Have you dated someone of diff intelligence?

[AnyOldMorricone]

Can I ask if you have been in a relationship with someone less (or more) intelligent than you? If so, how did it work out? What were the challenges? Could you make it work?

I’m not talking Forest Gump and Steven Hawking but just everyday & more subtle!

Interested to hear others’ experiences.

My dh is more intelligent than me & knows the answers to most general knowledge questions I ask him. But, ask him to do something practical-it’s a joke. We get along quite well, considering!

I'm educated to post grad level and come from a family of very academic, language oriented, pedantic people. I dated a range of partners of differing levels of intelligence and education, but eventually married a lovely guy who is completely not academic or educated at all.

We've been married nearly 20 years and have 3 lovely children, and are mainly very happy. He has a lot of other skills which I really value (stop those smutty thoughts.....) - he's practical, funny, a great Dad, can mend my car or the roof or put up a shelf etc - and he's laid back and never gives me a hard time about anything. He's great company and I love him to bits. He's not very educated but he is streetsmart, not stupid.

Downsides - yes, I do sometimes wish we could do 'intellectual' games together - he'd rather play cards than trivial pursuit, and can't be bothered with crosswords. He doesn't get my 'witty' jokes or enjoy watching some of the TV programmes I like. I sometimes go with friends to do pub quizzes - he wouldn't be interested. And I have to do all the schoolwork with the children, especially now we're homeschooling.

So it's not for everyone. But I imagine 99% of relationships involve compromise, and I'm sure DH wishes I was better at lots of things which interest him (sports etc). It depends what's a deal breaker. Honestly - I would love it if we were a bit more on the same level academically, if only so he would get my jokes, but I have family and friends for that so we get by just fine. (And he always puts the top back on the toothpaste tube.....)

@TatianaBis, what I mean is, conversations aren't purely about the subject, are they?

When I first met my partner, we went to a dinner, and the people sitting with us talked to me about their jobs. One of them was talking about how she might fit her career around possible children; the other was trying to figure out whether she might move abroad. All of this was discussed in relation to their specific work, but it was also a general topic.

I chatted back; my partner barely said a word.

There are reasons for this. She grew up with no experience of jobs that weren't shift work or possibly 9-5; there was no sense of a career; no one would talk about moving abroad. As it happened, she was more senior in her line of work than the two women we'd been chatting to, and they were both hoping to break into her area. But if you'd heard our conversation, you'd never think she was either intelligent or knowledgeable, because she barely opened her mouth.

That's what I mean by making the right noises. I looked basically competent; I could hold a conversation and if I didn't know anything about their specific jobs, I could pick up a cue ('oh, so you want this lab trial to finish before you move abroad') and show I'd understood it.

My DP would have looked either very shy, or totally unable to understand the conversation. She was the most qualified of all of us there.

[quote AnyOldMorricone]@Namechangex10000 that’s so sweet

@weareyoung glad things worked out [/quote]
Haha I wasn’t expecting that, I thought I’d be jumped on for talking badly of him or something!

I won’t lie, it absolutely infuriates me at times, I like to think I have a relatively good level of intelligence although I won’t be winning any awards soon and I take no notice of current affairs for example, but sometimes I sit there and I literally can’t hold a conversation with him because he just doesn’t get it, and he’s one of those that no matter what you say, he just repeats the same thing over and over and I regularly ask my neighbors for a shovel or for advice on how deep id need to give a grave, but I love all the stupid things about him and the little things he does even though they can be frustrating.

The humour is the hardest, I find that tough sometimes, before I met dp I’d been seeing a guy from tinder for 6 months and he wasn’t my type in many ways, but my god did we have a laugh, he could have me howling and I him and we could banter all day. I don’t have what I describe as a silly, immature humour, dp does, but every now and then he gets me and I have a right old belly laugh and I love it and wish we could do it more!

I read a lot (I think he’s only read one book in his entire life!!) he likes to talk to the baby when I’m doing this “oh look st mummy pretending she can read” and such like 🤦🏻‍♀️

Now sitting here fondly remembering us playing “beat the parents” with the kids, clearly, I was on my own (he barely knew the answers to the kids questions!!) my excitement when it was a question about something to do with building work and I knew he’d be the only person to know! He might not be able to hold what some deem as an “intelligent” conversation, but he can build a house with his eyes closed - it all manifests in different forms, I look thick as mince when he tries to explain his work to me

My ex. No clue about his IQ but he was incredibly ignorant and had no motivation to learn. It became tedious quickly.

Then on the other hand I dated someone who was very articulate and confident. He made me feel stupid at times.

Interesting question. I wouldn't be able to. That kind of relationship would never have made it past the starting blocks. I have a good friend from childhood who isn't matched with me re. "academic" intelligence, and isn't matched with her husband. She's a great person with lots of creativity, practical skills and emotional intelligence, but I've noticed that when it comes to abstracts there's a point in her thinking where she runs out of arguments and curiosity and just switches to an inarticulate emotional fuzziness and leaves it at that. Her husband is a high flyer and treats her a bit like a child. They do fine overall and she is quite secure in what she brings to the relationship, but I suspect she feels the condescension sometimes. I've grown to dislike him for it.

Yes I did once. Like PP it was 'fun'... but I never should have. I think it was also partly boredom.

The end wasn't great - he thought I was boring (because it all went over his head) and his thickness became really grating. If we were in company that was more scintillating, it was really obvious and increasingly I felt embarrassed to be with him.

My DH is really clever but not always practical, and also not confident, which sometimes causes fracas, but we do laugh at the same things.

My exh was a dumb as a stump, but I guess that makes me dumber cos I married him. He thought he was a brilliant mind and poor little forrin me had to be helped and guided in everything.

Yes, I have. My ex was kind, funny, laidback and liked by pretty much everyone who ever met him. I was an anxious mess who thought he was the best thing to happen to me! We had so much fun in the beginning.

However, I eventually realised he had absolutely no interest in the world around him; he loved the pub, his job, football and gaming and that was it. We never seemed to talk about anything except what was going on in our personal lives, he didn't vote or travel and arguments were incredibly frustrating because he couldn't come up with responses on the spot. My grades were always average and I'm not the most ambitious person but I love having in-depth chats with people about all sorts and he just didn't 'get' the things I tried to talk about. I was also always the one who handled the 'grown-up' stuff like banking and utilities because he didn't understand what to do and he never, ever took any initiative to try and learn. I think he was just really comfortable with the way his life was and probably always will be but I felt really lonely and there were times where I wanted to be looked after in ways he just didn't understand. I think intelligence doesn't matter as long as you want and enjoy similar things in life, but there has to be a baseline for your needs in a relationship.

My DH has a high IQ but I suspect has ADD and/or is in the autism spectrum. He went to grammar school and excelled at maths. He was disruptive at school and left with no qualifications even though he was predicted to go to uni. He has never read a book in the 16 yrs we have been together. He drives a lorry and that suits him.
My IQ is bog standard and I have a masters. My maths is shit. I am a lecturer in education.
We fit...
my last husband was a dr and a narc. I would rather have my lorry driver

@icedaisy so sweet

I need to be with someone who has at least the same level of intellectual ability as me. Intelligence is very important to me in a partner. DH suits me very well, he's very clever, with a practical side and lots of emotional intelligence too. I do love a clever man who's practical too. I couldn't be doing with someone who's academic but can't deal with the practical things in life.

I realised I needed an intelligent man when I was with my first boyfriend and found out he couldn't read a bus timetable. That relationship didn't last long.

he will nurse a lamb all night

That just gave me fanny flutters.

Yes. I admit I prefer to be the most intelligent one in the relationship.
My ex husband wasn't very intelligent and as another poster said, it was embarrassing when he didn't know what was being spoken about in a conversation. It irritated me that he mixed up his metaphors so they didn't make sense and he would use the wrong words for things and refuse to accept he was wrong. I remember cringing so many times when out with him.
My next two BFs could also be described as thick.

My DP is definitely more intelligent than me but refuses to believe so. He has a physics and maths degree and I haven't got a clue what he's taking about when these subjects crop up. I think we're of a similar intelligence which means we get on far better and I'm never embarrassed by anything he says - he has Aspergers so he sometimes makes mistakes around people. He's very articulate and excellent at anything he turns his hand to. I just wish I had some of his talents and abilities.

Yes, I left school with nothing and married somebody with a phd. It didn't last.

Yes I’ve had two major relationships. One with someone a lot less bright than me. One with someone similar but very intelligent so a bit brighter. (I’ve a high IQ).

Not sure it was THE issue but it was an issue. In both cases I think it emasculated the men and they didn’t like it. Also I’m pretty head screwed on and so don’t just follow others lead, and that has led to problems. Basically I was more competent about social, children and household and they both would have been far happier if they were the ‘wise’ ones.

Same problem with my father. I don’t think he likes the fact that I’m more intelligent. It’s not like I ram it down anyone’s throats, but I do have informed opinions and he likes to spout his ‘wisdom’ a lot, and I’m one of the few confident enough to say that I’m not sure I always agree.

On the whole it was easier with more intelligent man, he could always beat me with the crossword and had a much higher up job than me, which seemed to make him less emasculated. He still cheated on me and his next GF was a pretty stupid to be honest - sorry to be so blunt - same with his previous relationship to me. So he can’t have valued intelligence, only in himself!

Not me but my DSis once had a bf she said was v dim. He never wanted to talk about anything and just wanted to watch telly all the time. She would try and have conversations with him and he had no opinions and wasnt interested so she eventually gave up and dumped him. He had no interest in the world she said.

I dont think I'm that clever but I'm interested in loads of things and I like to learn. DP is the same.

It’s not about IQ as such, it’s about whether or not people use their minds. A closed or empty mind is a turn-off for me.

Yes, in both directions. It's impossible to say which was better because there are so many variables - your partner isn't only defined by his/her intelligence. I will say that my lower-intelligence boyfriends were by far the worst mansplainers - the higher-intelligence partners only explained if asked. I've never found a man who is my equal - perhaps that would be the ideal.

An ex bf of mine was onto his third post-doctorate when I met him - I learnt a lot whilst in that relationship (about everything & anything), but it was exhausting.

Following on from that, my next ex bf was, really, extremely stupid. He was closed minded and ignorant which I also found exhausting.

My dh and I are very well matched intellectually. I find spending time with him gives me energy, rather than saps it from me.

Is that you, Megan Markle?

What's interesting about this thread is that distinctions are being made about intelligence and opportunity. I accept some people are more intelligent (I had more opportunity than DH but he went to Oxford iyswim). OTH we can have conversations about books, politics, religion, art, etc. He also talks sport.

My step father is very knowledgeable about all sorts of things and a rough diamond. He left school at 15 and became a carpenter. He is very very good with people though and built a specialist business and a very successful one. Before mother his sister dealt with his paperwork. He has made rather a lot of money. It has never been acknowledged but I suspect he is acutely dyslexic. He does read but I have never seen him write and he has difficulty remembering, for example a poem.

It's a complex subject overlaid with personality, opportunity, expectation and potentially neuro developmental disability.

There's also the massive issue of well educated -v- well qualified. I have a lot of people with a string of Masters who I don't consider to be well educated and they certainly haven't been able to hold their own socially or put another at their ease.

Am more academic and philosophical than DP but he's a lot better and normal life stuff than me. I'm a bit away with the fairies. ExDP was a bit he thought a lot cleverer than me but he was a giant douchebag and patronising.