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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boy mum and girl mum double standards

223 replies

Pumi23 · 23/07/2020 11:38

I really want to get a perspective on this as I’m curious what others think. I just read and replied to another post about a woman not wanting her MIL to move in with her but when you read the thread you realise her own mother lives with her brother and his family and often comes to stay with herself and her DH which he never complains about. I just see so much of these double standards.

I only have daughters but I often think boy mums have a rough deal as the girls naturally are more accommodating and accepting of their own mums. I try to be fair to both my DM and MIL. I don’t have “rules” for my MIL like others seem to have. Both my own mum and my MIL annoy the heck out of me but I don’t show favouritism to my own mum. They are both equally welcome to visit when they want and see my kids when they want. We invited both sets around when kids were born. My friends have been in situations where only the girls parents and family were “allowed” to visit when baby was born but them being in-laws and boys family they had to wait 4 weeks. I just feel it’s really sad she wasn’t allowed to see her own grandchild the sane time as her DIL mum

What do the rest of you think?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 23/07/2020 11:40

It does seem to be the way it goes for some reason, I don't have a MIL as she died long before I met my DH but I'd like to think we would have gotten on well

Grandmi · 23/07/2020 11:44

Yes I agree...am actually quite worried about one day being the dreaded MIL !!! I think people who constantly criticise and mock their MIL forget that it will be them in years to come!! Am sure there is the odd badly behaved MIL but it seems to be an epidemic on MN !

GreyishDays · 23/07/2020 11:46

But it’s not a double standard, her own mother is a mother in law to the woman on the other house.

GreyishDays · 23/07/2020 11:46

*in

zingally · 23/07/2020 11:49

My DH is one of 4 children. 3 boys and 1 girl. The girl being the youngest.
Their mother (my MIL) is an odd character. All the siblings suspect some mental health problems, but never diagnosed with anything. MIL and FIL divorced when the siblings were in their teens. FIL got a new partner fairly quickly. MIL never did, and seemingly has no interest in doing so (which is fair enough).

But whenever there is an "issue" with MIL, it's always my DHs sister who picks up the slack. ALWAYS.

I've tried to encourage DH to see his mum a bit more often, or call her more, but he never wants to. It's always "oh, sister is seeing her soon I think." I feel sorry for SIL, but I don't want to get too involved in what is obviously some complicated family business. The brothers are all a bit "mum has made her own bed..."

I think it's a common thing that boy children generally step away and get on with their own lives, and girl children feel more of a long-term obligation.

Freddiefox · 23/07/2020 11:49

I think it’s certainly the case on mumsnet, and there often seems to be a bit of a power battle.

Lowprofilename · 23/07/2020 11:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 23/07/2020 11:52

Well it's one thing to have someone stay with you every now and then, but quite another to have someone live with you so I don't think you can use that as a comparison. As you just said her own mother lived with her brother so.....

Freddiefox · 23/07/2020 11:53

I think it's a common thing that boy children generally step away and get on with their own lives, and girl children feel more of a long-term obligation.

I certainly feel this is the case, the expectation that a female will be the more interested and caring later on. I also wonder whether women with both sexes put time into their dd whether subconsciously or not as an investment for when they are older, and whether they go on to show as much interest in their sons as adults.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 23/07/2020 11:56

After giving birth its about who the new mother is more comfortable with. In the days after the birth when you're bleeding and leaking and sore and uncomfortable, of course most women want their mum there until things settle down and they feel a bit more human again.

A lot of the time women get treated like incubators, and are deemed unimportant when the baby is born, but their comfort absolutely matters.

I have girls and boys, and I would 100% expect any future DILs to 'favour' their own mother over me in the days after they have given birth.

OneForMeToo · 23/07/2020 12:03

I think a lot of it stems from old fashion views to be honest. The women generally is the one who’s doing all the cleaning and cooking and the shopping and raising the family she may also work while the man just works and does the odd man job of diy.

So when a mum wants to stay, the wife’s mum is someone the wife doesn’t have to cater to as such their views are likely to the be the same no offence at her mum helping wash up, daughter won’t feel she has to be on her best all the time. The mans mum however the load is still on the wife they don’t have that parent child bond so things aren’t as free flowing altogether. The pressure is on to cater to and be this perfect host.

With child birth the mother doesn’t want her mum just to one up with mil it’s that child like instinct that you’ve been though a lot your in pain you want your mum she’s a comfort not a hahaha my mum got to see the baby first.

Women are also expected to be the career for their elderly parents where as boys are not, so the again the daughter stays more involved with their parents life’s keeping a close eye on health etc

Nymeriastark1 · 23/07/2020 12:07

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

After giving birth its about who the new mother is more comfortable with. In the days after the birth when you're bleeding and leaking and sore and uncomfortable, of course most women want their mum there until things settle down and they feel a bit more human again.

A lot of the time women get treated like incubators, and are deemed unimportant when the baby is born, but their comfort absolutely matters.

I have girls and boys, and I would 100% expect any future DILs to 'favour' their own mother over me in the days after they have given birth.

A lot of the time women get treated like incubators, and are deemed unimportant when the baby is born, but their comfort absolutely matters.
^
This. This is exactly how I was made to feel by my mil. Some of the things she said and did where truly vile, and she wondered why my parents got to see our DD more. I refused to see her for over a year because of it. I think she's realised now she can't treat me like that. Thankfully.

MollieMaeve · 23/07/2020 12:07

I’ve observed this from various viewpoints due to coming from a multicultural background (British/Italian/Greek/Indian) and in my opinion it’s cultural rather than any sort of biological need or preference.

It’s much more common in some of my family cultures for the paternal family to be very much the centre with the paternal MIL being the matriarch it revolves around.

Family respect is much more of an intrinsic value in other cultures than in the UK from what I have experienced so all in laws would be treated with equal respect rather than one set being favoured (totally based on my own experience, not any widespread research!).

OneForMeToo · 23/07/2020 12:08

In our families. My sil is constantly at mils house to the stage I wonder if maybe she’s a bit too dependent on her mother tbh I’m talking nearly everyday. She only works term time school hours.

We just don’t have the time to do visiting like that, by the time dh gets home from work the kids are nearly ready for bed. I mean I could walk the children around but I know sils going to be there anyway so it’s rather off putting to feel like I’m intruding on their times and as such she sees her daughters children much more than her sons.

I also don’t take my children to my mothers very often because frankly we are just busy and my family don’t live in each other’s pockets.

Metallicalover · 23/07/2020 12:09

I think it totally depends on the relationship. I find some women favour their daughters over their sons. This has happened with my grandma. Even though my dad does everything for them she still favours her daughter who does big all.

We have a good relationship with both sets of parents. Our parents have known each other for years (were childhood sweethearts so had to communicate when we were younger and been together 17 years).
After my daughter was born my husband called both sets of parents to come to the hospital at the same time as each other and my in laws ended up being the first ones in for visiting.
It did upset my mother as she was worried about me and wanted to make sure I was ok.

My sister and brother in law also have good relationships with both sets of parents and again my parents and brother in laws parents get on well.

My sister in law and brother in law are the same. Brother in laws parents have 2 sons and they are very close to their sons and welcome DIL and Future DIL with open arms.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 23/07/2020 12:13

My mum is as close to me and my DC as she is to her DIL and her DC

My ex mil otoh made it clear when I was pregnant that my children weren't 'real' grandchildren and that her DDs children would be more important when she had them. She then accused me of having an affair and suggested we had a DNA test for ds1. Hmm. She also tells people I get ds1s birthday wrong Confused

I always tried to treat her fairly but it was impossible.

Raimona · 23/07/2020 12:16

It’s likely to be the wife who does most of the cleaning, cooking and running around. So if a parent moves in, the wife will probably be doing the looking after. It stands to reason that she’s more willing to sacrifice and look after her own mother than her DH’s mother. I would look after my own mother but would I hell look after DH’s mother - that’s his problem.

shemadeit · 23/07/2020 12:16

My DH is very close to his mum. We (MIL and I) have had our disagreements in the past but this has no bearing on my husband’s relationship with her and I get on well with her. I have two boys and they spend time with both grans and that’s the way it should be

Froggyfroggy · 23/07/2020 12:17

Hard to say how much in my own (former) marriage was down to double standards, but the relationship was certainly completely different. If my ex-husband had been close to his parents it might not have been, but his relationship with them was only just the right side of hostile, so it didn't augur well for how I would relate to them. As it was it wasn't terrible, just very distant, and not a lot of warmth was shown to the grandchildren or felt by them. I was very close to my own parents (no longer alive) and accordingly my children were close to them too, though they didn't know them for very many years.

I have to admit to being glad in this respect that I have only daughters and not sons, and would like to think I'll be an involved granny when the time comes (though this wouldn't preclude the "other side" being equally so).

Shoxfordian · 23/07/2020 12:18

Obviously I'm much closer to my own mum than my mil. We see my parents more because I want to see my parents more than my dh wants to see his.

Genderwitched · 23/07/2020 12:19

I'm not worried about becoming the dreaded MIL when my son has a partner because I never intend to become " dreaded". I certainly will not treat my Dil like some have been treated on Mumsnet. Also I prefer my Mum to my MIL because she's nicer, more respectful to me and doesn't throw her overbearing opinions around where they are not wanted. We all get on well and there is no resentment because I tolerate her behavior, but I unapologetically favour my Mum.So does my Dh.

MrsMcTats · 23/07/2020 12:26

I agree and that's why I find it odd on threads, when posters claim they can't understand for a second why women might have a preference for girls over boys. Whilst there may be few differences in childhood, I do think that in general (of course there are exceptions) boys and girls go on to have different relationships with their mothers. It is more often girls who regularly call their mums, go out for lunch, ask them to help with new baby etc. There are no guarantees you will have this relationship with a daughter, but a wife's family tends to take preference over a husbands. Even at weddings it's the 'mother of the bride' not 'mother of the groom' who takes centre stage. My DH calls home, but has never spent a day just him and his mum.

UsedUpUsername · 23/07/2020 12:27

This is one reason why I fear having sons and would prefer daughters.

LolaSmiles · 23/07/2020 12:28

I think the problem is that some women seem to think there's a power battle with their MIL/DIL so they view everything through their own conflict lens.

I've seen some fairly ridiculous attitudes around sons and their family relationships.

For example, if you see the gender disappointment threads there's loads of women saying they understand how disappointing it would be to have a son because he'll not have as good a bond with you as mum, he'll inevitably meet someone and her parents will come first, his wife's parents will get to see grandchildren more and it's inevitable that a mum of a son eventually gets pushed out.

Then you look on birth threads and there's lots of people telling women that it's totally fine to set arbitrary limits on her partner's family seeing baby. Obviously just after birth nobody should overrule the mum who's just given birth, but there's plenty of people who think it's fine for the new mum's family to come and visit, stay over within the first month because they're her family but her partner's family should know they can only do an afternoon visit when the baby is at least a month old.

I think there's probably an overlap between women who push their partner's family out and expect preferential treatment for their parents and women who are disappointed at the idea of having a son because they're probably worried that their son will treat them how they have treated her DH/DP's mum.

MsEllany · 23/07/2020 12:31

@GreyishDays

But it’s not a double standard, her own mother is a mother in law to the woman on the other house.
The double standard is that the OP’s husband is happy for his own MIL to come and stay with them.

There’s a lot of MIL posts that seem very unfair. Mind you, a lot of other posts are very unfair also - MN either attracts a lot of very highly-strung people or it encourages it. I know I often have to take a step away when I start contemplating LTB because he did something that irritated me.