Child not calling me mum

[cierra]

I know there's mums on here that have the opinion of child calls them by their actual name, can I just ask those mums don't comment on my post as you may not understand where am coming from with this. And I don't need you expressing those opinions on me with all due respect.

Dc 8 years old, just turned 8. In the last few months I've noticed when he calls me he won't say mummy/mum, to get my attention he will say hello,
Example
Am in the kitchen, he will come in and say
"Hello can I have chocolate pls"
Or am just in the lounge
"Hello when can I play on my iPad"

Or he will tap me to get my attention.
When he is speaking to his sibling about me, he will refer to me as 'she' and 'her'

He's always called me mummy and mum until the last few months when I noticed this, sibling is also picking up on this and will say 'she said' 'ask her' when before it would always be 'mummy said' 'ask mummy'

I don't know where this sudden odd change has come from, the background I come from, it's really rude to speak in that manner. A few family members also noticed which was embarrassing.

I did speak to dc about this, dc says he forgets to say mum/mummy, I've told him that's what you've always called me so I don't understand how you can forget, it's like me forgetting to call you by your name.

Has anyone else gone through this or know what it could be

There has been nothing life changing that has happened, apart from Covid and no school.

I just feel like doesn't he like me? Why wouldn't he call me by the name that should be second nature to him. I can't fathom not calling my mum, ''mum",

But can you help mummy find the keys is a ridiculous way to speak to a child over 2 or 3.

They'll notice that no one at school, including their teachers, use that kind of sentance structure. Surely you don't speak to other adults and children that way?

They are growing up, and you seem to resent it.

Your OP says you don't want opinions from people who.allow their DC to use their first names but that doesn't seem to be the issue. You haven't described him using your first name at all but rather not using any name/title to you or about you.

I hate using names or anything that means addressing people directly. I much prefer to have got their attention and then just talk to them. Maybe he's developing a similar awkwardness.

She/ her isn't rude.

It's a pronoun used for a female when the speaker/listener understand who is being referred to.

I'm sure you refer to your ds as 'he' when talking about 'him' to other people.

when he doesn't call me mummy/mum, so he does then say it. But it's the fact that I now have to do that which is annoying, and he will say 'oh I keep forgetting'

Oh yes, so you do. You referred to ds as HE 3 times alone here. It's not rude it's normal speech referring to a 3rd person.

8 year olds don't speak like toddlers. Some of your language expectations of your ds sound more appropriate for a younger age.
e.g. Can you help mummy find the keys? Why not just say Can you help ME find the keys? as you would say for example to your partner?

I don't get why this is rude?

Dc am speaking of is the eldest. Like another poster said I too have always referred to myself as mummy "can you help mummy find the keys"

I did this when mine were young - think it's part of the parentese that's automatic then it becomes a habit that IME you have to stop as the kids get older.

I suspect this is a sign that you need to stop doing it - at least for him and around his friends if you haven't already.

Let him know Mum is fine with you - correct him a few times see if it sticks and if not have a chat and tell him your prefer Mum and that you find the her rude. After that assume he knows he's being rude and react accordingly.

She and her isn’t rude at all get a fucking grip. I never use people’s names when addressing them unless I’m trying to get their attention. You sound awkward as fuck.

Has any of his friends heard him call you mummy and teased him called him a baby ? It could be something like that and it's just stuck with him, I would ignore him when he says hello can I have a drink and say it is a bit rude to just say hello. Its maybe just a weird phase he is having just keep gently correcting him and he should come out the other side soon

Why is it rude?

It's normal speech to refer to people by a pronoun - him, her, they - it's just how people talk. Why does he need to use your name all the time? I genuinely don't get it!

I'm with those who think this is odd (on your part) and controlling. Good posts from corythatwas and Haffdonga (who is right about your expectations of your communication with him seeming geared towards a younger age).

I always find the threads where OP posts about what is actually innocuous behaviour, related to the way that a particular child is interacting/expressing themselves at a particular point in their lives, and gets egged on to effectively withdraw normal healthy parenting until she gets the behaviour she wants, rather concerning.

This child isn't actually insulting you, OP. (And I think the 'she' as an insult thing is a bit misogynistic at root tbh. Just like we struggle to say e.g. 'let the woman go past' when out with our children and instead find ourselves feeling we need to say 'lady'). The uses of 'she' you mention are entirely appropriate in context - where you are the only 'she' who could be being referred to.

I suggest a little experiment - make a (mental or actual) note over the next few days of how you refer to your son when speaking to his father and siblings.

OP,
I wouldn't get upset or let them see that it upsets you.

I would calmly ask them NOT to refer to you as her and she.

I would TELL him NOT to tap you.

I can well understand you not liking this.

IMO it is extremely rude and I would be unimpressed.

Calling parents by their names too, is also very rude.

People are reared very differently on here and I appreciate that.

I would be completely deaf to ANY request that is asked referring to you in a way that you do not like.

I would be pleasant but I would unmoveable on this.

We teach people how to treat us. Your children need to be clearly taught the standards that you expect in your home.

Manners are very important to me and they start at home.

He's just being a kid - its their job to be stubborn, push boundaries, forget everything, try new things out.
I think you are reading way more into it than needs to be. My 4 year old is always saying 'i forgot' when I pull her up on something. What it really means is 'I want to do it my way and now you've pulled me up on it I realise that we've had this conversation before but I haven't changed my behaviour or brain processes yet' and its quite succinctly summarised as 'i forgot'.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I wouldn't answer until he called me mum, that simple. Some people might not agree with that, but I don't care. I would tell him he refers to me as mum or I don't answer.

absolutely.

Referring to someone as "he" or "she" is just rude, so not acceptable.

What does he call his DF? Or grandparents? Is it just you that's been singled out for this?

Your poor little boy he is doing nothing wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

She/ her isn't rude.

It's a pronoun used for a female when the speaker/listener understand who is being referred to.

it is actually very rude. It doesn't matter if you are at work talking about a colleague, at a party speaking about a friend, or at home talking about a neighbour or a family member, it's just plain rude to stick to "he' or "she".
It's a bit of a worry if it's not obvious - you will really annoy people at work if you do it.

Referring to someone as "he" or "she" is just rude, so not acceptable.

No, in YOUR opinion it's rude.

Referring to someone as "he" or "she" is normal speech. What did he say. Did you hear what she did. What have they done. It's perfectly normal use of English.

Have chat with him, tell him what you have noticed and see if he can tell you why he's doing this. Behaviour is a form of communication is an old adage, but it's true - you need to find out what he is trying to tell you, then you can respond appropriately.

E.g.
He may feel, or have been told by his peers, that calling you "Mummy" is babyish and he won't say "Mum" in case he says "Mummy" by mistake, particularly in front of his friends.

What do you call him? Is he reacting to you not using his preferred form of his name?

He may have found the right button to push to get a reaction from you and is seeking attention (remember negative attention is better than no attention to a child).

Did she say we can have ice cream"
"Ask her if we can"
"Let's sneak up on her"
"She said we are not going out."
"Do you think she will let us play in the pool today"
"If she goes shops today, I will ask for this"
"Am going to tell her your being mean"

Those don't sound that odd to to me - Mum/she is fine as long as they know who they are talking about.

I assumed it was her/she usage stood right in front of you - that's when my Mum would use the who is She the cats' mother thing - when the expectation she could here wasn't unreasonable or a way to let us know she could hear and often not said in a nasty way but teasing.

Dc am speaking of is the eldest. Like another poster said I too have always referred to myself as mummy "can you help mummy find the keys"

Would you speak to someone else in that way though? Would you say to a friend "Can you help cierra find the keys?"

Do you use someone's name every time you mention them? That sounds awkward.

@vanillandhoney

Referring to someone as "he" or "she" is just rude, so not acceptable.

No, in YOUR opinion it's rude.

Referring to someone as "he" or "she" is normal speech. What did he say. Did you hear what she did. What have they done. It's perfectly normal use of English.

It's not just my opinion

and I guarantee that if your co-worker refer to you as he or she constantly you wouldn't like it. It's basic manners.

Obviously the rest of the sentence will be he/she, but you do use the name of the person you are talking about!

Or he will tap me to get my attention. even more unacceptable. Would it be polite at school or with a friends mother? Of course not. So why should his own mother not deserve the same level of respect?

it is actually very rude. It doesn't matter if you are at work talking about a colleague, at a party speaking about a friend, or at home

So you're at work and you need to talk to a colleague about your boss.

I'd say: Cynthia wants us to get the numbers done first because she has to send them to Malcolm. She wants to meet him before she reports to board.

You'd say: Cynthia wants us to get the numbers done first because Cynthia has to send them to Malcolm. Cynthia wants to meet Malcolm before Cynthia reports to board.

Yeah right. Of course you would.

I'm in the camp that, yes, it is rude to use pronouns on a consistent basis. The child has decided that he doesn't want to refer to his mother directly and that is surely an issue.

And I guarantee that if your co-worker refer to you as he or she constantly you wouldn't like it. It's basic manners.

Well, you'd be wrong.

@Haffdonga

it is actually very rude. It doesn't matter if you are at work talking about a colleague, at a party speaking about a friend, or at home

So you're at work and you need to talk to a colleague about your boss.

I'd say: Cynthia wants us to get the numbers done first because she has to send them to Malcolm. She wants to meet him before she reports to board.

You'd say: Cynthia wants us to get the numbers done first because Cynthia has to send them to Malcolm. Cynthia wants to meet Malcolm before Cynthia reports to board.

Yeah right. Of course you would.

Exactly.

The latter is a totally unnatural way of speaking.

I'm with you, OP - it's not on to always refer to you as "she" and "her" instead of Mum or Mummy.
But I'm also agreeing with the posters who say it might be his age - he might have peers who use "Mum" instead of "Mummy" and they might have laughed at him for using Mummy, which has created an issue for him.

We always had "who's she, the cat''s mother?" question if we didn't identify whom we were talking about, especially when it's right in front of the person concerned! It's so reductionist, as though we're just some random female.

You could try asking him if he'd rather call you Mum - but also not respond until he speaks to you directly. As for the tapping, OMG that would drive me nuts!