Boy mum and girl mum double standards

[Pumi23]

I really want to get a perspective on this as I’m curious what others think. I just read and replied to another post about a woman not wanting her MIL to move in with her but when you read the thread you realise her own mother lives with her brother and his family and often comes to stay with herself and her DH which he never complains about. I just see so much of these double standards.

I only have daughters but I often think boy mums have a rough deal as the girls naturally are more accommodating and accepting of their own mums. I try to be fair to both my DM and MIL. I don’t have “rules” for my MIL like others seem to have. Both my own mum and my MIL annoy the heck out of me but I don’t show favouritism to my own mum. They are both equally welcome to visit when they want and see my kids when they want. We invited both sets around when kids were born. My friends have been in situations where only the girls parents and family were “allowed” to visit when baby was born but them being in-laws and boys family they had to wait 4 weeks. I just feel it’s really sad she wasn’t allowed to see her own grandchild the sane time as her DIL mum

What do the rest of you think?

I get on well with my MiL. In some ways shes sort of easier than my own mother.... but shes not my mum. And fact is, I'm just closer to my mum than DH is to his.

I get on really well with my MIL but she doesn’t live locally. I love my mum but only see her once every couple of months or so as I live at the other end of the country. It’s been the same since I left home for university 25 years ago, I’ve moved around a lot for work and by inclination. My brothers settled in the village where we were brought up and see mum every day.

I've only read the first couple of pages. I would say that the task of entertaining and hosting falls mainly to women, which is why the son inlaw may not mind his MIL staying over.

In all honesty, when my parents visit, my DH doesn't particularly do anything for them apart from engage in conversation.

When his parents visit...it's still me doing the entertaining.

Not that I'd want my own mum to live with me...but when I gave birth.. she took 4 weeks off work both times (she was self employed) to come and stay with me she cooked... looked after the baby and was simply fantastic.

I have brothers and sisters .. us girls do a lot more for my parents....DH has a few brothers and only one sister... and they really don't do much for their parents.

I know it's a generalisation...but girls do more for their mums...because although some MILS are good...it can be a very contentious relationship.

I would have thought that (given the better academic performance of girls generall) that girls would be more likely to flee the nest, pursue their career goals and generally have broader horizons than their male peers- or at least as broad. The idea that girl children would be more emotionally invested in than boys as potential carers seems very ‘in the olden days’ to me. I have 3 girls myself and have no expectation that any of them will be regularly chewing the fat in my kitchen 20 years down the road.

DH has a difficult relationship with both his parents, I have a great relationship with mine. I do my best to think well of MIL and not make things into a conflict because I don't want to be the cliche of 'I don't get on with MIL'. I've resigned myself to the fact that she is critical of everyone sometimes, even her best friends, and not to take it too personally when she criticises me and that sometimes she has just totally overreacted and sometimes she does have a point I should learn from!

Both my siblings (a brother and sister) have/had really easy to get on with ILs (sadly, they both lost their lovely FILs in the last 18 months)

I can see why it occurs. I have female friends who are very close to their mum's. They confide everything in them, the mum seems to be the main source of support multiple phone calls per day I do not have that sort of relationship with my mum. We get on fine but it can be weeks before we speak and I have never considered her a source of emotional support as an adult. Interestingly the friends who have expressed a desire for a girl child tend to be the ones with this very close relationship with their mum.

My MIL and FIL bought me a big bouquet of flowers and chocolate when our first baby ( their 1st grandchild) was born. They didn't want me to feel forgotten and recognised the sacrifice women make in pregnancy, birth and motherhood. At the time I thought it was sweet but ott. I understand 5 years into motherhood! I will never forget their thoughtful gesture.

Im am clsoe to my mum and dad and see more of my MIL than my own parents due to the fact that she is an elderly woman and is unable to do certain things herself. The care situation drives me mad at times ascshe has to rely on us for everything..... but she is lovely, her other does nothing, her grandchildren don't visit often as they say they have families. Not sure what they think im doing all day working full time with a child too. But I hate all this exclusivity she is part of their family and hours. My husband visits and cares for her too. My own mum and dad have also stepped in to help and they often shop for her and they have their own thing now too! I love and am grateful for them all.

I'm closer to my MIL that my mother. However she is still more involved with her daughters than my husband. And pays more attention to their children.

I speak to my mum most days, sometimes she rings me and vice versa. I speak to my mil once a week. I have tried ringing her more often but I sense that it is an inconvenience to her as she will cut me off after 5 minutes. All the contact used to be one sided but she is now phoning our home of her own accord which is nice. My dh on the other hand only rings his mum if prompted, there are no issues, he loves mil and she him he just thinks it unnecessary to phone regularly. Mil is a mother to two boys so maybe she is just used to this?

Both my births have been c sections and I offered for my mil to attend the first one, she refused so I asked my mum. As it happens only my dh was allowed in theatre but my mum got cuddles with both babies before mil as she was at the hospital. She got to change their nappies, hold them, first pictures etc. I asked mil again when I had ds but she said she would rather take care of dd. This was fine as dd is more used to being around mil (we live 4 hours away from my parents). My mum gave me a shower after both sections, dried my hair and after my son was born helped dh look after him so I could sleep (whilst at hospital). If we have another I will ask mil again as it will likely be our last (I do not expect her to help me out with personal care but she might enjoy seeing the baby all new and crinckled).

I hope my dil, if I have one involves me in her family life but it is more of a responsibility of my son to do so than her. It would be nice to have an equally loving relationship with her as my own dd. I think the difference is knowing your boundaries and they may be different with a dd and dil. For example my mum doesn't find regular calls intrusive but I think my mil does.

A friend of mine from work had grandchildren born from her dd and sil around the same time. She said there was absolutely no difference in the affection she felt for her grandkids. The only difference was that she was more concerned when her own dd was tired after birth and wanted to take her pain away.

*dil not sil

My MIL is so critical of other women that I don’t trust her. I don’t feel much more comfortable around my own mother but I am not related to MIL so I am of the opinion that it is up to DH to manage the relationship. When I was pregnant with our first baby she started texting me to meet up for coffee and lunches and then I realised she was trying to ensure contact with her future grandchild rather than caring about me. It’s hurtful to be treated like a means to an end like that.

I have two sons and I'm very close to my DM. DP has a much more distant relationship with his own parents and that was the case before I met him. They just don't seem that interested in our lives or the DC. Both our parents are divorced and remarried so we have 4 sets to manage. I know then love DP but they are both closer to their new partners DC. I think it upsets DP sometimes that they aren't that interested. His mum will sometimes ask about the DC and I do know they love them in their way.

I'm polite and host when required but it's not a natural or easy relationship - I like them when I see them but I'm not particularly emotionally attached and I know they aren't to me. There is also a geographical distance which makes a difference. They do sometimes make snide comments about not having seen us and I get that maybe I should make more effort to invite and involve them. I just figure they are retired (but fit and well) and I have two children and work full time so figure it works both ways. If DP wanted me to do more (he doesn't) of course I would. The DC aren't close to them because GPs never made an effort to get to know them more than an superficial basis - I think that then breeds a bit of a vicious cycle. The DC are polite and respectful but there isn't a great bond.

I'm very close to my DM, I was an only child and we have always been close. We live closer too so my DC naturally have a much closer relationship with her and my step-dad. They are interested in the DC and spend time listening and playing with them - involving them in their own hobbies and interests etc

My Sons are still young but my plan is just to stay interested in their lives and make an effort to get to know and respect their partners when they grow up. I do know how it feels to just be an 'incubator' to grandchildren and I just hope I never make anyone feel like that.

Advice please my DH siblings have zero relationship with my kids. We invited them the day I got discharged from hospital they came for first child only. Over the years I have invited them to numerous kids parties and they sit there don’t interact with anyone. Their kids who are older than my kids don’t interact either which I totally understand. Even friends who know nothing about my relationship with them have commented they are so rude. My sisters come to same parties but talk to all my guests and my nieces and nephews on my side play with all kids at the party and make a fuss of my little ones.

2 years ago I thought enough is enough and I didn’t invite his sisters anymore as they obviously don’t enjoy it but MIL had a go at me and his siblings were in a strop that my sisters got invited but they didn’t.

Just to note we have never been invited to any of his nieces and nephews b’day parties. But every year go to my sisters parties as we are invited. MIL response to this was “well they (her kids) don’t invite us to the parties either so why should they invite you?”. You would think DH family would invite our kids to their parties. Obviously my kids will be closer to my family as my family are the only ones who make an effort with them! Even during lockdown only my sisters FaceTimed the kids.

Please advise me as I’m really confused and angry as I will be in the same situation again fairly soon

@Crackers321 you'll probably get a better response if you start your own thread

If there is a big age gap and their children are picking the people to invite such as friends they really won’t pick children much younger who they don’t play with just because they are family.

My children are much older than their cousins and as such they won’t be invited to their parties as they invite school friends to do something they like for their ages (swimming party, laser force party etc). It is however rude to demand an invite and sit with a face like a slapped arse.

@OneForMeToo thank you. The problem is after the party they often have drinks for adults at home so they could have invited us to this part but never had.

My nieces and nephews are the same age as them but they get involved in the party and help out with handing food around but DH’s sisters and nieces/nephews just sit there and look bored on purpose! I often catch the sisters talking quietly whilst looking around. I have really tried with them but they’re very petty and nasty people.

They often tease DH that he’s under my control! When he makes decisions but it always looks like I’m telling him etc. Like for example for the first 4 years of our marriage every Xmas n new years was with his family but when I had kids I wanted to visit my family and alternate Xmas one year there and one year with in-laws but they did not like that! MIL told me I can’t I must spend every Xmas with them. DH decided it’s fair to alternate but they always say I forced him and he’s under my control. One of his sisters said he was so close to them before he married me.

@MyCatHatesEverybody I’m a bit worried starting my own thread incase they come across this and realise it’s me.

I do think women are more in the driving seat when it comes to how families work. Their way is usually the way it goes and this just kind of proves it.
I think the saying, “A son is a son until he gets a wife” is mainly to do with things like this. The wife is in control, hence why her MIL ain’t welcome.

I have 3 sons and 1 daughter. Will be interesting to see how it all goes when my sons are older. All I can do is be nice and friendly but then if I do I’ll probably be seen as an interfering old cow by their wives

I think women get blamed unnecessarily in these situations. I’m close with my parents and siblings because that’s MY CHOICE. DH doesn’t ever say to me “have u called your mum today?” “Shall we send your niece a gift for her 16th birthday?” - both of these questions are what I’ve actually asked my husband recently!

It is so difficult raising a family whilst he works and trying to get him to maintain a relationship with his family. When my Aunty visited during Xmas he said hi and went upstairs to read a book! Imagine a thread if things were reversed- I went to visit dear nephew but his wife was in a strop and spent entire time upstairs

There is so much pressure on women. I suffer from anxiety and over analysing. I cannot spend my entire life worrying about what in-laws think of me. They blamed me in past for husband not bothering with them. I went alone to stay with my mum for 4.5 weeks when my eldest was born and not once did he visit his family that live 10 mins away! If I stop him being close to his family then those 4.5 weeks he could have gone everyday. So is it my fault he can’t be bothered to see them?

My question at the end was aimed at @funinthesun19 in response to comment I do think women are more in the driving seat when it comes to how families work

Boys are loving OP. My sister says her boys are very loving

It depends who they marry though doesn't it? I'm not blowing my own trumpet but I am a caring person and consider MIL and FIL to be my family too

Oooooo so you bring up loving boys who mysteriously turn into selfish hits when they marry their choice of harridan.
I think men are usually more selfish- the wife gets landed with the job of including the ILs and sometimes falls short. Or why don't these loving sons step in and include disappointed MILs, ie their mums.

I did bday parties for my DCs, I really don't want to attend bday parties for my DGCs. Awful imv, bratty overexcited DCs, insufficient time to have a proper chat with other adults, little or no booze, pretty ghastly food.....

My in laws has a close loving relationship with their 8 grandchildren (4 mine) my mother had a close loving relationship with 1 of her 5 grandchildren (not one of mine)

Mil was an amazing woman who u miss every day my mother didn't really care about my children.

Mil and fil met my children shortly after birth for my youngest my mother didnt meet her for 7 months