Boy mum and girl mum double standards

[Pumi23]

I really want to get a perspective on this as I’m curious what others think. I just read and replied to another post about a woman not wanting her MIL to move in with her but when you read the thread you realise her own mother lives with her brother and his family and often comes to stay with herself and her DH which he never complains about. I just see so much of these double standards.

I only have daughters but I often think boy mums have a rough deal as the girls naturally are more accommodating and accepting of their own mums. I try to be fair to both my DM and MIL. I don’t have “rules” for my MIL like others seem to have. Both my own mum and my MIL annoy the heck out of me but I don’t show favouritism to my own mum. They are both equally welcome to visit when they want and see my kids when they want. We invited both sets around when kids were born. My friends have been in situations where only the girls parents and family were “allowed” to visit when baby was born but them being in-laws and boys family they had to wait 4 weeks. I just feel it’s really sad she wasn’t allowed to see her own grandchild the sane time as her DIL mum

What do the rest of you think?

To give to them equally would have been unfair because they did not give equally
Good point.
But there is gendered inequality in the amount of care that daughters (and sons in law) are expected to give in relation to sons (and daughters in law)
Very true.

I stop helping doing Inlaw gifts.
I said DP was responsible for his family, he missed the date of his DM's twice no gift to his DM or any of his family for 4years.
It embarrassed me I took back on the role.
He loves his DM but like many men just thinks of the here and now.

@Brefugee

santaclaritadiet (fab name!)

I agree with your point, but I think if we are talking about immediate after-birth, it's entirely up to the new mother.

agree - but we did start talking about times outside of right after the birth. I completely agree that until the new mum is on her feet again and "receiving" visitors she gets to call the shots (within reason.)

But in general the vibe I'm getting on this thread is that the DIL has to facilitate the relationship. Fuck that shit (I'm biased because i loathed my own MIL - not even because of how she treated me, i married her golden child and was like the second coming - but how she treated my SILs)

She would just sit on the sofa for three days straight with her note pad, dozing off from time to time. Wouldn't offer to lift a finger to help or play with her grandkids

gosh, SwedishK - did you ever reply saying "vacuuming? you could have done that…"?

Nope, but I wish I had. She knew after a while that it annoyed me so she doesn't do as much analysing anymore. Maybe also because the kids are pretty much grownups and somehow I have managed to brought up two children who turned out to be normal and quite lovely.

She did start bringing me cleaning supplies when she came to visit. Some sort of spray to use on the glass in the shower and microfibre cloths. Apparently I should clean the glass daily after DH has had a shower. She brought 3 bottles. I still have 2 left after 2 years as it turns out I'm not living in the 1950's.

The only real issue we have is that if my mum does something that makes things difficult, I talk it through with her, whereas when MIL does similar, my DH refuses to mention it to her, so she keeps doing it (mostly favouring BIL's kids at the expense our ours). If my mum did that, I'd pull her up on it, but DH quietly seethes.

Apparently I should clean the glass daily after DH has had a shower. She brought 3 bottles. I still have 2 left after 2 years as it turns out I'm not living in the 1950's.

@whiteplains I wish my mil could of shared that attitude! I only wanted an hour in hospital for eldest DC to meet their new sibling and mine couldn’t even give me that, had to come busting in.
I really do think some mils bring this on them selves, how you behave immediately after your grandchild is born will effect your relationship with dil and grand children. If you can’t show a woman a little bit of respect at one of her toughest times you probably never will. It’s not something dils forget easily. In my experience mil didn’t respect my wishes after birth and she still doesn’t now, none on these wishes are unreasonable btw majority of them go for my mother as well.

I don’t like my MIL but not because I had a bad attitude towards her when I met her I was completely open minded same as when I meet any new person.

However she is rude, ignorant, boring (will not go out anywhere or do anything, I get 2 precious days off a week to be with my kids, I’m not spending it at hers to listen to her do nothing but talk about work!

She is also completely disinterested in her grandkids and will not do anything that involves her putting herself out to see them (I.e. visit our house).

If my Mum behaved as the above I wouldn’t see her much either.

But MILs need to take responsibility for building good relationships with their DILs

Surely it should be a shared responsibility? Your MIL is the person who nurtured your partner. All things being equal, shouldn't you want to build a good relationship with her too?

It just seems to me that there's a bit of a power play going on with some women when they give birth. And they use the situation to put MIL in her place.

I'm the mother of daughters and I had a wonderful MIL. But even though we loved each other, my MIL knew that as the parental grandmother, life could potentially be different for her than for my mum. After talking to a friend who lost contact with her grandchildren after a divorce, she said quite anxiously "If you and DH ever split up, you would let me see the grandchildren wouldn't you?"

So yes, there is a double standard for maternal grandparents.

My MIL was wonderful and I was already separated from her son by the time dd was born. But everyone is different. Why should you impose a general conduct on your own dds, when you still do not know what kinds of MILs they will have?

@RachelGreen45 totally agree that the postnatal period seems to be make or break for MIL/DIL relationship. We were civil to one another before my first was born. During my pregnancy she struggled talking positively about the baby and wouldn’t respond to messages I sent her. I went to great lengths to do the equal treatment - they stayed for 4 nights when DD was a few days old - even going so far to push my own family away a bit to make sure MIL didn’t feel left out. All of this was repaid by her ranting about how few times she held DD during that time, how frequently I’ve forgotten DH’s family’s bdays, how I make them feel second best and so on. I now can’t be in her company for more than 10 minutes and struggle to see anything she does in a positive light.

Lesson learnt that for my future DIL (if I have one) - I will absolutely follow her lead in the postnatal period and have no expectations on what ‘should’ be given. I don’t think it is a shared responsibility in that sense. The MIL has been the matriarch and it is their responsibility to welcome the DIL and make it clear that there is space for their own family autonomy, without judgement or condition. You hope a well balanced DIL would then feel very comfortable sharing that space with MIL.

[quote isthisoveryet]@RachelGreen45 totally agree that the postnatal period seems to be make or break for MIL/DIL relationship. We were civil to one another before my first was born. During my pregnancy she struggled talking positively about the baby and wouldn’t respond to messages I sent her. I went to great lengths to do the equal treatment - they stayed for 4 nights when DD was a few days old - even going so far to push my own family away a bit to make sure MIL didn’t feel left out. All of this was repaid by her ranting about how few times she held DD during that time, how frequently I’ve forgotten DH’s family’s bdays, how I make them feel second best and so on. I now can’t be in her company for more than 10 minutes and struggle to see anything she does in a positive light.

Lesson learnt that for my future DIL (if I have one) - I will absolutely follow her lead in the postnatal period and have no expectations on what ‘should’ be given. I don’t think it is a shared responsibility in that sense. The MIL has been the matriarch and it is their responsibility to welcome the DIL and make it clear that there is space for their own family autonomy, without judgement or condition. You hope a well balanced DIL would then feel very comfortable sharing that space with MIL.[/quote]
And that right there is the issue. No MIL including myself should be a matriarch. I'm in charge of my family and my DIL's AND Son's are in charge oftheirs. It is not my DIL's responsibility to.send me or anyone in my family a gift,invite etc...That responsibility is for.my sons.

@saraclara

But MILs need to take responsibility for building good relationships with their DILs

Surely it should be a shared responsibility? Your MIL is the person who nurtured your partner. All things being equal, shouldn't you want to build a good relationship with her too?

It just seems to me that there's a bit of a power play going on with some women when they give birth. And they use the situation to put MIL in her place.

I'm the mother of daughters and I had a wonderful MIL. But even though we loved each other, my MIL knew that as the parental grandmother, life could potentially be different for her than for my mum. After talking to a friend who lost contact with her grandchildren after a divorce, she said quite anxiously "If you and DH ever split up, you would let me see the grandchildren wouldn't you?"

So yes, there is a double standard for maternal grandparents.

Why wouldn't your husband let his mother see his children if you split up? What kind of issues do they have that she would ask that?

Why are managing family relationships always down to the woman!? Shouldn't the man be responsible for his side of the family and maintaining that relationship?
I agree he should be managing his family relationships, but that goes hand in hand with not allowing his family to always be shoved into second place and there's a lot of wives/partners who are all too happy to expect their parents come first.

So many times on here we have threads that are a power play between a DIL and MIL and it's almost always said "you have a DH problem" telling the DIL to put her foot down and tell her DH to put her first. 50% of the time it's reasonable concerns from an OP because MIL is being unreasonable, but the other 50% the DH's parents aren't actually being unreasonable and even then the consensus seems to be that DH has chosen his wife, therefore what she says comes first always and he has to tell his family to back off on her say so.

I think that's the point really, there's a reason why some people still think 'a son is a son until he has a wife' and it's because there's a lot of women out there who view life as a competition with his mother and expect their DH to ditch his family in favour of theirs. Yes those situations have a DH problem, but what they also have 50+% of the time is wife / mum problem where either women in said man's life (or both!) are too bloody juvenile to behave as adults and want to feel like they've 'won'.

@isthisoveryet it definitely was for me, my mil was so forceful in the first few weeks I honestly don’t know how I didn’t snap. She spent two full days 2-8 visiting us at the hospital, my mother and grandma only stayed an hour then left. DGM didn’t even have a cuddle as baby was sleeping and she didn’t want to disturb. Mil couldn’t give a flying fuck. She wouldn’t even leave the room while the nurse removed my catheter. Once home she expected to take 3 day old baby out for a stroll in new pram. Mil makes comments about my mother being favourite all the time, she’s also made comments in front of DPs friends about being the boys mum.
It’s just progressively got worse over time, any request I make gets ignored. If I ever say no she goes and asks DP to undermine me. She causes at least 8 out of 10 of our arguments. Wish I’d put my foot down from the start.

If I’m a mil one day I definitely know how not to act put it that way. A woman will always want her own mother there after birth, maybe even during the birth. I needed help getting showered after csection, luckily DP was there but if not I’d have been comfortable with my mother, I wouldn’t have wanted mil showering me. Same with breast feeding, part of the reason I chose not to BF was because I knew mil would want to be in straight away, I’d happy sit with a boob out in front of my mother but definitely not mil. It’s always going to be like this in most cases.

The best thing mils can do is establish a good bond with dils from the start, not saying that’s solely your responsibility but effort is required.

@Leaannb I don't know what had happened to her friend's grandchildren, but certainly the friend didn't get to see her grandkids any more after the divorce. I suppose it just occurred to MIL that I might move away or something?

I don't know. It would never have been likely that it would happen with us because there'd be no reason for my DH not to have the children. But MIL had no experience of divorce or split families. An unhappy marriage or family not getting along was so far out of her experience that maybe she just got scared about the possibility.

There are certainly plenty of stories out there about grandparents who don't see their GCs any more and who are fighting to have some access.

@LolaSmiles

Why are managing family relationships always down to the woman!? Shouldn't the man be responsible for his side of the family and maintaining that relationship? I agree he should be managing his family relationships, but that goes hand in hand with not allowing his family to always be shoved into second place and there's a lot of wives/partners who are all too happy to expect their parents come first.

So many times on here we have threads that are a power play between a DIL and MIL and it's almost always said "you have a DH problem" telling the DIL to put her foot down and tell her DH to put her first. 50% of the time it's reasonable concerns from an OP because MIL is being unreasonable, but the other 50% the DH's parents aren't actually being unreasonable and even then the consensus seems to be that DH has chosen his wife, therefore what she says comes first always and he has to tell his family to back off on her say so.

I think that's the point really, there's a reason why some people still think 'a son is a son until he has a wife' and it's because there's a lot of women out there who view life as a competition with his mother and expect their DH to ditch his family in favour of theirs. Yes those situations have a DH problem, but what they also have 50+% of the time is wife / mum problem where either women in said man's life (or both!) are too bloody juvenile to behave as adults and want to feel like they've 'won'.

More like people still consider family interactions "wife work" and don't teach their son's that it's not "wife work" and then get nasty because to Dil won't do the wife work as she rightfully expects her husband to contribute and that's when Dil tells husband to put Mom in her place.

[quote saraclara]@Leaannb I don't know what had happened to her friend's grandchildren, but certainly the friend didn't get to see her grandkids any more after the divorce. I suppose it just occurred to MIL that I might move away or something?

I don't know. It would never have been likely that it would happen with us because there'd be no reason for my DH not to have the children. But MIL had no experience of divorce or split families. An unhappy marriage or family not getting along was so far out of her experience that maybe she just got scared about the possibility.

There are certainly plenty of stories out there about grandparents who don't see their GCs any more and who are fighting to have some access.[/quote]
No doubt. My minor children have a protection order against my father

My DH is one of 4 boys. I often want to visit his MIL but he is really not that bothered about visiting her neither are his brothers.

Their DM is wealthy and independent and had little time for the boys as they grew up.

Also my MIL always seems to push me away if I try to get too close and has little interest in the GC. She loves socialising and sailing etc and finds family life dull ever since she divorced in her 40s.

She hasn't remarried and spends her days buying new houses, travelling and just having fun.

[quote RachelGreen45]@isthisoveryet it definitely was for me, my mil was so forceful in the first few weeks I honestly don’t know how I didn’t snap. She spent two full days 2-8 visiting us at the hospital, my mother and grandma only stayed an hour then left. DGM didn’t even have a cuddle as baby was sleeping and she didn’t want to disturb. Mil couldn’t give a flying fuck. She wouldn’t even leave the room while the nurse removed my catheter. Once home she expected to take 3 day old baby out for a stroll in new pram. Mil makes comments about my mother being favourite all the time, she’s also made comments in front of DPs friends about being the boys mum.
It’s just progressively got worse over time, any request I make gets ignored. If I ever say no she goes and asks DP to undermine me. She causes at least 8 out of 10 of our arguments. Wish I’d put my foot down from the start.

If I’m a mil one day I definitely know how not to act put it that way. A woman will always want her own mother there after birth, maybe even during the birth. I needed help getting showered after csection, luckily DP was there but if not I’d have been comfortable with my mother, I wouldn’t have wanted mil showering me. Same with breast feeding, part of the reason I chose not to BF was because I knew mil would want to be in straight away, I’d happy sit with a boob out in front of my mother but definitely not mil. It’s always going to be like this in most cases.

The best thing mils can do is establish a good bond with dils from the start, not saying that’s solely your responsibility but effort is required.[/quote]
Why didn't you tell her to leave? Also, my DIL didn't want her mother anywhere near her during labor or recovery. Because she knew I respected her

@Leaannb that sounds like the perfect attitude to it all. But I bet the bast majority of cases where there is a clash are because the MIL has been a matriarch and therefore projects those expectations on the DIL, and also struggles making that space for them.

It’s certainly cultural in my MIL’s case but there has been no secret on the fact that I should be facilitating DH’s contact with his family, I should be remembering and sending gifts for them and if anything is missed then it is my fault.

So many times on here we have threads that are a power play between a DIL and MIL and it's almost always said "you have a DH problem" telling the DIL to put her foot down and tell her DH to put her first. 50% of the time it's reasonable concerns from an OP because MIL is being unreasonable, but the other 50% the DH's parents aren't actually being unreasonable and even then the consensus seems to be that DH has chosen his wife, therefore what she says comes first always and he has to tell his family to back off on her say so.

Exactly!

And of course if a man ever dares to have an opinion about his partners contact with her mother, he's bang out of order.

A lot of MNers are stunningly hypocritical.
.

I personally do not wish for either MIL or DM to live with us however I love them both dearly. Both met DD at the same time after birth, the next day as soon as visitors were allowed and both held DD that day (FIL drove them and DSS in to see us) DM lives up north and had come down to help with the baby and me post birth - so she saw my ugly CSection scar and checked it for infections. PIL drove me around to shops and clinics as I couldn't drive after the section and MiL came with me to the breast feeding clinic where she helped me position DD and get her to latch on. She's seen my boobs more than my mum I think given the number of times I fed in front of her.
they also used to come and fetch me in the early days and Iet me sleep at their house while they minded the baby because I was so exhausted.
I wouldn't have survived those early days without both DM and MIL. But I still don't want either to move in, nor do I wish to move in with either in their homes....

[quote isthisoveryet]@Leaannb that sounds like the perfect attitude to it all. But I bet the bast majority of cases where there is a clash are because the MIL has been a matriarch and therefore projects those expectations on the DIL, and also struggles making that space for them.

It’s certainly cultural in my MIL’s case but there has been no secret on the fact that I should be facilitating DH’s contact with his family, I should be remembering and sending gifts for them and if anything is missed then it is my fault.[/quote]
That's exactly my point. Stop doing it. When she blames you tell her that it's your husband's responsibility and if he doesn't care to.send gifts,make plans that is a problem between him and her. Every time she brings it up tell her to talk to her son about the obvious issue he has with her. If she brings it up again and the conversation either by saying I'm not talking about this with you anymore, escort her to the door of leave. By putting up with her bulldog you are setting your own children up for a lifetime struggle with their in laws. Regardless of your children's gender

My MIL moved in and looked after me when on bed rest in first pregnancy and PILs came to stay first after each DC was born. MIL did cooking, laundry & cleaning. FIL did garden & walked dog. So helpful and adored DC. Growing up were always happy to read, walk and play with them - much loved grandparents.