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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

.......for seething with anger at new (ish) aupair

166 replies

kittywits · 29/09/2007 09:18

ok new aupair started at end of August. I have 6 dc's 9yrs to 5months. I know it's a lot of work. She's never expected to look after them on her own, just generally help me out.

She's English, has friends why we live, so has a social life etc. She doesn't stop bloody yaking either and is always in my space etc.

There are many ways in which she's great. cooking, cleaning, keen to learn.

When I employed her she didn't tell me she smoked, now I don't mind this too much as I do have a roll up at the end of the day when the dc's are in bed.

She however, smokes at every given opportunity (outside). What she does in her own time is her business, but it's really starting to piss me off that she goes out and smokes when she's supposed to be 'working'.

This morning kind of did it for me.
It's my birthday today and she'd said that she would look after the kids and I could just pretend I wasn't there iyswim. That's great. Now I've been in the house all this time. She's been out clubbing last night and is obviously worse for wear. I go into the kitchen to find the baby all on his own, a little upset and sitting in a shitty nappy.

I call and call for the aupair, no answer.

Of course she's outside having a fag and texting her mates. So I call her in and tell her this is not ok. That looking aftr the kids means being there and that I don't feel happy leaving them in her 'care'.
I also said that I didn't want her to smoke and text her mates during the hours she's "working". She gets plenty of time off.
I also asked her whether she could see my pov and that if she felt she couldn't comply with this then we'd have to think about things.

She's obviously mighty hungover which also pisses me off as we had arranged ages ago that she would give me a break today and she knw she'd have to be on the ball.

Anyway am I being unreasonable about the smoking/texting thing or am I a mean old witch now that I've turned 40 ?

OP posts:
StarryStarryNight · 01/10/2007 13:25

Anna, it seeems we agree.

yogimum · 01/10/2007 13:27

maybe a mature student would be better suited as hopefully they won't be out on the piss all night.

StarryStarryNight · 01/10/2007 13:36

Or maybe even an elderly lady.

3andnomore · 01/10/2007 13:38

Hm....but the au pair choose to do this...and I do find £100 as pocket money is ample...it's an au pair....

When I did my Nursing Training , I had less then that, and it wasn't just pocket money, I actually had to live of it, i.e. buy food, clothing, schooolbooks and whatever....admittedly this was many years ago, lol...still...

Kitty, have you talked to her, and what is going to happen...it is obviously not working for you!

Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 13:42

3andnomore - the money you live on while studying for your future career should not be compared with the money you earn working. The two are not comparable situations.

kittywitch · 01/10/2007 13:53

She's got a bloody easy time of it here!!!!

I really wish I could afford a nanny/ someone who lived out

I wish she WOULD do something else when she's off duty other than smoke/text and eat not all at the time time obviously

3andnomore · 01/10/2007 13:54

hm....but I earned the money because I was working on a ward (whilst also learning) but really to do all the things the qualified staff didn't want to do and I know things have changed, and it isn't liek this anymore, but back then it was..in germany anyway)
generally an Au Pair would be able to use the experience of living in a foreign country and learning a new language or bettering (is that a word), their language knowledge, maybe to enable them to study in that country...

obviously this is an unusal case of a au pair being not foreign

Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 14:00

kitty - but what can she do outside work? She ought to be at language classes... for something like 15 hours a week, plus homework. What learning alternative could you offer her?

3andnomore · 01/10/2007 14:05

maybe something Open University wise, or a gcse course or something like that?

kittywitch · 01/10/2007 14:06

It's not up to me to offer her stuff though. She could find things out. She knows her way round Brighton.
I've suggested she do an evening course, get bar work etc. She says she doesn't want the commitment of either!

kittywitch · 01/10/2007 14:06

lazy arse

kittywitch · 01/10/2007 14:08

SPIDERMAMA thanks, had a fab time. Went to the komedia in the evening and laughed myself silly, haven't done that for a while!!

3andnomore · 01/10/2007 14:08

Kitty, get rid and find a different au pair...

kittywitch · 01/10/2007 14:10

Yeah I will, I suspect that she will come back having"mulled over her commitment decision" and decide that she can't hack it, but at least if she does want to try then I can be firm about what I expect.

3andnomore · 01/10/2007 14:18

Kitty, maybe you could find a foreign au pair, that is more mature (maybe a language student, so, language wouldn't be a problem)...

kittywitch · 01/10/2007 14:25

will start looking

eleusis · 01/10/2007 14:38

Oh Kitty, she is definitely out of line.

My advise for the next one (and God knows with six kids there WILL be a next one)

Interview thoroughly
Check references verbally (don't just take written ones)
HOUSE RULES -- have some!
Have a contract with a detailed job description. This goves you a check list to go through and say, this here is your job and it not really up to snuff. You work really hard doing all these other things, but they are not on this list, so stop doing them.

I also don't like my nannies to work beyond their prescribed hours. I say "If you can't finish your work by 7:00 then I need to know because you have too much to do". I think if there is no division between work time and play time it all runs together and leads to burnout.

eleusis · 01/10/2007 14:41

Also, I highly recommend Canadians and you can find loads of them on greataupair.com. I'm not sure this is the best time of year for hiring. But, definitely worth a shot.

blueshoes · 01/10/2007 14:49

Hi kitty, you need help in the house, not hinderance.

To all those who imply or accuse kitty of slave labour, believe me, having been in the market for aupairs, you get no end of young ladies wanting to work for those wages because that is the DEAL with aupairs - and it does come out in the wash for the aupair financially, career-boosting-wise. No one is exploiting anyone. Lord knows those ladies will leg it faster than you can say boo if they don't like the conditions.

Kitty, I guess the unusual situation here is that your aupair is from UK. Sometimes, even though you take your chances on the level of English, it is better to take foreign ones because they can be very highly qualified or on a gap year from university, but wanting to perfect their English to enhance a further career. If someone applied that was from UK and could not explain why they wanted to be in London or Brighton (in your case), I would assume they lacked ambition and just wanted to be with a boyfriend or hang out with friends.

I would want prospective aupairs to say they want to study English or want the cultural aspects of living in London or take up a course or have activities (my new one plays handball and has looked up handball teams). And before they come, I actively help them to research and sign up for these activities. Just to make sure they get out of the house and make friends asap, which is the key to getting them out of the house even more.

If you aupair works 40 hours a day, that might mean you have to be flexible about working around their schedule on some days (eg 2 weekdays) or cut their hours and paper over with the help of a cleaner.

I am sure it will work out with the right lady. I wish you all the best - 6 children! Hats off to you.

Let me know if you want to see my questionnaire and house rules for aupairs and I can email it to you.

StarryStarryNight · 01/10/2007 14:54

Kitty, may I recommend Scandinavian au pairs?

My current au pair is from Norway. Scandinavian girls (and boys) usually have a high level of English, so there are less chances of you and the au pair having linguistic difficulties. Also, many scandinavian girls just want a gap year prior to starting University, to do something different after 12 years in school, and before starting 3-6 years further study, and they want to perfect their english. The benefit of this to YOU is that if she commits for 9 or 12 months, that is probably how long she will stay. She will NOT look upon you as a ticket to England with work and lodging lined up at arrival, just for her to start looking for another job shortly after arriving to your house. .... The last bit is very important.

try. www.aupairworld.net

kittywitch · 01/10/2007 16:44

BLUESHOES yes please!! That would be a real help

Aupair has just said to me that she can't hack it and wants to go and doss with mates in Brighton. I'm relieved really.

When I think of drawing up a list of questions/ jobs/house rules my head goes all wibbly and blank

STARRYNIGHT, thanks for the Scandinavian suggestion

Will a good list of questions help to separate the wheat from the chaf?

Should I make my needs known at interview? Most importantly for me that dp and I need space in the evenings as we only get an hour a day to see each other ?

You have all been very kind, thankyou x

kittywitch · 01/10/2007 16:48

I haven't got cat email is: [email protected] thanks

goingfor3 · 01/10/2007 16:52

You should make all of your needs know at the interview, it's best to start with total honesty. Don't know what you will do about needing quaility time in the evening though I imagine most au pairs will want to have there own space at that time too.

eleusis · 01/10/2007 17:19

Kitty,
I just sent you an e-mail with a list of questions and sample contract attached. You might want to do a search on mumsnet for "house rules" as well. You will find lots of stuff you never will have thought to mention. Things like "plea turn out the lights if you are the last one to go to bed" and "Please do not let strangers in the house and leave them there alone when you go out"

Oh and "Please do not have sex on the living room floor" "or in MY bed!"

"If the house is burning down, please take the children outside with you"

kittywitch · 01/10/2007 17:22

eleusis bless you!!