Have you dated someone of diff intelligence?

[AnyOldMorricone]

Can I ask if you have been in a relationship with someone less (or more) intelligent than you? If so, how did it work out? What were the challenges? Could you make it work?

I’m not talking Forest Gump and Steven Hawking but just everyday & more subtle!

Interested to hear others’ experiences.

I've dated a mix of intelligent and less so men and I got on with all of them but it never worked out till my current dp.
One man was more intellectual than me (and I'm quite smart) but was such a dick when it came to other peoples views on anything. Yes we could hold a conversation but he belittled me constantly.
Another one was so unmotivated and thought education was for nerds. I had to seriously dumb down every conversation and just got to the point where I didn't talk to him about my interests as it was to much work.
Now dp is not well educated but can keep up with me and I don't need to change to much for that. He is so clever in non academic ways such as technology and he is a very talented musician. Most importantly though we are on the same wavelength and have the same fundamental values. I know I bore him sometimes but he knows I'm just excited about an interest and let's me continue as it makes me happy and I do the same for him

The 3rd bf I mentioned earlier knew it all. He was too good to get a job he considered to be beneath him cos he was just about to make it big in the music biz (at 30, playing the very occasional gig in a non descript town). He hated the fact I had been to uni and constantly put me down and told me I knew nothing except how to read books. Tbf, he was half right- I didn't know enough to avoid him.

But the worst: he used to make up words, if he thought I was trying to be clever or if he was trying to impress people. I could write a book about him.

Yes. Me and DH.

I’m book smart. Got my maths a level at age 13 and the rest of them at 15. Went to uni. Graduated top of my class. Post grad done in the US. Work in IT now as I hated finance.

Generally, I absorb things if I read about them. I’m freelance because I get bored easily and I can’t just do one thing at a time.

My big problem - I have no common sense and have all the practical ability of plankton. I can read something and tell you how to do it but do it myself, forget it unless it involves a computer.

DH - barely attended school. Had a mechanics apprenticeship and then went into the railway. 40 years later, he’s been in the same job as a train driver for all that time. Definitely not book smart

However, is extremely practical. He’s not stupid but I’ve never seen him read a book. Once he’s done something once he’ll never forget how to do it. He can drive a 600 mile route and remember every speed limit, bend and town on it.

If both of us were stranded on different islands - he’d have a much better chance at survival than me.

@ACautionaryTale

Sounds like you complement each other well.

Do you feel equally matched in conversation?

It’s interesting how many women on this thread have partners with lower education levels (which is different from intelligence - not saying they’re less intelligent).

I think thick and bright dont go well together, I've dated men who are thick, dont understand anything about politics, geography, cant do sums etc and I've just been bored by their conversation (they probably found me boring too).

It's not always about education, one guy I dated thought France was the biggest country in the world. Looking at a world map would have solved that mistake.

My background is university degree, analytical job etc.
My partners background is left school at 16 and works in manufacturing on the shop floor.

He was not very bright when i first met him but over the 10 years he has become fairly bright and is now very good at fixing computers and replacing hard drives etc.
I think he needed that encouragement that I and to some extent my dad (my dad is very good at telling you to reach for the sky) provide(d) that he can better himself. His attitude before it was i cant do that. I think its ingrained from his mum who has been in the same job for 30 odd years and they didnt have a lot of money growing up so university was out of bounds. Im trying to convince him to do some english and maths courses now for him to retrain into IT.

@AnyOldMorricone

It’s actually quite interesting as me and DH are polar opposites In addition to the above

Him
Scottish
Labour supporting union member
Lifelong job
Christian (but not practicing)
Loves kids (Had with ex wives)
Neat freak to the point of ocd

Me
English
Freelance self employed
Conservative voter
Atheist
Tolerate kids to a point
So long as environmental health doesn’t condemn my house I’m not overly bothered

We’ve been together 10 year and married for 7. The biggest issue we’ve had is him trying to get used to me not needing looking after. His ex wives were traditional stay at home, pin money jobs and dependent on him.

I earN twice what he does and am used to doing for myself.

But we get on brilliantly most of the time

I don't think I've ever been seriously involved with anyone who I felt was significantly outside my general intelligence ballpark. I wouldn't have been interested in someone a lot less intelligent than me and I don't think they'd have been interested in me either, as I'm quite academic and nerdy.

I'd say my partners have all been very different but there seems to be a theme: they are generally not big readers (several were dyslexic which might have discouraged them), and tend to work in caring professions and/or cooking. Often back and forth between the two. They are usually good with their hands and keen on DIY. All, I'd say, were very clever and usually highly emotionally intelligent, but not academically minded. There are so many different kids of intelligence it's hard to nail down precisely what constitutes it.

I have membership to MENSA my husband left school at 17. We're very different but we love each other deeply. My exH on the hand is an academic, head of school at the local university. Yes, we had interesting conversations but that's where it ends.

I like some of the stories where people have not gone for the exact same person and it’s worked out well. @Doodlebug5 I love that! You gave him confidence.

My friend married a man who is borderline genius, in research and one of the top in the world in his field. She has a degree but has worked in social care in poorly paid work - and some of his friends were less than nice about her! They are all Uber achievers - think surgeons, lawyers... and saw my friend as less than. Yet she is quite bright, and can definitely hold her own in conversation when you give her the chance. His Ex is a top Professor and she was quite miffed that he chose my friend and not her (she’d always carried a flame for him).

However she’s made him really happy, and he’s great for her too. And now his friends see how lovely she is, that having a ‘uber power couple’ partnership isn’t always a recipe for success, sometimes injecting a bit of contrast, kindness and fun into genius is a good thing!

Yes I’m my experience it never works out

My husband is a genius (off the charts type genius), while I, although certainly in the top few percentiles, most definitely am not. It’s fine, I try to be attentive to boring him and he doesn’t talk down to me but clarifies is he can’t tell that I’m not following. Occasionally we’ll talk past each other for lack of a common presupposition/trying to explain something that we both already understand but mostly it’s no different to any other conversation. So long as you treat people with respect it doesn’t matter how quickly their brain works.

I’m very academic (currently doing a PhD) but sometimes demonstrate a staggering lack of common sense DH has a very logical brain, he’s really savvy and up on world events. We have really interesting conversations and I learn a lot from him.

I haven’t dated anyone less intelligent but I actually stopped going to a hairdresser because she was thick as mince. She was a chatter and couldn’t take the hint no matter how quiet I was. I couldn’t talk to her because she didn’t understand jokes and I could tell she had no idea what I was talking about, even if she was just asking me about my work. It was painful.

Just remembering the start of what might have been a relationship back in the 1990s. I was working for a publisher and driving to Hay on Wye for the book festival in a hire van full of books and banners and kit. She'd asked to come along and seemed interested in me. We broke down near Hereford and had to hang around for three or four hours while the van was fixed.

I'd never been to Hereford Cathedral so we went there and I discovered the Mappa Mundi, which I thought was amazing and could have looked at for hours. I got talking to a couple of other people who were also transfixed and knew a lot more about medieval history than I did. This thing was 700 years old and told us so much about the medieval mind.

My companion was bored and fidgety within ten minutes so I sent her off to find a cafe and a magazine. After the Mappa Mundi I spent an interesting hour being shown some of the books in the ancient chained library at the cathedral.

When we got back in the van my 'friend' described it as the most boring afternoon ever. That was the end of any thought of friendship, let alone a relationship. There's always something interesting to do or think or talk about. You don't have to be clever or well-read, you just have to be curious and have a bit of imagination.

First serious relationship was with a blackmailing abuser who was thick but the most aggressive and stubborn person I have ever met. Horrendous memories that haunt me 30 years later. I kept it all from everyone; my parents knew it was a hopeless relationship but I wasn’t able to let them know of the horrific psychological abuse. Sorry, not really the point of this thread but their low iq, jealousy of me being at Uni when they had zero qualifications was a core part of the abuse (knowing I was a far better catch in terms of prospects than they’d otherwise hope for. So it proved as I discovered years later they’d basically become homeless and never worked a day).

Person who got me out of that relationship and i was then with for 4 years: lovely human being, heart of gold, solid working class job but we were poles apart academically. That plus the age gap (11 years) ended it. Glad they found happiness after.

Then a relationship with ana amazingly physically attractive Italian gym instructor. No intellectual comparability so that ended.

Then I married a medical doctor. Perfect fit everyone thought - including me. Sadly no. Apparently my intellectual interests were worthless trivia and a crashing bore. Then I was not to talk to mutual friends about mutual interest because that excluded Dr know all.

Finally I am now with someone who shares the same humour, interests and is equal enough (beats me at chess, loses at cards, enjoys the same books and the same sort of holidays). I cannot tell you the weight that has lifted and the difference it all means.

It's not necessarily about intelligence - that takes many forms. My priority is to have someone with whom I can have a proper, interesting conversation with when I grew older. My partner has interests in a wide variety of things, and is a critical thinker. I wouldn't settle for anything less. I'd be driven mad by anyone who spouted crap without checking the sources and assessing the evidence that supported it.

I had 2 bfs who were not the brightest of the bunch. One an artist the other a car mechanic.
I've learnt loads from both, we had fun times but in the end not having the options of a lively intellectual debate was so boring. I ended it.

I believed then and now that intelligence comes in different forms, but to me it seems that the culturedness (I know, it's not a word) and intellectual curiosity are very important.
As with these things it comes down to personal preference and subjective opinion....

I think there are more well paid jobs open to less educated men than women. Especially in some parts of the country. Most of my female friends locally have been to.uni.. most of the blokes either went straight to work after gcses or occasionally a levels.

@Tootsey11

I found you need to be on a level playing field on this. I'm a cleaner with an IQ of 143. Dp has an IQ of 54, can't read and just about write. I cannot have an in depth conversation with him about anything. Yet he can strip an engine to the ground and rebuild. Can fix nearly everything he comes across.

You need to be able to talk to someone for it to work without one having to explain the most basic of things.

An IQ of 54 would potentially fit in to the category for a diagnoses of a Moderate Intellectual Disability.

You could potentially get some help and support in place if 54 is a true and accurate figure (assuming it’s been completed by a Psychologist or the like and you haven’t both done an online IQ test to come to that conclusion)

diagnosis I mean

My DH is very bright and well educated. I am relatively clever but lack concentration and get bored easily.
DH is not intelligent when it comes to running a functional home, cooking the simplest of meals (he does, but gets very stressed) and his sense of time is way out. He’s also not ambitious in the slightest.
I am naturally good at timings, organisation and I am ambitious enough to now be in a job that fulfils me creatively.
I think as long as you match humour wise, you’re probably on each other’s wavelength.

Intelligence in a partner is important to me and always has been. It affects what you can talk about and the extent to which you share interests. So for instance I like arty films, going to art galleries, discussing politics and ideas - though I'm not deeply intellectual or anything. My XH was a professor and we were pretty evenly matched on both ideas/understanding and on practicality (though in different areas). Since we broke up I haven't really dated anyone who was on his level and its has been a missing element. I have now been single for some time. I have also never had a relationship with a man - including XH - who earned as much as me - I think the earning disparity certainly affected my marriage and the equality of my other relationships. One of my boyfriends in particular was pretty thick and didn't get subtleties and could be quite boorish. (He speaks well of me.....)

My nephew is super bright and a very fun Oxbridge graduate now working overseas as a management consultant. He had quite a long relationship with a lovely Sri Lankan air stewardess who he said was the kindest and sweetest woman he ever met. He really loved her. But in the end he said the fact that they couldn't really have any intellectual conversations or even talk about his work was a barrier to them going further - he didn't want a traditional male, master of the house relationship.

So i don't think you have to be matchey matchey on everything but the ability to have equality in terms of communication, interests and understanding seems pretty important to me.

Briefly dated my uni lecturer - the day after I graduated and he kept checking the day in order to ask me out as he was very ethical even though he hadn't been my lecturer for years.

Unsurprisingly he was very academic, spent weekends in his study, writing, reading.

At this stage, I had a good job and he was constantly broke, so the balance was me paying for everything.

It got a bit weird when he invited me to his house and turned out he was living with his parents, a fact that he forgot to mention. I spent most of the day talking to his mum, who was fab and she casually mentioned that she was actually wondering about his sexuality and I was the first girl he had introduced

Heard he now has tenure.

There are many different types of intelligence. I went to uni and did the traditional academic thing. One ex I had was very street smart, but never read a book. I got a bit bored by that as I love reading.

My current partner also doesn't read much (dyslexia), but is extremely imaginative, creative and musical, and we never run out of things to talk about. He's not street smart at all and never finished school, but is so intelligent in an artistic, topsy-turvy kind of way, he blows my mind with the kind of things he comes out with!