Maintenance money

[Spinachfinger]

I'm ready to be told AIBU here but just wondering what others think.

My ex pays maintenance money for my son of £160 per month.

His job means he gets most of the summer holidays off work. Since lockdown in march I have had sole responsibility for my 2 DC (oldest one isn't my exes).

I have been furloughed til the end of july and am going back to work in August. My ex will have both children whilst I am working and he is off.

Since having the boys at home with me full time since March, suffice to say, my bills have gone up (use of tv, computer, note use of oven,washing machine etc), my food bills have increased with the kids being at home all the time and I have bought the majority of the school uniforms etc for september. Ex has been steadily paying me £160 pm all this time. All good.

Today (yesterday) I wake up to a text from him saying "Do you think it's right I should be paying you £160 for august when I will be having them whilst you're at work? You food bill will be smaller and my costs will go up with extra food and days out etc. Should you not be paying me £160 instead?".

I was a bit taken aback to be woken up by this text.

He mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he would pay me maintenance money for July and August. He said that he would pay me £100 on the 16th July and the remaining £220 at the end of july which would cover July/August maintenance payments. He also said on top of this he would go halves on the school uniform costs.

The 17th of July came and he had transferred £60 to my account. I asked him what this was for and he said for maintenance and that he would pay me the rest at the end of the month. I mentioned to him that he agreed to put £100 in and pay £220 at the end of the month. He said "yes sorry I forgot, do you want £40 now?". I said no, just pay £260 at the end of the month instead if its easier. He accepted this, I have it in my text messages.

So I don't get why he has shifted the goal posts with his text this morning. And the way he worded sounded argumentative to me.

A further thing is that he lives with his mum and dad and pays them no rent whatsoever. His outgoings are minimal. My money has been going out of my account like no tomorrow with food and bills, plus school uniforms etc. He is bringing in a full time wage and pays next to nothing out of it.

What does the MN jury think? Should I pay him £160 if he has them over August? Even if we have pre agreed something else? I will still be having the kids at the weekends and it is only for 4 weeks that he will have them then they are my full time responsibility again when school starts.

Argh excuse the typos.

@Mydogisthebestest

I just think it’s actually rather dishonest of the op not to pay at least something towards the care of her elder child out of the maintenance she gets from the bio dad of that child.

I think she wants a muddled relationship where her ex is morally responsible and has moral obligations towards her elder child, but not legal ones. And that is just a bit of a mess.

It's not dishonest to ask for advice on an open forum.

Why haven’t you offered him some of the maintenance you get for DS1 to cover his costs? Surely that’s an easy solution - he pays you what he owes you, less whatever % of DS1s maintenance covers 25 days out of 31 (or whatever it works out to)?

And paying half the school uniform for a child that’s not (biologically) his: big woop.

Correct on the face of it and when taken in isolation. But when put into context of raising another child as his own despite having spilt from their mother it is a big deal.

The thing is, he’s not legally anything to that child. He’s 7. If the op wanted, she could stop him having any contact with him, and there would be very little he could do about it (and hardly even that, if they weren’t married).

@Mydogisthebestest

Why haven’t you offered him some of the maintenance you get for DS1 to cover his costs? Surely that’s an easy solution - he pays you what he owes you, less whatever % of DS1s maintenance covers 25 days out of 31 (or whatever it works out to)?

I havent offered anything yet as I wanted to get other peoples perspectives on the matter. He hasnt been round yet so we havent talked about it. He will be picking the boys up later this evening. And your assumption I wouldnt give anything is a bit I just dont see how I should give him the full amount which he gives me. He has been working, I have not, I have been furloughed since March, so yes still getting paid, but no, not as much.

Here is my honest thoughts. Roles reversed, had I have raised a child since he was a baby as my own, I would see them as my own. If they went to live with ex and he had them on a full time basis and worked his arse off looking after them without a break for months on end, the last thing I would do is ask for money off him. If anything I would have provided more in lockdown and tried to give him a break as often as I could. But that's where me and him differ. Plus he brought up the money in the first place and say he would give x and y on such a date. I never mentioned it. HE brought it up in convo. I agreed. HE pulled the rug. Can you see why I'm a bit peeved. Just smacks of pettiness.

But in the gentlest way possible, he’s not you. None of us are.

It’s easy to say if I was him I’d do xyz, but none of know how we would feel in that situation.

If you want reliable money every month you need to go to CMS.

But that risks upsetting the applecart with your elder son and their relationship. And runs the very real risk that he won’t do childcare for your elder child.

You need to evaluate the risk of that and decide if it’s worth it.

@Mydogisthebestest

But in the gentlest way possible, he’s not you. None of us are.

It’s easy to say if I was him I’d do xyz, but none of know how we would feel in that situation.

If you want reliable money every month you need to go to CMS.

But that risks upsetting the applecart with your elder son and their relationship. And runs the very real risk that he won’t do childcare for your elder child.

You need to evaluate the risk of that and decide if it’s worth it.

If he does that, he is a bigger fool than I thought.

Why do you say he would be a fool?

I’m afraid the phase gift horse springs to mind.

Cutting ties with someone who sees you as their parent is pretty foolish no? It will not only impact the eldest but the youngest too.

It is likely to impact far far more on your child than it ever would on him.

I’d say you’d be the bigger fool to be honest.

Men do it all the time to their bio kids. Don’t take it for granted.

@HogDogKetchup

I’m afraid the phase gift horse springs to mind.

Like I said, I'd be more inclined to give money to his parents. Since they are gifting the food and extra costs. Ex is gifting his time.

Yes. Difference being time comes with a price tag usually. Most of us settle a hefty bill for the “gift” of childcare.

If he wanted to cut your elder child off, all he would have to say to your younger would be “I’m not his daddy. He has his own daddy.” And at 4 your child would come to accept that, because it’s the truth.

@Mydogisthebestest

If he truly saw the elder child as his own, he’d be paying maintenance for that child. He’s not.

Gosh don’t you think your expecting too much. Most people wouldn’t pay for a child that’s not theirs. A lot of people are forgetting including OP that she’s receiving free childcare... for BOTH HER kids!!

In all fairness she should be grateful despite the ex’s living arrangements CMS don’t include things like that.. Also he only pays £160 a month so he’s hardly rolling in it!

@Mydogisthebestest

It is likely to impact far far more on your child than it ever would on him.

I’d say you’d be the bigger fool to be honest.

This is very true!

It’s not free childcare for their joint child., to be fair. That’s parenting.

But he's caring for a child who isn't his, for free.

@Wannakisstheteacher

But he's caring for a child who isn't his, for free.

Absolutely. And the op seems to thinks she’s doing him a favour

@Mydogisthebestest

The thing is, he’s not legally anything to that child. He’s 7. If the op wanted, she could stop him having any contact with him, and there would be very little he could do about it (and hardly even that, if they weren’t married).

This is true.

Fortunately it sounds like the OP and her ex are both fairly reasonable adults who try to put the children first. I agree though that neither the ex nor the child has any guarantee.

It’s not free childcare for their joint child., to be fair. That’s parenting.

Although in reality most parents (including parents who are still together) find themselves having to pay for childcare during the working day. I’m not suggesting OP should shoulder that cost alone but the fact is free childcare is still a massive bonus.

@Mydogisthebestest

It’s not free childcare for their joint child., to be fair. That’s parenting.

The other child isn’t his. I agree with OP and her point she’s absolutely right. But if I read correctly this split is recent? Men tend to have the upper hand as OP put “men can pull the rug at any point” who mentioned money first? It was the EX I’m not against OP here. But her ex doesn’t have to have the child that is not his OP seems to be under an illusion that he won’t refuse.... (it’s all early days) let OP rock the boat for the sake of £160 for TWO kids and I’ll be waiting to hear how much it cost her in play schemes!!

Lots of bio dads don’t have their kids like another poster said. By no means am I against OP but I do think there’s an element of greediness here.

@Mydogisthebestest

It’s not free childcare for their joint child., to be fair. That’s parenting.

Yes it’s parenting for a child that’s not his... also it’s a recent split...