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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have you dated someone of diff intelligence?

219 replies

AnyOldMorricone · 12/07/2020 20:10

Can I ask if you have been in a relationship with someone less (or more) intelligent than you? If so, how did it work out? What were the challenges? Could you make it work?

I’m not talking Forest Gump and Steven Hawking but just everyday & more subtle!

Interested to hear others’ experiences.

OP posts:
StarShapedWindow · 12/07/2020 20:53

@wifflewafflebiscuit many people with dyslexia have a very high IQ.

My DH is much cleverer than I am academically but I was brought up with much more culture and a better education so we kind of meet in the middle. Had my DH had the upbringing I had or been pushed academically he’d be much brighter than I could ever be - but not as artistic.

ferntwist · 12/07/2020 20:54

Why do you ask OP, what’s your situation?

Sosososotired · 12/07/2020 20:54

Similar intelligence is one of the most important things for me. I’ve been put off people because they have been either noticably higher, or less intelligent. Current husband is very similar to me even tho he drop out of school at A levels and I have a masters degree. Dated a couple of people who I would say weren’t as bright, but it was a big turn off as we just weren’t on the same wavelength.

aylamai · 12/07/2020 20:54

DH is a genius. I'm not thick, I have a good masters etc but everything clicks immediately for him. I suppose there are times where he gets frustrated but actually on the whole it works and his intelligence is a huge benefit to us.

Original poster
AnyOldMorricone · 12/07/2020 20:54

@Howcanwehelp

I love “thick as mince” Grin

Your relationship with your husband sounds great. : )

OP posts:
AgeLikeWine · 12/07/2020 20:55

Way back in the day when I was a student I went out with a bricklayer for a while. It was fun at the time, and he was a nice lad with lovely big muscles Grin, but it was never going to work in the long term. Our backgrounds (council estate & bog-standard comp) were similar, but it was clear that our lives were heading in completely different directions.

InsaneInTheViralMembrane · 12/07/2020 20:57

Yes- and I married him. I’m a genius and I bought into the social conditioning of “be kind” and “don’t judge” - and tbh there’s an awful lot of that message on mn.

He bored me to tears and I should’ve left years before I did, but I kept trying not to be a snob.

It’s been years since I’ve met a man intellectually stimulating.

Littlemeadow123 · 12/07/2020 20:59

But there are so many different types of intelligence. Have you ever heard the quote 'If you measure a goldfish's intelligence by it's ability to climb trees, it will spend it's life believing that it's stupid,".
Cheesy, but true.

PerfidiousAlbion · 12/07/2020 21:02

Ive never been in a relationship with someone more intelligent than me (as far as I could tell anyway!) but have been in relationships with people who were less intelligent.

On the positive side, they were sexy, fun, happy-go-lucky and pleasant to be around but I used to get so tired having to explain everything to them, it really did take the shine off things and made me feel like their mother.

My friends and family however are all more intelligent and better educated than me so I’ve tended to get my intellectual stimulation from them as Ive found intelligent men very hard to find (and I’ve actually given up now).

MarleyBarley18 · 12/07/2020 21:02

Yep my ex and father of my kids was a right dumbass.. didn’t work out AT ALL and not just because he was dim but he lied constantly and had the brain age of a 15 year old boy. Gambling was his other (well only) love. Aaaand my ex before him was ridiculously clever and we got on very well same Dry humour and matched me quite a lot. I feel I could have worked it out but I was 18 and didn’t want to give him any more chances (we both partied a lot and it got in the way) I actually dreamt of him the other night lol. Too much water under the bridge now for both of them! Tbf I am sworn off men in general. I’m sure there will be cobwebs by the time I meet someone decent 🤐

Sparklesocks · 12/07/2020 21:02

I think wavelength is the most important thing which is partly similar intelligence levels, but also similar senses of humour, communication styles. As cheesy as it sounds it’s about connecting, and you might feel you’re unable to fully connect or relate to someone who seems significantly more intelligent than you are.

Wanderer1 · 12/07/2020 21:02

My DP and I are definitely have different levels of intelligence, with my IQ and level of education being higher. I'm quicker thinking and have a wider vocabulary. He brings different things to the relationship, is probably more emotionally intelligent than I am, and generally more interested in stuff and more widely read and cultured. I like the balance, we both have so much to learn from one another, it never gets boring.

mogtheexcellent · 12/07/2020 21:04

DH is very dyslexic and has MIL and I suspect slight learning difficulties. Its fucking hard sometimes, and I really get fed up of having to spell words for him. And also having to explain things that are obvious to me. I do all the banking and gen admin and I am way more tech minded. I am educated to Phd level and work in academia. DH works as a tractor driver. We earn similar amounts.

On the other hand I like doing things my way so I get to organise the finances, gen admin and tech. DH is hard working, kind and funny and good at doing the garden (once I have labelled up everything so he knows what he is doing). He has never once interfered in my career and didnt blink when I said I was remaining part time (30hrs) until DD is in high school.

Its fine, we bob along nicely. I just wish he could cook, but then I hate washing up Grin.

Oblomov20 · 12/07/2020 21:05

Different types of intelligence. Most of the uni boffs I met couldn't make a spag Bol.
I've got qualifications but actually I'm not that bright.
Dh is exceptionally quick witted and bright but has nothing more than GCSE's and holds a top job.

OrchidJewel · 12/07/2020 21:06

I'm the less intelligent here Smile DH has more letters after his name than his actual name but I'm the one with cop on and far more intelligent when dealing with the kids and house. As someone else said we meet in the middle. I can't believe his thickness with the kids sometimes, awful dopey (rise a row) behaviour. It cancels out all his letters after his name Grin

Gunpowder · 12/07/2020 21:07

No one wildly different but I’ve dated a couple of men who were less intelligent (I got bored and frustrated) and a couple who we’re more intelligent than me (I felt out of depth and condescended to). I think that in general relationships are more successful if both partners are of vaguely equal intelligence. Also equal attractiveness!

ShinyFootball · 12/07/2020 21:07

I think you can tell if people are bright or not, totally irrespective of schooling, job, ability to spell and etc

Loads of really clever people not had many advantages in life etc for various reasons and loads of people in good jobs etc aren't that clever.

That's more of a political conversation I think!

I've knocked around with a couple of blokes when I was younger who were pretty but very very dim. No it wouldn't have lasted.

Not to say that it couldn't ever, as posters on this thread show! But for me it wouldn't.

Gunpowder · 12/07/2020 21:08

Aargh were not we’re on a thread about intelligence. THE SHAME Blush

EmmaA91 · 12/07/2020 21:09

My husband is alot more intelligent than me with regards to Maths and Science, I'm better at English and creative stuff - we both respect the differences in each other and I admire his intelligence in these areas. I would say generally he is more intelligent than me and love that about him ❤️

peonypower · 12/07/2020 21:11

Yes. My IQ is around 140.
If I were to date men only with IQ of 130+ AND sufficiently physically attractive AND who are not assholes, I'd be a long time single.

I wanted children and something had to give, and it was the intelligence. It's deeply irritating at times. My husband is not a moron (he has a degree in engineering from a red brick university so is clearly not stupid) but I despair at his processing speed and memory. I feel like I am always a few steps ahead. He has plenty of other talents (great social skills etc) that make up for it, to a degree. But I would be lying if I didn't say I didn't find it immensely frustrating.

But better that than someone I did not find attractive or who was horrible.

julybaby32 · 12/07/2020 21:11

My first boyfriend was a few months older than me, but an academic year behind. (clue is in the user name). I didn't think there was a significant disparity in intelligence, but he dumped me soon after he got his O-level results and they were significantly less good than mine had been a year earlier. I'd made no comparison whatsoever and had nothing but praise for his results, but he'd obviously remembered. I'm no oil painting, but had been just as ugly before his results came out.

AbsentmindedWoman · 12/07/2020 21:11

Yes, think honestly we all know what intelligence is

How are people defining intelligence?

TheoriginalLEM · 12/07/2020 21:11

I am way more academically intelligent than DP. I have a PhD in biochemistry and he is a carpenter.

His problem solving ability far outstrips mine. His hobby is motorbike mechanics and he has just stripped down the starter motor of his bike to replace the brushes (dont ask me!). He can make anything he is asked from.wood, using traditional methods and we have a saying in our house - if DP can't fix it, hes screwed.

He has however, never spelt my name correctly in the 27 years weve been together - it is not an unusual name!

So he has a very different intelligence to mine, i am a typical academic that can overthinks everything, often over complicating things wgeras he is the problem solver. It works well.

I couldn't be with him.if he was as thick as mince though.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 12/07/2020 21:12

Have dated a couple of men who were a bit dim. It wasn't great. I was embarrassed by a lot of the things that came out of their mouths, and yes, I know that sounds awful. Equally, I was once vaguely seeing a really intelligent guy who was an arrogant cock and made me want to punch him between the eyes. It's not necessarily about qualifications or education level for me, it's about an awareness of and interest in things and the wider world and a desire to learn.

Heismyopendoor · 12/07/2020 21:13

My DH is thick as fuck. He couldn’t tell you how to convert a decimal to a fraction and reads in such a monotone voice (it’s painful listening to him read to the kids lol) but is great with his hands (no pun intended) and has made an excellent career in the building/construction/maintenance trade. He built me a beautiful bookcase and raised garden beds, he also built two of our kids beds which are amazing.

I love him because he is kind, caring, funny, generous, Thoughtful, a hard worker, would do anything for me and the kids, supports me in my endeavours, raises our kids in a faith filled home, and I could go on and on.