider that better manners than Mom

Me too. What he does seems far more polite and would to most people, I imagine.

Who's 'she' the cat's mother?

We've always said this in our family to children who refer to someone as she. I've always thought it's very rude to refer to anyone as 'she' or 'he' in front of them.

I agree it might be awkwardness of saying Mummy/Mum - when I was around 8 I realised most of my peers said Mum but I didn’t want to hurt my mum’s feelings by changing to Mum... so I still call her Mummy as an adult 🙈

The tapping to get attention is rude but I can't see the problem in the first example the op gave.

I wouldn't expect dd to preface every single remark she makes to me with "Mum". But I don't use her name in every interaction either.

Not quite the same but around a similar age mine started to sometimes call us by our 1st names. I think it was testing the waters to see what we'd do, rather than anything else. I sat down with him and explained how it was only our offspring who could call us Mum/Dad which is what made that special... it really resonated with him and he never called Gumbo after that not to my face, anyhow

It sounds like he could be feeling awkward about raising his voice and speaking for some reason - tapping at you and not yelling 'Mum!' downstairs - well, I don't bellow DP's name at him, I'll come down/go up and speak to him directly. If he hears his name, it means there's an actual, real emergency and he comes running.

I do feel that yelling a name is what you do to recall a dog - in my case, this was also linked to how the first thing I heard in the morning was my name being screamed at me from the bottom of the stairs and at any point during the day, if my name was yelled again, it was me being summoned to be shouted (and usually walloped, although I'm sure you don't do that) at for something I was supposed to have done/not done, never for anything good.

Could it be worth talking to him about how he feels about the yelling? If he's not comfortable with it, perhaps it's extended to feeling like he's being rude or something isn't quite right about going 'Muuuuuum'?

I wish my DD would come and talk to me instead of telling from other rooms.

Yelling not telling

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I wouldn't answer until he called me mum, that simple. Some people might not agree with that, but I don't care. I would tell him he refers to me as mum or I don't answer.

Even if he was crying or in pain? Withdrawing the attention until you get the name you want is stubborn and emotionally abusive.

I remember going through a phase of this. If I remember my mom would pause... Say 'who is she that cats mother...' when I said mom she d then answer me. It was a nice funny way of addressing this. Made a sort of family joke out of it.

He's just a kid doing weird kid things. If it were my kid I would be joking about it every time he forgot, like 'hello who,' and looking round in an exaggerated manner. It only means something significant if you make it so (or if there is some significant reason that might explain it that you're not saying).

No, not exactly but I had nicknames, so did husband. That was quite nice. Perhaps he could invent a nickname for you, running it past you first for approval. My husband generally called his mother, "Mum", but also a funny diminutive of her first name - until my son was born when he started calling her, "Grandma"..That used to drive me potty, I said, "Your mother is not your grandma!". It made no difference.

Son had funny nickname for his other grandma, my mum, and that stuck.

It's not unusual for boys to refer to their mothers as 'her' and 'she' if in the same house, in another room, especially to their friends. If a girl is cross with their mum, she becomes, "That woman!".

Tell him you would like to have a name and agree on something (and not to say 'can' when it should be 'may').

Are their 'cool' alternatives to 'Mum' or 'Mummy'? How about 'Ma', maybe 'Ma+surname', if that isn't too long. For example, 'MaJohnson". As he gets older you could well become 'Little Ma'. A Dickens' character called his father, "AgedPa", shortened to "AgedP".

I love nicknames as long as they're inoffensive. They are a sign of affection.

getting someones attention by saying "hello" is pretty rude though

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I wouldn't answer until he called me mum, that simple. Some people might not agree with that, but I don't care. I would tell him he refers to me as mum or I don't answer.

Totally agree.

None of us would respond unless someone addressed us correctly.

It's not even like he's calling you by name - he's being outright rude.

cross with 'her' mum, not 'their'.

Perhaps he’s attention seeking? Even negative attention is better than being overlooked so he’s worked out that this irks you (although god alone knows why) and is using it accordingly.

The only time I notice whether my D.C. have called me ‘mum’ rather than talking to me directly is when they start a sentence with that wheedling two note ‘Ma-um‘ that means they want something. I recognise it from my own use of it many years ago.

If it really bothers you, you could do as pp have suggested and tell him you will respond to him when he uses your preferred title (not name) of mum. But realistically I’d let this one go. Pick your battles.

Do you have a partner? Do you say their name every time you offer them a cup of tea or ask them to pass the sugar?

Surely sometimes you just say D'you want a cuppa? or Could you pass me the ketchup? if it's obvious who you are talking to without saying JOHN, do you want a cuppa? MARY, could you pass the ketchup? .

Insisting on being 'named' with each statement when it's obviously you being addressed is quite weird.

@SleepingStandingUp
That's because dc will come down in the space of 5 mins 3-4 times for silly reasons when he knows I'll be up in no more than 10mins, (during bed time) It's only then that it would make sense to call me from the stairs, maybe scream wasn't the correct word. Otherwise it's fine coming and finding me.

Family members/friends and Dh all refer to me as their mum when speaking to the children Example: 'where is your mum'

Dc am speaking of is the eldest. Like another poster said I too have always referred to myself as mummy "can you help mummy find the keys"

It's not sometimes that she and her is used, it's all the time. To the point sibling is starting to pick up on it
"Did she say we can have ice cream"
"Ask her if we can"
"Let's sneak up on her"
"She said we are not going out."
"Do you think she will let us play in the pool today"
"If she goes shops today, I will ask for this"
"Am going to tell her your being mean"

These are just some of the things I hear, everyday,so it isn't sometimes, it's pretty much all the time. Who is this SHE.
It's rude.

@Thereareliterallynonamesleft hahah omg that's so cute!

Could it be that he thinks you would want to be called Mummy and thinks Mummy is babyish? He's only 7 so may not know how to explain how he doesn't want to call you Mummy.

Why are you posting and saying you only want opinions who agree with you? That kids must be forced to call you mum/mummy because that’s what you want them to do, or that’s what you can’t imagine not calling your mum mum

That’s your problem straight away, controlling. He’s 8 pushing boundaries, does it really matter he doesn’t call you mum? Go ahead and ignore him until you get your way then, you will simply start to drive him away from coming to find you or talk to you, do you want that?

It’s likely to be a phase, just ignore it

The cats mother thing was used in our house too.

Wear a name tag that says Mum.