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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.......for seething with anger at new (ish) aupair

166 replies

kittywits · 29/09/2007 09:18

ok new aupair started at end of August. I have 6 dc's 9yrs to 5months. I know it's a lot of work. She's never expected to look after them on her own, just generally help me out.

She's English, has friends why we live, so has a social life etc. She doesn't stop bloody yaking either and is always in my space etc.

There are many ways in which she's great. cooking, cleaning, keen to learn.

When I employed her she didn't tell me she smoked, now I don't mind this too much as I do have a roll up at the end of the day when the dc's are in bed.

She however, smokes at every given opportunity (outside). What she does in her own time is her business, but it's really starting to piss me off that she goes out and smokes when she's supposed to be 'working'.

This morning kind of did it for me.
It's my birthday today and she'd said that she would look after the kids and I could just pretend I wasn't there iyswim. That's great. Now I've been in the house all this time. She's been out clubbing last night and is obviously worse for wear. I go into the kitchen to find the baby all on his own, a little upset and sitting in a shitty nappy.

I call and call for the aupair, no answer.

Of course she's outside having a fag and texting her mates. So I call her in and tell her this is not ok. That looking aftr the kids means being there and that I don't feel happy leaving them in her 'care'.
I also said that I didn't want her to smoke and text her mates during the hours she's "working". She gets plenty of time off.
I also asked her whether she could see my pov and that if she felt she couldn't comply with this then we'd have to think about things.

She's obviously mighty hungover which also pisses me off as we had arranged ages ago that she would give me a break today and she knw she'd have to be on the ball.

Anyway am I being unreasonable about the smoking/texting thing or am I a mean old witch now that I've turned 40 ?

OP posts:
alycat · 30/09/2007 12:03

4more Have you NEVER used a babysitter? Or do you think that once you have your children you should give up your life to an endless cycle of cooking/cleaning/laundry/school runs/play without break or complaint?

Didn't we read similar competitve martyrdom on a recent thread?

Perhaps it is just jealousy, not everyone can afford/has room for an Au Pair.

I think many of the people critising have little or no idea about APs/AP+. £100 for 40 hrs is well above average (I only pay £75), split shifts are the norm - usually this frees up APs time to go to study. It is unusual for an AP to be English, but not unheard of.

alycat · 30/09/2007 12:05

SF, my new AP is French (5days and counting), can't wait to practise my rusty
M. Lafyette has got brown trousers style school French!

meowmix · 30/09/2007 12:09

if I had 6 kids under 9 and was at home I'd need help just to stay sane. you can have help with the kids and still be involved in their lives and a good mother.

hopeformore your comment exemplifies the sanctimonious crap that ruins this site for me some days.

OP - set some boundaries. tell her you need some space, that you find it difficult not having your house to yourself but are glad she's there, blah blah. she's prob picked up that you don't like having her around all the time and is overcompensating.

Summerfruit · 30/09/2007 12:11

Message withdrawn

jaz2 · 30/09/2007 12:27

Not followed thr whole thread through...but if I were you kittywits, I would be pissed off. Birthdays are possibly the one day in the year when one has a right (even as a mother) to be treated with a little bit of tlc.

However, it does sound like you need a proper sit-down, calm discussion with your AP, to outline what you expect her to do / not do. At 22 she needs these guidelines. Very few 22yo's have much common sense - and one can't expect them to be mind-readers for an older (sorry!) mother of 6! If she doesn't agree to your guidelines, get rid of her. No point in paying her if you resent her and don't trust her. Your children are too valuable to risk anything - even if it does mean you are rushing round like a mad woman for a few weeks until you can get a new home help.

Original poster
kittywits · 30/09/2007 12:38

Ah, thank you all so much for your(-in the main-) mostly sensible and thoughtful comments!!
Alycat, thanks so much for verifying the wotk/ money situation. I think the some people don't get edactly what an aupair + is. Anyway she's gone out for lunch with a bloke she met whilst out on the lash on Friday. God i hope he offers her some ehem, distraction
I chat with her later. I feel much more cheery now.

OP posts:
BeetrootMNRoyalty · 30/09/2007 12:41

Kitty when I had my thrid I made sure I had help. And it was wonderful. Everyone was happy!!

however, I would give this girl her notice. bad help is worse than no help.

I have had a few terrible au pairs and got rid of them pretty early on if they didn't work out.

There are some wonderful wonderful girls out there.

juuule · 30/09/2007 13:01

Kitty if it's just for getting ready in the morning and the afternoon school-run, are you sure you need an aupair? Just thinking that you might be totally wasting your £100.

Original poster
kittywits · 30/09/2007 13:08

Juule, she helps with the hoovering/tidying, mountains of washing. In the morning she's house focused and to her credit she's good at this. In the afternoon I want her to be child-focused, especially with ther babies so that i can actually spend at little time with the older ones.
What do you think I need then?

OP posts:
Original poster
kittywits · 30/09/2007 13:09

Trouble is she's totally Kitty-focused and is wearing me out.

OP posts:
juuule · 30/09/2007 13:17

I know my sister used to employ an older lady a couple of mornings a week to clean the house and do any ironing that was left for her. I don't think she did any washing though. Maybe something like that would work better.
Do you want to spend time with all the older children together? If not, don't they play with the little ones? If some play with the little ones that gives you time with some of the older ones. If you want to do something with all the older ones isn't there a way of including the little ones a bit (I know the baby probably won't join in but generally babies seem okay with a box full of spoons, pegs or similar )
I'm not quite sure what it is that you are after, I'm just trying to make a few suggestions based on what you've said.

Original poster
kittywits · 30/09/2007 13:42

thanks juule, my real prob is the 20 month old monkey!!! She kind of scuppers any quality time but wading in an d doing what 20 month olds do!!

OP posts:
juuule · 30/09/2007 14:13

I can understand that.
I do think it helps if everyone is involved if possible. Could your 9yo do jigsaws (or something else that your 20m is interested in)with your toddler? Do the children do things together anyway? I'm trying to think what things my lot do together that allows me time with individuals. I think I wait my moment, when some are occupied and then spend time with the other/s. Notice what keeps who occupied and arrange around that,maybe.
Do you have dh/dp who could spend time with some while you spend time with others? Could you work it between you?

Weegle · 30/09/2007 14:47

hope4more you're only slightly blinkered then?? I chose to have my child. I will choose to have another (I hope). However I did not choose to get an illness/disability which means I struggle sometimes and therefore choose to have an au pair.

kittywits - I do actually think to an extent you are being unreasonable. How can you have employed her without knowing she smokes? Surely that was on your interview Q's?? Also you say she works Mon-Fri but here you're complaining about a Saturday? You SHOULD treat her like a member of the family and I wouldn't expect any young person to take initiative in a household with young kids - her tasks should be explicitly written out. If you don't want her smoking/texting during her time "working" then it is your responsbility to nip it in the bud. Also au pairs shouldn't have sole charge of kids - I think a lot of people don't realise this. There is no way I would leave a 22 year old non-qualified person in charge of 6 kids, I think it is unreasonable to expect someone to hande that. Nonetheless she does also sound like a PITA so of course she's getting to you. Think you need to get rid. If you can find an oversea one whose English is good then actually the system works brilliantly because they get so much more than just the cash out of the exchange.

BarbieGirl · 30/09/2007 15:57

£100 a week for looking after 9 kids is not that good IMO.

alycat · 30/09/2007 16:03

BG, Who has 9 kids? The OP (quite bravely imho) has 6.

It is not wages, it is pocket money.

IT IS ALSO ABOVE AVERAGE FOR AN AU PAIR +

Should I just pop on and repeat the above message every few minutes until people get it?

BarbieGirl · 30/09/2007 16:06

Still peanuts even for 6 Kids. I feel quite sorry for her.

BeetrootMNRoyalty · 30/09/2007 16:08

she does not 'look after 6 kids'

she helps around the house and helps with the kids.

BeetrootMNRoyalty · 30/09/2007 16:09

did the au pisr get press ganged into this job??

Or did he take it of her own free will?

InMyHumbleOpinion · 30/09/2007 16:15

£100 is a LARGE amount of pocket money on TOP of bed and board! I wish I £100 a week to spend on whatever I want!

juuule · 30/09/2007 16:23

Me too, IMHO

Weegle · 30/09/2007 16:26

I agree it is good money for an au pair plus. but it's about more than that. Feeling welcome in the home and as part of the family has to be a large part of it. From the sounds of it you're not well suited to each other and you should try again but next time be more thorough in your vetting process stating right from the word go (ie before they are even offered a position) exactly what tasks you expect done day to day and what they get in return. And they do have to feel like it is their home too.

Original poster
kittywits · 30/09/2007 16:39

I know I kind of stumbled into this without proper planning.

I didn't think to ask about the smoking, stupid, I know, but you live and learn. I naively thought everything would simply fall into place, again, stupid.

Thanks for correcting that Beetroot she does not at any point have soul charge. I am the only person even remotely able to do that, (and that's questionable), not even dp could!

If she were to pay for her board and lodging it would come to about £170 per week. So she gets £270 a week+
She lives in a lovely house, she has a really decent sized room, newly dexcorated and carpeted, she has her own bathroom and loo and use of the children's playroom as a sittingroom. She's hardly having a crap time.

I am though.

OP posts:
Original poster
kittywits · 30/09/2007 16:41

Just to clear things up she wanted to help on my birthday, to give me a lie in and little rest from the kids. I didn't ask, but was grateful for the offer. It was my 40th 21st birthday ffs.

OP posts:
Original poster
kittywits · 30/09/2007 16:42

IMHO she spends it on booze ( she drinks a lot) fags and taxis !!!!

OP posts: