Boy mum and girl mum double standards

[Pumi23]

I really want to get a perspective on this as I’m curious what others think. I just read and replied to another post about a woman not wanting her MIL to move in with her but when you read the thread you realise her own mother lives with her brother and his family and often comes to stay with herself and her DH which he never complains about. I just see so much of these double standards.

I only have daughters but I often think boy mums have a rough deal as the girls naturally are more accommodating and accepting of their own mums. I try to be fair to both my DM and MIL. I don’t have “rules” for my MIL like others seem to have. Both my own mum and my MIL annoy the heck out of me but I don’t show favouritism to my own mum. They are both equally welcome to visit when they want and see my kids when they want. We invited both sets around when kids were born. My friends have been in situations where only the girls parents and family were “allowed” to visit when baby was born but them being in-laws and boys family they had to wait 4 weeks. I just feel it’s really sad she wasn’t allowed to see her own grandchild the sane time as her DIL mum

What do the rest of you think?

Brefugee

I agree with your point, but I think if we are talking about immediate after-birth, it's entirely up to the new mother.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

After giving birth its about who the new mother is more comfortable with. In the days after the birth when you're bleeding and leaking and sore and uncomfortable, of course most women want their mum there until things settle down and they feel a bit more human again.

A lot of the time women get treated like incubators, and are deemed unimportant when the baby is born, but their comfort absolutely matters.

I have girls and boys, and I would 100% expect any future DILs to 'favour' their own mother over me in the days after they have given birth.

This. I only have a son but would never expect to be treated the same as his future girlfriends (or whoever) Also, my MIL is Incredibly manipulative and was long before I was even pregnant. I’ll always favour my mother over her and I’m not ashamed to say that.

As my grandmother used to say:
"Your son is your son til he gets him a wife,
But your daughter's your daughter all of her life."
She had three sons and two daughters and spent the last 20 years of her life living with her daughters! Her sons all lived within 10 miles of her and visited 3-4 times a year.

As a mum of just boys, threads like this make me really sad. I really don't want to be shoved out of my (potential) grandchildren's lives just because I am the MIL.

My MIL, although had her faults, was very much involved in my DCs lives. She watched them while I went back to work, Had them stopping over there they were old enough to and shared birthday parties and christmases with us as much as possible. I'd love a relationship like that with any future DIL.

@SwedishK She took notes?!? You win the nightmare MIL award. That's outrageous!

@GeorgiaGirl52

As my grandmother used to say: "Your son is your son til he gets him a wife, But your daughter's your daughter all of her life." She had three sons and two daughters and spent the last 20 years of her life living with her daughters! Her sons all lived within 10 miles of her and visited 3-4 times a year.

I absolutely hate that saying.

I think it's certainly the case on mumsnet

Well that's probably because the overwhelming majority of people on here are women. They are more likely to be fond of their own mother than they are someone else's.

If more men posted on here, you'd probably find them complaining about their MIL.

After giving birth its about who the new mother is more comfortable with. In the days after the birth when you're bleeding and leaking and sore and uncomfortable, of course most women want their mum there until things settle down and they feel a bit more human again.

A lot of the time women get treated like incubators, and are deemed unimportant when the baby is born, but their comfort absolutely matters.

I agree with this, even though I only have sons.

You can see the posts already. Hoping their further ds don’t push them out of their GC lives.

The thought is already on the GC not their sons being happy with a lovely partner just the future GC. These women are not just incubators for your future GC they are hopefully your sons life partner.

Future dils

That’s should say.

I like my MIL she's lovely. I'm not as into visiting family as DH is. Not just his family, my own too.

@GeorgiaGirl52

As my grandmother used to say: "Your son is your son til he gets him a wife, But your daughter's your daughter all of her life." She had three sons and two daughters and spent the last 20 years of her life living with her daughters! Her sons all lived within 10 miles of her and visited 3-4 times a year.

Do you think that maybe the fact that she decided which of them was 'for life' at birth had any impact on their later relationship?

My ex's mum was so overbearing she tried to barge in my room while I was in labour demanding to be present for the birth. Then took me to court wanting them to order fortnightly weekend contact that she felt I should have no choice in.

My current MIL is invisible.

Women will always have a better relationship with their mum than DH's mum, we are talking about bonds that span entire lives as opposed to bonds that are effectively little more than "acquaintances"

Just like I trust my brother with my life, but my BIL's... I just don't know them well enough.

There's always the exception to the rule, my SIL relies for more on my mum than her own, but her own is an alcoholic... so its understandable.

DH doesn't expect me to feel the same way about his mum as I do about my own. After all, why would I?

I had a lovely MIL, sadly no longer here and i treated her the same way as i did my mother.
I have not been happy with the way my DIL has treated us in regard to young grandchildren's birthdays and i was forced to say something and i am not one to interfere. For two years running we were invited two hours later to their birthday tea after DIL's family and were left with the leftovers and after the candles had been blown out.

My friends have been in situations where only the girls parents and family were “allowed” to visit when baby was born but them being in-laws and boys family they had to wait 4 weeks. I just feel it’s really sad she wasn’t allowed to see her own grandchild the sane time as her DIL mum

I wouldn't have had my MIL seeing me on the day I'd given birth, not in a million years. I wouldn't have made them wait 4 weeks (though as it happened they chose not to come until 5 months later - their problem) as I know seeing a new baby is something most in laws like to do.

I think it depends how well you get on with your son or daughter's wife. I don't get on well with my daughter's partner, I can only hope they split up at some point as he's not good for DD.

@GeorgiaGirl52

As my grandmother used to say: "Your son is your son til he gets him a wife, But your daughter's your daughter all of her life." She had three sons and two daughters and spent the last 20 years of her life living with her daughters! Her sons all lived within 10 miles of her and visited 3-4 times a year.

Possibly because she decided the sons weren't a permanent part of her life and placed all of the expectation on her daughters?

That saying is awful, sexist and outdated. It's attitudes like this that drive the shitty relationships leading to the MIL threads here.

As a mum of a girl and a boy I hope, and fully expect, to remain a part of both of their lives and that both children will grow into functional adults not dependent on a partner.

*After giving birth its about who the new mother is more comfortable with. In the days after the birth when you're bleeding and leaking and sore and uncomfortable, of course most women want their mum there until things settle down and they feel a bit more human again.

A lot of the time women get treated like incubators, and are deemed unimportant when the baby is born, but their comfort absolutely matters.

I have girls and boys, and I would 100% expect any future DILs to 'favour' their own mother over me in the days after they have given birth*

Totally agree with this.

Most of this can be solved by men. They need to cultivate their relationship with their mother. If they want extended stays by their mother, they need to do the work for it. If they want their mum not to feel left out, they need to make the phonecalls, or pop round and do the shopping, or invite them to dinner and do the cooking.

Put it another way: your son (or DH) has some major surgery. He might be happy to have visitors that evening, or he might stick to his own parents coming to visit for now.

Is that weird? Would you expect his in-laws to be his priority, whilst he is lying there, groggy, in pain with a catheter? Would it even occur to you to think " he must hate his in-laws if he doesn't want them to visit for a few days"? Of course not.

It can depend very much on the personalities and expectations of both sides. My first MIL was vile, very controling. She would write lists of how my ex disappointed her and summon him round for a lecture. She didn't speak to him for two months when we got a pet because she didn't like them. She didn't speak to us for three months when we got engaged because he didn't tell her before he proposed. She had serious issues and he just did whatever she wanted. My favourite was when we sold the house we had to move away before the new people moved in. She let herself in and repainted the whole house white as she thought it looked nice. Our buyers were pretty annoyed actually because they had liked the original decor.

My MIL now is a lovely woman but really struggled when I came along. My DH had never had a long term girlfriend before me, six month relationships, never taken a woman home. It was uncomfortable for a while as she clearly resented him coming to stay with me and him coming to me first to help him decide things. She basically hated not being his priority anymore and not having any say over what he did. She was worse with his brother's gf and now she doesn't see them much. I am sad though as we get on fine now, but I would love a closer relationship. She never calls or texts me and doesn't really respond when I do it. When we visit it is fine but we don't live very close. My own mum, I barely see. Maybe twice a year and she lives 20 minutes away.

I will say though, I wouldn't want to live with either and won't be caring for either in old age. I cared for my grandmother and can't do it again.

As my grandmother used to say:
"Your son is your son til he gets him a wife,But your daughter's your daughter all of her life."
It's exactly this attitude that I think sets the relationship off wrong.

It seems like some women consider it inevitable that their sons will behave this way, and more worryingly enough wives/partners who are all too happy for their parents to be the favoured family throughout.

Nobody seriously thinks everyone should pile round a new mum's house within days of giving birth, but the idea of one family routinely getting preferential treatment is evident in so many threads on here.

For example, there's a fairly obvious difference between:
A) woman has her mum with her as a birthing partner, when mum, dad and baby go home, woman's mum also comes home with the family and helps support her daughter in the early days. Woman says she wants to see visitors based on how she's feeling after giving birth and over the next few weeks family on both sides meet the little one and get to see their children.

And
B) Woman has decides that her family will be coming into hospital to see her and the baby and they'll be staying for a few weeks, but her partner's family can't meet the baby until the baby is a month old. At 8 months pregnant they've already decided this is how it's going to be. Everyone is expected to fall in line whilst the woman has her family round to stay at the house (regardless of whether DP wants to have house guests), man's family still ask when they can come round but they're told no, woman probably starts an AIBU about the terrible MiL.

I've seen it happen a few times where the focus seems to be 'new baby, mum and mum's family come first' and the dad and his family are expected to slot in behind. In at least a couple of situations it set the tone for the relationship going forward and it felt like there were 3 parents in the marriage: wife, husband and wife's family (who seemed to be privvy to almost every element of parenting and every discussion). Those marriages ended and it was easy to see why.

[quote showmethegin]@SwedishK She took notes?!? You win the nightmare MIL award. That's outrageous![/quote]
Yep! It would include things like:

You gave your DS apple the day after she had an upset stomach. Too acidic!

DS (2.5 years old) need to tie his own shoe laces or he will never learn

DD is flat footed, need to take her to GP (she was under a year at the time, they really don't tend to have arched feet at that age)

Let the baby cry herself to sleep or she will never learn

Sweep the floors rather than hoover, the noise will otherwise damage the children's hearing

Etc, etc...

She would just sit on the sofa for three days straight with her note pad, dozing off from time to time. Wouldn't offer to lift a finger to help or play with her grandkids. She was literally just there to find faults with my parenting and then send me the list.

@Pumi23

It’s funny how small things can trigger past memories. I remember going to my cousins wedding as a young girl (her father and my mother were siblings) I felt the whole time left out as his wife kept bringing her family to the front to get photos done etc. It’s funny what triggers our minds. I always felt a definite definite between her mothers side of the family and us. I made a conscious effort when I got married to invite everyone to every function and to be equal

It's interesting that you think that the bride was at fault for not bringing her new DH's family to the front rather than blaming the DH for not making the effort to bring them.

As for mother vs MIL, a lot will depend on the personality of the individuals. I would choose my MIL over my mum any day of the week. She's someone I would love to get to know, even if she weren't my DH's mother.

I don't think a woman who is bleeding, has stitches, and is in pain should have to paint a smile on and invite in-laws over. Anyone who would expect that is probably not the sort of person I would want around me in the first place.

As the mother of 5 sons, I worry about this exact thing a lot.

It's not a double standard, it's just biology.

Obviously people are closer to their own mum and dad than to someone you met the first time as two adult strangers. Yes hopefully you build a relationship with your partner's parents as your romantic relationship progresses, but a non-intimate relationship with someone you met for the first time as an adult is never going to be as close as the one you have with your own mum who raised you from birth. And some people don't live near their in-laws and barely know them.

There are always threads here where parents of an adult man have never visited or tried to get to know their DIL, then expect to be allowed to move in or take over when the DIL has a child, when the DIL is basically a stranger to them.

It's just biology that the person birth affects most is the one who went through nine months of sickness and discomfort (and maybe worse), went through however many hours of painful and sometimes traumatic labour, might have suffered birth damage or a C-section, has to recover from labour while dealing with post-partum hormone changes, might be breastfeeding, and is usually biologically the primary caregiver and the one getting up in the night. Yeah in some relationships the woman goes back to work and the dad is the prime caregiver, but usually it's the woman who takes on the majority of child-rearing. And it's the woman who has to go through all the gruelling physical and emotional crap of pregnancy and labour.

It's really crap to talk about "equal rights" when you have a woman recovering from birth and trying to cope with figuring out how to breastfeed a newborn, who quite naturally wants her mammy there and not some woman who might be a near-stranger.

Personally my birth mum was abusive and is now dead, and the woman I hope becomes my MIL is great. But MILs need to take responsibility for building good relationships with their DILs and treating them like people and not walking uteruses.