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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Maintenance money

215 replies

Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 02:21

I'm ready to be told AIBU here but just wondering what others think.

My ex pays maintenance money for my son of £160 per month.

His job means he gets most of the summer holidays off work. Since lockdown in march I have had sole responsibility for my 2 DC (oldest one isn't my exes).

I have been furloughed til the end of july and am going back to work in August. My ex will have both children whilst I am working and he is off.

Since having the boys at home with me full time since March, suffice to say, my bills have gone up (use of tv, computer, note use of oven,washing machine etc), my food bills have increased with the kids being at home all the time and I have bought the majority of the school uniforms etc for september. Ex has been steadily paying me £160 pm all this time. All good.

Today (yesterday) I wake up to a text from him saying "Do you think it's right I should be paying you £160 for august when I will be having them whilst you're at work? You food bill will be smaller and my costs will go up with extra food and days out etc. Should you not be paying me £160 instead?".

I was a bit taken aback to be woken up by this text.

He mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he would pay me maintenance money for July and August. He said that he would pay me £100 on the 16th July and the remaining £220 at the end of july which would cover July/August maintenance payments. He also said on top of this he would go halves on the school uniform costs.

The 17th of July came and he had transferred £60 to my account. I asked him what this was for and he said for maintenance and that he would pay me the rest at the end of the month. I mentioned to him that he agreed to put £100 in and pay £220 at the end of the month. He said "yes sorry I forgot, do you want £40 now?". I said no, just pay £260 at the end of the month instead if its easier. He accepted this, I have it in my text messages.

So I don't get why he has shifted the goal posts with his text this morning. And the way he worded sounded argumentative to me.

A further thing is that he lives with his mum and dad and pays them no rent whatsoever. His outgoings are minimal. My money has been going out of my account like no tomorrow with food and bills, plus school uniforms etc. He is bringing in a full time wage and pays next to nothing out of it.

What does the MN jury think? Should I pay him £160 if he has them over August? Even if we have pre agreed something else? I will still be having the kids at the weekends and it is only for 4 weeks that he will have them then they are my full time responsibility again when school starts.

OP posts:
Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 14:23

[quote OhCaptain]@Spinachfinger just be prepared to pay childcare costs for ds1.

Personally, I'd consider it because I wouldn't like this constantly being held over a barrel by him.

Because it's not just access to his son, is it? It's having your older son. And while he might love him he has no obligation to him, as you know. And he sounds the exact type to charge you or refuse to see him again.

It's all well and good telling him that would be a shame but you have to think about the long term affects.

I don't mean emotional ones, because that wouldn't be your fault. But there'll be no more overnights, no more childcare etc.

Can you feasibly and financially work that out?[/quote]
If that did happen, I would have to see when I got there.

OP posts:
Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 14:26

@RandomMess his parents don't get involved in anything. I think they are too elderly, certainly in his mothers case (she has dementia) and his dad is really placid, wouldnt say boo to a goose sort of person. They are lovely, well-meaning people but both in their 80s and don't really have much input as to what goes on under their roof, as weird as that sounds. I would definitely feel better if I gave them a contribution since they buy the food and pay the bills. They see my ds1 as their own grandson and treat him as such at xmas, birthdays etc.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 24/07/2020 14:29

If that did happen, I would have to see when I got there.

I would have it in mind though when dealing with him!

It’s all well and good relying on his calling your bluff or whatever. But say he says “fine, I’m not taking eldest in August”.

Do you have something you can have in place within a week for childcare?!

Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 14:32

Worst case scenario I could probably pull something together. Possibly Confused

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 24/07/2020 14:36

I think you need to be sure before you have any conversation!

I’m not defending him or anything, I’m just saying - prepare for every eventuality!

RandomMess · 24/07/2020 14:41

How old are the DC?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 24/07/2020 14:42

[quote Spinachfinger]@HugeAckmansWife I have sorted CMS for ds1 as his dad did a bunk the minute I got pregnant. But ex has raised him as his own since he was a baby. He treats him the same as the other.[/quote]
If you get maintenance for DS1 I think you should pass that onto him for the month of August.

Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 14:54

@RandomMess 7 and 4

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 24/07/2020 14:55

I live at the opposite end of the country to my first husband, so his contact has always been the equivalent of one night a week, but condensed into the school holidays. He often had our dc for a full month in the summer, but still paid CM for that month, as his payments were worked out annually and pro rata (I guess in the same way as teachers are still paid in the summer holidays).

netflixismysidehustle · 24/07/2020 14:57

Do you earn the same as your ex? Maintenance is a percentage of income so £160 might not be right for your wages.

lyralalala · 24/07/2020 15:10

I wouldn't pay him a penny, but I wouldn't take any money for August either.

A month of childcare for your eldest is easily worth £160

lyralalala · 24/07/2020 15:11

Get the money for July and the uniforms though. He owes you that

RandomMess · 24/07/2020 15:12

Perhaps you need to have the discussion yet again.

Do you consider DS1 as yours or not? If you think I should pay you to look after him then you need to be honest and tell me that?

Spinachfinger · 24/07/2020 15:15

@netflixismysidehustle I earn less as I'm p/t at the mo

OP posts:
Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 15:17

I’d be paying 1/2 of both uniforms?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 24/07/2020 15:29

RandomMess the problem with pushing the ex is that OP (and DS1) have the most to lose. Let's face it the ex sounds a bit of a shit, but is it really in DS1's best interest if his mum and his dad figure have a massive bust up? Will that be the ex's fault/all on him? Yes. Will knowing that be of comfort to the poor little 7yo caught in the middle? No.

netflixismysidehustle · 24/07/2020 15:35

If you earn less then you should look on the CM calculator and see what you'd be paying if you were NRP. It's unfair if you pay the same out of a smaller income. I know that your son doesn't cost less if he lives with Dad but CM is calculated as a percentage of NRP income not how much the child costs.

OhCaptain · 24/07/2020 15:35

I don’t think that’s wise @RandomMess!

“If you don’t pay for ds1 you don’t love him” is a bit much!

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 15:41

I wouldn’t pay for a child that wasn’t mine and for whom the resident parent was already getting maintenance from their other parent. I don’t know anyone who would tbh.

RandomMess · 24/07/2020 15:43

I never said question whether he loves him, I said ask if he thinks he should be paid to look after him?

This is actually what he is implying by saying does the op think he should pay Maintenance in August!!! He is saying if he looks after the DC he should be paid...

Don't have to aggressive just state the obvious...

If he says well yes, then the OP can say ok well we can reduce monthly maintenance accordingly but it still gets paid monthly on time... OP needs to know what the niggle is about - does he not understand its nights across the whole year or is it about he thinks OP should contribute towards DS1 or is he simply being a controlling arse?

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 15:49

Why shouldn’t he get a contribution towards the keep of a child who has no legal obligation to pay towards and where the op receives maintenance from the NRP for?

RandomMess · 24/07/2020 16:01

@Mydogisthebestest because it's his son???

When my eldest lives with my ex-Husband (not her bio Dad) I happily paid maintenance and handed over her bio Dads maintenance. When she lived with me he didn't pay maintenance but neither did I pay him to have her - she is his daughter!!! They both wanted to spend time together...

OP needs to know if he expects that, if he does then she can decide what to do. If he is that mercenary then how long before he ditches DC1 altogether?

comingintomyown · 24/07/2020 16:03

If your ex was living on tight margins then yes he could skip the August payment but as he isn’t it sounds petty and mean to me. The fact he’s treated your eldest as his own is lovely but not if it’s a tap to be switched on and off at his whim.
It may have been said but you have checked the CMS calculation yourself ? I’m so glad my XH wasn’t like this, it’s disheartening when you are the RP and what you do cannot be monetised and then you have him bleating over £160

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 16:06

But legally it’s not his son. And he doesn’t view him that way or else he’d be paying maintenance.

Plus. The op already gets maintenance for that child - which she is keeping when the child will be elsewhere.

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 16:07

And the op isn’t handing over her maintenance from her eldest’s bio dad for the month or so he’s with her ex. Which is unfair.