Maintenance money

[Spinachfinger]

I'm ready to be told AIBU here but just wondering what others think.

My ex pays maintenance money for my son of £160 per month.

His job means he gets most of the summer holidays off work. Since lockdown in march I have had sole responsibility for my 2 DC (oldest one isn't my exes).

I have been furloughed til the end of july and am going back to work in August. My ex will have both children whilst I am working and he is off.

Since having the boys at home with me full time since March, suffice to say, my bills have gone up (use of tv, computer, note use of oven,washing machine etc), my food bills have increased with the kids being at home all the time and I have bought the majority of the school uniforms etc for september. Ex has been steadily paying me £160 pm all this time. All good.

Today (yesterday) I wake up to a text from him saying "Do you think it's right I should be paying you £160 for august when I will be having them whilst you're at work? You food bill will be smaller and my costs will go up with extra food and days out etc. Should you not be paying me £160 instead?".

I was a bit taken aback to be woken up by this text.

He mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he would pay me maintenance money for July and August. He said that he would pay me £100 on the 16th July and the remaining £220 at the end of july which would cover July/August maintenance payments. He also said on top of this he would go halves on the school uniform costs.

The 17th of July came and he had transferred £60 to my account. I asked him what this was for and he said for maintenance and that he would pay me the rest at the end of the month. I mentioned to him that he agreed to put £100 in and pay £220 at the end of the month. He said "yes sorry I forgot, do you want £40 now?". I said no, just pay £260 at the end of the month instead if its easier. He accepted this, I have it in my text messages.

So I don't get why he has shifted the goal posts with his text this morning. And the way he worded sounded argumentative to me.

A further thing is that he lives with his mum and dad and pays them no rent whatsoever. His outgoings are minimal. My money has been going out of my account like no tomorrow with food and bills, plus school uniforms etc. He is bringing in a full time wage and pays next to nothing out of it.

What does the MN jury think? Should I pay him £160 if he has them over August? Even if we have pre agreed something else? I will still be having the kids at the weekends and it is only for 4 weeks that he will have them then they are my full time responsibility again when school starts.

Why does he only pay £160 when he earns a full time wage and has minimal outgoing? I'd expect him to still pay in August, still go halves on school uniform for the DS that you share, and really, I would have asked for extra to cover the increase in you bills during lockdown.

Sugar - that's what came up on the child maintenance calculator and he has stuck with that figure

Why wouldn't you pay him for minding your eldest? He isn't his dad yet is providing full time childcare for him for a full month.

I think it is fair enough that he has continued to pay you £160 per month for your child during lockdown. The amount doesn't depend on whether your child is at home or at school.
Is there a valid reason why he hasn't had his DC during lockdown? I think whether he is being unreasonable in asking you to pay him the £160 depends upon the answer to that question.

On the face of it, I don't think he is being unreasonable as he would also be looking after a child that isn't his.

In terms of the school uniform, he has offered to pay towards it so just show him the receipt(s) for what you have spent and ask him for his share.

How many nights is the £160 based on? What is the normal split of nights?

Why hasn’t he had your son at all? Will things go back to normal after August?

If he’s saved money by not having him for 5 months, ie has paid you what he normally would then he is being unreasonable by asking to not pay you for a month. Have his earning stayed the same over this time?

School holidays are expensive he is looking after his own son and yours, surely you to contribute something.

So he normally pays you £160 a month for maintenance. If he is looking after them in August then yes you should definitely pay him £160. Why wouldn't you, they are your children?

What is the situation with the child that is not your ex’s? Does his own dad not pay CMS?and have contact?
Can you look into a play scheme for the children at all? So your ex won’t be having them 5 days a week.

£160 doesn't sound like a lot but there's other variables. Will he be having them overnight in August? What is the situation with your eldest? Does your ex fund him as well as his biological DS? If he's doing a whole month of childcare for a child who isn't his as well as parenting his own DS then on the surface it does sound like he might have a point.

Did you ask for more money during lockdown or did he offer? What was the reason he didn't see his DS during this time?

@ZombieFan

One is THEIR CHILD not just hers. And like OP said she had their joint child from March- July paying all the extras.

Please read properly before making a judgemental post.

@Spinachfinger
The non resident parent should ALWAYS pay maintenance to the resident parent. In this case during August the father is the resident parent and so the mother should pay her fair share.

Not only is the father the resident parent but he is also looking after a child that is not his.

Surely the figure of £160 is just 1/12 of the annual maintenance required? Children’s expenses aren’t evenly spread throughout the year.

As @Inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing said.
Maintenance is worked out for the whole year. So unless those days in august significantly increase his contact for the whole year it should stay the same, or it should be pro rated. So even if he did adjust it, it should just come down slightly per month

You paying him sounds reasonable. Or him not paying you for August. Which ever is more practical.
He is caring for his son and providing child care for your not shared son.
I'm guessing a childminder or club would cost more.
As for his lack of outgoings that you mention, I am going to assume his supportive parents are not charging him rent so he can save for a new place to live. Somewhere for your shared dc to stay at weekends and holidays in the future.

The other child who isn't his is a complicating factor possibly but that aside, as a pp said, it's worked out over a 12 month period, so my ex works his out saying he has them 52-104 nights a year. He's only just in that bracket and has them 4 night a months plus some extra in the holidays. It would be too complicated to figure it out week by week so it's a flat rate. The op has had them every night since March with associated increased expenditure. Any father who is not an absolute tool would appreciate that and at best would increase his contribution and at worst not have the front to then use increased bills as a reason not to pay in August. And he should absolutely be paying half for uniform, though my ex never does, strictly cms only 🙄

I would reply - if that was the case then having had sole care for x months without your usual contact (and yes the increased bills) wouldn't you owe me?

It's not a lot of money and he sounds petty. The text sounds argumentative.

What I would do is run the figures through cms for march to july with you having them every night. How much is that? Presumably more than £160? If so, add that figure up.
Now run it through cms with him having them 5 days a week and you 2, see what numbers that gives.

What I do is divide the amount after things that are paid for (eg footie subscriptions) up by the number of days to get a daily rate. I pay that to ex if he takes them on holiday etc. It leaves my budget a bit short as I am paying for a house I wouldn't have if I was the non resident parent but it feels fair

His text sounds arsey though so I would see if he owes you ££ for the last few months first and point that out to him - maybe just in days eg you have had his son for 2 days more a week x 15= 30 days. He is having him for 3 days more a week x40 = 16 so you owe him one day eg £10

What I do is divide the amount after things that are paid for (eg footie subscriptions) up by the number of days to get a daily rate.

Does the CMS cover all the costs?!?

Or half the costs, I should say.

Is there something that I’ve missed?

Some people are Unbelievable on here and seem to always want to go against a mum... so weird!

Suggesting OP pays?’ What is wrong with you?

She had their shared son from March-July on the same amount of money, £160, which seems very little anyway. Her food bills electricity etc would have gone up.

Her ex obviously cares for the other child or wouldn’t have him as well- the child may not be The ex biological child but maybe before they broke him he was bringing him up as his biological child and seems happy to continue doing so.

Her ex is now having the children for 20 days in august and not weekends... that is is 1/4 of what the mum has just done... and she did that all alone during lockdown.

YANBU if he is with you the majority of the time. £160 is a tiny amount as it is.

Hmmm @Spinachfinger could it be possible that his mum/dad have suggested he stops paying maintenance in August? Are they unhappy he pays you regularly? I don't think you're being unreasonable at all in expecting to be paid in August. Have you explained that your outgoings have went up significantly during lockdown? That you were the sole carer and didn't ask for anything extra then? If I were you, I'd respond by stating you are shocked by the tone of his message and if necessary will seek support from the CMS in ensuring you are paid a regular figure each month . Get all figures worked out formally. For what it's worth, my DH pays £325 a month religiously for his DD. We have two young DD together who he supports to, as well as a mortgage, child care costs etc. He earns just under £40,000 and pays this regardless of the times we have her mid week or through holidays.

Unless you are both earning the same salary, the amount you would be expected to pay to each other wouldn't be the same. CMS is a portion of your income, less overnight stays over the year. It's worth running the figures through the calculator to see what you would pay vs what he would pay bases on your respective salaries.

My advice is go through Csa. I’ve never looked back since, I used to get 160 and only 2 over nights a month, now I get 185 and one over night a week or he has to pay 216...

Save arguments and just go through Csa it’s worked out for the year.

Most people who've been furlough Ink ow have saved quite a lot. No cost for entertainment, activities, transport, petrol etc...

He does have a point to some extent, that his costs are definity going to go up a d he is helping a lot by looking after a child he isn't responsible for.

But so petty to raise the issue the way he has unless he raised it before and you ignored him.