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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maintenance money

215 replies

Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 02:21

I'm ready to be told AIBU here but just wondering what others think.

My ex pays maintenance money for my son of £160 per month.

His job means he gets most of the summer holidays off work. Since lockdown in march I have had sole responsibility for my 2 DC (oldest one isn't my exes).

I have been furloughed til the end of july and am going back to work in August. My ex will have both children whilst I am working and he is off.

Since having the boys at home with me full time since March, suffice to say, my bills have gone up (use of tv, computer, note use of oven,washing machine etc), my food bills have increased with the kids being at home all the time and I have bought the majority of the school uniforms etc for september. Ex has been steadily paying me £160 pm all this time. All good.

Today (yesterday) I wake up to a text from him saying "Do you think it's right I should be paying you £160 for august when I will be having them whilst you're at work? You food bill will be smaller and my costs will go up with extra food and days out etc. Should you not be paying me £160 instead?".

I was a bit taken aback to be woken up by this text.

He mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he would pay me maintenance money for July and August. He said that he would pay me £100 on the 16th July and the remaining £220 at the end of july which would cover July/August maintenance payments. He also said on top of this he would go halves on the school uniform costs.

The 17th of July came and he had transferred £60 to my account. I asked him what this was for and he said for maintenance and that he would pay me the rest at the end of the month. I mentioned to him that he agreed to put £100 in and pay £220 at the end of the month. He said "yes sorry I forgot, do you want £40 now?". I said no, just pay £260 at the end of the month instead if its easier. He accepted this, I have it in my text messages.

So I don't get why he has shifted the goal posts with his text this morning. And the way he worded sounded argumentative to me.

A further thing is that he lives with his mum and dad and pays them no rent whatsoever. His outgoings are minimal. My money has been going out of my account like no tomorrow with food and bills, plus school uniforms etc. He is bringing in a full time wage and pays next to nothing out of it.

What does the MN jury think? Should I pay him £160 if he has them over August? Even if we have pre agreed something else? I will still be having the kids at the weekends and it is only for 4 weeks that he will have them then they are my full time responsibility again when school starts.

OP posts:
HogDogKetchup · 24/07/2020 16:11

If you receive maintenance for DS1 it definitely seems fair that the ex gets some sort of contribution to his costs.

Why would you get 100% of one maintenance. The shared care element isn’t reflective of the situ for DS1.

I’d be inclined to keep stum. Childcare is bloody expensive.

I think a lot of goodwill has been extended by ex and his parents. It’s not worth losing that for £160.

RandomMess · 24/07/2020 16:14

Do you think OP should pay for her eldest to stay overnight each week as well then?

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 16:19

Yes random I do. Based on the % of days - even if it’s only a tenner a week she should offer.

Plus she’s getting child care for that child for a month and she’s not paying for it at all.

And like it or not, she gets money to keep that child and she won’t have that child most of the time.

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 16:20

And the ex and his parents could quite easily say sod it. We won’t take him at all then. And is it actually worth that for the sake of £160?

OverTheRainbow88 · 24/07/2020 16:22

@Mydogisthebestest

But that doesn’t make up for the fact OP had their shared child march-July and didn’t ask for more money even though her costs went up. I think you’re being totally unrealistic and harsh.

OverTheRainbow88 · 24/07/2020 16:23

He sees the other child as his own so is unlikely to say sod it!

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 16:23

Maintenance is worked out on a per year basis. If the number of days from March to now (taking into account the extra days in august) means the op is due an increase in her maintenance from this ex, she should, of course, get it.

HogDogKetchup · 24/07/2020 16:24

OP’s argument for having a child that is shared for several months by herself holds much less weight than her ex having a child that isn’t his for a month...

CremeEggThief · 24/07/2020 16:24

Haven't read the full thread, but don't you dare pay him! What a CF he is.Angry

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 16:24

If he truly saw the elder child as his own, he’d be paying maintenance for that child. He’s not.

OverTheRainbow88 · 24/07/2020 16:25

I think that’s a terrible argument as the bio dad is paying.

I think you’re just trying to be difficult

OverTheRainbow88 · 24/07/2020 16:26

He sees the child as his... that’s all that matters

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 16:28

I just think it’s actually rather dishonest of the op not to pay at least something towards the care of her elder child out of the maintenance she gets from the bio dad of that child.

I think she wants a muddled relationship where her ex is morally responsible and has moral obligations towards her elder child, but not legal ones. And that is just a bit of a mess.

HogDogKetchup · 24/07/2020 16:29

Why would he volunteer to pay CMS because he loves him? You’re saying money equals love and that’s clearly not the case.

OverTheRainbow88 · 24/07/2020 16:29

Why does it bother you that much?

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 16:30

No more than it bothers you 😂

OverTheRainbow88 · 24/07/2020 16:30

@HogDogKetchup

Literally no idea what you’re on about now about love and money?!!!

maddening · 24/07/2020 16:35

Reply "yes as you did not have them for xx days and I shouldered the full additional cost of homeschooling from March to July."

HogDogKetchup · 24/07/2020 16:37

If he truly saw the elder child as his own, he’d be paying maintenance for that child. He’s not.

I was responding to that. I don’t agree.

Original poster
Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 16:38

@Mydogisthebestest

And the ex and his parents could quite easily say sod it. We won’t take him at all then. And is it actually worth that for the sake of £160?
This seems highly unlikely.
OP posts:
Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 16:40

I actually think this bloke isn’t doing anything wrong.

When he has the kids, he takes one who isn’t his own. And he pays what CMS says for maintenance for his own child, and in addition appears to be paying half the uniform for a child that isn’t his. As well as providing a month of childcare, including a week for the op when she isn’t at work, for a child that isn’t his, as well as taking his own child additional days.

Every other weekend from March to now is hypothetically 20 days he missed. He’s having them roughly 25. The op isn’t losing out. And she’s keeping her maintenance for her own child and not sharing any of it.

There’s a discussion around CMS rates and are the adequate etc, for sure, but this man at this point is doing more than the law asks of him and I wouldn’t upset that applecart for the sake of £160 when childcare for the month will be way more than that, and when the 7 year old would be upset if the ops ex withdrew from the relationship.

OverTheRainbow88 · 24/07/2020 16:46

@HogDogKetchup

Ah ok!! Sorry, yes I also don’t agree with that statement.

lyralalala · 24/07/2020 16:47

@Mydogisthebestest

If he truly saw the elder child as his own, he’d be paying maintenance for that child. He’s not.
Why would he do that when the biological father already pays?
Original poster
Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 16:48

@Mydogisthebestest ex doesn't differentiate between his he treats eldest and youngest. Not on the say to day matters. He is not really going to say ds1 "you're not mine so I'm not going to pay for you/have you stay over/whatever else".

They have a bond so he isn't likely to try and trash that, I think his common sense would kick in before he devastates a young boy. Besides he is good friends with my parents still, so they would have something to day about that. He sees him as his son!! The only reason he is asking for maintenance is because he is having BOTH of them over the summer period and I can see his POV. He hasn't once said "I'm looking after YOUR son, so I'm entitled to the maintenance you get from his dad". He has simply put it in terms of having both will increase his outgoings. He hasn't separated ds1 from ds1 in his decision making so I think you are making something there that isn't. He regards to two of them as brothers and coming together as a package because he has raised ds1 since being a baby.

He has threatened to dump ds1 in the sense of questioning what happens when I get into a new relationship and the kids have a new step dad. I said well as long as you maintain contact with the children if and when that happens then all is well.

OP posts:
Inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing · 24/07/2020 16:48

I actually think this bloke isn’t doing anything wrong.

While everything you say is correct on the face of it, I really think it’s a sad state of affairs when the best you can say about a parent is that they’re not doing anything wrong.

And paying half the school uniform for a child that’s not (biologically) his: big woop. I’m not a high earner by any means but I think I’d easily spend that on the neighbours’ kids in a year (non-UK so different rules here). Their mother is really struggling and the father refuses to pay anything. Someone has to step up, and I’m no saint I can tell you, but I’m happy to do it for the children.