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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Maintenance money

215 replies

Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 02:21

I'm ready to be told AIBU here but just wondering what others think.

My ex pays maintenance money for my son of £160 per month.

His job means he gets most of the summer holidays off work. Since lockdown in march I have had sole responsibility for my 2 DC (oldest one isn't my exes).

I have been furloughed til the end of july and am going back to work in August. My ex will have both children whilst I am working and he is off.

Since having the boys at home with me full time since March, suffice to say, my bills have gone up (use of tv, computer, note use of oven,washing machine etc), my food bills have increased with the kids being at home all the time and I have bought the majority of the school uniforms etc for september. Ex has been steadily paying me £160 pm all this time. All good.

Today (yesterday) I wake up to a text from him saying "Do you think it's right I should be paying you £160 for august when I will be having them whilst you're at work? You food bill will be smaller and my costs will go up with extra food and days out etc. Should you not be paying me £160 instead?".

I was a bit taken aback to be woken up by this text.

He mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he would pay me maintenance money for July and August. He said that he would pay me £100 on the 16th July and the remaining £220 at the end of july which would cover July/August maintenance payments. He also said on top of this he would go halves on the school uniform costs.

The 17th of July came and he had transferred £60 to my account. I asked him what this was for and he said for maintenance and that he would pay me the rest at the end of the month. I mentioned to him that he agreed to put £100 in and pay £220 at the end of the month. He said "yes sorry I forgot, do you want £40 now?". I said no, just pay £260 at the end of the month instead if its easier. He accepted this, I have it in my text messages.

So I don't get why he has shifted the goal posts with his text this morning. And the way he worded sounded argumentative to me.

A further thing is that he lives with his mum and dad and pays them no rent whatsoever. His outgoings are minimal. My money has been going out of my account like no tomorrow with food and bills, plus school uniforms etc. He is bringing in a full time wage and pays next to nothing out of it.

What does the MN jury think? Should I pay him £160 if he has them over August? Even if we have pre agreed something else? I will still be having the kids at the weekends and it is only for 4 weeks that he will have them then they are my full time responsibility again when school starts.

OP posts:
Polly111 · 24/07/2020 17:46

Fellow single mum here and I think YABU.

If he’s paying £160 pm on a £19k wage then I don’t think it’s been adjusted for the fact that he has your son once a week, you should double the total number of nights he has in the calculation to make it fair.

£160 wouldn’t even get you a weeks childcare never mind the whole month so I think you’re getting a pretty good deal here, plus the fact that you’ll still be getting maintenance for your eldest even though he won’t be with you.

I actually think your ex has been pretty decent continuing the relationship with your eldest and agreeing to have them both together. As someone else said it would have been pretty easy for him to say to your youngest that his brother isn’t his and stop seeing him. I really wouldn’t rock the boat for the sake of £160 as I think you’ve got a good set up here.

I think the only thing your ex has done that has been unreasonable is dropping this on you at the last minute, but maybe he didn’t really think about it until recently, or until someone else pointed it out to him.

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 17:46

I agree. An I think the op is at risk of cutting off her nose to spite her face.

He shouldn’t be messing her around with money and ideally he should pay on time - but the way to guarantee that is go to CMS. which has risks for the op wrt her other child.

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 17:47

I’ve just had a thought.

If he’s off work in July and August does he even get a wage?

Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 17:50

Well I've considered all points made so thank you for your thoughts. I'm going to have a big chat with him when he comes so we know what is expected of the other and no nasty surprises. I'm not averse for paying for my kids over the holidays, but we are pretty new to this scenario and it would be good if we could get the plans in place now and at least have some sort of template to work to in future. Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 17:53

@Mydogisthebestest he has been working in july, today is his last day. His wages are pro rata afaik.

OP posts:
HogDogKetchup · 24/07/2020 17:54

I hope it all goes ok SpinachFinger. It sounds like you’re both generally decent people.

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 17:55

So will he get paid in august?

If he’s a teacher for eg his money is evened out to cover holidays.

Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 17:56

Thank you, we both try to be in our ways Smile we are sometimes off the mark with each other though. I've considered all points based on input here. Thank you MN.

OP posts:
Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 17:57

Yes he will get paid in august. He goes back to work the last week of Aug, which I am taking as annual leave so childcare reverts back to me.

OP posts:
Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 17:57

I hope the talk goes well and you get it sorted.

Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 18:05

Thank you Mydog

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 25/07/2020 02:22

If he’s off work in July and August does he even get a wage? Even if he didn’t, he literally doesn’t even pay his own food bill, so I’m sure he could scrape it together in other months to cover the pay gaps.

HathorX · 25/07/2020 03:16

I think he is being really petty. Calculate approx how much your bills went up during lockdown, and ask for 50% of that amount from him. Subtract the £160 he wants off you for August. He will probably still owe you money.

Mydogisthebestest · 25/07/2020 06:55

@HathorX

I think he is being really petty. Calculate approx how much your bills went up during lockdown, and ask for 50% of that amount from him. Subtract the £160 he wants off you for August. He will probably still owe you money.
If she does that, then to be fair the op would have to

Take off that calculation how much her elder child contributed to those additional costs (elder child is not her ex partners and she receives maintenance from his birth father for him)

And

Calculate what proportion of the maintenance for her DS1 that her ex should receive based on the number of overnights he has him for.

dontdisturbmenow · 25/07/2020 08:05

Like I said, I'd be more inclined to give money to his parents. Since they are gifting the food and extra costs. Ex is gifting his time
This reminds me of fathers who say they want to give maintenance directly to their 16+ yo because they loath to give the money to the mother.

I think you are being very selective in how you expect him to act and feel towards your eldest. You expect him to treat him exactly like his biological son yet seem to ignore the points that he has no rights all over him and could lose all contact at any time. This makes a massive difference.

I hope the conversation went well and you acknowledge that it was more than fair to pass on most of the maintenance you get for your eldest.

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