Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.......for seething with anger at new (ish) aupair

166 replies

kittywits · 29/09/2007 09:18

ok new aupair started at end of August. I have 6 dc's 9yrs to 5months. I know it's a lot of work. She's never expected to look after them on her own, just generally help me out.

She's English, has friends why we live, so has a social life etc. She doesn't stop bloody yaking either and is always in my space etc.

There are many ways in which she's great. cooking, cleaning, keen to learn.

When I employed her she didn't tell me she smoked, now I don't mind this too much as I do have a roll up at the end of the day when the dc's are in bed.

She however, smokes at every given opportunity (outside). What she does in her own time is her business, but it's really starting to piss me off that she goes out and smokes when she's supposed to be 'working'.

This morning kind of did it for me.
It's my birthday today and she'd said that she would look after the kids and I could just pretend I wasn't there iyswim. That's great. Now I've been in the house all this time. She's been out clubbing last night and is obviously worse for wear. I go into the kitchen to find the baby all on his own, a little upset and sitting in a shitty nappy.

I call and call for the aupair, no answer.

Of course she's outside having a fag and texting her mates. So I call her in and tell her this is not ok. That looking aftr the kids means being there and that I don't feel happy leaving them in her 'care'.
I also said that I didn't want her to smoke and text her mates during the hours she's "working". She gets plenty of time off.
I also asked her whether she could see my pov and that if she felt she couldn't comply with this then we'd have to think about things.

She's obviously mighty hungover which also pisses me off as we had arranged ages ago that she would give me a break today and she knw she'd have to be on the ball.

Anyway am I being unreasonable about the smoking/texting thing or am I a mean old witch now that I've turned 40 ?

OP posts:
BadZelda · 30/09/2007 10:29

They weren't looking after her at the same time, but did become friends over the year they both worked for me

Anna8888 · 30/09/2007 10:29

StarryStarryNight - you are right.

My understanding is that what an au pair gets out of the "job" is, first and foremost, getting to live in England and learn in English by talking to the children and going to classes and living in an English family, secondly some pocket money. In return she does 30 hours work a week and a couple of evenings babysitting - and she shouldn't be working such long split shifts, ie it's OK to ask her to make breakfast for the children but then she has most of the day free for classes before doing most of her work in the afternoon when the children are back from school, or she works all morning and then is free for the day to study/go to classes.

Au pair duties are babysitting/childcare/light housework for the children while a parent is in the house ie she shouldn't have sole charge ever.

And au pairs normally should be invited to eat every meal with the family (though not necessarily the parents). She is supposed to be treated like a daughter of the house.

Au pairs are not a form of cheap servant.

Original poster
kittywits · 30/09/2007 10:52

For all those concerned about pocket money and pocket money is what it is. I do infact pay her more than the recommendation for an AUPAIR PLUS!!!!!!!

She is not a skilled or qualified worker.

Aupairs do not get a "wage" they are not paid as such, there is an important distinction between them and nannies.

She has designated time off, which I am very strict about, unfortunately she is not lol

I wish she ould bloody go out and do something.

Like now she is hanging around doing bits and pieces, washing up. I don't WANT her to, I keep telling her to stop, go out, it's not your time to work etc.

I don't want another child in the house, I want an adult. I am NOT her mother.

What I basically feel is very let down. It was my birthday, she'd offered to help me and she acted like a twat. I don't trust her with my kids now and that's a really big problem.

OP posts:
BadZelda · 30/09/2007 10:56

So in addition to frankly unreasonable hours, you DON'T want her in her 'home' when it doesn't suit you? Nice.

Anna8888 · 30/09/2007 10:56

kittywits - I think both you and your au pair are operating on a misunderstanding of what her role should be .

To an extent you are supposed to be like her mother - you should be treating her as a daughter, ie what you expect of her should be very clear, you should be putting down rules as to what time she is allowed out at night etc, she is supposed to be a fully included member of your family ie you can't expect her to clear out of the kitchen or not have meals with you.

lunavix · 30/09/2007 11:03

what about getting a cleaner in the mornings

then an au pair in, to help just afternoons, and pay them slightly less

StarryStarryNight · 30/09/2007 11:04

Kittywits, your home is her home too now, she cannot be expected to stay out when she is not working. If she is chosing to wash dishes when it is her "time off" it is most likely because she is doing like any reasonably grown up daughter in a house would do, help out with chores!

ScummyMummy · 30/09/2007 11:11

She gets 2.50 an hour and works a 40 hour week with 6 children?

I'm sorry but I'm not surprised you've got someone crap, tbh, kits. And she does sound rubbish at working with kids. But very few people with good judgment and skills would sign on for that deal, I'm afraid. Can you sack her and start again with someone better, expecting fewer hours for your £100p.w. if that's all you can pay? I'm sure you must need the help with that many kids but I really don't think you're paying enough to get anyone who isn't desperate and desperation isn't the greatest quality in an au pair...

StarryStarryNight · 30/09/2007 11:15

Kitty,
Are some of your children in school or nursery? Are you working, or is she supposed to help along side you? Maybe there are other ways you can arrange childcare/ help in the house to suit you better? I dont intend to pry, but maybe a combination of cleaner, au pair and nursery/preschool might work better? For sure, getting six kids up and fed and ready in the morning must be very stressful so no wonder you need live in help!

Original poster
kittywits · 30/09/2007 11:16

I don't want her hanging around ME no, I don't. I don't want anyone hanging around me all day and evening, talking, talking, talking.

BadZelda, the hours are not at all unreasonable for an aupair plus and were discussed very, very clearly when she came for an interview.

Anna, she has all meals with us. She is 22 years old though and is not from a foreign country barely speaking English and feeling understandably scared and alone. I could not have had that sort of aupair because I am not, with all my dc's, in a position to look after another child.

I don't know if I'm cut out to have another person live with me full stop. I don't know if it's a personality thing with her, probably is.

OP posts:
suzywong · 30/09/2007 11:20

bin her and get a cleaner for the mornings and after school care for the older ones a couple of days a week so you can have time with the littlies

take it from one who knows, it will drive you mad living with someone else in your space with whom you are not 100% emotionally honest and you can't have that role as the boss of an au pair. It will drive you mental and it will all rub off on your kids

of course this is wildly easy for me to say, sitting behind a keyboard on the other side of the world but you did ask

StarryStarryNight · 30/09/2007 11:20

Kitty, maybe you just dont get along, it seems the situation is stressing you quite a bit. Does she have any hobbies?
When I got my last au pair I bought her the floodlight cataloge (courses in london) to see if I could find something to interest her in that would take her OUT of the house. I also gave her plenty of information about the local gym and other things to do. Life is so much more meaningful if you have something interesting to do! My au pair signed up for a course in Japanese (her english is brilliant), and she also goes out to do Yoga, Pilates and other things, when she is not seeing her friends.

How long has she been with you? I always find that it takes around a month at least to get comfortable with a new au pair.

Original poster
kittywits · 30/09/2007 11:22

SSn, I have three at primary school. 9, 8 and 6, one at preschool (4 ) a 2o month old and 5 month old. In the mornings I need help getting them dressed, sorted and out, that's an hours' work, then I ask her to have a quick tidy round, then she has time off until the school run starts. She is never left on her own with all the children and very rarely left alone with any of them.

I will ask if I can leave the babies when I go off on the afternoon school run and that's 1/2 hour max.

I think though those of you helpfully suggesting a different arangement are on the right track.

OP posts:
StarryStarryNight · 30/09/2007 11:34

Maybe you can have a mothers help that comes in the morning, and an after school nanny to make the pickup and bring the kids home and stay a few hours and help with them? That way you dont have to have somebody live in.

hope4more · 30/09/2007 11:39

hi. i know im gonna get a lot of angry replys for this but....

i cant understand why people plan a family, have children then pay someone else to help them look after them.

those children r yours, no one forced you have to have 6 of them.

my advice if your gonna complain about the help then fire her and look after your children yourself.

glitterchick · 30/09/2007 11:40

Get rid of her. Not the same thing but I had cleaner who was great in beginning but as time went she got really comfortable and very lax about job. Lovely girl but in the end I became her bloody counsellor because she had loads of probs. Bottom line I realised was that I needed a cleaner not someone to sit there all afternoon pouring out her heart.

Kittywits you have enough on your plate without more hassle. Learn from your mistakes and get someone else or if this is not an option get pen and paper and in writing detail to her exactly what is and is not expected of her - no exceptions! I'm very harsh - sorry.

InMyHumbleOpinion · 30/09/2007 11:41

hope4more

The reason you can't understand why someone would havew children and not look after them 24/7 is that you have too little empathy to see the reality of someone else's situation.

StarryStarryNight · 30/09/2007 11:42

hope4more

this is neither supportive nor helpful advise. I am sure Kitty has considered that option too, and discarded it, hence help. That is her choice.

Original poster
kittywits · 30/09/2007 11:43

hope4more, you ARE funny

OP posts:
StarryStarryNight · 30/09/2007 11:44

hope4more seem prepared for an arguement, she says she expect angry replyes, so lets just ignore it and stay on the topic.

hope4more · 30/09/2007 11:53

im not trying to have an arguement at all.
i just knew that some people would take my message badly.

i just find it amazing how people plan to have children then pay someone to help look after them.

i can understand it if you are going back to work but not if you are staying at home.

i didnt mean to upset anyone and im sorry if i did.

Original poster
kittywits · 30/09/2007 11:59

I've had lots BEACAUSE I can afford the help!!!!!

OP posts:
hope4more · 30/09/2007 12:01

ha ha ha ha good answer

Summerfruit · 30/09/2007 12:02

Message withdrawn

lulumama · 30/09/2007 12:02

i heart kitty