Child not calling me mum

[cierra]

I know there's mums on here that have the opinion of child calls them by their actual name, can I just ask those mums don't comment on my post as you may not understand where am coming from with this. And I don't need you expressing those opinions on me with all due respect.

Dc 8 years old, just turned 8. In the last few months I've noticed when he calls me he won't say mummy/mum, to get my attention he will say hello,
Example
Am in the kitchen, he will come in and say
"Hello can I have chocolate pls"
Or am just in the lounge
"Hello when can I play on my iPad"

Or he will tap me to get my attention.
When he is speaking to his sibling about me, he will refer to me as 'she' and 'her'

He's always called me mummy and mum until the last few months when I noticed this, sibling is also picking up on this and will say 'she said' 'ask her' when before it would always be 'mummy said' 'ask mummy'

I don't know where this sudden odd change has come from, the background I come from, it's really rude to speak in that manner. A few family members also noticed which was embarrassing.

I did speak to dc about this, dc says he forgets to say mum/mummy, I've told him that's what you've always called me so I don't understand how you can forget, it's like me forgetting to call you by your name.

Has anyone else gone through this or know what it could be

There has been nothing life changing that has happened, apart from Covid and no school.

I just feel like doesn't he like me? Why wouldn't he call me by the name that should be second nature to him. I can't fathom not calling my mum, ''mum",

This is a bit of an odd thread.

7 yr old has a phase. OP gets her knickers in a twist and thinks it's a rejection of her entire being as a mother. OP wants everyone to agree with her on a non-issue.

OP, take a very deep breath. It really is just a phase and, like all phases, will pass more quickly if you don't draw attention to it.

Most of the time I used my parents' first names - they didn't have a problem with it.

Re your first paragraph, I assume you are new to MN. If someone posts a thread it's open to any and all responses, it's not for you to restrict replies to only those which agree with you.

@QueenOfPain, my DC are all 16+, and all still call me Mummy (one of them has a nickname for me which she uses when she's feeling friendly). My own mum thinks "Mummy" is bonkers in anyone over the age of about four.

Sounds like your child wants to call you mum rather than mummy and feels awkward about it so doesn't call you anything at all

It really wouldn't bother me but I'd most definitely help him to make the transition from mummy to mum without punishing him for it

My 11 yr old sometimes refers to me as 'The Mothership', 'Mamalam' or 'Mamalama' sorry, not to derail...

I would either not answer to 'Hello' or say 'excuse me, call me Mum or it's a no'.

@Crankley I interpreted that it's not that she's after a debate as to whether parents would rather be called their actual name by the child but rather to deal with this 'hello' and 'she' matter.

@JizzPigeon22

The only women I know who say that phrase are ones who are full of themselves and think they command some sort of respect for popping out a kid. It’s ridiculous and thankfully it’s mostly only elderly people who still use it.

thankfully basic manners are not for the exclusive use of elderly people, it makes everybody's life so much more pleasant.

We all know children who clearly missed out on basic education, it's such a shame.

The expression might be different, but calling people he/she instead of using their name is rude in many other languages.

I love the fact your DS comes to find you and doesn’t shout from another room, how fabulous. What is wrong with “hello” or “excuse me” when wanting to get your attention? Does is have to be “maaaaum” or “mummy!?” (Winces) Your name, is your name, where as mum/mummy is an honorific, a “status” or a role descriptor if you will; and demanding it’s used is a bit like me saying I won’t answer to my name any more but colleagues must now call me “Group Head Of Finance“ before I respond. He’s exploring language and relationships and boundaries at that age... exhale and let it go, you might find he will do the same

I remember getting told off as a child for calling an adult "she". It was utterly confusing. "She" isn't a rude word, it's used by lots of people in lots of polite sentences, so I couldn't see at all why I was being rude.

Like, it would be gramatically wrong to say "Mummy says that Mummy wants us to help clean up because Mummy is tired". In that sentence you ought to use "Mummy" once but you should not use "Mummy" three times! How confusing is that?!

As an adult I can see it, but it's really quite subtle. I think you need to think through a simple way to explain to him, and gently correct him.

Making this into a huge issue of 'respect and proper social skills' would be a rather pompous and self-important course of action, IMO. This whole thread feels a teeny bit self-important, in fact - from the instruction at the beginning as to what responses will be tolerated and what won't to the seeming need to have 'Mummy' referred to constantly even in conversation between siblings where the context is clear. The 'cat's mother' thing comes from an age in which children were expected to give obsequious respect to adults and get none, not even basic consideration often, in return, and so I wouldn't necessarily be setting it up as a yardstick.

'Hello' as a way of getting attention does piss me off (it's used a lot in the country I live in and I hate it). If this were me I would gently say 'I prefer you to say Mum or Mummy rather than hello' and keep reminding every time, but without fraughtness or punishment. Similarly with the tapping - 'please don't tap me, speak to me if you want something'. But the 'she' thing I would be overlooking, if I'd even noticed it in the first place.

The PP who said phases pass quicker if no attention is drawn to them is spot on.

X post with this - this is exactly what I mean by self-importance:

'Your name, is your name, where as mum/mummy is an honorific, a “status” or a role descriptor if you will; and demanding it’s used is a bit like me saying I won’t answer to my name any more but colleagues must now call me “Group Head Of Finance“ before I respond.'

My dad used to like being referred to as Daddy and I absolutely hated it past about 8/9 as none of my friends called their dad Daddy. Have you asked if he’s like to call you Mum? It may just be that he would prefer to but afraid to ask? (Btw, saying ‘hello ...’ is kind of cute to me!)

I wonder if "she" feels particularly uncomfortable because of ingrained sexism. Just being called "she" comes across as dismissive and demeaning, in a way that just being called "he" might not.

Obviously not saying that your 8 year-old intends this! But it might factor into why it bothers us as adults.

I wonder if "she" feels particularly uncomfortable because of ingrained sexism. Just being called "she" comes across as dismissive and demeaning, in a way that just being called "he" might not.

Oh, I assure you refusing to use your male co-worker name and referring him as "he" for example is just as dismissive and rude.

Your name, is your name, where as mum/mummy is an honorific, a “status” or a role descriptor if you will; and demanding it’s used is a bit like me saying I won’t answer to my name any more but colleagues must now call me “Group Head Of Finance“

😂 😂 😂

this is why I love MN.
People go into such length to justify disregard for the most basic manners. It does wonder to explain the behaviour of some of the kids you are unfortunate enough to meet at school, or worst end up having in your own home.

Classic MN, I love it. Thank you for the laugh, I am keeping that post!

I don't understand why this is a problem, or why calling someone "she" is rude...I speak several languages and have lived in several different countries, people use she/he all the time and I've never given it a second thought. Just let your child call you whatever they feel comfortable, making it into an issue will just make them feel awkward and they'll be less likely to comply with what you want. I called my mum "mum" but not all the time, it would've been so annoying to have her on my case all the time about what I call her!

When I was about that age I felt that 'mummy' was too babyish but for some reason I was way too embarrassed to switch to mum. So I think I did the same thing for a while. Particularly in front of other people. If he has always called you mummy, I'd assume that was the problem. And I'd make a joke out of correcting him with 'mum' wherever possible so he knows it's ok without making a big deal out of it.

That's interesting Overthinker, which languages if you don't mind saying?

People go into such length to justify disregard for the most basic manners
So true!

If the household consists of just the OP and the two D.C. it seems perfectly reasonable they would refer to her as ‘she’ in conversations of the sort described. Who else would they be discussing? If there were two women in the house I could understand them differentiating and saying ‘Mum says x’ or ‘Sarah said Y’ but if you are the sole female in their little world ‘she’ makes perfect sense.

Thinking back to convos with my DS about my mum - after the first mention eg “have you seen Mum this week’ to make it clear I wasn’t discussing our granny or an aunt or a neighbour I would then only use pronouns. Your D.C. don’t need to make this distinction clear by using your honorific to each other because they know who they are talking about!

@AnneOfQueenSables

People go into such length to justify disregard for the most basic manners So true!

It is so very true and then those of us who teach those early years at school get the joy of saying ‘Do you mean Mrs Butler said....’.

I call my mum by her actual name half the time as when I would say mum..... mum.... mum... MUMMM, She doesnt answer. Say CAROLE and its 'yes dear' (not her name)

My mates Italian and her young son calls her her name, dont know if that's a thing or just him though.

I’m 34 now and my instinct is still Mummy and Daddy, even though I know it’s fucking ridiculous.

Why is it fucking ridiculous? It is just what you call them. It is no more ridiculous than mum or mam or mom or any other word.

My 22 year old calls me Mummy, as does my 16 year old. My 15 year old calls me Mother, or sometimes "Woman" if he is teasing me.

NKFell Fri 24-Jul-20 14:10:24
My 11 yr old sometimes refers to me as 'The Mothership', 'Mamalam' or 'Mamalama' grin sorry, not to derail...
.....
Brilliant paricularly 'The Mothership'. Op take note!

I raise you the opposite issue of a 9yo constantly interspersing their conversation with mummy:

Mummymummy, look what I've built in Minecraft. Mummy, I've built this castle using obsidian and mummy look I've made made the lights work with redstone and mummy the minecart takes you down to the dungeon mummy.

He has ASD so that kind of communicative nuance is harder to pick up, and I suspect that I use his name more than average to grab his attention from his rambling thoughts

As the only female in the house "she" generally has to mean me. In the DC's private conversation, it's perfectly normal for the DCs to use the third person to talk about me.

If they were talking about me in the third person as though I wasn't there in an ignoring way, that would be rude.

It is likely around that age that there is an outgrowing of Mummy and uncertainty about what to use.
At least he's not an impatient toddler in a cot shouting "Mummy! Mummy! BOGROLL!!! before I had chance to get to him, but then DS2 always did have the knack for comic cheek.