Boy mum and girl mum double standards

[Pumi23]

I really want to get a perspective on this as I’m curious what others think. I just read and replied to another post about a woman not wanting her MIL to move in with her but when you read the thread you realise her own mother lives with her brother and his family and often comes to stay with herself and her DH which he never complains about. I just see so much of these double standards.

I only have daughters but I often think boy mums have a rough deal as the girls naturally are more accommodating and accepting of their own mums. I try to be fair to both my DM and MIL. I don’t have “rules” for my MIL like others seem to have. Both my own mum and my MIL annoy the heck out of me but I don’t show favouritism to my own mum. They are both equally welcome to visit when they want and see my kids when they want. We invited both sets around when kids were born. My friends have been in situations where only the girls parents and family were “allowed” to visit when baby was born but them being in-laws and boys family they had to wait 4 weeks. I just feel it’s really sad she wasn’t allowed to see her own grandchild the sane time as her DIL mum

What do the rest of you think?

I personally couldn’t live with my mum or my mil no difference of that particular aspect there.

I definitely prefer my mum to my MIL but that is because my MIL is a much more difficult character. She has also always been very judgemental when it comes to my parenting, she assumes only a woman can do any parenting, men shouldn't have to get involved. Whenever she would come and stay when the kids were younger she would make notes throughout the weekend and then send me an email when she got back home with all her observations and telling me what I am doing wrong. Made my blood boil every time but I just stopped responding to her and eventually she stopped.

My mum lives in a different country to us and my MIL lives about 2 hours away in a car but we still see my mum much more. MIL can easily go a year or more without wanting to see anyone in the family. She's just not that bothered about family whereas I'm much more family orientated.

I hope that I will have a good relationship with both my DD and DS future partners. At least I have learnt from my MIL what not to do.

"It's a mumsnet thing IMO. Of people I know, most see plenty of their in-laws, the main difference tends to be location when one set live further away."

No, in real life the people I know tend to be closer to the mother's side of the family and I'm sure there is research backing this up - I'll have a google. Exceptions are when the father's side lives much closer.
Farming families are different as it's usually the wife who goes to live on the husband's farm so the paternal grandparents will be the ones close by.

No, you don't abandon your feelings. You remind yourself that there's another set of grandparents who are anxious to meet the baby, so you allow them a brief visit within the same time period as your own parents. And you discover that actually it goes fine, no-one cares how you look, and that if you ask them, they'll keep out of the way when you need a bit of privacy.

So the new mother needs to abandon her feelings then?

She may care about bleeding and leaking in front of people she isn't comfortable around and then she has to ask for privicy, which may not be granted.

Delight and love can wait a week or two, and it's not self centred to want to recover, emotionally and physically, from a traumatic experience in comfort and peace.

Oops that meant to say definite divide! Yes I know to accept it but quite nasty doing that to a child I was about 9 I think. She was my cousin too and I always felt upset I wasn’t in the professionally done photos with the other cousins.

@MMN123 lol!

I must have breezed thorough new motherhood! No rules and no worries. No pain and not that tired. Most people o knew were the same. We just chilled and were pleased to see new grandparents. I think all this angst is MN. Most of us seem perfectly ok. We like people.

I agree and that's why I find it odd on threads, when posters claim they can't understand for a second why women might have a preference for girls over boys
Yes!
I always wonder why mums of boys often argue that the 'daughter for life, son until he gets a wife' is nonsense. Yes in some cases men will be close to their mums, call everyday, etc. But in most cases they won't whereas their wife will actively keep in touch with her parents, ask for advice about the DGC etc.
Is it fair? not really, but claiming it is not real won't make it change.

I'm always quite conscious of trying to ensure that DH's parents are treated equally to mine and if I'm honest I do think that it's quite horrible when women (on MN, I've never known anyone do it in real life) ban their in-laws for weeks on end after a new baby but have their own parents round constantly. I understand being more comfortable around your own parents but the way it's sometimes talked about you'd think the MIL was asking to inspect the new mother's stitches not meet her new grandchild. My in-laws aren't perfect, they can drive me mad (but then so can my parents!) but they adore DS and I think that relationship is very precious and worth a lot. But then maybe it's easier for us because we don't have a 'mummy as main/only real parent' model, which still seems astonishingly common - we both have one non-working day during the week and DH often takes DS to his parents on that day or at the weekend so I don't feel that facilitating the relationship with the paternal grandparents is something that falls on me.

In our case I'm much closer to my mum. DH and his family have always been a bit more distant. We also live a lot closer to my family. DH gets on really well with them although I see them so often because he works long shifts. They're always happy to help me and spend time with DS.

I think the OP's example is a bad one, because perhaps her poster didn't want her own mother living with her either as she's at the brother's? If I was to choose between my mother or my mother in law moving in, I'd take my mother in law any day but I definitely would prefer neither.

My husband has a brother and a sister. My mother in law sees my husband the most of all her children (because of proximity) but probably me more than him because I take DS round a lot.

My MIL works at the hospital I gave birth at, so I saw her a lot after giving birth (usually mid feed), whereas I only saw my mother twice.

You'll just hear more people moaning about their in laws than praising them.

Whilst I agree that a lot if MILs are left out (it's a bid sad when people want to celebrate Christmas or birthdays as their 'own little family'), however, when you say:

a woman not wanting her MIL to move in with her but when you read the thread you realise her own mother lives with her brother and his family and often comes to stay with herself and her DH which he never complains about.

Just because her sister has her DM living with her doesn't mean this woman has to have her MIL live with her! The two are completely unrelated! Women aren't a homogenous mass!

Here's one from the US after a quick search:
"This study examines the sources of matrilineal advantage in grandchild–grandparent
relations using data from the Iowa Youth and Families Project. Results from fixed-effect
models indicate that the observed matrilineal advantage in grandchild–grandparent ties
arises from lineage differentials in the quality of relations between grandparents and the
parents of grandchildren. Specifically, better relations between mothers and the maternal
line facilitate closer ties between grandchildren and maternal grandparents. Fathers’ closer
ties with the paternal side also promote better relations between a grandchild and paternal
grandparents, but the greater prevalence of matrilineal bias in parent–grandparent ties leads
to an overall matrilineal advantage in grandchild–grandparent relations.
Key Words: Grandparenting, Intergenerational relations, Kinship"

watermark.silverchair.com/179.pdf?token=AQECAHi208BE49Ooan9kkhW_Ercy7Dm3ZL_9Cf3qfKAc485ysgAAArYwggKyBgkqhkiG9w0BBwagggKjMIICnwIBADCCApgGCSqGSIb3DQEHATAeBglghkgBZQMEAS4wEQQMz7OsfI5EPyxTJbxQAgEQgIICaWHm6ZtCgK6kX66lzKYxkDxW3i4g3NiW1ixE09GkmfyOTK8hCCStOFhG7F3RlGRfGmVnFIfH1-U_W1l6r-osCmMdJ_Pn578strVDQBQTbMXmBatjbdSNANZ1HXAG7dHJpEpuyPri2z770W0dpRerZ2uR1JeyiBteKGQljmaq690Ewmeu5FkV5Hff0MDiqsK96yNuzYSUV8BKn5Qj7MU6S8MlzXQgvmyyG1-oENRDaLgt3Ef9QnNwOzCj926Xrj0DyA1cXYVe6fOckQzNurbw42tTVyU_fPeitl5B2US1pRPWRZuj0EE81FVWf-WZQlrvn5F1YSGDxVnnoPFVASFW9yJDUtujmiasos3b9kNcykV8TNQiWQmGKW9H2cVq2o-T1TQUzRd3NNdTLEjvuFFScaRSzinEzbGySw9yKt3jpdBJRk1PIIEK_4y3JstilNXxgZP5mvGrf6EIhLMKmka0S597tRDuyv1jTVMr_JyhkIWf3l4m6uuvw92J0RzfZnVIL0RJM-cQt7gRlTydex9q5cWsYRM8p--G8u6_iSdwTqUNda1sM8J3DBDkJLQ6i1edeh1QTeLTYKy6i1g-p7UTsDPaD0ImRFPBHH2P8yTaFLu2LZtSbZteytFPpsntwkQDpGubauxv1R5VIVc0NHE49Xlv45bJ5JsvPsDGBCaS-_C5W-f7nOj6_efYPcHRMeqLw5dCYsDkL3busGtRM3P_agEC4IvDsZQ04WWuVbIDFZfYtDVfUYOy2BmSdRXwKvKGcnC8ar7d0T0gkY7D_vhuiHMBkazngDFBMbKpO5XKAx27CoycgwMNY0lJ

Not an MN thing!

I'm fucking dreading being a MIL- I have 3 boys and no girls! My eldest has promised to take me to Dobbie's once a week when he's older. That's what I've to look forward to . Jesus. I adore them and they'd better adore me back when I'm incontinent and an old fart!

@PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks

I agree and that's why I find it odd on threads, when posters claim they can't understand for a second why women might have a preference for girls over boys Yes! I always wonder why mums of boys often argue that the 'daughter for life, son until he gets a wife' is nonsense. Yes in some cases men will be close to their mums, call everyday, etc. But in most cases they won't whereas their wife will actively keep in touch with her parents, ask for advice about the DGC etc. Is it fair? not really, but claiming it is not real won't make it change.

I don't think it's untrue, but nor do I think it's as universal as people claim. Both DH and my brother are very close to their respective mother's - arguably DB is closer to my mum than I am - so I guess I don't see it as inevitable that DS and I won't be close. I also think that 'daughter for life, son until he has a wife' is the result of wider (and in my view quite shitty) gender dynamics that you don't actually have to embrace, though I agree that it's unlikely that the women on the gender disappointment threads are going to avoid them!

The problem is in my own experience is that my mother is much more empathetic with me than my mil is with me. However, mil is a mother and is only empathetic with her son only, whereas my mum is empathetic with my DH, me and my brothers wife and treats us all equal. My mum helps out with anyone in need.

She helped me at the my dc's birth which was very convenient for DH as he is self employed and wasn't able to take time off. Mum stayed in hospital with me, allowed me to rest, looked after DS for 4 nights in the hospital as I had a traumatic birth. She stayed with me for a further 4 weeks doing the cleaning and cooking. Mil wasn't able to come due to living abroad but when I saw her 2 months later all she wanted to do was mother my child and takeover but the fancy bits. Not once she asked how I was and kept on asking DH how he was sleeping with a crying new born. She is like that in other situations as well for instance when we were looking at a new home to rent she kept on asking if it was close to DH's work rather than asking if we could afford it or if it was convenient for us as a family. She has no daughters herself but she was a DIL herself when married to FIl, so why can't she be empathetic as she was in my shoes before?

My mum is fair with everyone and recently went to help my brothers wife when they were moving. She helped packing and unpacking, she cooked and cleaned and my sil was very grateful. My mil would never do that sort of sacrifice but would expect to experience all the nice parts ie, holidays, attend birthday parties only, dine in restaurants but never get involved with everyday life.

I just read and replied to another post about a woman not wanting her MIL to move in with her but when you read the thread you realise her own mother lives with her brother and his family and often comes to stay with herself and her DH which he never complains about

Where is the double standard? Having someone to visit is in no way comparable to having someone to live with you.

I’d let my MIL move in before my own mother did. She’s much easier to live with!

I'm fucking dreading being a MIL- I have 3 boys and no girls!

So long as you are not expecting future DiLs to be surrogate mothers conforming to your mothering standards you should be just fine.

Obviously in some cases the woman's mother will just be nicer than the man's - some people are nicer than others. But a bit like how I'm suspicious of the fact that almost all women just happen to not like their names, and so end up changing them to their husbands but not because of any patriarchy reasons of course not, I'm also a bit suspicious of the fact that apparently mothers of daughters just happen to be nicer and kinder than mothers of sons, according to MN.

puff you do realise we don’t adore our children in the hope of being treated nicely when we are old, yes?

And I’m sick of reading about women determined to treat the grandparents ‘equal.’ It isn’t equal, nothing in life is. By all means try to forge relationships but not to your own detriment!

I agree with the comments that despite what is said on here lots of women would prefer daughters

My mum drives me mad I couldnt ever live with her again but she makes a heck of a lot more effort with me and my daughters then my mil does. My mum tries to make life easy for me, we see her 2/3 times a week because she is happy to come to ours and help out rather then forcing me to pack the kitchen sink for a visit like MIL does.

My dh doesn't make much effort with his mum either, I have for years made a lot of effort but over the last year I've grown tired of it. Hes happy seeing her once a month and slowly I've stopped pushing him to go more. Why the emphasis was ever put on me to make sure we visit I'll never know

A big part of it, though, is sons not taking responsibility for making sure their mothers are looked after etc when they come. If it all gets put on the woman then their own mother will naturally be preferred.

Just wanted to say that I would much rather live with my MIL than own mother! MIL and DP have a great relationship and my in-laws did actually live with us at one point and it was fine. Living with my own mum would be a nightmare I think.

My parents are just more hands on helpful where as the in laws are More well wordy helpful if that makes sense.

My parents will come around and relay a whole floor to make my house safe just from me saying it’s broken, my in-laws would give advice as to who to call to get it done without having to pay but make take months till my floor is safe.

Completely different people.