Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have you dated someone of diff intelligence?

219 replies

AnyOldMorricone · 12/07/2020 20:10

Can I ask if you have been in a relationship with someone less (or more) intelligent than you? If so, how did it work out? What were the challenges? Could you make it work?

I’m not talking Forest Gump and Steven Hawking but just everyday & more subtle!

Interested to hear others’ experiences.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 12/07/2020 20:14

I suppose it depends how you measure intelligence? Some people might be academic and multiple degrees etc, but that doesn’t mean they’re necessary more intelligent than someone who doesn’t.

Original poster
AnyOldMorricone · 12/07/2020 20:18

@Sparklesocks

Aye, talking about intelligence not education.

OP posts:
My0My · 12/07/2020 20:18

Yes. First boyfriend. He was fun. For a bit and then I realised he was not on my wavelength. He simply would never get a decent job and fortunately I realised our differences before too long. I don’t have a degree but I’m intelligent I think. My DH is bright and runs his own quite large business. I think not being bright was only part of the problem. Lack of ambition was the real killer.

barbrahunter · 12/07/2020 20:21

My first husband was, let's say.. not exceptionally bright. In my defence, I was only 19 when I married him so it took me a little time to realise the extent of his idiocy. We mostly got along, it just meant that I couldn't share everything with him because he couldn't understand. I remember that sinking feeling when my dad tried to have a quite in depth conversation with him when we went to visit once, and it was obvious that my husband didn't understand what he was going on about. I'm no brain of Britain, but it does present barriers in a relationship when there's a disparity of basic raw intelligence.

icedaisy · 12/07/2020 20:22

Depends on how you measure it.

I'm academic. Was partner in a law firm. I'm very disciplined and focused. I'm also very rigid and don't like disruption or chaos.

Dh left school at 16 and works on his family farm. He contract farms as well. He's had working, kind, gentle and loyal. I don't think I've seen him read a book but he will nurse a lamb all night.

He's laid back to the point of falling over but would break out in a sweat in a supermarket or busy place.

So very different, but married nearly 20 years from age 19.

4amWitchingHour · 12/07/2020 20:22

Yes, boyfriend when I was at uni. We had fun for a bit, but I got really bored not being able to have in depth conversations. Intelligence them became a critical factor in future partner choice - there had to be an intellectual spark otherwise I knew it would go nowhere.

LethargicLumpOfLockdownLard · 12/07/2020 20:23

Not since I was a teenager. All subsequent partners were about even or slightly more intelligent, DH and I are pretty well matched, I'd probably beat him in an IQ test (though not by much and mostly because I used to do them for fun) but he is far more knowledgeable when it comes to general knowledge, though I'm better at maths and I read a lot.

I need someone who can think critically and argue intelligently.

fromheretonowhere · 12/07/2020 20:23

Not sure if it’s the type of example you are after, but I’d like to think I’m of average intelligence however DH is a member of MENSA and has his IQ measured as in the top 5% of the population.

We are on a similar wavelength but I do notice he is bored easily, sometimes goes into huge detail about things ie financial which are way beyond my understanding (and other people’s I’ve observed), and is a very high achiever academically and in his career. I feel a bit thick in comparison sometimes!

Blackcurrant66 · 12/07/2020 20:27

Well there are different types of intelligence aren’t there.

I had a boyfriend who didn’t have any GCSEs but was very musical and intuitive. A really lovely person to be around and we’re still good friends 20 years after we split. I’m academic but I’d never say I was more intelligent than him. We have different abilities. His have brought him and other people a lot more joy than mine quite honestly.

Theonewiththecandles · 12/07/2020 20:30

My boyfriend when I was 17. He was 18 and didn't know what the word "patronising" meant. I gave up after that

wifflewafflebiscuit · 12/07/2020 20:30

Yes. I'm academic and high iq. He's practical, hands on, dyslexic. I do the admin, banking, schooling etc. He cooks, gets the kids into sports and takes them to the sports etc, and saves me from myself and my anxiety. He stops me walking into the traffic when I'm not paying attention. I stop him spending all our money on bikes.

frog22 · 12/07/2020 20:31

Unless you both take an IQ test how do you know? Different people have different life experiences and interests. If someone isn't interested in darts it's hard for a darts enthusiast with a low IQ to have a meaningful conversation with someone who knows nothing on the subject who has a high IQ.

PermanentTemporary · 12/07/2020 20:35

My first husband was stratospherically intelligent. I know I embarrassed him a bit a couple of times. It wasn't why we split though.

Babesinthewud · 12/07/2020 20:39

It’s not just about intelligence though, it’s about interests. An IQ of between 80-120 is considered average within a population. (some IQ tests 85-115, so even that’s subjective)

Outside of those figures then perhaps it would be more difficult, but within it would seem reasonable to expect common interests to be an important factor in determining longevity.

There will be people with IQ’s of 120 that can’t stand school, aren’t academic (probably by choice) and prefer the arts. So they’d likely be bored to a tear discussing quantum physics with someone with an IQ if 100 that’s lives it!

firstmentat · 12/07/2020 20:40

@barbrahunter
Exactly the same situation with my first husband, and the same situation re Dad trying to have a conversation about something.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 12/07/2020 20:40

Yes, I tend to go for Stephen Hawkinses but I was with Pinkie (from Pinkie and the Brain) and had a lot of fun, I needed to explain things twice many times but he made me laugh for England, he may have not very clever, but was gentle, remarkably caring and such good fun I always came back home with my face hurting for laughing so much.

Downside is that with me being better at finances, planning etc, after a few years I felt I had turned into his mother and the attraction was gone (but jeez, he was such good fun! Grin)

yelyah22 · 12/07/2020 20:41

My OH and I are of fairly similar academic intelligence, in that we're both smart, well read, educated etc but where he would probably fare better on an IQ test (he's much more logical and better with data than I am), I'm much more emotionally intelligent and that in itself is useful. It'd be hard to find an exact match - what do you.measure on? IQ, knowledge, academic performance? There are lots of ways, all of which have drawbacks.

Having said that, I dated someone who was....not bright, for a while. It wasn't that he didn't know things that bothered me, more than that he just also wasn't curious or interested to learn more - he didn't care that he didn't understand or know stuff, and that frustrated me as I'm the opposite.

Namechangex10000 · 12/07/2020 20:44

My partner and I are on completely different wavelengths and intelligence levels to be honest. He cannot spell even basic words (fined instead of find, rawl instead of row for example.....) we don’t really share the same views on many things, his understanding of most things is lacking, different sense of humour completely (I don’t even bother sending him anything I find funny because he won’t get it) hardly have anything in common, I wish I could explain why I love him more than life but sometimes even I haven’t got a clue 🤣

weareyoung · 12/07/2020 20:47

I married the prick.

Catastrophic lack of critical thinking ability. He and his entire family digest and immediately regurgitate the Daily Mail...every day.

He's now ExH and I'm now with someone who has a really clever, sensible head on his shoulders and it's so refreshing.

okiedokieme · 12/07/2020 20:48

No, tried dating "anyone" but found men couldn't stand a woman who used a decent level of vocabulary or liked "clever" things if they were not as intelligent. Ok not all men just the ones I men through a dating app! Dp just like exh is similar to me, it's not about book learning though it's about a curiosity in the world and a craving for information.

Dinosforall · 12/07/2020 20:48

These threads always go the same way, with posters making the definition of 'intelligence' broader and broader as the thread goes on. Yes there are a huge number of valuable traits and talents people can have, but they aren't synonymous with raw intelligence.

Original poster
AnyOldMorricone · 12/07/2020 20:48

@Namechangex10000 that’s so sweet Smile

@weareyoung glad things worked out Smile

OP posts:
Dinosforall · 12/07/2020 20:50

@Dinosforall

These threads always go the same way, with posters making the definition of 'intelligence' broader and broader as the thread goes on. Yes there are a huge number of valuable traits and talents people can have, but they aren't synonymous with raw intelligence.
That should say some posters, I realise most pp have not done this
Howcanwehelp · 12/07/2020 20:51

My first boyfriend was as thick as mince, he didn't understand why I wanted to go to sixth for or do my homework. It didn't last long. Since then intelligence has been one of my must haves. My husband is differently intelligent to me, educated but would never pick up a book or listen to classical music. We have some great conversations and learn from each other, even after 18 years.

Original poster
AnyOldMorricone · 12/07/2020 20:52

@Dinosforall

Yes, think honestly we all know what intelligence is.

(I.e. distinct from academic attainment, educational level, emotional intelligence, interests in things, values, and knowing a lot about a particular topic)

OP posts: