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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

.......for seething with anger at new (ish) aupair

166 replies

kittywits · 29/09/2007 09:18

ok new aupair started at end of August. I have 6 dc's 9yrs to 5months. I know it's a lot of work. She's never expected to look after them on her own, just generally help me out.

She's English, has friends why we live, so has a social life etc. She doesn't stop bloody yaking either and is always in my space etc.

There are many ways in which she's great. cooking, cleaning, keen to learn.

When I employed her she didn't tell me she smoked, now I don't mind this too much as I do have a roll up at the end of the day when the dc's are in bed.

She however, smokes at every given opportunity (outside). What she does in her own time is her business, but it's really starting to piss me off that she goes out and smokes when she's supposed to be 'working'.

This morning kind of did it for me.
It's my birthday today and she'd said that she would look after the kids and I could just pretend I wasn't there iyswim. That's great. Now I've been in the house all this time. She's been out clubbing last night and is obviously worse for wear. I go into the kitchen to find the baby all on his own, a little upset and sitting in a shitty nappy.

I call and call for the aupair, no answer.

Of course she's outside having a fag and texting her mates. So I call her in and tell her this is not ok. That looking aftr the kids means being there and that I don't feel happy leaving them in her 'care'.
I also said that I didn't want her to smoke and text her mates during the hours she's "working". She gets plenty of time off.
I also asked her whether she could see my pov and that if she felt she couldn't comply with this then we'd have to think about things.

She's obviously mighty hungover which also pisses me off as we had arranged ages ago that she would give me a break today and she knw she'd have to be on the ball.

Anyway am I being unreasonable about the smoking/texting thing or am I a mean old witch now that I've turned 40 ?

OP posts:
Pan · 29/09/2007 10:54

"a major realignment meeting..." alycat...will be using that one soon! Brilliant.

and kity, did you really have to concoct this whole scenario just to tell all that today is your birthday???.

Happy Birthdau To You!

StarryStarryNight · 29/09/2007 10:55

Missed that bit.

Happy Birthday!

bubblagirl · 29/09/2007 11:01

i dont think its a big deal she didn't tell you she smoked as i would of thought that would of been a question you would of asked when employing her beings she'll be with your kids she hasn't withheld imformation you obviously didn't ask

however the constant cig breaks are not on tell her she can have 1 an hr office workers get this as a right 5 min once an hour as long as dc are ok and clean and occupied

you dont seem to like her company but she aeems to be ok other wise tell her no clubbing in week if she is unfit to look after dc

i agree with everyone else to set ground rules no one can just make themselves at home like that without being aloud to do so in the first place so maybe you need to take a stronger stand as her boss

bubblagirl · 29/09/2007 11:07

missed the part of 100 pound a week even with room and board she doesnt really get a day to herself only few hours and i think maybe you are expecting a bit to much

i think you need to definatly get rules in place but also her situation isnt exactly ideal i done shift work its hard work and i know 100 pound may be generous but it isnt alot now days

i think you need to jsut seperate from friend to boss within working hours and make sure rules are followed and in own time allow her to do as she wants its her time after all

StarryStarryNight · 29/09/2007 11:12

Does she work 5 days per week, or 7?

juuule · 29/09/2007 11:15

It doesn't sound as though it's working.
I don't know how you cope with a stranger in your house. I couldn't do it (would drive me mad) and I would have to know them very well to consider leaving my children with them.
I have no idea how aupair thing works so feel free to ignore me.
Have you got a clear picture of what it is you want?
Maybe get a cleaner (as someone has already said) and perhaps someone to prepare meals. That would free you up to have time with the children if that's what you are after. Do your older 4 go to school? If so, that would give you time with the toddler and the baby. Could you set 3 of the older ones an activity together that needs minimum input from you and that would free up time for one of the older ones?
It's a bit of juggling but I find that the it's the meals, washing/ironing and cleaning which are the biggest hindrance to me having time with the little ones.

Oh and Happy birthday Kitty

alycat · 29/09/2007 15:46

bg, sorry but a) she said weekdays, so the girl has w/ends off (I'm presuming) and b) slightly different leaving your desk unaccompanied whist you smoke to leaving DCs unattended!

I only pay £75 for AP+ (only have 2 DCs).

I have now been without an AP since 19th Aug, next one arriving 5th Oct.

I can't wait to have some quality time with each of my DCs INDIVIDUALLY knowing that somewhere in the house the other one is having fun, not just parked in front of the TV/reading on own.

lulumama · 29/09/2007 15:55

jsut wanted to say happy birthday kitty

hope you have a great day and you get this sorted xxx

Rosylily · 29/09/2007 16:14

I think this has been stressing you out for a while. It will be a great birthday present to yourself to sort it out.
I couldn't bare to have an aupair. Very stressfull having someone in your space. And if you don't quite like her? Impossible!

A cleaner every day and someone cooking meals would be great though!

kittywits · 30/09/2007 07:47

Thanks for all you birthday wishes i had a fab time!!!

Anyway I found out from dp yesterday that the aupair hadn't even gone to bed on friday night.

When I saw her in the kitchen on Sat morning she had only just come in
My old helper came rond all day yesterday to help out and she sent the aupair to bed

I'm bloody furious and there will be big chats today

OP posts:
ssd · 30/09/2007 08:05

why not get a trained day nanny for less hours?

someone who knows what she's doing is what you need with so many kids, not a youngster out on the p. then babysitting for you

scienceteacher · 30/09/2007 08:10

YANBU

StarryStarryNight · 30/09/2007 09:39

Kittywits, looks like you have found your reason to dismiss her straight away! That is just plain irresponsible.

Desiderata · 30/09/2007 09:42

Hi, Starry My email isn't working too well at the moment, but thanks for your message. I'm spankingly well, thanks!!

StarryStarryNight · 30/09/2007 09:44
Ripeberry · 30/09/2007 09:45

This Au-pair sounds underpaid, OK she has board and lodging but does she have proper time off?
Is she expected to help out at w/kends on short notice?
If you used a nursery you would be paying FAR more.
Give a decent wage and you'll get good staff.
Paying peanuts means you'll always get monkeys.
£100 for a 40hr week just sucks!
AB

Ripeberry · 30/09/2007 09:49

Happy birthday by the way!

Isababel · 30/09/2007 09:56

I have only read the OP but I would seriously reconsider my decision of having her around if she is around with a hungover at the time she is supposed to be taking care of my child.

goingfor3 · 30/09/2007 10:04

The girl is only getting four pounds an hour, I realise that she gets room and board but I don't expect anyone will really work hard for that amount of money and an au pair shouldn't be doing that many hours . She shouldn't have left the baby though.

littlelapin · 30/09/2007 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goingfor3 · 30/09/2007 10:13

LOL I'm so tired and my maths is bad. £2.50 an hour is an awful wage it's pocket money, she must be really desperate to live close to her friends.

pointydog · 30/09/2007 10:20

How old is she?

She said she'd help out on Saturday as a favour, so I take it that normally she would never be hungover with the children. The favour went wrong but I don't think you can slam her for it. Sounds like she was (ineptly) trying.

I think a lot of comments here are very harsh.You are teh older woman with children. She is a young girl (I assume) who is looking for excitement. There will often be this gulf with au pairs. You need to be very clear what you expect but also try to see things from their pov too.

And the fact she yaks a lot and you don't like her much - that's just her personality and won't change.

StarryStarryNight · 30/09/2007 10:20

I think the problems are caused by this being an English au pair. The au pair programme is supposed to be a cultural and linguistic exchange, where a young person comes from abroad to learn the language and culture, and works with child care in exchange for pocket money, board and lodging.

BadZelda · 30/09/2007 10:25

Actually i feel sorry for the poor girl. It's a bloody disgrace what people expect au pair's to do for naff all money.

BadZelda · 30/09/2007 10:27

I had both a french and an american student looking after my child. I paid both seven pounds an hour, made sure they had plenty of breaks, fresh coffee and nice outings with DD at least once a week. Happy carer = happy child in my book: they are not slaves!