Boy mum and girl mum double standards

[Pumi23]

I really want to get a perspective on this as I’m curious what others think. I just read and replied to another post about a woman not wanting her MIL to move in with her but when you read the thread you realise her own mother lives with her brother and his family and often comes to stay with herself and her DH which he never complains about. I just see so much of these double standards.

I only have daughters but I often think boy mums have a rough deal as the girls naturally are more accommodating and accepting of their own mums. I try to be fair to both my DM and MIL. I don’t have “rules” for my MIL like others seem to have. Both my own mum and my MIL annoy the heck out of me but I don’t show favouritism to my own mum. They are both equally welcome to visit when they want and see my kids when they want. We invited both sets around when kids were born. My friends have been in situations where only the girls parents and family were “allowed” to visit when baby was born but them being in-laws and boys family they had to wait 4 weeks. I just feel it’s really sad she wasn’t allowed to see her own grandchild the sane time as her DIL mum

What do the rest of you think?

Hmmm...I 'got on' with my MIL when I saw her but was never close to her. She is very selfish and everything is about her. When she would come and see her grandkids she would spend the whole time talking about herself and ignore the kids.

Different story with her dd (ex's sister) though - couldn't do enough for her kids and it was and still is obvious who her favourites are. So I think it can work both ways.

Luckily, she is now my ex-MIL.

And that’s not a dig just a random example about how different they are to my own family. My family we pitch in and fix stuff. They just talk about what should be done.

lots of women would prefer daughters

That’s a really interesting point you make I didn’t realise most people think that. In Indian culture they prefer boys. When I had my girls everyone was sad for me! I wouldn’t have minded either boys or girls.

@OneForMeToo

My parents are just more hands on helpful where as the in laws are More well wordy helpful if that makes sense.

My parents will come around and relay a whole floor to make my house safe just from me saying it’s broken, my in-laws would give advice as to who to call to get it done without having to pay but make take months till my floor is safe.

Completely different people.

But maybe that’s because your parents feel more welcome than your in laws? Can you imagine the thread.. PIL came over and ripped up my floor!

They may not be different types of people, just different with you.

I have one of each but can’t imagine pushing myself into their lives more than I was wanted when I’m older. I’m a bit of a loner though I guess!

But I hope I’d be there to help them when they need it, for both kids. I’m very ready to kick my son’s butt if he doesn’t pull his weight when he has kids - I think that may be the MIL’s main role!

My partner's mum weirdly focused on her daughter and left her son too it. Her son being my partner ofcourse.

Started when she went to university to become a Dr. Partner was working but still at home. Apparently she said right back then she'd support her daughter when she had children. She married and couldn't naturally have children. So they had IVF. Had a baby. I fell pregnant with my first child 3 months later. So we had them 3 months apart.

Partners mum lived half an hour from us but an hour from her daughter. She chose to retire not long after the babies were born. She moved away to be with her daughter and grandchild.

She's not a horrible women. But she has 100% favoured her daughter's family over her son's. She gives her so much and we are over here drowning sometimes. She cleans for her, she dogsits, she has the child regularly overnight. She had her on set days before she started school. They used to tell us about taking her out to parks and for milk shakes. They called the toys at their house "Josie's toys". When my children go over they called them Josie's toys Infront of them. They got a trampoline in the garden for Josie. They got her one of those cars with a control in that you sit in. She had no interest in it so last month they finally said our two year old son could have it.

They try and treat ours the same with money and Christmas. But what hurts is they don't invest in them and my kids barely see them.

We went to Josie's party last year. I saw her shoove my daughter in the back and she kept saying my nanny to her. She basically posseses her now because she's half raised her.

So whilst I don't dislike my partner's mum I do question why she's treated her daughter do much nicer.

Also my son's birthday is Christmas week and she buys my DD a present for his birthday but doesn't get him one for hers. It's odd.

No they are the same with their daughter with respect to stuff like that.

MN isn't representative. For one thing, people tend to be complaining when they come on here. If they have a good relationship with their MIL, they won't be posting.
My MIL was a very difficult personality but we still treated her the same as DM as regards seeing the DC as soon as they were born, inviting her to their birthday parties, offering to have her stay with us when she was ill.
The only difference was we didn't let her babysit the DC because she had very different ideas about risk which DH felt contributed to accidents when he and his siblings were young.

I don't think most people do think that about preferring girls - I have two boys so by default many of the women I know also have boys. I can only think of one out of those I know who truly felt disappointed by having boys - and whilst she's very open about it, I think at some point her two boys are going to know and feel it, and it will affect them. The rest seem perfectly happy with whatever they've been dealt.

I lost a baby very late on in the pregnancy before my two DC. Having gone through that, being a parent without her baby, I can hand on heart say I was thrilled beyond measure to simply have healthy, lovely DC regardless of the make. I try really hard not to judge other women unkindly but those who aren't able to see their DC for the miracle they are, in my honest opinion, are a little bit U.

I think just after giving birth is a different thing, I think the OP is more meaning the ongoing relationship.

My brothers are married so my DM is MIL, I think it helps that my brothers are Mummy's boys my SILs always seem to get on well with my DM. Me and my sisters are close to my Mum but I think she feels the boys need more help!

I have 3 boys and 1 girl, I hope I'll be a good MIL one day and I hope I don't get a rough deal.

My partner's mum weirdly focused on her daughter and left her son too it. Her son being my partner ofcourse
I think this is so common, a friend of mine, desperate to have a dd, has 3 sons and dd. She’s almost dumped the ds’s now and everything is focused on the dd. When they are older they won’t look back and visit, Who could blame them.

I also think that 'daughter for life, son until he has a wife' is the result of wider (and in my view quite shitty) gender dynamics that you don't actually have to embrace

Traditionally when sons married, there was a more patriarchal system where the wife became part of the male family. So less reward in raising daughters in that worldview.

I’m wondering if the more recent trends (nuclear family more dependent on wife’s family by choice) make it less rewarding to raise sons, so ultimately they are seen as less desirable. Anecdotally, most couples seem to want daughters ... would be an interesting point of research.

Sadly when an elderly relative moves in it is pretty much a given that the woman will be the one who has do do 99% of the work associated with that. I think that might explain the reluctance of many to house their MIL.

@Freddiefox in some cases yes but in my situation, no matter how welcoming i am they will never lift a finger. They want to be part of the fun stuff only. My parents are the same as the PP you replied to. Last year I went on holiday with the in laws and they said they wanted to look after DS and I asked if they could keep DS 2 months indoors as it was hot but they kept taking him outside in the heatwave as they didn't want to miss anything! A few months later I went on holiday with my mum and she kept telling me to go for a swim but she looked after DS 5 months back then indoors. It's these little things that show you how much people are willing to sacrifice for you and their grandchildren. My mum on the other hand, wouldn't take no for answer and knew how hard work DS was and wanted me to have that break whereas my mil wanted to DS for her selfish reasons and only on her terms.

My son is an only child (and I was thrilled to have a boy, I was less keen to have a girl) and I've also worried about being a MIL one day and to have to take a back seat.

However, DH has the most wonderful relationship with his mum - very caring, calls and sees her regularly, possibly more than his sister. I really hope DS grows up watching his dad's relationship with his grandma and has the same care for me when he grows up!

I have 2 sons and a daughter. DS1 has DC with an ex. Apparently we are not 'family' and she had that view when they were together. She is utterly dependent on her mum sees her daily. We have seen DGC once this year. Covid was a blessing to her, no need to make excuses. and used that to stop the DC seeing their DF.

DS2 is married, no DC. I get on brilliantly with her.
DD lives with BF, no DC and we get on brilliantly with him.

I see my own DM a couple times a year. We get on well but are adult women, we don't need to live our lives through each other. MIL passed away years ago. I barely new her.

Adult women who need their 'mummy' constantly are IMHO in need of growing up.

I have four sons and one daughter, so an ‘MIL’ several times over. I have never interfered (and I know my DIL’s would confirm this). I find it intensely irritating when I read threads from women who specifically exclude ‘in laws’ - totally ignoring the fact that they are the family of their DP/DH.
Eg. My DM can visit the new baby, but my MIL mustn’t come for 4 weeks blah blah.
I totally understand that not everyone ‘gets on well with’ their IL’s, but it just makes them sounds like also ran’s and frankly, my blood boils.

I have sometimes responded with “Think on - would you like to be treated the same if you have sons”?

I had great relationships with both my sets of IL’s - I never made any distinction between them and my DP’s.

Interestingly, my daughter studied parental favouritism during her psychology degree and tells me that sometimes (sub-consciously) mothers favour the children of their daughters because they are the grandchildren that they know are definitely genetically linked to them.

I think it's to do with how different the daughters and mothers are in general plus social expectations on top.

My mum and I are quite similar personalities - we get on very well on a social level (it wasn't a great relationship when I was growing up but we're compatible as adults). Neither of us like fussy overbearing closeness.

My MIL is a very lovely woman, but she is both fussy and overbearing and in her dream world we'd live on the same street and see each other every day.

My husband and I enjoy my parents' company more during the day as we like to be active, but his parents' company in the evening, where we like to drink and eat out.

It's a nice balance.

I have a girl and a boy. With my girl who was first I was happy. Really wanted a girl. Probably shallow reasons. pretty names, clothes and being close to eachother.

When I had my second I was happy to have either but felt sure I would have another girl. Right from being little I always dreamt of having two girls (sounds Weird but I used to love my baby girl Cousins)

I had a boy. I was shocked for half an hour. But then I felt really blessed. I started thinking about what it would be like to have a son as I had sisters. He is so amazing. I don't want anymore. But if I did I think I'd hope for another boy. But I'd be happy either way.

I love both of mine exactly the same. I can't imagine now having all girls and i don't understand why I felt that way before having a boy. Once they are born I don't understand how anyone can favour one over the other.

I guess mother in law's are closer to their daughters which will naturally make them spend time with her children. But it's sad when the other grandkids have to accept second place.

You do know that a lot of went through all that (it's called giving birth and this is Mumsnet) but we got over ourselves because we knew that this baby was every bit as important to our partners' parents as it was to ours. So we treated both sets equally.

It's YOUR choice, and as such it's right for you.
It's not reasonable to suggest it's right for everyone else.

Women shouldn't have to "get over themselves", they are absolutely entitled to their own space and time to recover. If the IL are so caring, they'll understand and respect that space.
For most people the relationship is different with parents or in-laws, how can it not be!

Yes, the baby is important, but frankly the baby doesn't care. The baby is absolutely fine if he doesn't meet his grand-parents until he's 3 or 4 weeks old. If he's that important, it won't matter to the in-laws either, they should love him (her) regardless.

The MOTHER should matter. The more respect and space she is given by her in-laws, the quicker she'll be comfortable to see them anyway.

The competition to have the "first cuddle" is unhealthy and damaging to the mother.

During birth and immediately afterwords, if the mother wants her DM then that is, IMO, entirely justifiable and not up for discussion. Any concept of ILs wanting equal access or to not be second if mother's DM is supporting at the birth is, IMO, bonkers, selfish and possibly an indication of a toxic mindset.

Excluding IL for weeks (or even both sets of DGPs) after birth is equally unacceptable in principle unless the individuals are toxic, nasty or otherwise 'deserve' it.

The world is predicated on reasonable people rubbing along with reasonable people. Unreasonable people throw a spanner in the works.

Excluding IL for weeks (or even both sets of DGPs) after birth is equally unacceptable in principle
why? A baby is not a toy, the mother is not an incubator. If she needs space to recover, she is entitled to that time.

If someone has to specifically exclude visitors, it means there is a huge problem in the relationship anyway. There should be enough clear and obvious boundaries that people show respect and wait until the mother is ready, and there's not need for obvious exclusion.

But maybe that’s because your parents feel more welcome than your in laws?

and

I find it intensely irritating when I read threads from women who specifically exclude ‘in laws’ - totally ignoring the fact that they are the family of their DP/DH.

Hmmmm. I wonder. Both these sentences imply that the DIL isn't welcoming of her DH's family. Absolutely no bloody mention of the DH keeping up a relationship with his mum, absolutely no mention of him facilitating a great relationship with his DC's grandparents.

No. It's. All. Wifework.

Dd's dad (exdp) was married before and I think if you asked his ex she would say that his mum was a nightmare. However, his exw was very much like a lot of ladies I see post on here and wanted her own mum around but wouldn't allow his mum anywhere near. I took a very different approach, we were friends, his mil was very ill when i met dp. I suspect she already knew she was dying but it wasn't confirmed until the day I was induced with dd when a nurse made a cock up and said something she shouldn't have assuming we all knew.

When dd arrived it was my mum who was a nightmare and over bearing...demanding to give dd her first bath etc. Getting very nasty if i dared drive dd to see her other gran at the hospital. She was categorically told that dd ether saw them both or neither of them and that as mil was dying I would ensure she spent as much time with her new granddaughter as possible. She died when dd was 9 weeks old. I miss her.

I am now with dp, his mum died about 15 years ago. He tells me I am very like her and he reckons we would have git on well. I would have liked to meet her. She was a single mum in the 70's raised him without any help from anyone and she was a force to be reckoned with apparently. She did an amazing job, dp is a well rounded guy with an excellent job, his own house and a very healthy respect for women...albeit an at times irritating desire to over protect and shield me. She did an excellent job. I love him dearly and I wish she could see how happy he is and how amazing he is with my dd.