Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.......for seething with anger at new (ish) aupair

166 replies

kittywits · 29/09/2007 09:18

ok new aupair started at end of August. I have 6 dc's 9yrs to 5months. I know it's a lot of work. She's never expected to look after them on her own, just generally help me out.

She's English, has friends why we live, so has a social life etc. She doesn't stop bloody yaking either and is always in my space etc.

There are many ways in which she's great. cooking, cleaning, keen to learn.

When I employed her she didn't tell me she smoked, now I don't mind this too much as I do have a roll up at the end of the day when the dc's are in bed.

She however, smokes at every given opportunity (outside). What she does in her own time is her business, but it's really starting to piss me off that she goes out and smokes when she's supposed to be 'working'.

This morning kind of did it for me.
It's my birthday today and she'd said that she would look after the kids and I could just pretend I wasn't there iyswim. That's great. Now I've been in the house all this time. She's been out clubbing last night and is obviously worse for wear. I go into the kitchen to find the baby all on his own, a little upset and sitting in a shitty nappy.

I call and call for the aupair, no answer.

Of course she's outside having a fag and texting her mates. So I call her in and tell her this is not ok. That looking aftr the kids means being there and that I don't feel happy leaving them in her 'care'.
I also said that I didn't want her to smoke and text her mates during the hours she's "working". She gets plenty of time off.
I also asked her whether she could see my pov and that if she felt she couldn't comply with this then we'd have to think about things.

She's obviously mighty hungover which also pisses me off as we had arranged ages ago that she would give me a break today and she knw she'd have to be on the ball.

Anyway am I being unreasonable about the smoking/texting thing or am I a mean old witch now that I've turned 40 ?

OP posts:
pointydog · 30/09/2007 16:51

How's about

cleaner
ironer
older woman as mother's help

Weegle · 30/09/2007 16:51

I do really feel for you. I can't imagine where you find any time with your 6, so hat off to you. But I do think you need to sit her down tonight after the kids are in bed and "re-evaluate" where you are. You need to state clearly (and it probably wouldn't hurt to write it down) what you expect e.g. Monday: hours to be on hand x to x, tasks to be done: x,y,z etc etc. Then also say what standards of behaviour you would like whilst she is "working" e.g. no texting and cig break every hour or whatever you feel happy with. Ask her what she is finding hard etc and try and find some common ground. Say you also like to sometimes have some peace and quiet in the house once the kids are occupied etc (ie stop yer yacking girl!). Then give it say a fortnight and if it's still not working then get rid and start again. Come over on to the nannies/childminders/au pair board and get some sample interview Q's etc so you can make sure you don't miss obvious things before hiring someone. But what's done is done - try to make the most of this one, give it a good last shot, but if it still doesn't work out then don't get down on yourself. And don't worry, your terms and conditions sound more than reasonable, as long as the girl feels welcome in the house and part of the family e.g. you say she has use of her own sitting room, but can she in fact sit with the family and watch TV with you etc, she might be feeling isolated. Also if you do have to start again seriously consider a northern European - usually have excellent English, can go to college in the middle of the day, and gains so much more from the experience than "pocket money" because of wanting to experience living in another country. Good luck!

Original poster
kittywits · 30/09/2007 17:18

Thanks weegle, I'll def have a look at the sample interview q's.
You know for the first three weeks, I felt fine about things. I didn't really mind too much that she folllowed me around and spent evenings with me and dp. But I mind now. As you say I'll sit her down and be clear about what I need /expect and we'll see how it goes.

i'd love that pointydog, but where to find them?

OP posts:
alycat · 30/09/2007 18:43

Kitty, don't fel stupid for not asking 'obvious' Q's - I didn't ask my first AP if she'd ever changed a nappy (she hadn't)

I'm glad you are getting some good advice from people who understand the situation.

I am in nervous anticipation of my new girl arriving, the stressful 'settling in period' I'm tired thinking about it!

kittywitch · 01/10/2007 11:49

Right, have finally confronted her. She came in absolutely wasted last night, having disappeared off with some new bloke yesterday. I had no idea when she was intending to come back.

Anyway I told her today that she seemed to be struggling and that obviously she can't go out and get shit faced and then expect to work with kids the next day.
She said she was finding it much harder than she thought.

So I said she should go away and think about whether she wanted to commit to this job.

I hope she decides to go

StarryStarryNight · 01/10/2007 12:30

Kitty, by the sounds of it, you have made up your mind, lets just hope she comes to the same conclusion, and that you soon will find suitable childcare arrangements.

Piggy · 01/10/2007 12:40

Another thing to bear in mind is whether she's actually still pissed the morning after. Does she drive your dc anywhere? She's probably over the limit if she does. Even if she doesn't drive your dc anywhere I'm guessing that she's still pissed when she's looking after your dc.

sparklesandwine · 01/10/2007 12:43
yogimum · 01/10/2007 12:43

Earlier you mentioned you could afford help so why not get a professional nanny, somebody who has chosen childcare and will come to work expecting to work and will take her job seriously. I'm sure it will be weight off your shoulders. Good luck

yogimum · 01/10/2007 12:47

Even someone straight from college, would be better than this girl. A friend of mine has a Norland trainee who is fab.

StarryStarryNight · 01/10/2007 12:51
snowleopard · 01/10/2007 12:54

Haven't read all posts but....I don't think she's underpaid. She gets board, lodging, food, bills paid.... her £100 a week is spending money. Few mothers have that much spending money after paying all the bills.

However I do think she has to go - she left your baby alone while she was outside, she lied about the smoking, and she gets hungover - all just not on. I would tell her it is a problem for you - she does not have fag breaks while "on duty", she does not work hungover. If she can't stick to that (and she'll balk at the thought of it) then she's out.

Next time, have a contract and include in it requirements about smoking and general duties and standards - so if they break it, it's all off.

Spidermama · 01/10/2007 12:56

Yes this would drive me mad. To some extent that's what teenagers do these days, text each other all the time. It's very irritating but you have to put your foot down.

Belated happy birthday kittywits and, I din't know you were in Brighton. I'll look out for you with your brood.

There are quite a few large families down here aren't there?

Spidermama · 01/10/2007 12:59

I also remember moving away from home at 19 to London and my mum had set me up to stay with a friend. I thought I was the perfect lodger but I don't think the friend thought so and I remember being really taken aback when she confronted me about phone bills and cleaning the porridge pot in the mornings. I'd always lived at home up until then and had never given these things a second though.

Perhaps many of us have forgotton what it's like when you first leave home to suddenly have more rather than less responsibility. It's tough for those of you hiring aupairs to have to be teaching them about responsibility at the same time.

StarryStarryNight · 01/10/2007 13:03

AuPairs are often very young, dont think about a lot of things that needs doing in a house, can be a bit emotionally immature and need a little mothering.

Mine came back after celebrating her 20th birthday, and her boyfriend broke up with her. On her birthday. Great. She is sobbing in front of the tv now. I shall go buy her some ice cream later.

Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 13:04

Snowleopard - but mothers mostly have DHs, babies and mortgages. It is not fair to compare the "pocket money" of a young girl with nothing in her life to the "pocket money" of a mother with a family.

The more I think about it, the more I feel that £100 a week plus board and lodging for 40 hours work is just awful... slave wages...

StarryStarryNight · 01/10/2007 13:10

Anna888, I think that is why a professinal nanny is paid anything between £350-£400 in London these days. An Au-Pair is something totally different. Even an AuPair plus is different, and the difference lie in the cultural exchange aspect. The idea of coming to a different country and stay as a daughter in the house, not an employee, and learn language and culture for pocket money.

Mine also gets mobile phone and travel card, and I pay all her toiletry needs too. As a daughter would not go and buy shampoo, etc.

We are celebrating her birthday tomorrow (she was away this weekend), I will cook beef with bernaise, asparagus and sautes mushrooms, and new potatoes, and bake her a cake!

But Kitty's aupair seems to be a different story, she just wants to party with friends, and drink herself legless/

yogimum · 01/10/2007 13:12

but this girl isn't technically an au pair is she as she is from this country? She sounds a pain in the butt and I wouldn't hesitate in getting rid of her.

Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 13:15

StarryStarryNight - sure, but this girl isn't really an au pair. I have no problems with real au pairs, who are in it for the language learning and cultural experience, getting £100 pocket money. But this girl is only getting £100 wages - there's no learning involved for her.

StarryStarryNight · 01/10/2007 13:16

Anna888, that is why I am bringin up the point about the salary of a nanny, as this girl is english, she isnt really an "aupair".

snowleopard · 01/10/2007 13:17

OK, anyone of that age would be lucky to come away with £100 per week to spend on themselves if they were supporting themselves on what they earned. She's not getting £4 an hour, she's getting £4 plus a home, food and bills. To pay for all that, she'd need to earn a lot more, so it's not fair to suggest she's being paid slave wages.

StarryStarryNight · 01/10/2007 13:18

If this girl was able to STUDY for a career, childcare, etc, on the side from her work with Kittywits, the benefits to her would be much greater. As it is now, she is not advancing her career, not learning anything. Pretty hopeless, in truth.

Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 13:18

StarryStarryNight - I expect we are in total agreement on this one .

Either you have a foreign au pair who you treat as a daughter of the house (as you do) and give pocket money (£100 a week) to, OR you have a professional nanny to whom you pay wages (£300-£400 a week or more).

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys IMO .

yogimum · 01/10/2007 13:23

there was a thread last week where the girl was been paid £270 for similiar hours to this and was studying homeopathy whilst children were at school. She was on a good deal I think.

StarryStarryNight · 01/10/2007 13:25

Yogimum, a friend of my former au pair was having similar hours, her own studioflat in the house, and studied psychology at university in her spare time. Similar salaries.