Maintenance money

[Spinachfinger]

I'm ready to be told AIBU here but just wondering what others think.

My ex pays maintenance money for my son of £160 per month.

His job means he gets most of the summer holidays off work. Since lockdown in march I have had sole responsibility for my 2 DC (oldest one isn't my exes).

I have been furloughed til the end of july and am going back to work in August. My ex will have both children whilst I am working and he is off.

Since having the boys at home with me full time since March, suffice to say, my bills have gone up (use of tv, computer, note use of oven,washing machine etc), my food bills have increased with the kids being at home all the time and I have bought the majority of the school uniforms etc for september. Ex has been steadily paying me £160 pm all this time. All good.

Today (yesterday) I wake up to a text from him saying "Do you think it's right I should be paying you £160 for august when I will be having them whilst you're at work? You food bill will be smaller and my costs will go up with extra food and days out etc. Should you not be paying me £160 instead?".

I was a bit taken aback to be woken up by this text.

He mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he would pay me maintenance money for July and August. He said that he would pay me £100 on the 16th July and the remaining £220 at the end of july which would cover July/August maintenance payments. He also said on top of this he would go halves on the school uniform costs.

The 17th of July came and he had transferred £60 to my account. I asked him what this was for and he said for maintenance and that he would pay me the rest at the end of the month. I mentioned to him that he agreed to put £100 in and pay £220 at the end of the month. He said "yes sorry I forgot, do you want £40 now?". I said no, just pay £260 at the end of the month instead if its easier. He accepted this, I have it in my text messages.

So I don't get why he has shifted the goal posts with his text this morning. And the way he worded sounded argumentative to me.

A further thing is that he lives with his mum and dad and pays them no rent whatsoever. His outgoings are minimal. My money has been going out of my account like no tomorrow with food and bills, plus school uniforms etc. He is bringing in a full time wage and pays next to nothing out of it.

What does the MN jury think? Should I pay him £160 if he has them over August? Even if we have pre agreed something else? I will still be having the kids at the weekends and it is only for 4 weeks that he will have them then they are my full time responsibility again when school starts.

If hes havingthe kids for the month you should be paying him. The same as he should pay you when you have them. Why would he pay you when he has them.

Are you paying him to look after the eldest? Why is he having your child for a month that's not his? Even if he is fond of him you really will have to give money for him he is not your exs responsibility at all. He sounds nice even having him.

You need to give him £160 for his child then a decent babysitting / food / utility using budget for the child that is not his.

Does he pay for youre other child op? I agree you should pay the 160 as hes doing childcare for both dc and is cheaper than a childminder

Why is he having your child for a month that's not his?

Perhaps he loves and cares about a child who he presumably used to live with?

Perhaps he sees his child’s sibling as part of the family unit, rather than expecting his own bio child to be split from his sibling for a month.

I think it’s fair enough that he pays a reduced amount while he’s doing the childcare, especially as he’s doing you a huge favour by having both of your children when one isn’t his. He sounds like a good Dad and a nice bloke, you could reach a compromise. I don’t think you should be paying him, but I don’t think it’s fair for you to take the usual full amount from him either.

If op pays ex 160 instead of him paying her, she will be 320 down not 160. (160 she's paying, and 160 she's not getting)

Is ex having the children overnight ? Or is op sorting evening meals and associated costs?

The £160 a month he pays is not just for food and clothes for the child, it's to cover rent, heat, water etc. If it was me I would offer to drop the amount by £60 as he is looking after your over son too, it would cost you more than that to put him into holiday club etc.

He's looking after them for a few hours a day, not having residence for a month. Send them with a packed lunch & keep things as they are. If he moans tell him you'll consider his half of school uniform costs & the extra his DC cost March to July as payment for caring for your other DC.

Don't pay him or accept less maintenance for goodness sake. The people telling you that you should either didn't read your post properly, have big internalised misogyny issues or are sour about their partners paying an ex maintenance.

Is he having the boys over night for the whole of August or just during the day? Because CSA only count over nights. Also, I would imagine £160 per month is quite low unless he has your son overnight a lot?

I would probably allow him to reduce the maintenance to £100 for August but that's it. You've still got bills to pay on the house that your children live in and he clearly hasn't gone halves on uniforms year either.

On the basis the amount of maintenance is agreed and not disputed:
I think given he is looking after the child that isn’t his (which for some reason feels like a big ask to me) I’d agree with his proposal that you pay him that month given he will be paying for all that child’s food etc plus the child you have together. I’d expect the full payment for July though.

If you take your eldest out of the picture then no you shouldn't be paying him and he ought to have paid slightly more the last few months he hasn't had him.

Adding the eldest into it makes it more complicated as he has no obligation to have him or feed him he is doing you a favour.

For those saying £160 isnt a lot you don't know how often the father normally has him or what his salary is

@lyingwanker just because csa don't count days doesn't mean children are free to keep then. Also OPs ex doesn't need to contribute to both kids they aren't both his

So he hasn’t had his son at all since lockdown? I think I’d remind him of that and tell him bills have been much increased since then. It’s good of him to have your other son for August, but you’ve paid everything since lockdown for his child who he hasn’t had over, so I think him having them for August and still paying maintenance is fair. You still have rent/mortgage/bills etc even if the boys are with him. Presumably you’re having them overnight/feeding them during August?

Is he just having them during the day or are they basically moving there for the month?

I do think he is being tight, but he also had a point.
I think you should tell him to give you half for August, because he be feeding the children.

Yes you should be paying him rather than the other way round when he is looking after the children.

The amount won't necessarily be the same because it will depend on your income.

I wouldn’t give him anything without checking how the extra time compares to all the time he has missed, then checking cms for what he should have paid in July aug given zero contact. Remember it’s 320 to the op if he doesn’t pay AND she pays him so the most I’d consider is him paying less. But not if the child isn’t staying overnight.

So he seriously doesn't realise how rent/mortgage/council tax/standing charges for utilities count.

Even if he has them over August has he had them the number of nights per year that the CMA calculation was based on. I suspect not.

rent/mortgage/council tax/standing charges for utilities count

OP would have those costs as a adult anyway.

I think he’s right not to pay for the month he has his child as you won’t have any child related costs but expecting him to have a child that’s not his and provide a months childcare, food etc for free is highly cheeky imo. How much would it have cost for paid childcare alone?

I don’t know what my view is on this as the child that is not his does complicate the situation. I think it’s nice of him to have him though. You should stick to CMS in future then your ex can’t adjust the figure where ever he feels like. Call CMS and explain your ex did no over night childcare from March-July as the figure doesn’t sound like £160 reflects that. Is he in a decent job?

So you’re expecting him to keep a child that isn’t his and you’re not going to pay towards that? Why?

@Delaberge surely that works both ways then? OP has had their child 100% of the time for the entire lockdown and had not received an extra penny off ex. It doesn't seem like she expected extra though and neither have I in the same situation. However, ex IS expecting payment to look after HIS OWN child throughout the day. I totally agree that his costs for the other child should be covered, that's a big ask but we don't know the situation. Maybe he brought the child up from being a baby and so feels just as close?

When people babysat my youngest 2 whilst I worked I would often send them with a pack up so it didn't cost them anything extra.

For what it's worth I think he's being very money grabbing. Fair enough if he wants his additional costs for the eldest covering but for him not to pay any maintenance is taking the piss. That is, unless he is having the children 100% of the time for a month, including overnights?

Remind him that everything he said has been the situation you've been in for the last 4 months, whilst he had no contact and was fannying around with partial payments!

Tell him very plainly, don't try to sugarcoat it. Just hold that mirror up for him!

Maintenance is the costs for over a whole year...

Your mortgage/rent/council tax etc doesn't decrease whilst they aren't there!!!