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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boy mum and girl mum double standards

223 replies

Pumi23 · 23/07/2020 11:38

I really want to get a perspective on this as I’m curious what others think. I just read and replied to another post about a woman not wanting her MIL to move in with her but when you read the thread you realise her own mother lives with her brother and his family and often comes to stay with herself and her DH which he never complains about. I just see so much of these double standards.

I only have daughters but I often think boy mums have a rough deal as the girls naturally are more accommodating and accepting of their own mums. I try to be fair to both my DM and MIL. I don’t have “rules” for my MIL like others seem to have. Both my own mum and my MIL annoy the heck out of me but I don’t show favouritism to my own mum. They are both equally welcome to visit when they want and see my kids when they want. We invited both sets around when kids were born. My friends have been in situations where only the girls parents and family were “allowed” to visit when baby was born but them being in-laws and boys family they had to wait 4 weeks. I just feel it’s really sad she wasn’t allowed to see her own grandchild the sane time as her DIL mum

What do the rest of you think?

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 23/07/2020 12:34

My MIL lives abroad so we see my
Mum a lot more as she’s in the same city as us.

I will happily be a MIL, I have raised my own children, I don’t need to raise/help raise my grandchildren and see them all the time.

Original poster
Pumi23 · 23/07/2020 12:36

@MsEllany thank you! You’ve explained what I was trying to say so well.

OP posts:
OneForMeToo · 23/07/2020 12:39

Then you look on birth threads and there's lots of people telling women that it's totally fine to set arbitrary limits on her partner's family seeing baby.

You mean a women who’s bleeding, leaking milk, maybe getting the hang of breast feeding, maybe has stitches down below or from a section being more comfortable to just be in her joggers, messy hair just chilled on her sofa around the family she grew up with.

Of course the fathers family get to visit but there is still a huge difference. I’d happily try to breastfeed in front of my family. Not my in-laws, I’d discuss my piles with my mum I wouldn’t my Mil.

My mum also comes to see me to make sure I’m ok as well as see the baby. My mil comes to check in on the baby. Most of the time the mils only want the baby a cuddle with the baby a photo with the baby. While often demanding cups of tea/coffee and commenting on the state of the house.

LolaSmiles · 23/07/2020 12:39

OverTheRainbow88
I love my MIL and we have a great relationship, probably because neither of us see it as a competition.

I also called round unannounced for a coffee yesterday after DC were hard work. She even answered the door without us having an appointment. MN would be horrified Grin

mindutopia · 23/07/2020 12:41

I think it totally depends on the relationship and the person. And actually when dh and I were dating and in the early years of our marriage, I much preferred my MIL to my own mum! As the years have worn on, she's done some horrible unforgivable things (which have put our dc at very severe risk of harm - in this case, intentionally bringing them around someone she knew had sexually abused other children). I keep her very much at a distance now and dh and I have a fairly limited relationship with her.

My own mum is quite problematic herself. I don't enjoy her, I don't really like having her around my children, and her partner is also now banned from our house and we have no relationship with him. I suppose I show 'favouritism' to her in the sense that I do speak with her (have never called my MIL on the phone in all the years I've known her, I don't send her photos of the dc, don't buy her presents - she's dh's mum, not mine, it's his job to facilitate the relationship). But that's because I feel some sort of obligation to keep in touch because she's my mum. I don't feel that at all about MIL. It's dh's job to maintain whatever relationship he wishes to have. I'd never invite my MIL over, or go meet up with her for lunch or anything like that. Because she's not my mum and I don't really like her anyway. But dh can do that if he wishes. I think part of the issue is that women/wives/mothers are often expected to be the facilitators of all family relationships. I don't do that. I barely speak to my own family. I don't also take responsibility for dh's.

Poetryinaction · 23/07/2020 12:42

But your mum lives with your brother OP? Thus negating your whole argument.
We are equally close to both sets of parents.

Poetryinaction · 23/07/2020 12:44

Ok I reread the OP. Not her mum. Confusing.

LolaSmiles · 23/07/2020 12:45

OneForMeToo
I mean women deciding that their parents will be round regularly just after the birth but have already decided that DH's family must wait a month or any other arbitrary limit that they set

Some mums forget that their children have two sets of grandparents and just as their parents are excited about their daughter being a mum, their in laws are excited about their son becoming a dad.

Even there your default approach is that the mother's family will be there to help bit the father's family are just a nuisance who will want waiting on. That might have been your experience because your in-laws may be selfish but that's a selfish person issue, not an in law one.

Original poster
Pumi23 · 23/07/2020 12:45

No my point is that I feel sad that in the British culture the boy mums seem to get left out. If you read properly I said my friend wasn’t allowed to see her grandchild for 4 weeks whereas the girls parents saw her. It’s obviously strange to me and I feel it’s unfair that’s why I’m posting to find out if these double standards exist or seem to exist to me as I’m from a different culture

OP posts:
2pinkginsplease · 23/07/2020 12:47

I get on well with my mil but I do favour my mum, if dh wants to visit his mum more or buy her more at Christmas/birthdays to top up her gift then that’s up to him.

My mum has been a single parent since I was 4, she has worked 2/3 jobs at a time to bring my brother and I up. My brother is useless and doesn’t buy anything so I do probably over compensate.

Original poster
Pumi23 · 23/07/2020 12:47

There’s no double standards in my family as both parents got to see my kids when they were born and both sets of parents went to see brothers kids when they were born. My confusion is why does my friend not get to see her grandkids as she’s the boys mum

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 23/07/2020 12:51

My mum also comes to see me to make sure I’m ok as well as see the baby. My mil comes to check in on the baby. Most of the time the mils only want the baby a cuddle with the baby a photo with the baby. While often demanding cups of tea/coffee and commenting on the state of the house.

This isn’t my case at all though, my mil pitched in, made dinner. Took the toddler for a walk.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 23/07/2020 12:53

The mothers comfort is the most important thing after birth and while establishing breastfeeding.

Some people just aren't comfortable with non family members there while they are bleeding and leaking and sleep deprived etc.

It's great that you felt comfortable, not everyone is though.

The most important relationship to nurture is between the parents and baby, everything else is secondary to that.

Original poster
Pumi23 · 23/07/2020 12:53

It’s interesting to see the comments. Thank you all. I’m a bit overly sensitive now as I have 2 girls lol! I don’t want them to make their MIL feel left out. I think the fairest way to deal with situations like this is to be equally fair and considerate to both mothers and obviously you will deviate more to your own mum but just to be fair, that’s the advice I will give them when they get settled down

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 23/07/2020 12:58

@zingally

My DH is one of 4 children. 3 boys and 1 girl. The girl being the youngest. Their mother (my MIL) is an odd character. All the siblings suspect some mental health problems, but never diagnosed with anything. MIL and FIL divorced when the siblings were in their teens. FIL got a new partner fairly quickly. MIL never did, and seemingly has no interest in doing so (which is fair enough).

But whenever there is an "issue" with MIL, it's always my DHs sister who picks up the slack. ALWAYS.

I've tried to encourage DH to see his mum a bit more often, or call her more, but he never wants to. It's always "oh, sister is seeing her soon I think." I feel sorry for SIL, but I don't want to get too involved in what is obviously some complicated family business. The brothers are all a bit "mum has made her own bed..."

I think it's a common thing that boy children generally step away and get on with their own lives, and girl children feel more of a long-term obligation.

I'd be telling your DH that he is equally responsible for helping his mother. You say he doesn't want to have more contact, but what makes him think his sister does?

It might be a bit complicated, but essentially, your DH and his brothers have dumped their mum on their sister. Did they check their sister was OK with this? Or have they assumed? Maybe she's secretly wishing her brothers could take their turn?

In general, the only reason women do more of the caring of parents, etc, is because men selfishly assume they'll do it. In many cases, they don't even think about it, they just leave it to the women.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 23/07/2020 12:59

I agree. Although I have a brilliant relationship with both mum and mil. I'm worried that I'll become that dreaded mil in years to come.

It's sad that one set of grandparents seem to get the rough deal.

Original poster
Pumi23 · 23/07/2020 13:00

I also think it might be due to boy’s not being so “loving” (sorry not the best word, I’m not making this clearer as English is my 3rd language lol). my husband needs to be reminded when his family birthdays are coming up whereas I remember everyone’s birthdays.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 23/07/2020 13:01

It depends on your MIL doesn't it? Mine's lovely. We've just told her that if she ever needs to, she can live with us.

She was going through some changes...still is....and it made her feel very insecure and lonely. She's 73...so DH and I discussed it and we'd both like it if she was with us.

She's not there yet but at least she knows now...she did feel better about things knowing that.

FortunesFave · 23/07/2020 13:03

Boys are loving OP. My sister says her boys are very loving.

It depends who they marry though doesn't it? I'm not blowing my own trumpet but I am a caring person and consider MIL and FIL to be my family too.

I didn't love them immediately but certainly do now after 17 years.

whiteplains · 23/07/2020 13:05

I really wouldn’t worry about your DDs making any future MILs feel left out.

I have boys, to be honest I won’t be remotely offended if a future DIL wants to keep me at a distance. I hope she won’t but ultimately giving birth is brutal and I wouldn’t judge any woman for having what she needs in the time afterwards. If that’s me, great, if not, guess what, I’m not the priority!

isthisoveryet · 23/07/2020 13:06

I think it’s very difficult to make blanket rules of ‘be fair’ in this case. People are individuals, as this thread demonstrates. Some PP clearly have very considerate, confident MIL who are a pleasure to be around. My mum had one MIL who she loved dearly and chose to live with for a year when I was a baby. My mum remarried years later and now has a nightmare MIL (cried on the wedding day for her ‘lost’ son, ignored my mum, left abusive phone messages for my mum after she’d had my sister etc).

My own experience is of a highly insecure MIL who has pushed us away through her emotional manipulation and demands. She herself admits that she cried for days when her second son was born, as she tried to come to terms with the fact she would never have a girl.

I think you can only work with what you’re given, and that obviously is the same the other way round too as I’m sure there’s some strange DILs around.

whiteplains · 23/07/2020 13:06

Can’t really compare when they are little fortune, it’s when the boys meet partners of their own the dynamics change.

Rosebel · 23/07/2020 13:06

We haven't seen MIL for ages and she's only seen her grandson once. I don't get on with her very well but try to encourage my husband to see her and take the children over but he can't be bothered. My SIL sees her every day but my husband uses the excuse it's easier for her as she's not working.
I'm not sure MIL is that bothered though as she only calls when she wants something.
I see my parents once a week and once I'm back driving will probably see them more.
I have two daughters and a son and it does worry me that I might be pushed out of my son's life as he gets older although I suppose there's no guarantee I'll stay close to my daughter's.
I think women do more their parents than men but I don't know why it's that way.

Original poster
Pumi23 · 23/07/2020 13:08

@whiteplains thank you! I just got really affected by the sadness my friend and her family felt about not seeing their grandchild. She is lovely btw and I can’t imagine her being a nuisance to anyone

OP posts:
saraclara · 23/07/2020 13:08

You mean a women who’s bleeding, leaking milk, maybe getting the hang of breast feeding, maybe has stitches down below or from a section being more comfortable to just be in her joggers, messy hair just chilled on her sofa around the family she grew up with.

Here we go again.

You do know that a lot of went through all that (it's called giving birth and this is Mumsnet) but we got over ourselves because we knew that this baby was every bit as important to our partners' parents as it was to ours. So we treated both sets equally.

Yes, I wasn't as comfortable breastfeeding in front of my FIL in the early days, but that was easily managed, either by my own actions (choosing to take the baby into another room) or by my DH suggesting going for a walk while I fed. Or my FIL himself recognising that when I said the baby would need feeding, taking himself into the garden.

As for looking a bit wrecked, who cares? What's more important, your vanity, or the people who will love this baby more than anyone else but its parents?

Seriously, the total lack of empathy or understanding that both sets of grandparents are equal in their excitement and joy in the arrival of the next generation is bewildering.