Boy mum and girl mum double standards

[Pumi23]

I really want to get a perspective on this as I’m curious what others think. I just read and replied to another post about a woman not wanting her MIL to move in with her but when you read the thread you realise her own mother lives with her brother and his family and often comes to stay with herself and her DH which he never complains about. I just see so much of these double standards.

I only have daughters but I often think boy mums have a rough deal as the girls naturally are more accommodating and accepting of their own mums. I try to be fair to both my DM and MIL. I don’t have “rules” for my MIL like others seem to have. Both my own mum and my MIL annoy the heck out of me but I don’t show favouritism to my own mum. They are both equally welcome to visit when they want and see my kids when they want. We invited both sets around when kids were born. My friends have been in situations where only the girls parents and family were “allowed” to visit when baby was born but them being in-laws and boys family they had to wait 4 weeks. I just feel it’s really sad she wasn’t allowed to see her own grandchild the sane time as her DIL mum

What do the rest of you think?

Then you look on birth threads and there's lots of people telling women that it's totally fine to set arbitrary limits on her partner's family seeing baby. Obviously just after birth nobody should overrule the mum who's just given birth, but there's plenty of people who think it's fine for the new mum's family to come and visit, stay over within the first month because they're her family but her partner's family should know they can only do an afternoon visit when the baby is at least a month old.

I wouldn't have wanted my witch of a MIL or the Queens Of One-Upmanship that are my SIL within 100 miles of me right after i gave birth. I was, however, very comfortable with my mum being there when i was uncomfortable, tired and in pain etc etc.

OP:

my husband needs to be reminded when his family birthdays are coming up whereas I remember everyone’s birthdays.

yeah - why? just let him get on and fail. You're making a rod for your own back. Do they remember your birthday? (Or does he have brothers whose wives remember for them?)

It’s really not sara

We don’t just smile sweetly and smother our discomfort.

@Pumi23

No my point is that I feel sad that in the British culture the boy mums seem to get left out. If you read properly I said my friend wasn’t allowed to see her grandchild for 4 weeks whereas the girls parents saw her. It’s obviously strange to me and I feel it’s unfair that’s why I’m posting to find out if these double standards exist or seem to exist to me as I’m from a different culture

This isn't down to "British culture", it's down to the new parents having their own ideas.

My parents and Ex's parents were treated equally. My parents reached the hospital first, and both mum and dad were concerned that I was ok, as well as wanting to meet DD. ILs were ok and happy to see I was fine. I was lucky, I hadn't had any issues with MIL previously. But I could be more comfortable around mum than around MIL. ILs were about 15 years older than my parents, so attitudes were different.

It's always going to be down to the actual relationships between everyone.

Both my mum and mother in law came to visit in the hospital after having my dd. In fact my mother in law got there first as she lives closer so got the first cuddle outside myself and my husband.
We alternate christmases between the households. One gets Xmas day and the other Boxing Day then we reverse the next year.
Both are welcome to see her on her birthday should they wish but if not we throw a small tea party for both families to attend.
My MiL picks her up from school Monday and Tuesday to have her for the afternoon (she asked to do this rather than us sending her to the childminder like every other day) and my mum was picking her up on Thursdays but we now visit Saturdays instead.
During lockdown we got my daughter an iPad to keep in touch with family as she’s an only child (it’s locked so she can phone family only or play on approved apps only) and I can often hear she’s phoned either of her grandmas to have a chat for a while.

It’s as balanced as it can be and no one gets frustrated with insecurities around time or money spent differing. I am a fairly relaxed person however, and don’t really get stressed out about much.

I do find though that I am the driving force behind it. If it was left to my husband none of this would happen simply because he doesn’t think the same way. So in that sense I think it’s down to the DIL and MIL to forge the relationship they want to have between the families (in my case it is anyway).

I make sure to include my mother-in-law as much as my own mother when it comes to the grandkids, but on a personal level I'd only really "hang out" with my own mum, because I feel completely comfortable with her while I feel MIL has expectations of "proper behaviour" which I don't always meet.

That said, if I was going to have one of the mums stay/live with us for a while I would definitely choose MIL just because she loves cleaning and taking care of the kids - my own mum is a bit chaotic though she does always try her best to help out.

Indeed, new mothers should just abandon their feelings because others are more important.

As I said up thread, we are very often treated like incubators, as perfectly demonstrated by the 'get over yourself' post there.

No hard and fast rules. My DM is a bloody nightmare but I adore my MIL.

You mean a women who’s bleeding, leaking milk, maybe getting the hang of breast feeding, maybe has stitches down below or from a section being more comfortable to just be in her joggers, messy hair just chilled on her sofa around the family she grew up with.

Funnily enough a new mum's needs tend to go flying out the window on the many step parenting threads where an OP gets her arse handed to her for wanting to swap access arrangements the weekend immediately post-birth.

@Pumi23

I also think it might be due to boy’s not being so “loving” (sorry not the best word, I’m not making this clearer as English is my 3rd language lol). my husband needs to be reminded when his family birthdays are coming up whereas I remember everyone’s birthdays.

Now, I've just seen this.

Your DH doesn't remember birthdays because in our society, remembering birthdays and other family admin stuff is something people expect the wife to do. It's even known as "wifework". Your DH has automatically assumed you will take on the role of remembering and sorting cards, gifts, etc.

I told my ex, when I first met him, that I wasn't doing any of that. I have a large family and he had a small one. I wasn't taking on any more "remembering", he could sort his own family special days.

Yeah, kids and adults are different, shock, horror!

It's perfectly natural for a woman going through or recovering from birth to either want her mother's support, and/or feel more comfortable around her mother. Longer term, in the vast majority of cases women still do the lion's share of childcare, especially in the first year. Again, perfectly natural for her to have a preference for her own mother's company. Obviously not in all cases, before people start clamouring with their exceptions...

Ideally both sets of grandparents will be able to enjoy the new arrival, and the child as they grow up, but it can take work on both sides. In my experience too, the new Dad often puts no thought or effort into making this work with his parents. And it's the poor, knackered Mum that ends up looking the bad guy when communication issues arise.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

After giving birth its about who the new mother is more comfortable with. In the days after the birth when you're bleeding and leaking and sore and uncomfortable, of course most women want their mum there until things settle down and they feel a bit more human again.

A lot of the time women get treated like incubators, and are deemed unimportant when the baby is born, but their comfort absolutely matters.

I have girls and boys, and I would 100% expect any future DILs to 'favour' their own mother over me in the days after they have given birth.

I so agree with this. as soon as I got pregnant I was merely a carrier for my MIL wonderful grandchild to be. When she visited in hospital she made a comment about my baby weight (I literally had given birth 10 hours ago?!) and since then makes comments constantly about only being bothered about the kids (eg a family party starting at 8pm we said we would come but get a sitter as the two v small children would be in bed and were told well we can come but ‘we all know who they really want to see’).

This has only really come to light since having kids and as much as I try to rise above it it drives me insane so I do step back from MIL. On the other hand my mum has always been interested in the grandchildren but also me as their mother.

When my children were newborn/ little people I always ensured that my MIL had as much contact as my Mum . Sadly my darling Mum died a few years ago so it is lovely that my children have a good relationship with their other Grandma .

I don’t think it’s as basic as that and entirely depends of the relationship between the DIL and Mil. However the psychology behind it is really interesting and worth looking into.

My first Mil is still a very close friend and I’d have not problem with it if she had to move in with us. She was a mother figure to me and I’ll be forever grateful to her. My current mil started a war with me immediately.

Mothers can be territorial over their adult sons and still view them as 12 year old children and feel threatened at the power shift snd often feel replaced and new mothers (DIL) can feel territorial over their new family and feel threatened at having another women wanting to have influence in her family unit - especially if it’s a strained relationship.

I know my cousin is going to be a nightmare mil and I feel sorry for who ever marries her sons as my cousin will be the dominating matriarch with in her adults sons family unit.

This isn’t a british ‘thing’ it happens in every corner of the world except in Britain most women feel empowered not to put up it or be duty bound. Also in U.K. the financial situation is different to other countries where it is traditional for elder family members to have to live with their children.

It’s funny how small things can trigger past memories. I remember going to my cousins wedding as a young girl (her father and my mother were siblings) I felt the whole time left out as his wife kept bringing her family to the front to get photos done etc. It’s funny what triggers our minds. I always felt a definite definite between her mothers side of the family and us. I made a conscious effort when I got married to invite everyone to every function and to be equal

I think alot of eldercare gets left to the female. If it's your own mother, most would feel a sense of obligation. As they've helped me out so I'd like to help them out. However when it's the mil, it depends if they have a good relationship. Did they bond enough for dil to want to care for her? Some times yes, but mostly not. Mils need to encourage a good relationship with dil from the start, and really make them feel like a part of the family.

This seems totally natural to me.
People, men and women, are usually more comfortable with their own parents than their parents in law. There are plenty of jokes about men and their mothers in law as well.
Maternal grandparents tend to be closer to their grandchildren than paternal grandparents if the distances are the same. This is presumably because it still tends to be women who do most childcare. Seems quite natural to me that maternal grandparents were allowed to visit a baby sooner when the mother was still recovering from birth. It would be the other way around if the father gave birth.
There's an evolutionary reason - subconsciously people know they can only be certain of a blood relationship through the mother.

I think the parents should swap a weekend if the just given birth mother needs it in that case if the new mum has just given birth/just come home that weekend. Maybe a brief pop in meet new sibling and then dad picks them up/takes them back to mum. As long as it’s only swapping and not pushing out. Since you know dad or mum is a parent to the new child and existing child.

Problem is women who have just given birth are expected to put up and shut up For the sake of others feelings and I did that but it didn’t exactly make relationships better I even had a member of my own family who I’m NC with walk straight into my house after the midwife knowing I wouldn’t say a word in front of the midwife about her being there. It’s funny all these MILS who don’t seem to remember what it’s like to have just given birth.

It’s just a completely different relationship.
I had an absolutely awful time giving birth to ds1. I could have died and was in an awful state after the birth. My mum came to look after me. My mil came to see the baby. She literally couldn’t have cared less about me all she wanted to do was get her hands on ‘her baby’.

I have 2 sons and I will be very mindful if I ever become a mil that I will try to treat my daughter in laws like a friend and member of my family and not just an incubator for my grandchildren and fully expect that at times like childbirth that she will naturally need her mum and not me and not take offence.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Indeed, new mothers should just abandon their feelings because others are more important.

As I said up thread, we are very often treated like incubators, as perfectly demonstrated by the 'get over yourself' post there.

No, you don't abandon your feelings. You remind yourself that there's another set of grandparents who are anxious to meet the baby, so you allow them a brief visit within the same time period as your own parents. And you discover that actually it goes fine, no-one cares how you look, and that if you ask them, they'll keep out of the way when you need a bit of privacy. And actually their delight and love for the new arrival is heartwarming.

Fortunately I've never known anyone in real life who's so dismissive of their inlaws at this time. MN seems to attract the self-centred minority.

Hahaha I thought this was going to be a trans thread......!

It's a mumsnet thing IMO. Of people I know, most see plenty of their in-laws, the main difference tends to be location when one set live further away. There are a few cases where one or other has unstable parents who are kept at arms length, but it could be either side.

Her mum living with her brother is not her choice it is theirs. Her mother staying with her family is her choice. Her mil staying with them may be OK but maybe she does not want either to live with them full time. I would allow either to stay with us but would not want them moving in. They both live within 20 minute walk so luckily that shouldn't be an issue.

"I always felt a definite definite between her mothers side of the family and us."

I just accept this. I feel more affinity with my mother's mother's side of a big extended family. It's totally normal I think as children are mainly brought up by their mothers.

I'm close to my mum, DH isn't close to his.

So, we see my mum lots and live near her, and we do duty visits to MIL 3 or 4 times a year.

Whether that is MILs fault, DHs fault or society's fault I don't know.